Boyfriend needs 2-3 nights apart per week

[mandysask]

My boyfriend of 2.5 years says he needs 2-3 nights (minimum) per week "off" from spending time together. He spends our 2-3 nights apart either alone or drinking with his guy friends. He claims he is very happy in the relationship but he just needs the balance and needs alone time because he is introverted. I am introverted too and appreciate my alone time (maybe 1-2 days per week) but I find that this 3 day per week relationship isn't meeting my needs.

 

I know that if I'm not having my needs met I should (and will, and have) speak up, try to come up with a compromise, or if that fails then I will leave. But the reason I am writing is to find out if it is normal or if anyone else can relate to this - male or female from either perspective. In my mind it may mean I'm just not the right person for him but he says he has never felt so strongly about wanting to stay in a relationship with anyone before me. He assures me that he wouldn't want to spend any more time with anyone else.

 

I'm not sure I can adjust or adapt to his needs but I am willing to try if I think that what he needs isn't an indication that we aren't the right people for one another. Maybe this is healthy but I am having a hard time accepting it because it isn't the "norm", at least in my circles.

 

Other than that problem we have great times together, are very loving an affectionate, and have a lot in common. We are good friends. Also - even when spending time apart he does keep in touch and is always expressing his love. He always lets me know where he is and calls or texts me before he goes to sleep.

 

We are both 32.

 

Thanks!

[Arabella]

I'm not sure what's the problem. He wants 2-3 nights to himself... out of 7, and you think this is unreasonable?

 

I consider myself "high maintenance" in the sense that I like to spend lots of time with my partner, and I STILL think that 2-3 nights a week to himself sounds perfectly reasonable. At least for someone who is your boyfriend (not your husband) and you don't live with.

 

If the relationship isn't meeting your needs, then talk to him, and tell him what your expectations are. If you can't find a middle ground you both are happy with, then leave.

[writergal]

My experience with men who say they need space is that they're either getting ready to break up with me (or hoping I'll break up with them), or they are cheating on me.

 

I don't think men ask for space if they truly need it because they get their "space" from their extracurricular hobbies.

 

So it's a huge red flag when a man asks his girlfriend/wife for space. He's either afraid that he's losing himself in the relationship (i.e. being smothered), he wants to break up, he's dating someone else (cheating), or he's not sure what he wants from the relationship anymore.

 

If I were you, I'd tell him that his need for space gives you pause and you'd like to know what he really means by it, especially since it's not something you've experience in your previous romantic relationships. If he accuses you of being paranoid or insecure then you have your answer: he's not that into you anymore and wants out of the relationship.

[melell]

Honestly, this would kind of bum me out... In my past relationships 'guy' time was something that happened pretty naturally. Actually all his friends became my friends too. So whether I was there or not they would still have the guy time- it was never expected that I would be gone.

 

Same goes for alone time. It was never a set amount of time, just as required. But I do get that some people require this more than others.

 

I feel like 'introverted' gets thrown around a lot on ls, it is hard for me to be someone who is consistently social as an introvert.

 

What you are describing isn't the norm, I think for most people the relationship would have progressed to living together etc by 2.5 years.

 

But it really comes down to what you want for yourself, do you want to be in a full-time committed relationship? Based on how things have progressed so far, how do you see the next 2.5 years being?

 

Look at it as logically as possible.

[newmoon]

you have to look at the whole picture; has he always wanted time alone or is this a recent development? it's natural to want to spend a lot of time with your new partner - initially - but as things progress you get more comfortable with them and feel better reverting back to your old habits and friends and spending less time nurturing the relationship. that's just the progression of things. as a female I appreciate as much alone time as I can get from a bf, even after years together. I would be careful about pushing him for more together time; every day seems highly unreasonable and would probably make him pretty defensive, especially if he want this time away. you might already be smothering him? it's not realistic to expect that your partner won't want time away and/or 'off' from you; perhaps cultivate some interests and hobbies away from him so his time off doesn't bug you. it shouldn't imo.

[ctxinfl]

I'm a guy that likes my space in relationships, though at most it's one night a week. Two to three seems excessive.

[J21]

I've been in happy relationships where I needed a few nights to myself. It's nothing against the other person, just how some people are wired.

 

I'm on the introvert side and sometimes I just want my own personal space to do my own thing.

 

It wasn't a bad thing, while I was doing my own thing, I'd miss my S/O a lot more and want to spend more time with her.

[mammasita]

This is odd to me. Obviously we only have a snapshot of the story, but for starters.....

