Slept with him on the third date,and now he's dissapeared?

[boogirl1]

Hey. I am a little puzzled at what happened. I feel really sad, wish i knew what i did wrong. Ok. well i have recently got divorced half a year ago or so. so i had not been in the dating scene for over 8 years or so. I joined an online dating site. met a guy on there. for a month and a half we would talk on the phone ever night, for hours at a time. i have kids, and he had a young kid too. we seemed to have nice conversations and get along good. tho, he was about 8 years older than me. Our first date he took me out to eat. our 2nd date, we went to the movies, held hands for the first time. after the movie, when he dropped me off, he kissed me good night. felt very sweet and romantic, and he didn't try to take anything farther. he was always such a gentleman. then we had our 3rd date like a week ago. we went to his house, rented a movie and watched it. he held me on the couch the whole time, and we cuddled and kissed a lot, and we did end up having sex. seemed like he was really into me. and he hadn't had a girlfriend in almost 2 years he said, and told me that he had not slept with a girl for over a year and a half or so. he seemed like he was genuinly looking for a serious relationship and ot the player type. every thing seemed to be going well. and now its been a week since we had our last date, when i slept with him, and he hasn't talked to me on the phone all week. i've tried calling several times, and he hasn't answered. a few days ago, he did text me in the morning, saying that he was sorry he missed my call, and that he would call me later that night. but he never did end up calling me. i feel so used now and hurt. my heart just hurts. i really liked him, and i don't understand what i did. felt like we had a good connection and he really liked me, and now he just blows me off. did i ruin everything by having sex with him too soon? did the sex, make him leave, or did he just use me? or maybe just found some one he liked better? or some people say maybe he was just really busy this past week.? but he couldn't be so busy that he couldn't even send me a quick text or something right? could there be a reasonable explanation behind all this, or did he just use me and blow me off? what should i do now? just leave him alone right, and not talk to him?

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Definitely leave it be. If he wanted to continue the relationship, you would've heard from him by now.

 

I'm gonna be blunt. How was the sex??

 

I'm not sure this is a case where he used you. It may just be that he was interested in you emotionally, but it didn't translate over when you got to the physical aspect. Were you sexually compatible? He may not want to deal with telling you what went wrong in the bedroom and has decided that ignoring the situation altogether is the solution.

[stillafool]

I agree. He may not have liked the sex. Did you want to have sex with him or were you just doing it because you felt that was what he wanted?

[boogirl1]

I didn't feel pressured into it. i wanted to. we both got caught up in the moment, and it just felt right. and i thought the sex was really good. He seemed to really enjoy it. He acted like he was very into it.

[writergal]

Ugh. He's just not that into you. If he went from talking to you every day to complete silence except for that one lame text, he's avoiding you now.

 

Who knows if the 3rd date sex had anything to do with his about-face. Highly unlikely you'll get a truthful answer from him at this point.

 

If he really cared about you after all that daily communication for 6 weeks, he wouldn't have gone radio silent after he had sex with you. He would have called you the next day to say how great you were and asked you out again. But he chose to run away instead. His pity text (and that's how it comes across) is lame-o. He's a tool for not coming clean with you about why he disappeared and not worth your concern anymore. He hurt you and he didn't have to. He could have just called you and explained whatever it is that caused him to change his mind out of respect for your feelings. But unfortunately, not all men are capable of such maturity.

 

Dating is a numbers game. Look at it this way, you had a nice 6 weeks and some good sex but it didn't work out with this guy. Maybe it will work out with the next guy you meet.

[stillafool]

I didn't feel pressured into it. i wanted to. we both got caught up in the moment, and it just felt right. and i thought the sex was really good. He seemed to really enjoy it. He acted like he was very into it.

 

Then you weren't used. Maybe your friends are right and he's just been too busy and will contact you later. Stop worrying about him and go out and enjoy yourself.

[Raena]

Then you weren't used. Maybe your friends are right and he's just been too busy and will contact you later. Stop worrying about him and go out and enjoy yourself.

 

It's a bit strange for a man to sleep with a woman and then not bother to contact her for a week isn't it? I'd be concerned too.

[stillafool]

It's a bit strange for a man to sleep with a woman and then not bother to contact her for a week isn't it? I'd be concerned too.

 

Yes but when you read around this board and all the FWB relationships it's becoming the norm.

[writergal]

It's not the norm for a man who calls a woman every day for 6 weeks though. For all accounts and purposes, he created the illusion for the OP of being in a new relationship with her. If it were truly a FWB situation, he wouldn't have invested 6 weeks talking to the OP on the phone for hours every day. I think he just bailed after they had sex because he couldn't handle the possibility of becoming serious with the OP.

[guest572]

That is terrible I think any of the reasons you have suggested are possible.. That really sux and I would feel used too.

