need your advice!

[liar liar]

Hi~I want to start off by saying "I know this is MY fault,I know I did this to MYSELF,and I take FULL blame"~BUT I need your help. I have been married for just over 3yrs to the wrong man...or well I think he is?! Anyway, as the story goes I met someone online. (Remember that I KNOW this is wrong and I don't need any bashing!)

 

Well,we email each other everyday,and chat on messenger...and yesterday we talked on the phone because he is going out of town,and by the time he gets back I will be out of town. ANYWAY~ he is married with 2 kids and I am married NO kids.(we both feel as if we are 'soul-mates')I know this sounds crazy! We are actually planning on meeting 'to see how things go' I don't expect anything from him or him from me.Ok...this is were I screwed everything up! Since this is my first time even chatting with anyone...I have lied about alot of things,mainly because I was leary of freaks and because at first it was fun and exciting but know I have really fallen hard for him,and if given the chance...I would be with him. (we have both sent photos to each other...I didn't lie about that).

 

I need some advice. Should I tell him the truth...with the explanation of the fear at first? HELP ME!

 

ps~ he lives in Europe and I live in the states

[Tony T]

Yes, you need to absolutely come clean in EVERY respect. If this man is going to put a lot of emotion into this, he needs to have the truth. Tell him and let him know why you made the misrepresentations. Tell him as soon as possible.

 

If you do this quickly and give a good reason, you may not create a trust issue. But if you wait any amount of time, there will be trouble. He already knows you go around your husband...and you know he sneaks with you on his wife. You don't need a lot of other baggage interfering.

 

Take a good set of notes on this one. A married woman in America having an affair with a married man in Europe sounds like a movie of the week.

 

Also, don't hand me this stuff about you or he not expecting anything from the other. People don't fly across the Atlantic Ocean to just have a cup of coffee with someone.

 

And, since you are leary of freaks, etc. on the Internet and telephone, you still have no reason to rule that out now. Use caution in all you do in this situation. And keep the cache in your computer cleaned out at all times.

[Laurynn]

let's see now. you've been sneaking around online, behind your husband's back.....you meet this guy......you tell him lots of lies.....so basically you have a cyber relationship that's based on lies. see anything wrong with this picture[question mark]

 

you are married. he is married [with children]. for god's sake, if you're not happy in your marriage and you don't think your husband is the one to spend your life with then grab some integrity, be honest with him how you feel and the fact that you've met someone else and let him decide what -he- wants to do. what you are doing is dirty and dishonest. you are sneaking around on him, to see if MR. CYBER is all he cracked himself up to be. you can't possibly have real feelings for him without knowing him personally, face to face. what you're feeling now is infatuation. you are infatuated with a man who's made a lifetime commitment to his wife and his children [his family]

 

end it now for if you don't, many innocent people are going to be hurt here..and this man's children could be forever hurt.

 

as for the lies you told, it sounds like you're pretty good at that, seeing how you're obviously lying to your poor husband as well. the best thing that could happen is your cyber guy is crushed by your lies and he dumps your butt...and then you get a grip.

 

laurynn

[liar liar]

Thanks for responding. I know I am an ASS!! And I know what I NEED to do...your message was a big wake-up call! Just for the record,please don't say my 'poor' husband...thats a whole other story! But I know what you mean...Damn!!!

let's see now. you've been sneaking around online, behind your husband's back.....you meet this guy......you tell him lots of lies.....so basically you have a cyber relationship that's based on lies. see anything wrong with this picture[question mark] you are married. he is married [with children]. for god's sake, if you're not happy in your marriage and you don't think your husband is the one to spend your life with then grab some integrity, be honest with him how you feel and the fact that you've met someone else and let him decide what -he- wants to do. what you are doing is dirty and dishonest. you are sneaking around on him, to see if MR. CYBER is all he cracked himself up to be. you can't possibly have real feelings for him without knowing him personally, face to face. what you're feeling now is infatuation. you are infatuated with a man who's made a lifetime commitment to his wife and his children [his family]

 

end it now for if you don't, many innocent people are going to be hurt here..and this man's children could be forever hurt. as for the lies you told, it sounds like you're pretty good at that, seeing how you're obviously lying to your poor husband as well. the best thing that could happen is your cyber guy is crushed by your lies and he dumps your butt...and then you get a grip. laurynn

[sparkle]

Honey, pick up the remote control for this affair and HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON. No matter how awful your husband is, no matter how much he cheats on you, lies, or beats you, he is STILL your husband. Get a divorce if he's not treating you right, but for God's sake, wait until AFTER the divorce is final.

