Telling the BS

[Hope Shimmers]

Hi everyone. It looks like I am a new member (and in many ways I am) but actually I am in the amnesty program (I hope it is okay for me to post that). The last time I posted, over a year ago, I was in no place emotionally to post, but a lot has changed since then. I used to post as Tenacity for those who have been here a few years and may remember the name.

 

Yesterday I read a thread (which for the life of me I can't find now) in which a member noted that the vast majority (like 99%) of BSs on this forum would want to be told, by the OW or whoever, that their spouse was having an A. Based on what I've read here I would agree with that.

 

My case was a bit different in that his W did NOT want to know. In fact, the first thing she said after being told was "Why couldn't you have just not told me!"

 

Incidentally, my MM was the one who told her. He wanted to tell her he was "in love" with me. She reacted in a devastated manner (I don't really know what he expected) which ultimately led him to stay in the marriage because he didn't want to hurt her.

 

(I'm not delusional enough to think that means he didn't want to stay. He just chose between hurting me and hurting her, and of course I was the one who "lost" that contest).

 

Anyway, his W was an extremely dependent person. She could do nothing on her own and relied on him for absolutely everything, including just leaving the house. Her world must have come unglued when she heard this from her H.

 

My question is, do you think that there is a 'bias' here on this forum in terms of there being more independent, strong BSs who want to be able to decide on their life in terms of their M, as compared to women who would rather just not know? If they know, they will be forced to either deal with it or accept it, and some women don't want to do that and would rather just ignore it. For example, his W would never come to a forum like this and post.

 

The reason I think it might matter is that, if we make the decision to always encourage OW to tell the BS based on the fact that 99% of LS members in that position would want to know, maybe there is a subset of women out there who we are hurting more than helping.

 

I know the BS in my case doesn't know all the details about the A. I know he didn't tell her. I would never tell her because I know she doesn't want to know (she literally told me this) and that it would hurt her more than help. She is able to go forward now and he is focusing on her, and I am glad at least that she didn't know some of the details that I think would have destroyed her. It was a mistake and what happened was in no way a reflection on her or his love for her - it was a reflection on him, his mistakes, and my mistakes.

 

Anyway, just another perspective to think about I guess.

[William]

As a program note, members can view this discussion thread for more information on the referenced amnesty program:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/463426-amnesty-program

 

It's important to note the following passage:

 

"It's imperative that members wishing a 'second shot' at membership be assisted in their goal to become productive members so we can all help them by being productive members ourselves and discussing interpersonal relationship issues within the forum's guidelines. "

 

In line with that mandate, moderation will not tolerate trolling or baiting such members, a common practice in the Infidelity forums, and, due to the nature of the program, we're reviewing every one of their postings prior to publication so we're reading every thread they post in.

 

Thanks for reading and please continue!

[peaksandvalleys]

Hi everyone. It looks like I am a new member (and in many ways I am) but actually I am in the amnesty program (I hope it is okay for me to post that). The last time I posted, over a year ago, I was in no place emotionally to post, but a lot has changed since then. I used to post as Tenacity for those who have been here a few years and may remember the name.

 

Yesterday I read a thread (which for the life of me I can't find now) in which a member noted that the vast majority (like 99%) of BSs on this forum would want to be told, by the OW or whoever, that their spouse was having an A. Based on what I've read here I would agree with that.

 

My case was a bit different in that his W did NOT want to know. In fact, the first thing she said after being told was "Why couldn't you have just not told me!"

 

Incidentally, my MM was the one who told her. He wanted to tell her he was "in love" with me. She reacted in a devastated manner (I don't really know what he expected) which ultimately led him to stay in the marriage because he didn't want to hurt her.

 

(I'm not delusional enough to think that means he didn't want to stay. He just chose between hurting me and hurting her, and of course I was the one who "lost" that contest).