 

I disagree with stillafool. Regardless of whether you wanted to have sex or not he has used you and created some sort of illusion of a relationship. In my experience, people believe in the 3 dates=sex. i had a similar experience but felt pressured and didn't go any further so he dumped me by text a couple of weeks later. he seemed genuine and after a relationship.

 

Don't blame yourself, but yes, just ignore him for now and see what happens I suppose.

[stillafool]

I think women should start opening their mouths and telling men what they want and expect before they have sex with them. To assume a person feels a certain way is risky when your heart is involved. Women want the sex as much as the men they just want it to be followed up with a relationship. When the man fades after sex the woman some how feels used even though she enjoyed the sex as much if not more than the man. How is that being used for sex?

 

To me, being used for sex goes like this:

 

Man: I want to sleep with you.

 

Woman: I don't want to have sex unless I'm in a relationship.

 

Man: I want to be in a relationship with you and only you.

 

Woman: Okay, I trust you.

 

They have sex and she doesn't hear from him again. (She was used.)

 

Gone are the days when we could assume that after 3 dates we were in a relationship. The other person may not know or care about a 3 date rule. What is wrong with communicating and telling him what you want and expect before you have sex? That way unless you both agree about the state of the relationship you can decide if you want to have sex or not with this man. I know this works because I had this conversation with my husband when we were dating and before we had sex. I didn't assume anything I heard it from his mouth. I don't trust illusions because they are nothing but a false sense of reality.

 

Also what is wrong with OP calling the man and asking him what happened? Why guess or come to this forum to ask when a simple phone call and discussion with him will give her the answer.

[jennifermariecole]

Ugh. He's just not that into you. If he went from talking to you every day to complete silence except for that one lame text, he's avoiding you now.

 

Who knows if the 3rd date sex had anything to do with his about-face. Highly unlikely you'll get a truthful answer from him at this point.

 

If he really cared about you after all that daily communication for 6 weeks, he wouldn't have gone radio silent after he had sex with you. He would have called you the next day to say how great you were and asked you out again. But he chose to run away instead. His pity text (and that's how it comes across) is lame-o. He's a tool for not coming clean with you about why he disappeared and not worth your concern anymore. He hurt you and he didn't have to. He could have just called you and explained whatever it is that caused him to change his mind out of respect for your feelings. But unfortunately, not all men are capable of such maturity.

 

Dating is a numbers game. Look at it this way, you had a nice 6 weeks and some good sex but it didn't work out with this guy. Maybe it will work out with the next guy you meet.

 

I agree with writergal - this really sucks!! He is a coward - and you're absolutely fine for worrying about it, you have every right to! He hasn't treated you fairly at all, but yes in the future, definitely talk about what you want before you take the next step (sex). At least you'll be able to gauge his intentions then.

 

It could also be that he got scared once you'd had sex, that things from there would progress into a relationship that he wasn't ready for. I had that happen to me too. The guy called after sex and all but he acted really weird -and then started talking about taking me on coffee dates, like the ones you go on before you ever go on a real first date. Proper backtracking because he was freaking out.

[writergal]

The problem with your theory Stillafool is that men (since the dawn of time) will tell women what they THINK they (the women) want to hear.

 

Men lie. It's what they do where sex with a woman is concerned. Women are the same way of course. If you want something and you don't care about the other person's feelings, you'll go to any lengths to get it.

 

Sure the OP can make her needs known to the next man she dates, but that's no guarantee that he'll be genuine and respect her. Dating is a crap shoot. You can talk until your blue in the face with what your needs and expectations are but that doesn't mean the person that you're dating will actually comply. Don't get me wrong, it's good to set up boundaries and expectations but sometimes that's futile if the other person you're sharing this information with has the wrong intentions and doesn't really care what your expectations, needs or boundaries are. That's why there are abusive relationships and divorces.

 

In the OP's case, she thought she was in a secure relationship with this man, especially after they slept together because he LIED to her. She couldn't have seen that coming, as most don't.

 

Even if the OP were to call up her man and ask him for a reason why he lost interest, his answer isn't going to satisfy her. Why? Because he lied and he hurt her feelings. And he has no incentive to tell her the truth anyway, as he got what he wanted (sex) so what's it to him to owe her an answer anyway. He's not invested in her feelings b/c he's not interested anymore.

 

The OP can torture herself with "why did his do this to me?" or just accept that some men are as*holes and will do this sort of thing to women. I think the OP was likely a rebound relationship for him.

 

Sometimes, divorced people can have several rebound flings before they settle on the next long term relationship. It's very possible that the OP was just a relationship fling which is unfortunate for her.

 

I can't foresee any justifiable excuse why he left the OP in the dark after they had sex, especially if the sex was mutual. He lost interest in her and was a weasel the way he stopped communication suddenly afterward and then threw her a bone with his lame text "sorry I didn't call" which is total b.s. b/c he could have called her the next day.

