Want "my stuff" for my new place

[blacknoir]

So, I've been staying with family for a while, and I just yesterday found an apartment and will be moving in in a couple of weeks.

 

In my papers (which have not been signed by a judge yet, just given to her for review and her signature to speed things along without having to go to court), I asked for a *very* small subset of things, namely:

 

• The contents of my home office (desk, computer, bookshelf)
  

• The plasma TV and home theater equipment (there are 3 other TVs in the house, of varying sizes, etc. The TV and equipment that I'm asking for was in the "movie" room, and was not used for daily viewing)
  

 

That's it - *all* of the other household items stay there (furniture, linens, dishes, etc), as I don't want to suddenly leave a huge open room in the house that is visible every day (this is more for the kids, as I think it would traumatize them to an extent). I'm planning on buying all new furniture for my new place (bedroom, living room, kitchen, etc.).

 

I'm genuinely concerned that, since the papers are not "officially" signed off on, and we're not in an official period of separate maintenance and support (meaning, we still have the joint back account that she and I both use, I'm not paying her alimony/child support separately, I still pay all the bills, etc.), that she's going to not let me take the stuff that I've asked for.

 

Now, once the papers are signed by a judge, the stuff is mine (that is, if they are approved). However, I'm trying to move forward now, and really just want to get this over with and get them.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions on how to broach the subject with the minimum amount of static involved?

[carhill]

Question: Could you stop her from 'taking' all the money out of your joint bank account?

 

You might find your answer there. Not to mention my lawyer would probably shoot you for keeping a joint bank account during a divorce proceeding, presuming it has any money in it.

 

This presumes the divorce is contested, meaning a response to the lawsuit has been filed with the court, and things aren't amicable. If they were amicable, you wouldn't likely be posting this, as she'd be saying sure, take the home theater and home office stuff, or you'd just take it without issue. If things are amicable, no need for elaborate ideas. Just state things straight out, like you did here.

 

I dealt with this during our D and it felt wonderful to downsize. Win-win. Good luck!

[blacknoir]

Question: Could you stop her from 'taking' all the money out of your joint bank account?

 

You might find your answer there. Not to mention my lawyer would probably shoot you for keeping a joint bank account during a divorce proceeding, presuming it has any money in it.

 

This presumes the divorce is contested, meaning a response to the lawsuit has been filed with the court, and things aren't amicable. If they were amicable, you wouldn't likely be posting this, as she'd be saying sure, take the home theater and home office stuff, or you'd just take it without issue. If things are amicable, no need for elaborate ideas. Just state things straight out, like you did here.

 

I dealt with this during our D and it felt wonderful to downsize. Win-win. Good luck!

 

Honestly, I haven't asked her for the stuff yet, as I still have a couple of weeks until I move in. So, it's not contested at this point, and I'm trying to make this as amicable as possible.

 

Could I stop her? No. She has full access to the accounts. However, if she did that, I couldn't pay the house note. If I can't pay the house note, I lose my job (security clearance). If I lose my job, everything falls apart (badly).

 

I suggested a couple of weeks ago that she open up a separate bank account, that we split the money currently in checking/savings now, and that I move forward with paying her the amount that's indicated in the paperwork (plus I pay the house note). She turned that down. Our taxes were just filed, and we're going to split the return down the middle.

 

As I mentioned, I have only given *her* the paperwork (drawn up by my attorney), not filed it with the court (which then would give her 30 days to respond). So, legally she has not filed a response. Again, this goes to trying to keep it amicable and avoid the courts wherever possible. I don't want it to turn nasty, because that just means more money. I just want it to move forward.

 

However, my attorney and I have decided that if this "olive branch" of giving her the opportunity to make an amicable split does not work after a period of time, we will be filing the separation papers officially. If we go down that route, I will probably open up another account on my own and start transferring my paychecks, etc., into that. In that case, I have a feeling that I won't be seeing "my" stuff until after that is done.

[BeingMe]

I'm a bit confused...

 

So am I right in saying that your wife has not actually agreed to what you want to take, you've proposed this? I think you should ask your lawyer.

[blacknoir]

I'm a bit confused...

 

So am I right in saying that your wife has not actually agreed to what you want to take, you've proposed this? I think you should ask your lawyer.

 

So the lawyer and I drew up the paperwork. In the paperwork, there was a "list" of things that I want out of the D. Everything else is hers. We did not file the paperwork with the court (yet), as it's much easier (and cheaper) to simply go in front of a judge with both parties having signed the proposed agreement, rather than me filing, her having 30 days to respond/contest/etc....

 

I moved out. Took nothing when I did (except clothes), because I was temporarily staying with family until I could find my own place.

 

Now I've found my own place, and I want to come and get some of the stuff that's on the "list" (my office, TV, home theater equipment).

 

I'm thinking of just coming out and asking her "hey, I want the stuff on my list - do you have a problem with that even though we don't have signed paperwork yet?" However, I'm not 100% sure that this won't unnecessarily cause more static.

 

Make more sense?

[carhill]

Here's how it would go in my jurisdiction:

 

Since there is no lawsuit, simply mediate this 'stuff' and resolve it prior to any official filings. In the court's eyes, it's largely irrelevant, otherwise known as 'personal property'. Hash it out with the mediator, prepare a conforming written settlement, sign off, file the lawsuit with the court, let the response period run with or without contest, file the settlement, go get your stuff. Problem solved. Even if there's a cooling off period, the settlement will still be valid; the documents will process when the cooling off period is over.

