Would a bs want to know about a pregnancy?

[wanting more]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

I'm sure your child will thank you later in life for keeping her/him a secret. WTF. I don't even understand how that's a possibility. A secret?? Really.

[violet1]

That is certainly not universal, at all, especially if there is somebody contesting child support. There is this big misnomer that when you have a baby, all you have to do is wander to the court, fill out some paperwork, and voila, you get money.

 

Having done all of this myself with our child, in a situation where the father wasn't contesting anything, I still had to go to court to file, I had to appear before a mediator three times, a judge twice... And anytime you go to court, mediation, or before a judge, you can't bring the child with you. It's much simpler to do it while pregnant when you don't have to worry about daycare or babysitters or how much sleep you got the night before or how long it'll take because you need to pump and all the associated fun that having a newborn brings. I had help and setting up times to get out of the house and do this stuff without the baby... It's hard. Really, really hard. As a single parent it's that much harder.

 

Is it going to be easy now? No, but it's not going to be easier after the baby is born, when she is recuperating from birth (which is a lot harder than being pregnant) and trying to manage an infant on her own.

 

And there is no getting around the fact that the longer that you wait, the harder you make it on yourself. Again, labor is expensive, it's best to get that tied up along with what his obligations to her are financially during the pregnancy than doing it retroactively. Honestly, there is no real reason to wait, and much to gain by acting now. Heck, in some areas (like mine), you can't even get social assistance (food stamps, WIC) unless you've proven you've established paternity and taken steps to collect support when you know who and where the father is.

 

 

 

Pregnancy is not an automatic fragile condition. Women work while pregnant, raise kids while pregnant, and have worries and stresses while pregnant... None of these things are a disaster and barring extreme circumstances not anything that will impact a pregnancy negatively. In fact, I know a lady who ran a 10k on Sat and then a half marathon on Sunday at 7 months pregnant. Having a baby and being pregnant happens pretty much on it's own, totally naturally. The OP is in the late 2nd trimester, the time where you arguably feel the best during the pregnancy, so now is the time to act. The Victorian notion that pregnant women are too fragile for anything besides laying in bed and watching TV is a thing of the past.

 

If she's having complications and stress could be an issue to her health or safety, then she needs to make double sure to get her booty to court so that he doesn't exercise medical control over the child in a situation where she's incapacitated... Something that's in his right to do on behalf of his child. Last thing she wants is to have something like placenta prev and wake up to find that he chose to allow the child to die, which would be against her wishes. Awful, yes, but it was just all over the news about how this very thing happened to some poor woman and it was even the basis for a "Law and Order" episode. By doing nothing, you lose so much control over the situation, the risks far outweigh the benefits to waiting.

 

In the end, if it's too stressful for a pregnant woman to handle, it's not going to be any less stressful or easier to manage with an infant you're caring for on your own. And the damage of having a period of no financial support while you have a child with immediate expenses, it can ruin everything from your credit to your living situation, even impact your job, how long you can go on maternity leave, and ultimately how much time, attention, and care you give your newborn. It's not any harder to go pregnant to court to advocate the rights of your child than it is to give your infant a kiss on the head as, at a month, two months, or probably less old, you give them to somebody else to care for so you can go to court for the afternoon, fight it out, then come home and try to be a productive parent. Alone.

 

And, to be frank, the stress of custody battles while pregnant is going to have a far less profound effect on the health of her and her baby than saying "Yeah, I'm pregnant and in labor, but I don't have insurance and/or I'm not sure how I'm going to afford this."

 

Pregnant ladies have no reason to retire to lily pads until the baby is born, and in situations like this, the sooner they get all of this settled, the better for the child, the better it looks in court, and the better the chance of having real support and custody issues solved before the baby is born, the faster it's settled overall. When you don't start settling this at the earliest possible time, the first question the court asks you is "why?" In a civil or family law case, that's not a question you want to be asked. And in a situation where, if the stress is too much, you can halt everything until you're able to proceed, and you can do so with the blessing (and supervision) of the court without prejudice or fear of losing entitlements, like you would delaying filing to begin with.

