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Would a bs want to know about a pregnancy?


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I actually was in the BS's shoes with this and wrote a whole post about it somewhere on here. She didn't tell me, his friends indicated that she might be and so I called her myself to find out the truth.

 

Now... should you tell her? I don't know. I mean, she needs to know, but putting yourself in that stressful situation while you are pregnant isn't a good idea. He should really be the one to tell her. That's on him.

 

For your own sanity and for the sake of the baby I'd say you should just let her find out on her own. She's going to find out... especially if you take him to court for child support. Why stress yourself out about it?

 

But... if you feel like you can handle it and it won't put undue stress on you then go for it.

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Take pride in the child you have conceived with him, don't hide him and don't create an environment that will one day make your child feel ashamed or unwanted. The next steps you take will create the path your child's life will take, don't handicap this innocent life before he even has chance, he deserves huge love and all the protection his family can give him. Tell his wife because her children now have a new sibling, it's no longer about cheating, too many others are now affected. Don't start your child's life with a lie.

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Yes I would like to know. I would hope that in some way in the future the child could have a relationship with my children, if not with me. Why should they miss out on a half-sibling ?

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Of course you tell her, especially if he refuses. Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was having another child while still married to you? Are you still having an affair with him? I'm asking because I notice that you still talk to him, so I'm wondering.

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whichwayisup

I like the lawyer idea.

 

I have told him how it is likely to come out at some point, his response was just that once she knows he will be homeless, taken to the cleaners etc...

Boo hoo-hoo to him. Then he shouldn't have had an affair in the first place and put himself in a situation where he could get someone else pregnant.

 

Of course he's terrified of losing everything and having to pay through the nose, but that's part of HIS consequence of doing what he's done. He's grown man, not a child.

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I think you need to get proper advice from an attorney before you tell the BS. I always worry about pregnant OW's telling the BS during pregnancy. D Days are very emotional and BS's understandably react out of raw pain. I would hate for the fallout to cause stress that may harm your unborn child. I do think the wife should know, but I'd wait until the baby is born. That way, you can have the proper DNA testing done and file for child support. I'm not trying to upset anyone here, but in these cases I think ensuring you have a healthy pregnancy should come first.

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If you want this mm to be in your child's life, the bs is going to have to know, sooner or later. If she stays with her h, she will be a step parent to your child, And if he gets visitation, weekends with the baby, etc. then she will be involved in this child's life.

 

Doesn't it just make sense to do this under the best possible terms for the given situation?

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jellybean89

I would want to know.

 

Are you involved in a romantic relationship still with the MM? If not, I would make sure the wife knows that -- that all you 'expect' is for him to be a parent to your child. Let her know you will be petitioning the court for child support as that is the father's legal obligation.

 

She will most likely be shocked and upset, as I am sure you know.

 

But...if the MM does stay in the child's life, he will be taking visitation most likely and the child will be at him/their home. She will be in the child's life, if she stays with the MM.

 

She may even encourage him to be in the child's life.

 

Funny how MM is worried about his wife 'taking him to the cleaners' :rolleyes: since you are pregnant; but he didn't seem to have that worry when he started the affair with you. There is only so much legally she can do financially to him; I think he is saying that stuff to you to make you pity him.

 

He hasn't told her for the last 6 months...so don't count on him telling her any time soon. He's a coward.

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Hope Shimmers

I don't think it matters whether she wants to know. It's a baby and something her H will have to face. Therefore it will affect her too. She needs to know.

 

I was in a similar situation except that I lost my daughter in the second trimester. I know the BS in my situation would not have wanted to know. Had this devastating event (the baby's death) not happened, she would have had to know.

 

Congratulations on your new little one. As others have said, treasure him/her for who s/he is.

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LilGirlandOW

yes she needs to know. But right now focus on your health and your babies health. Don't send yourself into the trenches to inform her. He needs to be held accountable and your soon arrival be treated as a blessing to the world, not a shame in MM's past.

 

 

Who cares how it will affect MM or BS, focus on the innocent baby now.

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cozycottagelg

If she kicks him out, can he come live with you? Him saying he will be taken to the cleaners should have been something he thought of before he had a D-day and continued with the affair...

 

His wife needs to know that some of their income is going to a child she didn't know about.