 

You've been together for 2.5 years, is this a new requirement? you've been together this long your boundaries and preferences would have/should have been established.

 

Do you live together? Is he asking for his 2-3 nights away during "prime date nights" like Friday and Saturday?

 

There's a ton of ways this could go, but without the missing pieces I can only assume the worst.

[georgecostanza]

I'm a guy that likes my space in relationships, though at most it's one night a week. Two to three seems excessive.

 

To me one night a week to myself is not space, that's being completely smothered.

 

I don't think your boyfriend is being unreasonable, especially if you stay in touch when you aren't together. I wouldn't want to spend more than 4 nights a week with a girlfriend, maybe less. Even living with someone, I'd make an effort to get out and go the gym or see friends a few nights a week. It's nothing against my partner, and I'm not an introvert, I just need space. I'm fairly independent, I value my sense of self and friendships, I think it's important to be comfortable with yourself if you want to build a strong relationship - and I think it's something that can and will suffer if you spend too much time together.

[oldshirt]

What caused him to enact this 2-3 night off rule? Were you trying to see him every day?

 

 

The rational, analytical part of me wants to say that have 2-3 nights to yourself to maintain balance in life is not unreasonable.

 

 

However in practice I fear it may be a whole other thing. In my youth my first 'real' girlfriend started enacting a bunch of formal restrictions on how often I could call her and how many times a week I could try to see her and how many times a week we could go out etc etc.

 

 

......I complied and tried to meet her guidelines and that all lasted a week or two and then the rules became, "don't call me, I'll call you when I want to get together." That was the summer of 1982 and I'm still haven't got any calls from her yet. (actually that is an exaggeration. She did contact me in the winter of 1986 when she was having a lonely dry spell. She met her future husband a week or two later and I haven't heard from her since)

 

 

So I guess where I'm going with this is, his request is not unreasonable or anything terribly restrictive. The reality though is that it probably is a pretty good indicator of his level of investment into the future of the relationship.

 

 

I think the real-world practice of putting time restrictions on time together ends up becoming incrementally more restrictive as time goes on. In other words he wants 2-3 nights now. If in a few weeks it's a solid 3 nights and a couple weeks after that if it's 3-4 and then 4 and then 5 and so on, then you'll have your answer.

 

 

I can't help but thinking time restrictions is always a step backward in a relationship and pretty much never a step forward.

 

 

This isn't formal walking papers yet but start preparing yourself for this to go South pretty quickly.

[WP4046]

OP wants to be with her man every second she is awake so the relationship can go stale

[thegreatesthumphrey]

My first comment is this... If he is saying he needs 2-3 days to himself a week because he has an introverted personality, and he spends them drinking with his buddies... that is not the real reason. An introverted person that says they need their space for that particular reason will spend it alone.

 

Also, if you guys have been dating for 2.5 years and he is creating space between you, this is a relationship that is going no where. He does not see a future with you. Granted 2.5 years doesnt mean you should necessarily be living together or married, but a good relationship progressively brings the two people closer, not further apart.

[WP4046]

My first comment is this... If he is saying he needs 2-3 days to himself a week because he has an introverted personality, and he spends them drinking with his buddies... that is not the real reason. An introverted person that says they need their space for that particular reason will spend it alone.

 

Also, if you guys have been dating for 2.5 years and he is creating space between you, this is a relationship that is going no where. He does not see a future with you. Granted 2.5 years doesnt mean you should necessarily be living together or married, but a good relationship progressively brings the two people closer, not further apart.

 

 

so two people should be together everyday?

[kaylan]

If this is the norm, then its not an issue OP.

 

If this need for space is new, then have an honest discussion with your bf.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I don't see anything wrong with it. I NEED space in a relationship in order to be happy. I can't stand to have a man hanging off my hip all the time. Go out with the guys, have fun. As long as he communicates, answers if I call, no issues here.

[WP4046]

I don't see anything wrong with it. I NEED space in a relationship in order to be happy. I can't stand to have a man hanging off my hip all the time. Go out with the guys, have fun. As long as he communicates, answers if I call, no issues here.

 

 

That's what I thought, I didn't think you had to be around your man all the damm time

[thegreatesthumphrey]

so two people should be together everyday?

 

I dont think that at all. i just stated that he wasnt giving her the real reason for time apart.... 1, and 2... good relationships progress not the other way around especially @ 32 and 2.5 years into the relationship. Progression can take on many forms, not necessarily seeing each other. If the relationship was progressing in another fashion, the OP would not be on here talking about it. In a good relationship both parties make the other feel secure, important, and wanted to a necessary degree. If he was giving her that, she wouldnt be on here.