Okay let's just agree to disagree. I've been through two separate custody cases with my husband. He has two children from two separate mothers. One from his ex wife and one he didn't know about until the child was over 4 years old. In the case with the child he didn't know about, she filed paperwork and received money immediately after paternity was established. She fought everything on visitation so that took a lot longer to deal with. However, determining the amount of child support owed was a pretty quick done deal.

 

I'm not sure how it all works in the UK, but I don't think it will matter if she waits till the baby is born. I do think the wife should know, but it's not the OP's obligation to tell her. She needs to take steps that she feels is right for her and the baby.

[violet1]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

How do you plan to keep it a secret? Is your W not going to notice missing funds?

[TAV]

I'm sure your child will thank you later in life for keeping her/him a secret. WTF. I don't even understand how that's a possibility. A secret?? Really.

 

No child should be kept a secret! Why not just tell it then right away that it is not wanted, that it is worthless and should never have been born to begin with. You are a poor excuse for a man, putting yourself before anyone else, including a helpless child. And you are clearly not fit to be a father.

[FoolishOW]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

 

I apologize, but I couldn't help but laugh when I read this, and frankly, I shouldn't laugh at all... This "decision" is pathetic and beyond despicable. "Yes, by all means, lets keep this child a secret in order to cover up the previous pathetic and despicable decisions you've made". Seriously? This sounds like a well thought out plan to you? I'm going to assume this post was written for the purpose of getting a rise out of readers because it doesn't seem possible that anyone (let alone both of you) would find this to be a viable option, much less an acceptable one.

 

 

If, on the odd chance that this is genuine information, I pity the adults involved when your wife eventually finds out, and make no mistake... she will find out. God forbid the child ever become aware of this.

[A.Moscote]

ES, congrats on making your BW living the paradise of blissful ignorant. Now why don't you make a complete Truman Show out of her.

[Anne Boleyn]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

Again, when somebody says "I will be supportive financially and involved as much as I can," I hear "I will do whatever amount I can do that keeps me from having to disrupt my life and protect my own butt."

 

Now we have a child with a minimal investment from the father, and either the mother has to pick up the slack, or this child just doesn't get a fair shake. Think if she went into this with the same "as involved as I can" attitude towards the child. Would this child have a fair start at life? No.

 

Let's face it, the only reason you have the wiggle room you have of "as much as I can" is because you expect her to carry the burden of this child.

 

When it comes to telling the BS about an affair, I can see why people would or wouldn't tell her, either before or after DDay, while the affair is going or after it's resolved. Right or wrong, that's the choice of the people in the affair to justify reasonably or not to themselves.

 

But when a child is added to the mix? Sorry. All cards have to come out on the table then. It's about the child and what's best for the child, what makes sure the child gets a fair start in life, a stable financial and personal upbringing. It's not about covering your butt, it's not about keeping the child a secret so as to not have to deal with the repercussions of the A with your BS, it's not about pushing the entire burden of the affair, the child, and the resulting lifestyle change on your OW so that you can maintain your lifestyle and not have your marital boat rocked. Time to come clean, take care of the child, put your needs behind that of the child you created, and make sure that this is a child with a stable background, who has a sense of self, identity, and self-worth. Not a child who has to grow up thinking they're the dirty, ashamed secret of their father who never quite loved them enough to admit they had them.

 

And realistically and logistically, if this woman lives near you (a logical explanation), you could have a child that's a peer to your other children, now or later. If you keep it a secret, that means that child will actively have to lie about knowing you're their father. You want a child to publicly lie about your being their parent? Or do you plan on never having school functions you attend with any children, or shuttling the child off to another school? If you run into each other out in the real world, do you honestly expect that this small child won't yell "Daddy!" and come running to see you? You think it's easier to explain a relationship you've had with a child you've known about but said nothing about to your wife for years on end than it is to start of by being honest from the start?

 

You are taking the luxury of covering yourself and leaving the child and the woman out to hang. That's not acceptable or reasonable. Even without having to factor in the BS aspect.

[goodyblue]

I'm not sure where the OP is located...but in many places, simply naming him on the birth certificate as the father is where she can start on getting child support. Then, if he fights it, a DNA test can be done. But it might not be required if he doesn't deny it.

 

I personally like the idea of having an attorney contact MM and his wife, informing them of OP's intent to claim child support and to discuss the terms of the support, and the level of interaction that MM intends to have with the child.