 

Why are you still with your husband if you're talking to this guy? That's my biggest question. And if this guy is your soulmate, why is he still married? If he tells you he's in 'the process of' getting separated or getting a divorce, that is the biggest piece of bull I've heard.

 

Getting a divorce is very easy, not as complicated as it may seem...especially in your case, there are no children involved.

 

So pause your affair. Divorce your husband. Make sure he divorces his wife and has the papers to prove it! Then AND ONLY THEN should you continue your internet fling/relationship with your "soulmate".

 

By the way, I bet you a thousand bucks that this internet thing is NOT going to work out.

[Laurynn]

okay so maybe your hubby is a real boob, for various reasons [only you know them].....but then do what you can to end your marriage -before- you get involved with someone else. plus you know what.....there are thousands and thousands of people who 'meet' someone online, they 'fall' for them, bla bla bla. these truly aren't real relationships, even if you talk on the phone. it's truly nothing more than infatuation....and it's finding 'something' that fills a void. you hear and read it time and time again.....someone isn't happy in their marriage, they surf the net and 'meet' someone..this new person seems perfect, seems to be their 'long lost soulmate'......this person is so sweet, says all the right things, is damn near perfect. but the harsh truth of the matter is....anyone can be anything online. of course they're sweet and kind and understanding and all that..because it's not really real. it's not 'real life'.....these people portray themself to be 'just' the person you're looking for. it's mostly all nothing but a game. to be honest with you, lots of people play these games just for entertainment. lots of married people do it...it's a diversion, a game, a boost to their ego....they are sneaking around behind their spouse's back [they love the challenge of it all]...they want a little excitement in their life. they'll tell you how bad their marriage is, what a cow their wife is, how she 'doesn't understand me...not like -you- do' bla bla bla......

 

don't get sucked in. be a realist here too. this dude is married, he has a family and he lives in europe. you don't know his real situation at all, do you [question mark]....he might have a great marriage but he's just a conniving assh-le who's getting his kicks.

 

if you have a bad marriage and you're not being treated well, please do something about it. separate, move out, file for a divorce......don't look to someone else [and a married 'someone else' at that] to fill your perceived void. you'll only get hurt plus you'll be responsible for hurting many, many innocent people.

 

take good care,

 

laurynn

[liar liar]

THANK YOU!! You are helping me more than you know! I feel like the s*** I am!! My husband doesn't beat me,yell at me,boss me around...nothing! but that is just it! He ignores me completely..normal marriage maybe?lol He is a slacker and so immature(I know I am being that way too,don't rub it in!ha!)I know you are right about being 'involved' in a story of the week~married man situation~I have known people who have done it and all the pain. At first it was JUST fun flirting and friendship,but I HAVE BEEN sucked in! And now I feel so bad! I really am a nice person who screwed up and got way in over my head. OOOoooohhhhh~{pounding head on desk!!} I know you are going to think..."ok,she DOES NOT GET THIS!"...BUT,how do I end it? I do have feelings about him...real or not who knows,Thanks for helping and I look forward to your response....

 

Jen

okay so maybe your hubby is a real boob, for various reasons [only you know them].....but then do what you can to end your marriage -before- you get involved with someone else. plus you know what.....there are thousands and thousands of people who 'meet' someone online, they 'fall' for them, bla bla bla. these truly aren't real relationships, even if you talk on the phone. it's truly nothing more than infatuation....and it's finding 'something' that fills a void. you hear and read it time and time again.....someone isn't happy in their marriage, they surf the net and 'meet' someone..this new person seems perfect, seems to be their 'long lost soulmate'......this person is so sweet, says all the right things, is damn near perfect. but the harsh truth of the matter is....anyone can be anything online. of course they're sweet and kind and understanding and all that..because it's not really real. it's not 'real life'.....these people portray themself to be 'just' the person you're looking for. it's mostly all nothing but a game. to be honest with you, lots of people play these games just for entertainment. lots of married people do it...it's a diversion, a game, a boost to their ego....they are sneaking around behind their spouse's back [they love the challenge of it all]...they want a little excitement in their life. they'll tell you how bad their marriage is, what a cow their wife is, how she 'doesn't understand me...not like -you- do' bla bla bla...... don't get sucked in. be a realist here too. this dude is married, he has a family and he lives in europe. you don't know his real situation at all, do you [question mark]....he might have a great marriage but he's just a conniving assh-le who's getting his kicks. if you have a bad marriage and you're not being treated well, please do something about it. separate, move out, file for a divorce......don't look to someone else [and a married 'someone else' at that] to fill your perceived void. you'll only get hurt plus you'll be responsible for hurting many, many innocent people. take good care, laurynn

[Laurynn]

first of all, you are -not- 'sh-t', as you put it. don't speak of yourself that way. we are all human and we all do stupid things. sometimes we allow ourselves to be guided strictly by emotions, and our logic and common sense goes right out the window [exclamation mark]

 

think about this all realistically. you feel an attachment to this virtual stranger...but do you ---really--- know much about him [question mark]......he could be handing you a total line of bull [or a few of them]. he's very likely married to a good woman, has good kids, and a good family. there's a good chance he's just playing you for a fool. you really don't -know- him. right [question mark]

 

how do you know he's not chatting it up with several other women online [question mark]......it's very possible that he has an entire online harem, and his poor wife has no idea.

 

i can't even begin to tell you the large number of stories i've heard that are similar to yours. i've even heard of women meeting this 'mr wonderful' online....falling in love [yeah, that aint real love]....then abandoning their husband and children to be with 'mr wonderful'...and they find out what a horrible mistake they've made.....but it's too late, they really screwed things up. some women even find out that their dream man is a freaking nutcase.

 

note this too....lots of people online go after those who live great distances away.......they do this purposely.......because they know it's not realistic that they'll ever meet or really get together....but they like to play the game. the purposely seek out those who live a great distance away.

 

if you feel your hubby ignores you and you're not satisfied in your marriage.......out of respect and commitment to him, why don't you tell him how you feel. sit him down, lay it all out on the table...he deserves to know how you really feel [if you haven't told him already]....maybe you two are in a 'rut'.....that happens sometimes. two people end up taking each other for granted, things get mundane and too comfortable.

 

maybe you two need some marriage counselling [question mark]......remember, you fell in love with your husband and married him for -many reasons-..right [question mark]........he's someone you committed your life and love to, til death do you part. nobody said marriage was always going to be exciting, nobody said it was going to be easy.

 

if you are missing something in your marriage..do all you can to find it again.........stop looking to be fulfilled by someone else, let alone some dude across the world. he could be the biggest pathological liar you'll ever encounter.

 

things with him will not work. let's be realistic. he lives there, you live here. he has children. even if he -does- leave his wife [which he likely won't], he's going to have to split up his family.....and do a lot of damage to his innocent children. and if he could do this to his wife, why on earth wouldn't he do this to you one day.....because he will.

 

got talk to a marriage counsellor, even if you have to go alone at first. wouldn't it make more sense to work on the problems in your marriage than looking to some cyberdude tomake you happy.

 

laurynn

[unnamed]

Later in life, you will regret this. Not only are you going behind your husband's back, but your risking everything you have and what you and your husband.

 

You met him online. Great. But how much do you really know? Very little, I know that for a fact. Besides that, how do you know he's not lying to you?

 

I think what you are doing is foolish, completely foolish... especially for a married woman. I could see a teenager doing this, but not someone like you. Save your husband some pain and the drop the artificial online infatuation.

[Rogue]

Believe it or not "Liar", I understand what you're going through. I also understand what your husband is going through and will go through.

 

Let me explain. As I've mentioned before in another post, four of my friends had their marriages end because their spouses ran off with someone they met at the internet.(AT least that's the last count.I just heard of one more friend, but it's borderline for now). You seem to think you have this wonderful, unique, truly special thing going on with this guy.You think this guy knows you like noone else does. You think there is connection between you two that nobody else understands. You think you can be yourself to this man and be accepted. You think this is worth leaving your marriage for. Your husband seems distant, he seems like he doesn't even care for you(except maybe for sex) and he never pays attention to your needs.

 

Am I right? Did I hit the nail on the head? Isn't there some element of truth in what I said?

 

If I'm right, how did I know all this? Because I heard it all before. I've heard so many versions of the same story. And based on that, I can tell you honestly that what you feel is an illusion. It feels real enough, the emotions are strong, but it's not real. Your constant dialogue with this guy gives some idea who he is, but a lot of your image of him is made up in your mind. You give him qualities your husband doesn't possess, in reality they are probably not that diffirent from each other.

 

Your husband you know well, you've seen his negative side, you've dealt with some of the more annoying parts of his personality. You've not done that with this "Chatroom Romeo", the worst you've had to do is read a few of his ICQ's or e-mails. His wife obviously can't be that impressed with him, so why do you consider him to be such a catch? Because you've never had to deal with him being immature in person. It seems much cuter as text on a computer screen, but not so adorable in day to day life.

 

Even if you meet this guy in person, you'd still be fooling yourselves. We've all dated people who impressed us at the beginning until we got past appearances and realized what they were really like. I'm sure you were nuts about your husband the first few dates you had with him, and were probably enarmored of him for months at a time. You couldn't really know your husband after meeting him once in person, and you can't do the same for this guy. One meeting, or a month full of meetings, still wouldn't put this guy on even footing with your Hubby.