 

If you expect this to be contested and rancorous, disregard. However, if experience is any guide, if it were, that joint account would be cleaned out and your adversary couldn't care less about how such an act would impact your life, home, job, etc.

 

Mediation. Give it a try. Your lawyer, or the court, can recommend a mediator. In fact, if you haven't been there, go down to the courthouse and interact with their family law division and see what resources they have for you, if you want to save money and keep the court out of it as much as possible. Good luck.

[bubbaganoosh]

Ask. That's all you can do and if she says no then you have your answer.

 

You have a lawyer. You paid him/her to do your talking. If she refuses then you let the lawyer take over.

[trippi1432]

This presumes the divorce is contested, meaning a response to the lawsuit has been filed with the court, and things aren't amicable. If they were amicable, you wouldn't likely be posting this, as she'd be saying sure, take the home theater and home office stuff, or you'd just take it without issue. If things are amicable, no need for elaborate ideas. Just state things straight out, like you did here.

 

I agree with this, there is more to this story, but keeping a joint bank account is very risky in the situation you are in. The only thing you can do is ask....any advice you get here is without the full story of why you even feel you need to pay the bills after you left. My step father left his cheating wife to follow the love of his life....he paid her (Cheating wife) bills for 3 years. One day I asked him why do you still do this...she moved a man in the day you left, time for her to move on without your support and time for you to love without guilt. He and my mother have been married 17 years.

 

Reading your other posts and how you have been devastated, I won't give you the same treatment I give women on this forum, understandably you are trying to heal your heart and you just want what little bit of comfort that is due you. Just ask...the only other thing you can do is go to mediation..and if she knows..that won't fair well for you of course. My exH didn't even get the lawn mower I bought or the pressure washer, he showed his hand and didn't have a lawyer. Be careful how you set yourself up...if it's not amicable..she knows...if you are trying to keep up the farce...she doesn't know. It's a really hard game and I do feel for you plight.

[blacknoir]

I agree with this, there is more to this story, but keeping a joint bank account is very risky in the situation you are in. The only thing you can do is ask....any advice you get here is without the full story of why you even feel you need to pay the bills after you left. My step father left his cheating wife to follow the love of his life....he paid her (Cheating wife) bills for 3 years. One day I asked him why do you still do this...she moved a man in the day you left, time for her to move on without your support and time for you to love without guilt. He and my mother have been married 17 years.

 

Reading your other posts and how you have been devastated, I won't give you the same treatment I give women on this forum, understandably you are trying to heal your heart and you just want what little bit of comfort that is due you. Just ask...the only other thing you can do is go to mediation..and if she knows..that won't fair well for you of course. My exH didn't even get the lawn mower I bought or the pressure washer, he showed his hand and didn't have a lawyer. Be careful how you set yourself up...if it's not amicable..she knows...if you are trying to keep up the farce...she doesn't know. It's a really hard game and I do feel for you plight.

 

Trippi,

 

Thanks for not unloading on me.

 

The full and complete story is, quite simply, my natural feelings of obligation to continue to support my children financially and emotionally. They are not at fault here - we (H and W) are. I was the one who left, and I was (am) the major breadwinner. Turning "off" that spigot without anything official just seems....I don't know, it just seems wrong to me.

 

I know that I'll have to pay child support and alimony. That's the "price" to pay for ending/leaving the M. As for her emptying the bank accounts? If she were to do that today, what would that serve?

 

1. She'd get about $6-7k
   
2. I would stop payment on all of the pending bills
   
3. I would open a new checking account tomorrow
   
4. I'd borrow a couple grand float money from my dad
   
5. I would deposit my paychecks this month into the new bank account
   
6. I'd tranfer all utilities into her name immediately
   
7. I'd pay the house note on time next month
   

Quite honestly, nothing tremendously lost there on my part, except that she has completely screwed up and put our kids into a very bad situation. I just don't see it happening....

 

We had a conversation about bills a couple of weeks after I left (when I gave her the proposal). Although I will continue to pay the house note (which eventually is to be taken out of alimony), she will be (ultimately) responsible for all utilities/etc.. I guess I just felt out of that same sense of obligation that until the paperwork was signed, I'd just continue to pay the bills out of the joint bank account.

 

I'm going to ask her for the things (amicably) next weekend (which is when I move into the new place). If she says no, then the legal paperwork is already set in motion to be filed (as she hasn't signed the proposal yet), and I don't think that the judge will have too much of an issue with me getting a TV and my home office/computer out of the entire house's contents.

[Mystery2Me]

Sorry that you and your family are going thru this. I hope that once all the logistics are sorted the healing process will continue smootly.

 

Now...about your question. You seem to be caught up in a circular process, becasue it appears you have already requested the items via the detailed list developed by your lawyer. So the real issue is she has not responded and you are ready to move out....the rub is that legally she stilll has some time left on the resposne clock.

 

My advise is to take the "must-haves" so you can maintain your job...yep the office contents. The other comfort things.....worry about those material items "if" she does not respond by the alotted time.

 

I understand you are doing the stand-up thing here, as you indicated this was your idea rather than her's to divorce.....but that also means you are farther down the road to accepting that change is happening.

 

Additionally if she is the primary child care giver (even if you disagree with her approach)....well you know dealing with the children's needs post-separation must be difficult.

 

Also you must also consider that she like you has the right/ability to effect how this change occurs....even if you do not agree with it. Sounds like you want it over ASAP without what "you" consider conflict.....but her definition of ASAP and conflict maybe very different than yours.

 

Good luck

 

~Mystery

Edited March 4, 2014 by Mystery2Me