 

Anyway, his W was an extremely dependent person. She could do nothing on her own and relied on him for absolutely everything, including just leaving the house. Her world must have come unglued when she heard this from her H.

 

My question is, do you think that there is a 'bias' here on this forum in terms of there being more independent, strong BSs who want to be able to decide on their life in terms of their M, as compared to women who would rather just not know? If they know, they will be forced to either deal with it or accept it, and some women don't want to do that and would rather just ignore it. For example, his W would never come to a forum like this and post.

 

The reason I think it might matter is that, if we make the decision to always encourage OW to tell the BS based on the fact that 99% of LS members in that position would want to know, maybe there is a subset of women out there who we are hurting more than helping.

 

I know the BS in my case doesn't know all the details about the A. I know he didn't tell her. I would never tell her because I know she doesn't want to know (she literally told me this) and that it would hurt her more than help. She is able to go forward now and he is focusing on her, and I am glad at least that she didn't know some of the details that I think would have destroyed her. It was a mistake and what happened was in no way a reflection on her or his love for her - it was a reflection on him, his mistakes, and my mistakes.

 

Anyway, just another perspective to think about I guess.

 

 

You said it yourself. 99% would want to know. 1% would not. She falls in the 1%. The "mistakes" that the people in my situation brought to my life, depression, confusion, anger, revenge and destruction. I deserved to know what they were doing behind my back that impacted so many years.

[Hope Shimmers]

You said it yourself. 99% would want to know. 1% would not. She falls in the 1%. The "mistakes" that the people in my situation brought to my life, depression, confusion, anger, revenge and destruction. I deserved to know what they were doing behind my back that impacted so many years.

 

I totally agree with you. And I did not mean to make light of it by using the word 'mistakes'. I would take it all back if I could.

 

I just wonder if in actuality, more than a very small minority (1%) outside of this forum might feel the same way the BS in my situation did. Had I not known the BS as I did, and gone ahead and told her, I know she would have been even more destroyed and their marriage would have ended.

[uneek74]

I wouldn't go as much to say the women here are stronger, I think there are a lot of BS's here that have been hurt to the core, and ride or die for each other. For the number that want to know, there are as many that don't want to know, for their own reasons. Here on LS you get only a small sampling of women/men, who have been told that their spouse has been cheating by the AP. Sometimes these reveals can have devastating effects both mentally and physically. We don't know the true dynamics of a family's home life, and what really is happening behind closed doors. I agree with you though. It's not our choice to tell the spouse, just because we feel they have the right to know. Many times, they already know what they are dealing with.

[peaksandvalleys]

I wouldn't go as much to say the women here are stronger, I think there are a lot of BS's here that have been hurt to the core, and ride or die for each other. For the number that want to know, there are as many that don't want to know, for their own reasons. Here on LS you get only a small sampling of women/men, who have been told that their spouse has been cheating by the AP. Sometimes these reveals can have devastating effects both mentally and physically. We don't know the true dynamics of a family's home life, and what really is happening behind closed doors. I agree with you though. It's not our choice to tell the spouse, just because we feel they have the right to know. Many times, they already know what they are dealing with.

 

 

In some cases yes. I wouldn't say many cases. Some of us had no reason to think we were married to that kind of person.

[Hope Shimmers]

I wouldn't go as much to say the women here are stronger, I think there are a lot of BS's here that have been hurt to the core, and ride or die for each other. For the number that want to know, there are as many that don't want to know, for their own reasons. Here on LS you get only a small sampling of women/men, who have been told that their spouse has been cheating by the AP. Sometimes these reveals can have devastating effects both mentally and physically. We don't know the true dynamics of a family's home life, and what really is happening behind closed doors. I agree with you though. It's not our choice to tell the spouse, just because we feel they have the right to know. Many times, they already know what they are dealing with.

 

Thanks for your reply. That's the point I was trying to make.

 

I had trouble with the word 'stronger' too - probably not the best choice.

 

I also agree that many times they already know or suspect. My MM told me once that (long before I ever met him) his W used to make him go through the 'sniff test' every day when he came home from work. Meaning that he had to stand just inside the front door after coming in and give her a chance to smell all parts of his clothing for perfume or other 'woman' smells, apparently. At the time when he told me, he said it was just her extreme fear that he would find someone else rather than his actually having been involved in an A (he claimed he was not - I believed him at the time but now it would not surprise me).

[uneek74]

Peak, I agree.There are always exceptions. I do believe some can mask behaviors better than others.

[harrybrown]

I always want all the details.

[mercy]

We either want to live in truth or we don't. Period. There is no in between.

 

Pity to the one left behind.

[Hope Shimmers]

We either want to live in truth or we don't. Period. There is no in between.

 

So if we don't know which of those options the BS feels, is it really okay for the OW to assume that she is in the former category? That is my honest question.

[waterwoman]

Deal in facts. You don't know for a fact that she wouldn't want know. You don't know for a fact that she already 'knows' something. That is usually mere speculation. Share with her the facts that you do know - that you are in a relationship with her partner. That is the gift you can give her, welcome or not.

[NotOW35]

There is a difference between knowing your spouse cheated and knowing ALL the details of the affair.

 

You note that the BS in your case would be crushed if she knew "all the details." Well, that is to be expected. I would doubt any BS wants to know the lurid details of their spouse's intimate moments with someone else.

 

But, at least she now knows that her H is capable of straying, and she can choose to look for/ignore signs in the future should he decide to stray again.

[NotOW35]

I wouldn't go as much to say the women here are stronger, I think there are a lot of BS's here that have been hurt to the core, and ride or die for each other. For the number that want to know, there are as many that don't want to know, for their own reasons. Here on LS you get only a small sampling of women/men, who have been told that their spouse has been cheating by the AP. Sometimes these reveals can have devastating effects both mentally and physically. We don't know the true dynamics of a family's home life, and what really is happening behind closed doors. I agree with you though. It's not our choice to tell the spouse, just because we feel they have the right to know. Many times, they already know what they are dealing with.

 

 

But don't you think that your perspective is different? Weren't you an OW with an H of your own. I'm sure that impacts your thinking. If the BW in your scenario found out, it would be like a house of cards. Your long term affair would end. And your own marriage could end. That is different from an OW telling a BS and the BS then has the decision making capacity to stay or go. Right?

[cocorico]

Hi everyone. It looks like I am a new member (and in many ways I am) but actually I am in the amnesty program (I hope it is okay for me to post that). The last time I posted, over a year ago, I was in no place emotionally to post, but a lot has changed since then. I used to post as Tenacity for those who have been here a few years and may remember the name.

 

Yesterday I read a thread (which for the life of me I can't find now) in which a member noted that the vast majority (like 99%) of BSs on this forum would want to be told, by the OW or whoever, that their spouse was having an A. Based on what I've read here I would agree with that.

 

My case was a bit different in that his W did NOT want to know. In fact, the first thing she said after being told was "Why couldn't you have just not told me!"

 

Incidentally, my MM was the one who told her. He wanted to tell her he was "in love" with me. She reacted in a devastated manner (I don't really know what he expected) which ultimately led him to stay in the marriage because he didn't want to hurt her.

 

(I'm not delusional enough to think that means he didn't want to stay. He just chose between hurting me and hurting her, and of course I was the one who "lost" that contest).

 

Anyway, his W was an extremely dependent person. She could do nothing on her own and relied on him for absolutely everything, including just leaving the house. Her world must have come unglued when she heard this from her H.

 

My question is, do you think that there is a 'bias' here on this forum in terms of there being more independent, strong BSs who want to be able to decide on their life in terms of their M, as compared to women who would rather just not know? If they know, they will be forced to either deal with it or accept it, and some women don't want to do that and would rather just ignore it. For example, his W would never come to a forum like this and post.

 

The reason I think it might matter is that, if we make the decision to always encourage OW to tell the BS based on the fact that 99% of LS members in that position would want to know, maybe there is a subset of women out there who we are hurting more than helping.

 

I know the BS in my case doesn't know all the details about the A. I know he didn't tell her. I would never tell her because I know she doesn't want to know (she literally told me this) and that it would hurt her more than help. She is able to go forward now and he is focusing on her, and I am glad at least that she didn't know some of the details that I think would have destroyed her. It was a mistake and what happened was in no way a reflection on her or his love for her - it was a reflection on him, his mistakes, and my mistakes.

 

Anyway, just another perspective to think about I guess.

 

I definitely think that the BS on LS represent a particular subset of BS, by no means representative of all BS. BS here are here because they are wanting to understand and make sense of what happened. Other BS may prefer to rug sweep, or do the head in sand thing, or deny, and they would not come to a site like this in that case. I have no idea of relative proportions, though.

 

I do know my H's xW was of the denial kind. When he disclosed about the A to her, she chose not to believe him. Even after he left, she still chose not to believe. It was only much much later that she was forced to accept the truth.

 

It is impossible for an OW to know how the BW in her A would respond, or whether she would prefer to know or not, but it is probably safe to assume that almost all BS would not want the a to have happened at all, whether or not they get told about it.

[BetrayedH]

Even if the number is less than 99%, I think the odds are well in favor of the BS wanting to know.

 

And in the cases where the BS may want to remain in denial, telling them is still probably a gift, well-received or not.

[janedoe67]

I like what someone said about knowing vs knowing all the details.

 

An OW telling the wife in a compassionate and remorseful manner seems like a good and honorable thing.

 

An OW telling gory details and mailing a bunch of records, etc. seems like rubbing the BS's face in it.

 

I DO think that many BS go through a phase of "I wish I just didn't know," but most of them work through that and would rather have a real picture of their life than a lie. That was the way it was for my H.

[Anne Boleyn]

I agree that the BS's here represent that subset of BS who wants to know, but I don't think that they are representative of the whole. I think a lot of BS's don't want to know. And I think even the same BS can change their mind if they do or don't want to know... It's really complicated.

 

When he had his D day, my husband's BS started off wanting to know every, single, tiny, detail. About everything. About things that were odd, none of her business. We didn't share them, beyond the basics and some of the more reasonable questions, and not knowing absolutely everything drove her nuts. Even after they agreed to separate, she wanted to know *everything.* Then she did a 180 after she wanted to R a few months later. Wanted to know absolutely nothing, to the degree that she told him she didn't care what he did during the day or with whom, only that she wanted him at home in their bed at night. She knew when he went out, we were meeting up, but she was really happy pretending it wasn't going on and anytime she was confronted with it, she acted like it was the first she knew of it, and she'd lose it.

 

My husband... He didn't want to know anything. He didn't ask, I didn't share. Knowing it happened was all he needed to know. He never got the details on anything, other than a rough timeline on when it started. But that was it.

 

I think the BS's here really push the "tell the BS" angle, but I don't think that all people want to know, and I think a lot of times when people go that route, they're not doing it in the spirit of honesty and disclosure, they're doing it to hurt either their BS or their AP who ended the affair. These "should I or shouldn't I" crisis of conscience never seem to happen during the affair, only after it is winding up, or after one party or the other has been injured by each other or the BS.

 

I don't know, I think there are definitely times where the nobler, more honorable thing to do is to just keep it to yourself. Where sharing has more to do with selfish self-interest than an attempt to set things right.

[eye of the storm]

When I was a BS, I would have loved for someone to tell me that my H was having an A with my best friend. Maybe I wouldn't have felt so stupid when I did find out, and had to relive all the times I begged her to help me save my marriage. I had to find out years later that the woman I trusted and spent time with was also sleeping with my H. Almost everyone knew and nobody told me. It was their joke behind my back. Maybe I could have gotten out of my marriage with a shred of my dignity intact. Oh well, water.