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Anne Boleyn

When he says "I can't tell my wife," I hear "I don't plan on supporting this child beyond what's convenient to me." Obviously, that's unacceptable. It has nothing to do with his marriage, your life, or anything beyond the fact that a child is coming that needs support, all support he or she is entitled to.

 

Tell him that he needs to tell his wife, give him a deadline and stick to it. If he doesn't tell her, let him know that you're worried that he won't be there for the child personally or financially, and that you're afraid he's making the child a dirty secret in the hopes he or she will go away, and that's not OK. Then, quietly get a lawyer. Let him or her know the situation, get the ball rolling on establishing legal paternity, child support, inheritance rights, and so on.

 

Will this piss him off? Oh, absolutely. And any relationship that you guys still have will most likely end because it seems he likes to call the shots and you've effectively painted him into a corner where he can't do things on his terms anymore. Yes, it'll suck and no you may not want it, but with a baby coming... This isn't about you, him, your relationship anymore. It's about taking care of that child. You vanishing and taking the baby with you... Honestly, it's exactly what he wants and probably the reason he hasn't said anything. That's the magic bullet that allows him to get out of the situation without paying, without being accountable to seeing the baby, and without being the bad guy should his wife find out. He will say you vanished, despite his best efforts and intentions to be there for his child, but it was you, the evil other woman, who took that child away.

 

I don't believe in waiting until the baby is born to handle this... It should be resolved as soon as possible. First off, it doesn't get easier to do with a baby. If anything, getting to court, meeting the court appointments and deadlines, all while juggling a child as a largely single parent, without even thinking about things like squeezing in a job... It's insanely hard and will get harder with a born child. And when it comes to actually having the child, that's a major, major expense. Even if it's covered by insurance. You need to establish his responsibilities on that as soon as possible. And practically speaking, getting this sorted out could take an exceptionally long time. The sooner you get it started, the sooner it is finished. The sooner you receive child support, settle finances, custody, etc.

 

From his standpoint, the less he'll have to pay in back support as well so his burden is lessened. And from his wife's standpoint, it gives her time to prepare for a baby, mentally, financially, environmentally, emotionally... Because, let's be honest, you're probably going to share custody with him and, by default, her. She needs time to get ready to take care of a baby 20-50% of the time too. That is, if she stays.

 

For you... There are things to consider, namely, the above. She will share custody of this child, if she stays. Even if she doesn't stay, she can make your life difficult. I got a taste of that with my husband's BS when I was pregnant, even though they weren't together anymore, she filed motions to establish paternity, motions to share custody, motions to declare my income/assets as something she'd have access to because of the child's connection to her husband... If I remember right, she even wanted to establish that if my child inherited money and my husband was named as the person who handled the money (with or without me) until the child was of-age, that she'd have access to control of that money as well. She wanted access and disclosure on everything from what my husband could inherit on the death of our child to if our child got money how she'd get it divided to her. So be prepared.

 

That all being said, handle this sooner, not later. It gets a lot harder, a lot more complicated later.

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When he says "I can't tell my wife," I hear "I don't plan on supporting this child beyond what's convenient to me." Obviously, that's unacceptable. It has nothing to do with his marriage, your life, or anything beyond the fact that a child is coming that needs support, all support he or she is entitled to.

 

Tell him that he needs to tell his wife, give him a deadline and stick to it. If he doesn't tell her, let him know that you're worried that he won't be there for the child personally or financially, and that you're afraid he's making the child a dirty secret in the hopes he or she will go away, and that's not OK. Then, quietly get a lawyer. Let him or her know the situation, get the ball rolling on establishing legal paternity, child support, inheritance rights, and so on.

 

Will this piss him off? Oh, absolutely. And any relationship that you guys still have will most likely end because it seems he likes to call the shots and you've effectively painted him into a corner where he can't do things on his terms anymore. Yes, it'll suck and no you may not want it, but with a baby coming... This isn't about you, him, your relationship anymore. It's about taking care of that child. You vanishing and taking the baby with you... Honestly, it's exactly what he wants and probably the reason he hasn't said anything. That's the magic bullet that allows him to get out of the situation without paying, without being accountable to seeing the baby, and without being the bad guy should his wife find out. He will say you vanished, despite his best efforts and intentions to be there for his child, but it was you, the evil other woman, who took that child away.

 

I don't believe in waiting until the baby is born to handle this... It should be resolved as soon as possible. First off, it doesn't get easier to do with a baby. If anything, getting to court, meeting the court appointments and deadlines, all while juggling a child as a largely single parent, without even thinking about things like squeezing in a job... It's insanely hard and will get harder with a born child. And when it comes to actually having the child, that's a major, major expense. Even if it's covered by insurance. You need to establish his responsibilities on that as soon as possible. And practically speaking, getting this sorted out could take an exceptionally long time. The sooner you get it started, the sooner it is finished. The sooner you receive child support, settle finances, custody, etc.

 

From his standpoint, the less he'll have to pay in back support as well so his burden is lessened. And from his wife's standpoint, it gives her time to prepare for a baby, mentally, financially, environmentally, emotionally... Because, let's be honest, you're probably going to share custody with him and, by default, her. She needs time to get ready to take care of a baby 20-50% of the time too. That is, if she stays.

 

For you... There are things to consider, namely, the above. She will share custody of this child, if she stays. Even if she doesn't stay, she can make your life difficult. I got a taste of that with my husband's BS when I was pregnant, even though they weren't together anymore, she filed motions to establish paternity, motions to share custody, motions to declare my income/assets as something she'd have access to because of the child's connection to her husband... If I remember right, she even wanted to establish that if my child inherited money and my husband was named as the person who handled the money (with or without me) until the child was of-age, that she'd have access to control of that money as well. She wanted access and disclosure on everything from what my husband could inherit on the death of our child to if our child got money how she'd get it divided to her. So be prepared.

 

That all being said, handle this sooner, not later. It gets a lot harder, a lot more complicated later.

I disagree! As soon as the baby is born all she has to do is file for child support through the ORS. The ORS will send him paperwork to take a DNA test and then he's obligated to pay for the baby. His wife will find out through the paper work. She needs to focus on being healthy right now. How's the added drama and stress going to help her pregnancy? Making sure the baby is healthy should be #1.

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I disagree! As soon as the baby is born all she has to do is file for child support through the ORS. The ORS will send him paperwork to take a DNA test and then he's obligated to pay for the baby. His wife will find out through the paper work. She needs to focus on being healthy right now. How's the added drama and stress going to help her pregnancy? Making sure the baby is healthy should be #1.

 

I'm not sure where the OP is located...but in many places, simply naming him on the birth certificate as the father is where she can start on getting child support. Then, if he fights it, a DNA test can be done. But it might not be required if he doesn't deny it.

 

I personally like the idea of having an attorney contact MM and his wife, informing them of OP's intent to claim child support and to discuss the terms of the support, and the level of interaction that MM intends to have with the child.

 

If his wife doesn't believe that MM is indeed the father (because MM throws the OP under the bus), then a DNA test would be simple proof.

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cozycottagelg
I'm not sure where the OP is located...but in many places, simply naming him on the birth certificate as the father is where she can start on getting child support. Then, if he fights it, a DNA test can be done. But it might not be required if he doesn't deny it.

 

I personally like the idea of having an attorney contact MM and his wife, informing them of OP's intent to claim child support and to discuss the terms of the support, and the level of interaction that MM intends to have with the child.

 

If his wife doesn't believe that MM is indeed the father (because MM throws the OP under the bus), then a DNA test would be simple proof.

 

I agree with this. If a lawyer makes the call, it will look professional and business like. If she does, he could make her look crazy, like he made a simple mistake and she kept the baby..blah blah blah.

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Thanks for all your replies, there's a lot to think about.

 

I am in the uk, and I believe from the research I have done that I can apply through a government agency for support once baby is born and it is not required that he be on the birth certificate, they will ask for a DNA test if he denies parentage.

 

I would prefer to make an amicable arrangement with him but I have that legal recourse if necessary.

 

The health of me and baby is my main focus so right now I will try to get it through to him that it's not going to work for him to not face up to having to tell her, but I won't make threats or argue about it. I will find out all my options legally and work out what is best to do.