 

If his wife doesn't believe that MM is indeed the father (because MM throws the OP under the bus), then a DNA test would be simple proof.

 

I don't know what the laws are in my current state, but I do know in the state where I used to live, even if you name someone on a birth certificate, that person must then sign it also, in acknowledgement, or it doesn't matter. The father's name won't be on the birth certificate unless you are married at the time of the birth, or the father signs his consent.

 

And ORS will go through and try to collect, but it does take time, and the payments only begin once paternity has been established and an order has been set. Any support before that time is simply lost.

 

I don't know when a good time to tell the wife would be. I can't think it would be a good time for her, ever.

[goodyblue]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

So really, you're just making sure that you ruin your child's emotional well being right from birth. How pathetic. I feel sorry for that poor baby.

 

For the record, I am one who generally doesn't believe in telling the BS, but in situations like this, it's absolutely necessary. And for you to take that upon yourself, your child's entire life being a lie... that's just ph*cked up.

[imperfectangel]

I'm in the uk too and unless you're married you can't put a mans name on the birth certificate unless he's there with you

[myname]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

I don't see how it will work in the best interests of the child if keeping it a secret from the wife is going to take precedence. That's why.

 

I am interested in how you think it will work out in your situation. Also is your OW in agreement with you about the secrecy?

 

It does come across that the potential for support is always going to be hampered by secrecy and basically if inconvenient there is likely to be no support and definitely no reliable support.

[rumbleseat]

The one who should take top priority in this situation is the baby, all too soon to be a child, teenager and adult who may become very inquisitive about where he/ she came from.

 

This child did nothing wrong. It is the only innocent party ( besides the bs) and deserves to feel loved and wanted, not hidden away like some deep dark shameful secret.

 

It's probably easier to hide the facts when a a child is little, but as they grow, they are likely going to ask questions. They have a right to know who their father is, and if they choose to seek him out, and he is still with his W and she doesn't know, just imagine how that can play out. Their father will have denied their existence for years to his W because it was " inconvenient" . How is that going to make them feel?

 

Better that the bs knows soon, that way, she can either make plans with her h for him to be a father or she can walk away. If they choose to R, after the initial shock wears off, she might be okay with being a step mom. One never knows.

 

As for the ow not telling the bs, that is hogwash. It may not be a pleasant task, but if he isn't going to do it, then she needs to , for the sake of her child. She did an adult thing and had sex, just as he is being expected to take responsibility, so must she. I don't envy her the position, but as the saying goes, if it's handled well, it can be one of those making lemons into lemonade situations.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

I am considering withdrawing completely which will mean him having no contact with his child.

 

 

If you do the above will you still tell his wife about the baby?

[peaksandvalleys]

Of course it matters what she is looking to gain. Her actions, might backfire on her. The right thing to do? Please.

 

 

As long as she isn't using the same standard that you are using as the "right thing" she is probably going to be just fine.

[peaksandvalleys]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

 

Maybe she is looking to gain her child not living as someone's dark secret. Maybe she feels like as a parent her child deserves more than to be hidden to protect others lies.

[FoolishOW]

Myname.. I'm not sure if you're in the US or not, but if so, MM has legal rights that protect him as the father, so it really isn't your call as to whether he'll have contact with the little one. He sounds like a certifiable d-bag, so it wouldn't be too surprising if he didn't pursue or follow through on those rights, but as each step of the process evolves, from delivery and beyond, there are laws and agencies involved to protect the rights of everyone involved... you, the child, and the father.

 

 

It actually isn't your choice as to whether he's required to pay financial support for the child, either. That's mandated by the courts to protect the rights of the child, and the amount is pretty straight forward based on income. If he ignores it, it continues to accrue, and other things become attached to it... tax returns, wages, credit scores, etc., so even the decision about financial support isn't yours. This protects the child against a mother's decision not to pursue child support, regardless of the reason.

 

 

I stand by my opinion that you have no obligation to involve yourself with the BS, but I see you've gotten many opinions. Having no negative feelings or thoughts towards BS at all, I still maintain that the only thing that connects you to her is her husband.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

What are you looking to gain by telling his wife? I am in a similar situation except I am the MM. My wife doesn't know. My OW and I have talked it over we are keeping it a secret. I will be supportive financially and as much involved as I can.