 

We all need to express ourselves to someone. We all need to bare our souls at someone we can trust. You think you can do this with this guy, but not your husband. But you're wrong. Sure it's a lot harder to talk to your husband, but the pay off is bigger if you do. I suggest you write an e-mail to your husband, and really open yourself up to him as much as you can. You'd be surprised at the results. He needs to know you're unhappy, and why, and what can he do to change that. You know what he'd probably say? He'll say :

 

" I never knew you felt that way. All this time, I didn't know."

 

You see, every one of my friends who lost a spouse to internet, never saw it coming. They never knew how their spouse felt. They sought romance in the internet, not realizing the in the next room was their spouse who yearned to romance them. But they never got a chance, because their spouse sent those feelings off long distance to someone equally weak and desperate.Eventually, the spouse just left or kicked them out, not realizing who they were hurting. It's sad, it breaks my heart to see it happen all over again.

 

You are giving up your marriage for a fantasy. Your internet romance is a self-perpetuated lie, and you believe it because you feel you don't have any other options. Right now, you feel that living with this fantasy makes your life more tolerable, more worthwhile. Those feelings are strong, but they are wrong!! Don't trust those feelings.

 

Just so that you know, the abandoned spouses all were devasted when they were left. They all said the same thing.

 

They told me that deep down they still cared for their spouse, but they've been hurt too bad to show it. They all became bitter, and the children left behind now have a lifetime's worth of suffering ahead of them.

 

And it was also bad for the internet relationships. One guy, who slept my friend's wife after they met in the internet, ended up in a court martial. They were both in the U.S. military, and adultery is illegal in military law. The cheating wife got sent home in disgrace, alone, the guy went to a military prison. I don't know what happened in the others, since I've heard nothing about it in a while.

 

Do yourself a favor. Don't meet this guy.End it all, the whole ugly mess right now. Don't even bother to explain it to him, he'll figure it out soon enough. If you don't want to do it for your marriage, do it for the guy's kids at least.What you and this guy have is not special, it is not unique, it is not the answer to the real issues that are making you unhappy. You can't build anything meaningful using the suffering of others as a foundation. It's not just an issue of morality, it's also a simple truth.

 

I wish I had a magic movie camera show you the consequences of what you're thinking of. I also wish I could show you what the situation looks like when you're not caught up with emotions. I wish I could make you see the extent of the deception you've placed on your self. But I can't. All I can do is to tell you the truth from the bottom of my heart and hope to heck you see it.

[Tony T]

In liar liar's original post, way way above, she wrote:

 

"Hi~I want to start off by saying "I know this is MY fault,I know I did this to MYSELF,and I take FULL blame"~BUT I need your help. I have been married for just over 3yrs to the wrong man...or well I think he is?! Anyway, as the story goes I met someone online. (Remember that I KNOW this is wrong and I don't need any bashing!)"

 

I think her statements made it very clear that she understood what she was doing and knew fully the consequences.

 

I really wanted to get into it but I respected the boundaries she yearned to set. I am sorry others have chosen to bash her against her wishes, make her feel low, etc. about what she is doing because I think she already is there.

 

She is extremely unhappy in her marriage and I don't think this unhappiness started because she was on the Internet. I am as good at bashing as most anybody but when someone puts up the white flag, I think that ought to be respected.

[fishbulb]

let's see now. you've been sneaking around

online, behind your husband's back.....you meet this guy......you tell him lots of lies.....so basically you have a cyber relationship that's based on lies. see anything wrong with this picture[question mark] you are married. he is married [with children]. for god's sake, if you're not happy in your marriage and you don't think your husband is the one to spend your life with then grab some integrity, be honest with him how you feel and the fact that you've met someone else and let him decide what -he- wants to do. what you are doing is dirty and dishonest. you are sneaking around on him, to see if MR. CYBER is all he cracked himself up to be. you can't possibly have real feelings for him without knowing him personally, face to face. what you're feeling now is infatuation. you are infatuated with a man who's made a lifetime commitment to his wife and his children [his family]

 

end it now for if you don't, many innocent people are going to be hurt here..and this man's children could be forever hurt. as for the lies you told, it sounds like you're pretty good at that, seeing how you're obviously lying to your poor husband as well. the best thing that could happen is your cyber guy is crushed by your lies and he dumps your butt...and then you get a grip. laurynn

 

I agree w/ Laurynn- you're in love w/ an ideal that will NEVER be what you imagine. And you HAVE to think about it...if you two hook up, what's to stop him (or you, but mostly him), if he would do that to a relationship that has borne children, what would he do to one that hasn't?...