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HeartbrokenNewbie

I have been in this situation before and I told her... not to cause trouble but because I knew he wouldnt tell her and she had a right to know (they had a daughter themselves so they would be half siblings)... all I got back was "I dont care, I love him as much today as I did the day I married him" ... they are now divorced, she has a new partner and is much happier and he has gone on to have 4 other children with different mothers ! x

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Hello myname,

 

 

Firstly, I just wanted to say that while being a single parent may not be everyone's idea of the ideal situation, I hope you aren't viewing it through fear and dread. Many a happy, healthy, successful child has been raised by a strong single Mom, and there's no reason on earth why this can't be the scenario in your future, as well. I'm not advocating for this over a 2 parent household, I'm simply saying that many circumstances lead to a single parent home that are not born of a "scarlet letter", and yet those Mom's carry on with raising children in circumstances that are no less healthy and wonderful than their dual parent counterparts. Keep your head high and your priorities with your child, and f#ck anyone who tries to make you feel less than the Mom you're going to be, or who undermines the choices you make along the way. You'll be making decisions constantly. Get used to making decisions that work for you and your child first. Add others to the equation only after you're certain others will be involved.

 

 

As for the MM and BS... it's just my opinion, and probably not a popular one, but since MM has chosen, for many months now, to stick his head in the proverbial sand... let those who care about you give you strength and guidance, and let a lawyer deal with the married couple as appropriate. MM has a responsibility to do whatever married people do under these circumstances (tell his wife, deny, hide like a little boy, whatever...) but you are under no obligation whatsoever to take on the responsibility of figuring out if, when, where or how to involve or tell BS. In my not so humble opinion, that falls squarely on the shoulders of MM, and absolutely isn't your burden to carry! Frankly, since his concerns appear to be solely focused on himself, as opposed to your ongoing health and the arrival of the baby, I wouldn't spend a NY minute thinking/worrying about him... at all. Right now he's a sperm donor. It's up to him to change that.

 

 

Once your little one is born, things will begin to take shape regarding the role MM will or won't play in the baby's life. Don't try to determine that now. You can "what if" it to death and still not really know until that time arrives. In no way am I saying you should be adversarial with him (them), or attempt to close him off, or cause problems, but this isn't about THEM right now... not in your household, anyway. Your responsibilities lie (sp) with taking care of your health, preparing for the arrival of your child, and doing all you can to be ready to take this journey alone, should that be the ultimate outcome. Know you'll be just fine... I'm certain of it! HUGS to you!

 

 

Sorry this is so long.

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Wish you and baby are healthy and well. I'm glad to know that you already have a general idea about the child support. You do sound very calm.

 

It's really up to you whether to approach him or his wife, but I think it's better that you do it after giving birth. So by that you may avoid any unwanted situation that can upset you and at the same time focus on the pregnancy and other positive things like family and friends.

Be happy and cherish this moment.

 

Heartbroken; You did the responsible thing, congrats. What she said was perhaps just an emotional reaction. At last she was able to make a decision based on the truth that she has. It's your contribution and I hope you'll be repaid in goodness.

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Anne Boleyn
I disagree! As soon as the baby is born all she has to do is file for child support through the ORS. The ORS will send him paperwork to take a DNA test and then he's obligated to pay for the baby. His wife will find out through the paper work.

 

That is certainly not universal, at all, especially if there is somebody contesting child support. There is this big misnomer that when you have a baby, all you have to do is wander to the court, fill out some paperwork, and voila, you get money.

 

Having done all of this myself with our child, in a situation where the father wasn't contesting anything, I still had to go to court to file, I had to appear before a mediator three times, a judge twice... And anytime you go to court, mediation, or before a judge, you can't bring the child with you. It's much simpler to do it while pregnant when you don't have to worry about daycare or babysitters or how much sleep you got the night before or how long it'll take because you need to pump and all the associated fun that having a newborn brings. I had help and setting up times to get out of the house and do this stuff without the baby... It's hard. Really, really hard. As a single parent it's that much harder.

 

Is it going to be easy now? No, but it's not going to be easier after the baby is born, when she is recuperating from birth (which is a lot harder than being pregnant) and trying to manage an infant on her own.

 

And there is no getting around the fact that the longer that you wait, the harder you make it on yourself. Again, labor is expensive, it's best to get that tied up along with what his obligations to her are financially during the pregnancy than doing it retroactively. Honestly, there is no real reason to wait, and much to gain by acting now. Heck, in some areas (like mine), you can't even get social assistance (food stamps, WIC) unless you've proven you've established paternity and taken steps to collect support when you know who and where the father is.