 

OP, don't torture yourself wondering anymore about that man. He's not worth your time. Sure, you could call, email or text him asking him for an explanation but I doubt he'll give you a truthful one, or one that will make-up for the confusion and pain he's caused you. He's a jerk. Not all men are. You just need to keep dating until you find a man who won't flee at the first sign of real commitment with you like this bozo did.

 

There's a little book I like to reference time to time called "He's Just Not That Into You." Has a lot of insight and offers realistic relationship and dating scenarios from a man and woman's POV.

Edited March 2, 2014 by writergal

[boogirl1]

thank you. it just hurts. I so badly want to text him again or try to call him to get an explanation or something.i'm just so baffled. but i don't think i probably should. if he doesn't care enough to make contact with me, then i should just let it go i guess. if he is truly ignoring me and blowing me off, he won't want to hear from me any way, he will just get annoyed that i'm bothering him. i have this urge to text, but i'm going to try to stop myself from doing it. if he cared he would call or text me first now right?

[writergal]

OP, if you text, call or email him now it's a lost cause. You're in this situation because you dated a real jerk. A man who cares about you isn't going to go dark and disappear on you the day after you have sex.

 

And you're correct: if he cared enough about you he'd still be talking to you every day. Look at it this way: if he truly wanted to be with you then having sex with you wouldn't have changed anything. The communication with him wouldn't cease like it has now.

 

If it makes you feel better to have the last word, then contact him to tell him how hurt and betrayed you feel for the way he bailed so quickly after the sex. Give him a piece of your mind because he deserves it. Will that bring him back? No it won't, but it will make you feel better. At least he'll know how much he hurt you. Then go no contact and forget about him. Do NOT expect a reply from him. Send the text/email for your own benefit, not for his, with no expectations.

 

You deserve to be with a man who doesn't bail at the first sign of commitment. So consider yourself lucky. You don't want to be with a man who you have to force to call you, etc. That should happen naturally and be mutual. It wasn't mutual for him. Lesson learned. Heal from this experience and go out there and keep dating until the right guy comes along.

Edited March 2, 2014 by writergal

[boogirl1]

thank you. i will just move on. and forget him. i appreciate the advice.

[jennifermariecole]

^^ what she said. Please, please don't text him or call him. Please bow out of this with dignity. One day you'll be glad you did.

 

Hugs - I hope you feel better. And remember that all guys are NOT like this, and you couldn't have known, so don't beat yourself up about it.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Look, I am not and have never been promiscuous, but I am one of those females that can separate emotions and relationship definitions from sex. I spent a good deal of my youth around guys and even now one of my closest friends is a male who has shared many of his sexual exploits and relationships with me.

 

Here's my personal take on the whole thing. In many, if not most cases, a man can display and may have a great deal of interest in you for however long a period is needed. But the defining part will be once the relationship is consummated. Until then, in most cases, all bets are off. If the physical aspect of the relationship does not pan out as what he was expecting or hoping for, then all the previous expressions of interest will become null and void. And you won't know it until after the deed is done. Sex is a huge part of the relationship for most males, so even if the emotional connection isn't there, a lot will still push forward to seal the deal or test the waters, so to speak.

 

It is absolutely pointless to try and put a timeline on when, how, and under what agreement or circumstances you are going to have sex with a man. Whether its on the first date or the 10th date, it WILL NOT guarantee a commitment or a relationship. If you're going to have sex, then you do it because you WANT to, and for no other reason. You don't build up any expectations behind it and don't assume it means more than it does.

 

One should ABSOLUTELY discuss what you want in a relationship and try to get on the same page with whoever you're interested in. But under no circumstances should you believe that because he's expressed the same feelings, that sex is the beginning to something more. Having sex with someone is part of establishing that connection, and in many cases a man is going to tell you what you want to hear until he gets to the physical part and can see for himself if you are the one both emotionally and physically.

 

Despite all this, the decent thing to do would have been to just tell you the truth. He's obviously not a decent man, so you are better off.

[newmoon]

Hey. I am a little puzzled at what happened.

 

 

 

you slept with him on the 3rd date is what happened. lol. you're easy and not relationship material so he isn't bothering with you. 3 dates is not enough to know someone's character and perhaps if you'd waited a bit longer you would have seen his 'jerk' side

[writergal]

We've all been there OP, where the person we dated let us down by just disappearing without any explanation. It's lame but people do it to each other. I think the types who do this disappearing act are narcissists because they only care about their own feelings, not the other person's.

 

If he'd wanted to be in a relationship with you, you'd have heard from him by now. I know it's hard to move on, but it's for the best. Don't let him consume your thoughts because he's clearly not thinking about how his behavior effected you.

 

Hopefully the next guy you meet won't be such a major douche bag.

