myname Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Sorry if this is upsetting to anyone, I am just trying to decide what is best to do. I am pregnant and almost in the third trimester, the MM is still with his wife, I am not expecting him to leave her but I am wondering if I should tell her as I know he will not. He says he wants to be involved with the child but I cannot see how this will work if he has to keep it a secret from his wife. I am considering withdrawing completely which will mean him having no contact with his child. There is obviously not an easy solution to this but I am looking for the views of betrayed wives and what they would prefer in this situation. I understand it is not what anyone would want so if anyone is able to give any answer from their perspective I will appreciate that. Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 What a horrible situation to be in. Without judging how you got yourself into such a mess, I hope you are coping, have a support system and a realistic view on what it is like to be a single mom. I was a betrayed wife a long time ago; it was a one time slip up on his part and the lying he did to hide it (incl. telling me he had a heart condition) hurt me far more than the actual infidelity and unfortunately it was one of the many flaws he had and that is why he is my ex now. However, if he had another child in the world I would have liked to know about it so I could hold him to his responsibilities, no matter how hard that would have been for me. The kids involved in this never asked for this after all. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Assuming that you end up in court for child support, the BS will find out. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I hate to say it, but this is one of the very few occasions I think it would be a legitimate action to take; to tell the wife. I really feel it would be preferable for her to know before the baby is even born, rather than have her, and the remainder of the family, find this out many years down the line. The fall-out would be unimaginable... If he seriously wants involvement with this child - then let him have it and keep him to his word. Get child support and let his wife know where this money is going. By rights, as his spouse, she has a right to know where their joint funds are being channelled. If this child is acknowledged by him - and by connection, his family - your child will not run the risk of rejection and court cases for inheritance, and all other manner and means of hitherto unseen complications, down the line.... Should (heaven forbid) your child ever need urgent medical attention, it will be simpler if the family is pre-warned, in order to be able to assist medically, should the need arise (what if your child were to need a kidney for example, and his father was a match?) I know i'm throwing in a whole lot of 'what ifs'.... but life doesn't always have a habit of running smoothly and trouble-free..... Does it? 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myname Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thank you for your replies, it seems that so far telling his wife is the better thing to do than not. If I were to tell, as I believe he will not then it would have to be me, then what in your opinion would be the best way to do this? Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Yes, we would want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thank you for your replies, it seems that so far telling his wife is the better thing to do than not. If I were to tell, as I believe he will not then it would have to be me, then what in your opinion would be the best way to do this? Write to her. Keep it in the simplest terms. Give her no name as yet, nor anything else she doesn't immediately NEED to know. "Dear Mrs <name> I have been in an affair with your H for <XX months/years> I am pregnant by him and our child is due in <whenever> Your H has stated that he wishes to maintain contact with the child and me. I think it vital under the circumstances that you be aware of this, because as he intends to pay support, this will influence the funds available to his family. If you need further communication, this is my email address: <create a new email addy purely for this dialogue to be opened.> Sincererly, Your husband's mistress. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) If I were to tell, as I believe he will not then it would have to be me, then what in your opinion would be the best way to do this? You will have to deal with the OM and maybe his wife for many years. It would be better for him to tell her. Give him the chance to do that. Tell him that if he doesn't tell her, you will. Edited March 2, 2014 by Buckeye2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myname Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks Tara, that sounds good, she does know that he had an affair with me over a year ago though so I think I would need to be honest about who I am even though that scares me a little as she knows where I work and I can imagine she will be very upset and angry. I fear sending the letter and not knowing what will next come my way or when. Buckeye, how long should I give him? I have not threatened to tell her if he doesn't but I have spoken to him about when he will tell her, he says never while he lives with her and I don't see him making any plans to move out... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 It would be better for him to tell her. Give him the chance to do that. Tell him that if he doesn't tell her, you will. She already stated in her first post that her lover will not tell his wife. The pregnancy is in an advanced state. 4if he hasn't said anything so far, it's doubtful he will, but yes, perhaps she should give him that option. That however, may make things turn ugly before they "need" to be. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 myname, in that case, yes. it will take courage, but your fear is based on the unknown; once it's out, then at least the truth will be exposed. If you give him the option of telling her, would he threaten to withdraw support, and 'play nasty'....? Saying "if you don't tell her, I will" sounds confrontational. Maybe if you suggest to him that at one point, this WILL have to come to light (consider the scenarios in my first post) would pleading to his better nature help? If you think he may turn vindictive, then maybe by-passing his inclusion in the revelation may be the best option.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author myname Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) I have told him how it is likely to come out at some point, his response was just that once she knows he will be homeless, taken to the cleaners etc... So an ultimatum to him over this is unlikely to go down well. He might threaten to withdraw support but right now his support is nothing so pretty worthless and I already am considering doing it all alone as I cannot rely on his future support. I guess also he might prepare some damage limitation, along the lines of I am crazy, making it up or something. I will try to talk to him again about it before i take the step of telling her myself but my previous experience makes me think it will have to be me who does it. I was wondering if a phone call would be better than a letter, so he cannot intercept the letter and destroy it and also so I know what the initial response is rather than waiting and worrying what might happen. Edited March 2, 2014 by myname Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I have told him how it is likely to come out at some point, his response was just that once she knows he will be homeless, taken to the cleaners etc... he's being pathetic and pulling on your 'guilt' chain to coerce you into silence.... So an ultimatum to him over this is unlikely to go down well. He might threaten to withdraw support but right now his support is nothing so pretty worthless and I already am considering doing it all alone as I cannot rely on his future support. I guess also he might prepare some damage limitation, along the lines of I am crazy, making it up or something. A paternity test would pretty much nail his involvement; and a court order for Child support can't be ignored.... ....I was wondering if a phone call would be better than a letter, so he cannot intercept the letter and destroy it and also so I know what the initial response is rather than waiting and worrying what might happen. If you think a 'phone call would be better, then make the call. have a good friend nearby, to hold your hand and give you courage. you don't have to do this all alone.