peaksandvalleys Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 I thought this was a place with people to be open to each other? I was looking to give support and get support from other people in the forum. Not sure why people are being so negative to me. I suspect it has something to do with the dismissive way you spoke of the OP motives. You know the "please" and all. People tend to return what they have received here I notice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 12, 2014 Share Posted March 12, 2014 I thought this was a place with people to be open to each other? I was looking to give support and get support from other people in the forum. Not sure why people are being so negative to me. why are people being so negative to you???? lets think..................could it be that you will basically hide your child so your BW doesn't know. you may be able to provide financially but how much will you really be there. this is an all in or all out situation. all in, i will support financially and emotionally my child, (doesnt mean you have to be with the childs mother, but definately means your wife needs to know there is a child), introduce your child to you family, let them know their relatives. be part of your family, take your child places, teach them things, be proud to be his/her father all out, don't do anything, do show up when you feel like, don't only visit the child in the home, afraid to take them out becasue someone might see you, dont send a birthday card or a christmas card unsigned. don't make it obvious your child is hidden from the world. a child can have a healthy, happy life being raised by 2 parents in seperate homes, but i don't see a happy future for a child raised by 1 parent in their home with another parent who pops in for a visit every now and then, and wants the child to remain a secret. step up and be a father, a real man, this pu**y footin around "i'll provide financially" bullshi* line is rediculous. and sorry, to the OP, tell the BW, she needs to know, and for your childs sake, it'll make his father either step up, or step back, theres no middle ground here. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author myname Posted March 13, 2014 Author Share Posted March 13, 2014 Thanks for all the replies. My only real interest and consideration on this issue is what is best for the child. Obviously I sometimes feel hurt and angry by how MM is behaving but that is not going to be what I react from. I am coming to the conclusion from recent behaviour by MM, mainly arranging to see me to sort this stuff out and then cancelling last minute with crap excuses, that he is not putting the welfare of the child first and is likely to behave in ways that are upsetting and confusing to the child if I were to let him. So I am psyching myself up to cut him off as far as contact with the child is concerned, this is not an easy decision because I think the child has a right to know it's father but I am being shown by him that he is likely to be damaging. I will still claim for financial support, in the uk these are treated totally separately and it will be a struggle as a single mother. I can go through an agency so no need to talk to him and he would need to take me to court separately to get access and visitation rights. I doubt he will bother. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted March 14, 2014 Share Posted March 14, 2014 Love how MM believe that (female o_o'') affair partners can't become pregnant. And yeah, if it remains a secret, you'll be able to count the seconds on only one hand how long it will take him to take flight and as far away as he can, so don't be surprised if a few weeks before birth the communication drops. Welfare of the child? I believe the only time he'd gladly support you is if you went for an abortion. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) Originally Posted by EasternStandard I was looking to give support and get support from other people in the forum. Not sure why people are being so negative to me. Well, no one is being so negative to you. They are just not "agreeing" with you. There is a difference. Probably because they think lying, cheating and stealing (marital funds that will go to CS unknowingly, and yes it is marital funds even if it comes out of your paycheck) Lying, Cheating, and Stealing. Why do we think these things are bad? Because they hurt others, or because we would not want people to do them to us, because they cause more problems than they solve. It also shows that you are weak, too scared to be honest and tell the truth to your wife. Telling the truth shows you are strong enough to face the consequences of your actions. That is what people respect. Yes, every one makes mistakes and poor choices, it's manning up to them and how they effect others. Edited March 15, 2014 by Ruffian1 add 2 Link to post Share on other sites
peaksandvalleys Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 NO! His wife is for shore his business not yours. And i dont think there is a real good reason for you to inform her. He told you he will be involve just like he told you all the other stuff to keep a affair with you, so how he does it is not your problem. You cheated with him so your focus should be on him taking care of his responsibility. She has made her choice. But your advice is not good advice for the child or the wife. No child should be a secret. Ever. Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 NO! His wife is for shore his business not yours. And i dont think there is a real good reason for you to inform her. He told you he will be involve just like he told you all the other stuff to keep a affair with you, so how he does it is not your problem. You cheated with him so your focus should be on him taking care of his responsibility. I think a "good reason" to tell is there's a child involved. It will be impossible for him to be there for his child while hiding him/her from his wife and family. Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 well who said he would be there anyway? i think he thinks saving his marriage is more important. and see OP as a trouble maker. How could he be there? How many OW are upset because their MM can't spend special holidays with them How is this MM Gokmg to spend time with his child?? Will he go to the child's sports? Will he even be there whe. The baby is born? You can't hide a child and still be there as a parent. Although the fact of trying to hide a child doesn't say much about his parenting skills anyway. Maybe he should've thought about his marriage being more important before having sex with his OW and getting her pregnant. Maybe it should've been important enough to wear a condom. The only thing he needs to see his OW as is the mother of his child. Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 OP - You should tell his BS. She will find out anyway and it is best that she finds out now so that she can grieve and start to heal. Also, the sooner she starts to heal, the sooner that she can begin to think rationally. As hurt as I would be over an OC, I would want my children to know and to have a relationship with their half sibling. I can tell you that I would not have felt this way right after d-day, but I am almost 3 years out and can start to think more rationally. Please tell her before the baby is born. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Not being harsh but thats what she signed up for sadly enough. Because no one was thinking about the child by having a affair. And my advice is to her not to the child. To the child i would say your mom made bad choices. That effected you some how. But you could contact your dad when you are older. Because i dont think this men by telling his wife will spent alot or more time with the kid anyway. because his marriage will still his number one. And a child disturb his affair and selfish plans. Wow. Really? I side with Peaks on this one. That is all. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts