LittleTiger Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 I do not know what I need to apologize over. I do admire him, he's a wonderful and loving man, caring and funny, sweet and sensitive, like i said, and I do accept him and his flaws, his stubbornness and his pride, his independence and penchant for disappearing and sulking for long periods of time, and I know why he is the way he is, but at the same time I don't agree with him, and sometimes he annoys me. If everyone who doesn't agree with their S/O is wasting their time, then everyone I know is wasting their time. Please tell me how I am wasting my time with him in this one situation where he is irritated me. Yes I do not agree with how he spends his money, although it is his to spend freely, I've heard enough of him telling me how he pays for this and that and generally takes care of freeloaders, at the same time complains all the time about how he is an ATM for people.. He chooses to spend his money, and then complains to me day and night about it. At the same time, he forgets he made a responsibility to me. Why shouldn't I be annoyed with this? I just don't like him being taken advantage of by people because of his generous nature, i said to him, he can do whatever he wants with his money, and I know it gets to him but he just has to be the responsible "parent" to the bunch of irresponsible children he associates with. How am I so wrong in feeling like this? He always talks about taking care of me, about our future, and honestly I wasn't going to say anything, and then he called me a "broke ass" and that everyone was after his money, and I got very annoyed and said I did not want any of his money and went off on a tangent. You are not 'wrong' hopefullove. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel. What I'm saying is that you two are wrong for each other. The more you write here, the more you convince me of that. He is irresponsible. With his money, with his promises, with everyone probably. That annoys you and irritates you so much that you posted a thread here asking for advice. He will always be this way. Do you really think that whatever wonderful qualities he does have will override this one that annoys you so much? For the rest of your life? I'm sure if you take a deep breath and step back a little from your emotions, you will be able to see it too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefullove Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 That's not what I'm saying at all and I'm sorry if it came across that way. Yes, there are some dumb 'people' and there are some 'dense' people. I wouldn't say that applies to men in general though. Nor would I use those derogatory terms to talk about a man that I love, whether he can hear me or not. I think it's disrespectful. If you disagree that's fine. It's only my opinion. I haven't taken his side either. What I'm saying is that you're not a good match - surely you can see that? I mentioned in an earlier post that he may like to see himself as being incredibly generous, even though he doesn't follow through. By reminding him that he didn't pay your airfare as promised you have probably triggered feelings of inadequacy in him that has hurt him deeply. That's why you haven't heard from him. Okay now I am starting to understand what you are saying. Like i see the way he is sometimes, and it irritates me, the way he sometimes likes to be "bigshot" with his friends. It happened even years ago while we were together 7 years ago, and he was telling his friends maybe we were going up to some awesome winter chalet, and his friends were oohing and ahhing about it and asking him about it, and he basically said, yeah we have a tripped planned, and i thought.... no we dont???? Also another time while we were broken up, and he keeping in touch and he told me he was off in Europe, and the next day my girlfriend texted me and said she saw him on the street.. it's stuff like that that irritates me, and I just forget about it, but I really cant unknow what I know. Other than that, he is really sweet, besides his little fibs of glamour. Well, i thought that if I were him, I would feel embarrassed for forgetting something like that, according to my friends, is a pretty big deal.. And from my friends here, who, when they found out I was in a long distance relationship back with my ex and thought it was a bad idea... When I told them I was visiting him right after I had just been back in town, I told them, well he was paying for it, so it's okay. And when they had to ask "so did he pay for your flight" and I had to respond with "uhhhh, not yet"... I mean surely they remembered, so I don't know why he couldn't have. You are right about his feelings of inadequacy. He does have a lot of those feelings, and I myself am not very sensitive to it, because my feelings go from angry, and not angry very quickly, where as he just harbours and harbours. I didn't want things to blow up like this. I was just super annoyed with him constant bitching about giving his money away, and then making fun of me and saying I was after his money, where I wouldn't have even asked anything from him, except really, if he wanted to blow his money, pay for my dang flights instead of Kanye tickets. I dont even want his money, I just want him to have better friends. lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefullove Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 You are not 'wrong' hopefullove. You are entitled to feel whatever you feel. What I'm saying is that you two are wrong for each other. The more you write here, the more you convince me of that. He is irresponsible. With his money, with his promises, with everyone probably. That annoys you and irritates you so much that you posted a thread here asking for advice. He will always be this way. Do you really think that whatever wonderful qualities he does have will override this one that annoys you so much? For the rest of your life? I'm sure if you take a deep breath and step back a little from your