 

You must be kidding me...

 

Let me guess...you BW probably does the lions share of child rearing at home too? While youre out cheating. Niiiiice.

 

Well heres an interesting fact for you...mature, responsible and loving parents put their own childs best interests before their own. Your wife knows this. And you may have your OW compliant for now, but once that baby comes...shes going to figure it out too...and will be appalled by your wanting to keep your own flesh and blood a dirty little secret. Shame on you.

 

Truly. Shame.

[EasternStandard]

How do you plan to keep it a secret? Is your W not going to notice missing funds?

 

She won't notice. She doesn't balance the check book and doesn't know how much funds are there to begin with. We are not rich, but we are well off and don't live the pampered life. I make a good income and had a insurance policy that was collected when my first wife died of cancer.

[EasternStandard]

You must be kidding me...

 

Let me guess...you BW probably does the lions share of child rearing at home too? While youre out cheating. Niiiiice.

 

Well heres an interesting fact for you...mature, responsible and loving parents put their own childs best interests before their own. Your wife knows this. And you may have your OW compliant for now, but once that baby comes...shes going to figure it out too...and will be appalled by your wanting to keep your own flesh and blood a dirty little secret. Shame on you.

 

Truly. Shame.

 

I thought this was a place with people to be open to each other? I was looking to give support and get support from other people in the forum. Not sure why people are being so negative to me.

[KaliLove]

I thought this was a place with people to be open to each other? I was looking to give support and get support from other people in the forum. Not sure why people are being so negative to me.

 

Yes..and in your case, support constitutes telling you that you're behaving like a complete jackass. Which you are.

[whichwayisup]

Some are more blunt than others. Some are rude. There are enablers, hand holders, tough love that's given respectfully etc.etc.. Though I think most on here can agree that what you are doing to your wife by hiding this is not right and eventually the truth will come out. You hiding the fact you have a child with someone else and you want to stay married, keeping this secret from your wife and family IS what rubs people the wrong way. LS is an honest place, tough at times too and you will get support but not too many are going to encourage you to keep hiding, deceiving, lying to your wife, betraying her in the worst way. What you're doing is intentional and cruel... One day this will come back and bite you, then you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

[gettingstronger]

What seems to get lost is not what's best for the mm , the op or the bs but what's best for the child. I don't believe the child should be a secret. That not fair to the child. Yes, telling will have ramifications for the BS and she may be shattered but in the end I believe she will also see the unfairness of a child being a secret. Give the BS some credit and the opportunity to do right by the situation. How to tell? I have always believed you should give the spouse a chance to come clean first, if he does not, then I would wait until I have proof it's his child before disclosing. If this is truly about the child, make sure it's his first with no room for denial and then proceed.

[Hope Shimmers]

I haven't read all the posts so I don't know what else was said, but to answer the OP's question: She would probably want to know, but even if she didn't, she SHOULD know. By all means.

 

My exMM's wife would definitely not want to know. But my baby daughter died shortly after birth of prematurity (at 22 weeks; MM was the father) so she didn't have to know.

[WrinkledForehead]

I am of the mind that telling the BS is always unwarranted... Except in this situation. You don't sound vindictive but rather have the best interests of your child in mind.

 

Filing for paternity, ordering child support, and letting a lawyer handle the details are the best moves.

 

May I add, as a single mom, to never ever depend on that child support. Make sure that your personal financial situation is in check and if it's not, work your hardest to get it there.

 

My ex is $20,000 in arrears currently. I doubt I'll ever see a dime of it. I've considered it heavily and decided he's more use to me out of jail than in it, and the attempts I made earlier to inform the courts of nonpayment & any retribution were entirely fruitless. This isn't all cases, but steel yourself for the worst.

[rumbleseat]

I haven't read all the posts so I don't know what else was said, but to answer the OP's question: She would probably want to know, but even if she didn't, she SHOULD know. By all means.

 

My exMM's wife would definitely not want to know. But my baby daughter died shortly after birth of prematurity (at 22 weeks; MM was the father) so she didn't have to know.

 

I know this is off topic, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. Losing a child is a heart wrenching experience.