Edited March 2, 2014 by writergal

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

you slept with him on the 3rd date is what happened. lol. you're easy and not relationship material so he isn't bothering with you. 3 dates is not enough to know someone's character and perhaps if you'd waited a bit longer you would have seen his 'jerk' side

 

That's a ridiculous comment to make. She's easy because she slept with him on the 3rd date?? I slept with my bf on the 2nd date. I initiated it! We are still together and the man wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The connection is either there or it isn't and whether she slept with him now or 3 months from now would not change his feelings about her.

[newmoon]

That's a ridiculous comment to make. She's easy because she slept with him on the 3rd date?? I slept with my bf on the 2nd date. I initiated it! We are still together and the man wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The connection is either there or it isn't and whether she slept with him now or 3 months from now would not change his feelings about her.

 

 

no, you're easy. and I'm sure many women would share that opinion. you might still be with the guy, and good for you, but it's not as common as with your situation that a girl who sleeps with the guy that soon has a lasting relationship. you take lots of unnecessary risks sleeping with someone that soon, and there is no way you can judge whether he is 'relationship material' that fast. and in her case... he ran right off, which a majority will do. most men do not marry the woman that sleeps with them that fast, go visit the marriage boards. men respect women who wait a bit longer; you don't respect yourself if you sleep with someone that fast. you just don't. sorry, but that's my opinion.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

no, you're easy. and I'm sure many women would share that opinion. you might still be with the guy, and good for you, but it's not as common as with your situation that a girl who sleeps with the guy that soon has a lasting relationship. you take lots of unnecessary risks sleeping with someone that soon, and there is no way you can judge whether he is 'relationship material' that fast. and in her case... he ran right off, which a majority will do. most men do not marry the woman that sleeps with them that fast, go visit the marriage boards. men respect women who wait a bit longer; you don't respect yourself if you sleep with someone that fast. you just don't. sorry, but that's my opinion.

 

Your opinion is worth squat. I've been in several long term relationships and a 10 year marriage. I also have common sense and the number of dates you've been on DOES NOT guarantee a relationship nor equate to the length of time a relationship will last. If you think the # of dates you go on before having sex with someone is going to be the deciding factor then you are clueless on how real human interaction works. PERIOD.

 

Oh, and the women that share your opinion are the same ones crying they were used because they went on TEN dates and he disappeared after the deed was done.

[rana-rana]

Hey. I am a little puzzled at what happened. I feel really sad, wish i knew what i did wrong. Ok. well i have recently got divorced half a year ago or so. so i had not been in the dating scene for over 8 years or so. I joined an online dating site. met a guy on there. for a month and a half we would talk on the phone ever night, for hours at a time. i have kids, and he had a young kid too. we seemed to have nice conversations and get along good. tho, he was about 8 years older than me. Our first date he took me out to eat. our 2nd date, we went to the movies, held hands for the first time. after the movie, when he dropped me off, he kissed me good night. felt very sweet and romantic, and he didn't try to take anything farther. he was always such a gentleman. then we had our 3rd date like a week ago. we went to his house, rented a movie and watched it. he held me on the couch the whole time, and we cuddled and kissed a lot, and we did end up having sex. seemed like he was really into me. and he hadn't had a girlfriend in almost 2 years he said, and told me that he had not slept with a girl for over a year and a half or so. he seemed like he was genuinly looking for a serious relationship and ot the player type. every thing seemed to be going well. and now its been a week since we had our last date, when i slept with him, and he hasn't talked to me on the phone all week. i've tried calling several times, and he hasn't answered. a few days ago, he did text me in the morning, saying that he was sorry he missed my call, and that he would call me later that night. but he never did end up calling me. i feel so used now and hurt. my heart just hurts. i really liked him, and i don't understand what i did. felt like we had a good connection and he really liked me, and now he just blows me off. did i ruin everything by having sex with him too soon? did the sex, make him leave, or did he just use me? or maybe just found some one he liked better? or some people say maybe he was just really busy this past week.? but he couldn't be so busy that he couldn't even send me a quick text or something right? could there be a reasonable explanation behind all this, or did he just use me and blow me off? what should i do now? just leave him alone right, and not talk to him?

 

 

sorry mamita but u got PLAYED! not sure how old u are but if u over 30 or so u should know better than what u did. men are hunters and they like a little chase so give it to them.

 

with this guy u just handed your goodies over without a fight lol.

 

but for real, its a tough break I know but try not to do it again if u don't wanna feel that hurt again.

[stillafool]

I too don't think having sex by the 3rd date is wrong if that is what you both want. If you look at every man as a liar who will say anything to get you into bed what is the use in dating? If women consider all men to be liars then the conversaton I described in my earlier post is useless if you feel you can't trust one word that comes out of a mans mouth. Are women going to obstain from sex because no one is willing to commit? I highly doubt it.