emotions, you will be able to see it too. My bestfriend and my father both said he's not the one for me. That he will never make me happy. I'm waiting for him to change their mind, but as the 2 people in life who know me the best... sometimes I think about it too. Because he does make me happy, but, having loved someone else now, and now coming back to him, things are different. As my first love, I've loved him for so long. There are qualities about him that I feel I will never find in any other person. He really does love me very much. And we are really great together, in person. He is irresponsible to me, however he has to be extremely responsible at work, you know, to get from being broke 3 years ago to now earning good money and being a director at the company. He works really hard and manages people and from that, he must be extremely responsible to be tasked with so much responsibility... which is why I do not understand why he lacks the same with me. SIGH. that is all! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefullove Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 By reminding him that he didn't pay your airfare as promised you have probably triggered feelings of inadequacy in him that has hurt him deeply. That's why you haven't heard from him. Gah! I didn't want to hurt him like that. I just wanted him to shut up about the gravy train everyone wants to take a ride on. 1. Stop giving away your gravy. 2. I dont want your dang gravy 3. If you're gonna give away any gravy it should be to my ticket! That was my whole point. I think I already said, I am not the most sensitive person. I honestly thought he would just be like, WHOOPS sorry babe... instead he responded like a business robot. "I would like to take care of this ASAP. Thank you" Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all create the perfect partner for ourselves? Find a close match and then mould them to our exact specifications? Sadly life isn't like that. You 'just' want him to have better friends, yet he is the one who is telling fibs on a daily basis. Have you ever asked any of his friends how reliable he is, or whether they actually receive these gifts that he is apparently dishing out to the detriment of his own bank account? I'm just curious here, and please forgive me if I'm barking up the wrong tree, but have you actually been in to his place of work? Do you know his work colleagues? Have you met any of them either at a social event or at his office? Are you 100% sure that he is a director in the company he works for? You have witnessed him 'telling stories' about his travelling plans - not just to you but to your friends, while you were standing watching. You know he has a problem with 'stretching the truth' and he apparently believes his own stories. My guess is that there is some level of personality disorder here and, while that doesn't mean he should be completely ruled out as relationship material, especially if he's such a great guy in other ways, it does take a particular type of person to cope with someone like him long term. From what you've said about yourself, you're not that type of person. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Gah! I didn't want to hurt him like that. I just wanted him to shut up about the gravy train everyone wants to take a ride on. 1. Stop giving away your gravy. 2. I dont want your dang gravy 3. If you're gonna give away any gravy it should be to my ticket! That was my whole point. I think I already said, I am not the most sensitive person. I honestly thought he would just be like, WHOOPS sorry babe... instead he responded like a business robot. "I would like to take care of this ASAP. Thank you" He's not going to shut up about this 'gravy train' because that's how he gets his sense of self worth. He needs to believe he is Mr Generous and he needs to talk about it to make it real - even if that reality only exists in his own head. Has he paid you for the airfare yet? I suspect not - even though he probably wants to pay you. I suspect he can't because he doesn't have the money. That will be another reason he hasn't been in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefullove Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) When I met him, I really liked the friends he had, they were all successful bunch of guys, regular types of people, guys with stable careers. He has since lost touch with them, as he is really horrible with keeping in touch with people.. This i know.. he would always say stuff like "oh I should really give so and so a call" and just never do it... but he would think of it. That's why when he doesn't give me a call for a while, it does bother me, but i realize he is just crap at keeping in touch. However, when he is in a good mood, he will consistently contact me. So i know his patterns. The friends he has now, I know when we broke up, he went into a depression and made friends with a bunch of artists, skateboarders, musicians, alternative type of people. And does this make me sound stuck up? I have no problems with that, if they are also responsible. I'm sure they are good people, they are just different from my own friends. Oh, and his coworkers, or his employees? because he is suppose to be their boss? He's friends with his crew, I guess since he works all the time, so that makes sense his good friends are his old roommates, and his crew, since that's who he spends the most time with now. Anyway, I don't know if his fibs are on a daily basis, but I just know I've caught some of his old ones, of stretching the truth. I haven't been to his work, we only recently got back together. I stayed at his place, it's a nice place in a nice neighbourhood by the waterfront, 2 bedroom, and he just moved into it, I saw a welcome note from the owners welcoming him in, so that's his now. He has a company phone, iphone 5, he has a bunch of toys he said his work bought for him, ps4, ps4, wii u... he paid for pretty much everything while I was in town, and also when I was back the time before. I don't think he