 

As the OW, I have asked my MM a couple of times how his BW could not know or suspect. He said she doesn't want to know, that's how.

[thinkingofhim]

I like what someone said about knowing vs knowing all the details.

 

An OW telling the wife in a compassionate and remorseful manner seems like a good and honorable thing.

 

An OW telling gory details and mailing a bunch of records, etc. seems like rubbing the BS's face in it.

 

I DO think that many BS go through a phase of "I wish I just didn't know," but most of them work through that and would rather have a real picture of their life than a lie. That was the way it was for my H.

 

I agree with jane if you (general you) are thinking of telling BS. You can say you were involved with her H, give her a general timeline (We met in X place, developed an R that continued for X amount of time, and met up on X dates) as proof, and if she wants more information than that I think that is up to her to ask you or her H for. I disagree with OW that want to tell the BS every single intimate detail w/out prompting. Just seems very callous to me.

[peaksandvalleys]

I totally agree with you. And I did not mean to make light of it by using the word 'mistakes'. I would take it all back if I could.

 

I just wonder if in actuality, more than a very small minority (1%) outside of this forum might feel the same way the BS in my situation did. Had I not known the BS as I did, and gone ahead and told her, I know she would have been even more destroyed and their marriage would have ended.

 

 

Her marriage ended the when he began a second relationship. The difference is she chooses not to have the conformation of that. The thought that a person isn't destroyed because they don't know all the details is something I find self serving. Just my opinion not fact.

[peaksandvalleys]

There is a difference between knowing your spouse cheated and knowing ALL the details of the affair.

 

You note that the BS in your case would be crushed if she knew "all the details." Well, that is to be expected. I would doubt any BS wants to know the lurid details of their spouse's intimate moments with someone else.

 

But, at least she now knows that her H is capable of straying, and she can choose to look for/ignore signs in the future should he decide to stray again.

 

 

Exception here again I guess. I paid to have all the lurid details. I must be really abnormal.

[goodyblue]

I don't think you are abnormal. I think if I were in your position I would have wanted to know...

 

I just think that everyone is different. When I was a child I had a very good friend who's father cheated openly on her mother. He drove around the neighborhood with his mistress in his truck squished right up next to him, etc. and everyone saw. When people would remark to his wife, she would say nothing. Later my friend told me that she never talked about it, never called him on it, and it was just life. When my friend tried to talk about it with her mother when she was older, her mother flatly stated that she 'didn't want to know'.

 

I just think everyone is different and has different needs.

[peaksandvalleys]

I don't think you are abnormal. I think if I were in your position I would have wanted to know...

 

I just think that everyone is different. When I was a child I had a very good friend who's father cheated openly on her mother. He drove around the neighborhood with his mistress in his truck squished right up next to him, etc. and everyone saw. When people would remark to his wife, she would say nothing. Later my friend told me that she never talked about it, never called him on it, and it was just life. When my friend tried to talk about it with her mother when she was older, her mother flatly stated that she 'didn't want to know'.

 

I just think everyone is different and has different needs.

 

 

I don't personally think human beings are all that different. We want to be safe, we want to respected and we want to make our own choices about the direction our lives take. Those things might come different ways but I don't think I have ever met a human being who didn't want to know the facts when making life changing decisions. I don't think I have ever met a human being who prefers to lied to about such life changing choices that their partner is making.

[goodyblue]

I don't personally think human beings are all that different. We want to be safe, we want to respected and we want to make our own choices about the direction our lives take. Those things might come different ways but I don't think I have ever met a human being who didn't want to know the facts when making life changing decisions. I don't think I have ever met a human being who prefers to lied to about such life changing choices that their partner is making.

 

Hm. I just gave you an instance where a woman I know personally didn't want to know anything about her husband's affair. But, I suppose you are right, she did know, and chose to ignore it.