[fishbulb]

first of all, you are -not- 'sh-t', as you

put it. don't speak of yourself that way. we are all human and we all do stupid things. sometimes we allow ourselves to be guided strictly by emotions, and our logic and common sense goes right out the window [exclamation mark] think about this all realistically. you feel an attachment to this virtual stranger...but do you ---really--- know much about him [question mark]......he could be handing you a total line of bull [or a few of them]. he's very likely married to a good woman, has good kids, and a good family. there's a good chance he's just playing you for a fool. you really don't -know- him. right [question mark] how do you know he's not chatting it up with several other women online [question mark]......it's very possible that he has an entire online harem, and his poor wife has no idea. i can't even begin to tell you the large number of stories i've heard that are similar to yours. i've even heard of women meeting this 'mr wonderful' online....falling in love [yeah, that aint real love]....then abandoning their husband and children to be with 'mr wonderful'...and they find out what a horrible mistake they've made.....but it's too late, they really screwed things up. some women even find out that their dream man is a freaking nutcase. note this too....lots of people online go after those who live great distances away.......they do this purposely.......because they know it's not realistic that they'll ever meet or really get together....but they like to play the game. the purposely seek out those who live a great distance away. if you feel your hubby ignores you and you're not satisfied in your marriage.......out of respect and commitment to him, why don't you tell him how you feel. sit him down, lay it all out on the table...he deserves to know how you really feel [if you haven't told him already]....maybe you two are in a 'rut'.....that happens sometimes. two people end up taking each other for granted, things get mundane and too comfortable. maybe you two need some marriage counselling [question mark]......remember, you fell in love with your husband and married him for -many reasons-..right [question mark]........he's someone you committed your life and love to, til death do you part. nobody said marriage was always going to be exciting, nobody said it was going to be easy. if you are missing something in your marriage..do all you can to find it again.........stop looking to be fulfilled by someone else, let alone some dude across the world. he could be the biggest pathological liar you'll ever encounter. things with him will not work. let's be realistic. he lives there, you live here. he has children. even if he -does- leave his wife [which he likely won't], he's going to have to split up his family.....and do a lot of damage to his innocent children. and if he could do this to his wife, why on earth wouldn't he do this to you one day.....because he will. got talk to a marriage counsellor, even if you have to go alone at first. wouldn't it make more sense to work on the problems in your marriage than looking to some cyberdude tomake you happy.

 

laurynn

 

Fishbulb again...listen to Laurynn...plus, she's not Dr Neal...

[liar liar]

I just wanted to say 'thanks' to everyone who posted with advice. When I showed up here yesterday,I was a total mess!

 

As I was reading Laurynns message'first of all...' it really hit me and I began to cry. What a release! I NEEDED that. I don't mean to get sappy,but you guys have saved me! I thank you all for your honesty and caring enough to post. Tony, thanks for defending me about the bashing,but in a way thats what I needed. I have seen the light and decided to end it TOTALLY. I will continue to post and let you all know how things are going. Thanks,again!

In liar liar's original post, way way above, she wrote: "Hi~I want to start off by saying "I know this is MY fault,I know I did this to MYSELF,and I take FULL blame"~BUT I need your help. I have been married for just over 3yrs to the wrong man...or well I think he is?! Anyway, as the story goes I met someone online. (Remember that I KNOW this is wrong and I don't need any bashing!)" I think her statements made it very clear that she understood what she was doing and knew fully the consequences. I really wanted to get into it but I respected the boundaries she yearned to set. I am sorry others have chosen to bash her against her wishes, make her feel low, etc. about what she is doing because I think she already is there. She is extremely unhappy in her marriage and I don't think this unhappiness started because she was on the Internet. I am as good at bashing as most anybody but when someone puts up the white flag, I think that ought to be respected.

[Tony T]

Wow, when I bash people, they get pissed. When I don't bash people, they say they really would have preferred to be bashed.

 

I guess it's really difficult to win sometimes.

 

I'm really glad you got the help here you needed and I hope all works out well for you.

[Ed]

Tony, you are so suave. I thought you already knew that sometimes, when women say "no", they really mean "yes".

 

:^)

[Tony T]

Actually, Ed, I knew that...but the real test is to know exactly when no means yes and no means no and when yes means yes and when yes means no and when maybe means absolutely not and when absolutely not means perhaps someday and when perhaps someday means no way in hell...do you get my drift???

[Ed]

Uhhhh...yes...And now we have drifted off in the middle of the Indian Ocean somewhere.