CrystalCastles Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Here is a previous thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/462509-when-good-time-open-up-personally Which somewhat provides context to my story. The guy in the story hit on me more and more as time went on, and when we moved our conversations to facebook during our one week break, we got very flirty. He sent me messages which were very flirty and some of them a bit sexual (nothing gross or vulgar). Anyways, over the course of 3 weeks we have exchanged maybe upwards of 800 messages. Some of them from several hour long conversations. A good number of those initiated by him. He asked my friend about me, he stares at me, talks to me and pays attention only to me. He has gotten much more confident around me. Today I found out that he's actually taken. I saw his gf rubbing his shoulders at the party I went to, and he had apparently been hanging out with her all day (he lied to me over fb by saying he was spending time with his dad). I was very interested in him until now, of course. I spoke with his gf and gotten to know her and I really like her. Had I known he was taken I would never have flirted with him and allowed interest to develop. I am so hurt because I was lied to and misled. The only thing I can think of is that maybe he's fishing around because his gf is soon going to leave and move to an area very far away. I don't date those kinds of men anyway so the point is moot. She might be his FWB but I don't know that either. The only thing I know is that he's been very good at hiding it from me. I had zero idea until today. I don't know what to do. We have many mutual friends and we're taking a class together. I can't look him in the eye anymore. I opened up to him and told him personal things, and really allowed him to get to know me which is something I am otherwise careful about with people. Please help. I need to hear something supportive because this really sucks. Edited March 2, 2014 by CrystalCastles Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 This isn't your fault. You got hooked by an adept manipulator and liar. I wouldn't respond to him if he texts/messages/calls again. If he persists, tell him directly that you don't date men who are spoken for. On a side note, you said she's his girlfriend, then later said she might just be a FWB. How do you know they're actually dating? Did she say that, or...? Just wondering what your conversation consisted of and how he responded to seeing you and you talking to her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrystalCastles Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 This isn't your fault. You got hooked by an adept manipulator and liar. I wouldn't respond to him if he texts/messages/calls again. If he persists, tell him directly that you don't date men who are spoken for. On a side note, you said she's his girlfriend, then later said she might just be a FWB. How do you know they're actually dating? Did she say that, or...? Just wondering what your conversation consisted of and how he responded to seeing you and you talking to her. Well he has never mentioned her. Ever. He also told me he was going to hang out with his dad today, so I'm assuming if that were true, he met this girl for only a few hours before coming to the party. At the party that I went to today, she smacked his butt and rubbed his shoulders and a few guys made some comments of a sexual nature regarding the two of them, and I figured out that they were together today because she told me he left his car at her place (the two of them came in her car). He certainly kept looking at me the whole time and would bat her off whenever she made physical advances. I don't really know. It came as a shocker because from what I gotten to know, it doesn't seem to be in his nature, but obviously he does a good job wearing a mask so I could have been talking to someone who wasn't who I thought he was. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sorry to hear that happened Crystal. I get the impression from your posts that he's no Don Juan and might have gotten caught up in having 2 girls interested in him at the same time. So maybe you can find it within yourself to empathize and forgive even though he wasn't super straight forward with you. Doesn't mean you should forget and date him though. If it makes you feel any better those signs at the party clearly show you were the one more preferred. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sorry to hear that happened Crystal. I get the impression from your posts that he's no Don Juan and might have gotten caught up in having 2 girls interested in him at the same time. So maybe you can find it within yourself to empathize and forgive even though he wasn't super straight forward with you. Doesn't mean you should forget and date him though. If it makes you feel any better those signs at the party clearly show you were the one more preferred. The fk? She was clearly more preferred? He showed up with and spent the entire party with another woman. Hello. He's just a jerk who threw in some breadcrumbs when OP was watching so he could hopefully keep her on the line. Crystal, sorry you got caught up with this jackass, I would send him an email or FB message and just say you're no longer interested in any type of contact from him and to please respect that. Then go about your business (class) as though he is not even there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 The fk? She was clearly more preferred? He showed up with and spent the entire party with another woman. Hello. He's just a jerk who threw in some breadcrumbs when OP was watching so he could hopefully keep her on the line. Well if he's dating her he kind of has to no? Honestly, if he didn't care at all or she was just some girl he was trying to have sex with on the side he wouldn't have resisted affection with the g/f or spent the whole time staring at Crystal. He put his relationship in jeopardy by doing that. Trying to make her feel just a little bit better veg. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Making the OP "feel better" or feel less offended by the man's behavior is not helpful. He definitely is a manipulative liar (the false story of "spent day with my dad" proves it) and that's ALL crystal needs to know to make the right choice. Basic fact: The woman who is a man's "preferred" and sole woman will be his companion at any party he attends accompanied. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrystalCastles Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Thanks gaius. Veggirl- I am not going to be sending him anything. I feel that that would be giving him power- the knowledge that he hurt me with his actions. I recall there is a quote, the opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference. So as of now, he is just some random guy in my class and nothing more. I am neither going to message him nor talk to him nor encourage any communication whatsoever. SoleMate- if he really did prefer his woman, then why the F*CK did he spend hours flirting with me on facebook and in person, lying about hanging out with her, deflecting her advances at the party, why? Hardly the actions of a taken man who is "preferring" someone else. I also never flirt back with a guy unless he's sending VERY obvious signals that he's into me. I'm very careful with my feelings and I have to be very sure that there is interest from a guy before I encourage him. I must say, his interest was even more obvious to me than the interest of guys who had eventually asked me out. And no, now, I don't consider him boyfriend material whatsoever. I'm so repulsed by him that there is no way in hell I would ever be interested. This is disgusting and despicable, and I pity his gf because she's a nice girl and probably has no idea what's going on. I think either way, it doesn't matter who he prefers. Who he prefers isn't going to change this situation. Maybe he is trying to let go of her because she's moving away at the end of this semester. Maybe they are just FWB. I know, however, that I was not misinterpreting anything. A close friend of mine witnessed most of the guy's flirting first hand and she's known him for quite a bit longer than me, and when I told her about his gf, her jaw hit the floor. She knew about our messaging, and as she put it, he was definitely interested in me, because what guy would spend 2 hours a night talking to a girl he wasn't interested in? He was very obvious with his flirting in person, patting my shoulder, staring at me as he'd walk out of the room, his focus and questions were always on me. I am so surprised this happened. Edited March 2, 2014 by CrystalCastles 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 SoleMate- if he really did prefer his woman, then why the F*CK did he spend hours flirting with me on facebook and in person, lying about hanging out with her, deflecting her advances at the party, why? Hard for the sincere and faithful to understand, but this behavior is a common pattern with those who want to keep their options open. He doubtless knows just how far he can push the "gf" with respect to batting away her caresses and he's experimenting with/learning just how hard he can jerk YOU around and still keep you on the hook. After all, gf could easily say, "if he really did prefer crystalcastles, then why the F*CK does he spend hours with me in person, lying about flirting with crystal, attending the party with me, continuing to live with me and date me, swearing loyalty, why?" etc. And a lot of other signs of his attachment to "gf" that you don't even know about...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrystalCastles Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 Hard for the sincere and faithful to understand, but this behavior is a common pattern with those who want to keep their options open. He doubtless knows just how far he can push the "gf" with respect to batting away her caresses and he's experimenting with/learning just how hard he can jerk YOU around and still keep you on the hook. After all, gf could easily say, "if he really did prefer crystalcastles, then why the F*CK does he spend hours with me in person, lying about flirting with crystal, attending the party with me, continuing to live with me and date me, swearing loyalty, why?" etc. And a lot of other signs of his attachment to "gf" that you don't even know about...... Um okay. I'm not sure what you're trying to get at, maybe something along the lines of how awesome his gf is and that I'm some sort of sub-par vagina that's hoping for some seconds, but that's not at all correct. I never made any moves on this guy first. He made it abundantly clear he was interested in me. I'm just trying to understand how this could have happened. I also don't believe I ever mentioned them living together. They actually don't. And I'm willing to believe that he most likely hasn't said anything about me to her. She didn't seem resentful or angry or anything. I'm sure there are many signs of attachment. I'm not sure what you're trying to point out either, yeah I don't know the specifics of their relationship nor do I care to know, thanks. I don't know why this thread has become me vs. her. I also don't know why people have made it to be such a huge importance to point out that I'm so not important and she is so important. Okay, I already know that. I didn't come here to take crap about how sub-par and worthless I am relative to a girl I barely know. This isn't a competition. So how about we direct the hate here towards the douchebag who is screwing over 2 women by lying to them, rather than pointing out how much more important someone else is relative to me. Until recently, I thought I was the most important one. I am already hurt enough. I actually really liked this girl. She's exactly like my best friend. I'm hoping to run into her more often, I think there's a lot we have to talk about. I am not at all resentful towards her. Her boyfriend, OTOH. I'm wondering why he even exists. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 They're just trying to argue with me and the point I made crystal. It probably rubbed them the wrong way when I suggested being empathetic about the situation. I mean, you guys have been talking but nothing sexual has been broached yet right? So he doesn't even know if he would be successful with you for sure. Expecting a guy who hasn't dated an enormous amount to dump his girlfriend for a woman that's no sure thing is generally not how men operate. Even if he's thinking more about you. Oh well if that rubs people the wrong way. He has seriously lied by omission so dating him would only tell him it's ok to do something like that. Which it isn't. So I don't think it would be a great idea to continue with the hopes of that. But I also don't think it hurts to be empathetic either. Unless you start using it as an excuse to date him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CrystalCastles Posted March 3, 2014 Author Share Posted March 3, 2014 @gaius- thank you for your support, I really appreciate it! I don't want anything to do with him. I don't want to message him, talk to him, look at him, whatever. The thought of him makes me ill. I'm sure he's lied about many other things as well. He's also revealed himself to be very hypocritical- he told me he doesn't judge women who sleep around, yet he was making fun of such a woman at the party (she wasn't there but she's in his faculty). No no, nothing sexual. Maybe a few innuendos on facebook, but they were pretty tame. Lots of flirting on facebook and in person. But he doesn't have my number and hasn't asked me out. Maybe he is keeping his options open since he knows his gf is leaving the city, but his relationship is not over yet and he's got no right to be messing with my head or the heads of other women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hello_is_it_me Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Would you really want to engage in a serious relationship with someone that has shown you how untrustworthy they can be from the start...? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 Being hit on by a taken man..... is a sign of things to come, presuming he is taken and is 'hitting on' you. Having experienced the reverse (gender-wise) with MW's, in retrospect there has never been a surprise down the road. Sure, I ignored results I should not have, but never was surprised. Up to you. Some guys (and gals) have a magnetism which obviates our sensibilities; if he's one of those, oh boy... Link to post Share on other sites
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