would lie about this, because he came clean about the time I was suppose to meet up with him and he cancelled, and he said because he was broke and ashamed and couldn't see me. Now, he talks about how well he is doing quite a bit, so I am sure he is just very proud of what he has done for himself. He is such a sweet man. He really truly is. He does have a fantastic imagination, and I am not sure if this is from the way he grew up, having nothing..I don't know. He is very passive aggressive though. But so am I sometimes... I am learning to communicate... but he is for sure passive aggressive... when we broke up, we were suppose to meet up for brunch and he just didn't show up, because I said he was unreliable and he said he wanted to show me what unreliable is. He used to really harbour animosity for a long time, so whether he does or doesnt, I will know based on how he handles this. But he has loved me the whole time he says. I really don't want to hurt him, but you're right, I do have a very wild temper and I say and do things without thinking too much of them... my friends and family are used to it, but at the same time, I am much more patient and have lower expectations of them than I do of my S/O. He really is great. I know I need to control my temper or at least express myself in a more calm way. Throughout our relationship, it's always me making the first move to apologize, always. It gets tiring. i know he is a proud and stubborn man. lol. And i didn't want to have bruised his fragile man ego. I really liked the relationship I had with my ex-boyfriend, because sometimes I will go off at him when he irritated me and later apologize and he will say "it's okay, I love you buttercup", or when i got really mad and threw tantrums, my ex boyfriend with laugh and giggle and clap his hands and I would get so mad, but then I would find him so ridiculous and it really diffused the situation and we would just laugh. Of course that was my commitment phobic ex with his own set of mental issues. This one just sulks away for ages. The ex would mess up a lot and apologize a lot, this one seldom messes up but will never apologize. Edited March 3, 2014 by hopefullove Link to post Share on other sites
LittleTiger Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 If you really want to stay with this guy then I wish you the best of luck - assuming he comes round from this episode of course! I would check out anything and everything he tells you though, especially if it's something that makes him look good to the outside world (and you!). Visit his workplace, talk to his friends and colleagues, make sure you know the facts of his life so you will know when he's embellishing. It's probable that he needs therapy. It's definite that he needs a partner who is calm, self sufficient and in control of her own life and emotions. His behaviour patterns suggest that he's protecting his own ego, which means he's emotionally very fragile. It's possible he has some kind of addiction too - such as alcohol, coffee or exercise - and don't be surprised, assuming his current 'success' is real, if he swings from being apparently 'wealthy' to 'down and out' on a regular basis. Just remember that you can only change you and your own reactions. You will never change him - that's a choice he has to make for himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopefullove Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 Right! I can't check up on any of these things because we don't live in the same city anymore! lol. Okay, when it comes down to it, he is an honorable man and I believe him, he does embellish a little, that I have witnessed and sometimes I do question the veracity of his statements, which was what made me glance at the welcome letter from his new landlords. And it told me that was the truth (I sound like Maury). Other than that, he is really and truly wonderful. But we do have very different personalties. I have a temper. It is known with my friends, family and colleagues and I get away with it because it just becomes endearing to them, and also because when it comes to NOT my boyfriend, I am pretty good with my emotions, but once it comes to a S/O i just lose my cool sometimes more than I would a normal friend. I do have my life together, I have a good job, and I own and rent out my condo, I also live in nice place, I have no debt, just mortgage, just last year was super tough because i had 5 trips, 2 destination weddings I was a part of, 1 funeral, and 2 home visits, plus I was newly single and put a lot of money into "feeling good", personal trainer, new wardrobe, lots of shoes. Everything I spent was my responsibility. And I only start stressing out when my on hand cash is low because I rent, and have a mortgage, and emergency cash is important. I wasn't able to save much money last year, and when it was time to get another ticket to visit, it tapped my cash dry, so I wasn't in a financial crisis, just tight. He doesn't have addiction and he has paid off all his debt on his own. I called him out on his fib, when he said he was in Europe and he said, just let the past be the past. Honestly, I think he is a really stand up guy - to be an orphan and to move to a new country by himself and support himself without any help from anyone, he has interests and is intelligent, he put himself through school, okay I am guilty of forgetting how amazing he is from time to time... I am short sighted sometimes and get angry and focus on that, but I am super remorseful afterwards. Yes we do have different personalities... and if we want things to work out between us we definitely have to work at it, but relationships, at this age, is a choice between two people. And your opinions are only based on the few words I write. I now agree and see how I have been out of line with my reaction, as I tend to me as I am an emotional person, but also think I have a valid point that might have been heard if it wasn't so loud. Link to post Share on other sites
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