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Slightly different angle: Talk to a family lawyer and get input on the best steps for you to take re informing the BS, and also generally. A good family lawyer will move things to a plane, not of emotion and rivalry and tit-for-tat (not saying you're there but things could easily go there), but just practical realities that are in your and your child's best interest. You can also let the lawyer know that you'd like the ex-MM's family's interests to be protected, to the extent possible, if that is in fact your wish. If the lawyer feels the BS should be informed, than the lawyer can write the letter. That will be a completely different and much crisper communication that is also a lot less likely to result in the ugliest forms of blowback to you. It gives the BS an unemotional third party to get facts from and it also provides a witness to what communication ensues. The lawyer can also screen your name and contact info if that is the decision. And if the lawyer feels the BS should NOT be informed, then I'd take that advice and reasoning very seriously. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myname Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 That's fantastic advice solemate. Not sure what protecting his family's interest would mean, his wife I assume will retain all her current rights in marriage and his parents are dead, he has a sister who has children, I guess it would just be their choice whether they wanted contact with the child? He doesn't have any other children at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myname Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 I understand that this subject may cause pain for some so I apologise for those it does affect that way. It is true that I am not considering telling his wife for her benefit really, it is entirely because I think if he wants to be a father to his child then the child cannot be a secret so she will have to know. My only other viable option is to raise the child with no father. I know that could be damaging for the child also... There is no going back in time, I am past the time limit for an abortion so I am trying to figure out what is the best option in a difficult situation. It is useful to hear from BS's and what their preference would be. To never know and for the child to be ignored, to find out from the OW before the birth, after the birth, to find out from the child searching when he is old enough to? Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 I am a W, not a BW or MOW. But if my husband had an affair and was expecting a child, I would want to know. Best to hear about it from him but actually if not him, then OW. Most importantly, I should know. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Yeah....ummmmm.......she needs to know. Your XMM participated in an adult thing, now he needs to pay the adult consequences. That is HIS child and he needs to step up. His BS deserves to know, eventually she'll find out anyway more than likely. I hope you have some folks in your corner for support, single parenting is challenging. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Sorry, we had a hyrda stop by and do some disrupting so, if there are posts missing, that's why. It also appears that this thread is mis-categorized, hence moved to the most appropriate forum. Please continue! Edited March 2, 2014 by William Update. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myname Posted March 2, 2014 Author Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks for the replies, it seems everyone thinks she should be informed, but preferably by him. I will try again to talk to him about telling her, and I will look into the suggestion of going through a lawyer if necessary. I have supportive friends and family luckily, cos it is a bit scary doing this alone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks for the replies, it seems everyone thinks she should be informed, but preferably by him. I will try again to talk to him about telling her, and I will look into the suggestion of going through a lawyer if necessary. I have supportive friends and family luckily, cos it is a bit scary doing this alone. Your child has rights. Doing things through the legal system is most important. Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks for the replies, it seems everyone thinks she should be informed, but preferably by him. I will try again to talk to him about telling her, and I will look into the suggestion of going through a lawyer if necessary. Either way, his wife needs to know; good for you taking charge. Put yourself in her shoes: would you want to live a lie? Also, he needs to be responsible for that child. If he is a whimp and is not involved with the child, he needs to at least support you guys financially. I said it earlier, I'll say it again: "when you do adult things (sex w/o protection) you pay adult consequences. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 you want my take- don't allow your child to become some dirty little secret of someone else's marriage. do you really want to be meeting in secret- behind closed doors and backallyes -just so he can "keep up appearances"... so he can return to his comfortable and stable home, while you carry the burden of raising the child as a single mother. seems pretty unfair that he has the option of coming in and out of this childs life, all the while denying his very existence. how hypocritcal is that? either he takes responsibility in a forthcoming way, or he gives up his parental rights and you move on. you may find a real man to take the reigns as a full time father without the intrusion of this wannabe part-time daddy. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 Dear myname (ek?), you are facing a difficult situation so I hope you are not too stressed out thinking about this. The most important thing at the moment is to take care of yourself, physically and mentally, especially now that you are getting into the third trimester. For the time being, why not just let your AP deals with his BW alone. Leave it to him whether to disclose it now or not. Though for me I hope he won't yet because we would never know how things will affect you (and the pregnancy). Does the presence of the AP right now is essential for you? Because if you are able to be independent and be just by yourself, maybe this pregnancy is the chance for you to get away from this tangled A life for a while, or at least to limit contact with him. Take solace with your baby, and give it your best without being influenced by other people, 19:22. Now back to the BW, I think this is something that she should be informed about at last, when you are ready and less vulnerable. Maybe some members here think otherwise, but for me this matter really is related to her because obviously the father is her H. She should have all the truth to decide her own life, and at that time maybe you could be the one to help her with your information. Just pondering, if your AP choose to continue to hide all this from his BW into the future, it should raises a few questions; How much/how long he'd be able deceive someone living with him? Is this the quality that you could turn a blind eye to? Link to post Share on other sites
Danielle1114 Posted March 2, 2014 Share Posted March 2, 2014 The lawyer is a good idea. BW probably already has the feeling she doesn't know things. If this guy is hiding a baby, you can bet he has covered up other things. She would probably like to stop thinking she is crazy.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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