 

She needs to focus on being healthy right now. How's the added drama and stress going to help her pregnancy? Making sure the baby is healthy should be #1.

 

Pregnancy is not an automatic fragile condition. Women work while pregnant, raise kids while pregnant, and have worries and stresses while pregnant... None of these things are a disaster and barring extreme circumstances not anything that will impact a pregnancy negatively. In fact, I know a lady who ran a 10k on Sat and then a half marathon on Sunday at 7 months pregnant. Having a baby and being pregnant happens pretty much on it's own, totally naturally. The OP is in the late 2nd trimester, the time where you arguably feel the best during the pregnancy, so now is the time to act. The Victorian notion that pregnant women are too fragile for anything besides laying in bed and watching TV is a thing of the past.

 

If she's having complications and stress could be an issue to her health or safety, then she needs to make double sure to get her booty to court so that he doesn't exercise medical control over the child in a situation where she's incapacitated... Something that's in his right to do on behalf of his child. Last thing she wants is to have something like placenta prev and wake up to find that he chose to allow the child to die, which would be against her wishes. Awful, yes, but it was just all over the news about how this very thing happened to some poor woman and it was even the basis for a "Law and Order" episode. By doing nothing, you lose so much control over the situation, the risks far outweigh the benefits to waiting.

 

In the end, if it's too stressful for a pregnant woman to handle, it's not going to be any less stressful or easier to manage with an infant you're caring for on your own. And the damage of having a period of no financial support while you have a child with immediate expenses, it can ruin everything from your credit to your living situation, even impact your job, how long you can go on maternity leave, and ultimately how much time, attention, and care you give your newborn. It's not any harder to go pregnant to court to advocate the rights of your child than it is to give your infant a kiss on the head as, at a month, two months, or probably less old, you give them to somebody else to care for so you can go to court for the afternoon, fight it out, then come home and try to be a productive parent. Alone.

 

And, to be frank, the stress of custody battles while pregnant is going to have a far less profound effect on the health of her and her baby than saying "Yeah, I'm pregnant and in labor, but I don't have insurance and/or I'm not sure how I'm going to afford this."

 

Pregnant ladies have no reason to retire to lily pads until the baby is born, and in situations like this, the sooner they get all of this settled, the better for the child, the better it looks in court, and the better the chance of having real support and custody issues solved before the baby is born, the faster it's settled overall. When you don't start settling this at the earliest possible time, the first question the court asks you is "why?" In a civil or family law case, that's not a question you want to be asked. And in a situation where, if the stress is too much, you can halt everything until you're able to proceed, and you can do so with the blessing (and supervision) of the court without prejudice or fear of losing entitlements, like you would delaying filing to begin with.

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EasternStandard
Thank you for your replies, it seems that so far telling his wife is the better thing to do than not.

 

If I were to tell, as I believe he will not then it would have to be me, then what in your opinion would be the best way to do this?

 

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

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What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

Why does it matter what she's looking to gain, if anything? Maybe she's doing it because she realizes its the right thing to do, unlike you and your AP. I hope for your wife's sake she finds out so she can have a choice as to whether she wants to stay married to you and be connected to another child that isn't hers from an affair for 18+ years and that she finds out how parts of her marital assets/money is being used without her knowledge. The BS deserves to know that their WS has not only cheated but is fathering a child outside of their marriage.

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EasternStandard
Why does it matter what she's looking to gain, if anything? Maybe she's doing it because she realizes its the right thing to do, unlike you and your AP. I hope for your wife's sake she finds out so she can have a choice as to whether she wants to stay married to you and be connected to another child that isn't hers from an affair for 18+ years and that she finds out how parts of her marital assets/money is being used without her knowledge. The BS deserves to know that their WS has not only cheated but is fathering a child outside of their marriage.

 

Of course it matters what she is looking to gain. Her actions, might backfire on her. The right thing to do? Please.

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Of course it matters what she is looking to gain. Her actions, might backfire on her. The right thing to do? Please.

 

No, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that all parties are aware of what is happening in their lives especially when there is an "other child" involved. I understand the concept of honesty, doing the right thing and being faithful is hard for you to understand at the moment but yes, it is the right thing to do. Have a good one!

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