You and I both know that this relationship is heading south. We both know men and women. Lets us not kid ourselves.

[StanMusial]

Given your ages and time you've been dating, it is sort of curious if this is a recent development. This is the sort of thing that should be figured out sooner than 2.5 years. Can you give any more context?

[brok3npromise]

I have always found when a guy starts asking for time apart, they are usually heading towards breaking up with me...especially if this is something new in the relationship. I can't speak for everyone but in the beginning 2-3 nights away seems ok. As the relationship progresses, I feel that you should start including each other in more activities and interests together. Does he contact you at all during these days and nights apart or is he MIA? If he's not contacting you, this is a huge red flag.

[thegreatesthumphrey]

I don't see anything wrong with it. I NEED space in a relationship in order to be happy. I can't stand to have a man hanging off my hip all the time. Go out with the guys, have fun. As long as he communicates, answers if I call, no issues here.

 

Just so everyone knows, you can be around your partner and still have space. I have been in a successful relationship with my boyfriend, and we are both introverts. We could spend weeks in the same house, but only spend about 25% of that time together. We are both independent and have our own things. We do whatever we want, need, or feel like during the day. We dont tell each other where we are going or what we are doing and we dont ask. Then we come together at night. My boyfriend is much more introverted then I am. He has told me for the first time that he has had no problem having someone around all the time, because I give him all the space and time he needs without question. We both trust each other, and enjoy our space even if it is in the same area.

All Im saying is it can be done.

[pickflicker]

Sounds ok to me. I just recently started a graduate program and have realised my social life is going to take a hit. If you don't like it, you have every right to speak up, but I don't think his request is unreasonable.

[soccerrprp]

After 2.5 years? Is this something new? Or has he been this way all along?

 

I have a gf that needs her alone time. There are days when she'll need to get away from the kids (all 4! ) and get a hotel room or take a short vacation, but mostly just a long, hot bath alone, quiet. But in her case, it's to get away from stress, chaos....your bf is asking for something else entirely.

 

He's asking for time alone AND/OR time with his buddies. Don't use the "he's introverted" excuse for this b/c his need is not entirely for alone time. All of my introverted friends are very happy being with their partners on a daily basis and get their alone time as needed.

 

I suspect what he's wanting is time away from you. 2.5 years and he's still like this or if new, hmmmmm....

[pickflicker]

My first comment is this... If he is saying he needs 2-3 days to himself a week because he has an introverted personality, and he spends them drinking with his buddies... that is not the real reason. An introverted person that says they need their space for that particular reason will spend it alone.

 

Also, if you guys have been dating for 2.5 years and he is creating space between you, this is a relationship that is going no where. He does not see a future with you. Granted 2.5 years doesnt mean you should necessarily be living together or married, but a good relationship progressively brings the two people closer, not further apart.

 

A belief that introverted people have to spend their time alone is a complete fallacy. Some do. Not all. You can be introverted, but comfortable to spend your "off" time with your friends.

 

I really wish people would stop getting this definition wrong. Particularly because by all counts, people would call me a fearless extrovert, but I still crave alone time. I surprised one of my friends the other day by telling her I had a fear of rollercoasters. Her response? "I didn't think you were afraid of anything!"

 

The simplistic notion of extrovert = life of the party and introvert = homebody is rubbish.

Edited March 3, 2014 by pickflicker

[mandysask]

1. I like 1-2 nights / week alone and naturally I find myself wishing the rest could be a combination of time with him alone and time with him in groups / going out. I guess now that I think of it, he usually would like 3-4 nights per week "off" but probably due to some pressure from me it ends up being 2-3.

 

2. He is an introvert but also is social. He likes 1 or 2 nights of guy time but also needs one or two nights of alone time.

 

3. I have a large social circle and active social life, I have my own business, and I have many interests of my own. I think I just am realizing that after 2.5 years I would like all that + somebody to come home to more often than not. I guess, as some of you pointed out, I am beginning to realize that this relationship hasn't progressed in many ways the same way those around us have. We aren't growing apart because this isn't a new issue, and we have become closer in that we are better friends, more in love, and have more fun together than we ever have. I just am beginning to think that he is content at this phase with no intention of taking it further - or, that is, at least I am not sure how taking things further than happen when we aren't leaning towards possibly moving in together but still needing multiple nights off from each other.

 

4. I am willing to work with this IF I can understand and logically decide if it is normal and healthy for some people who are in long term relationships - I just personally don't know anyone which is why I am reaching out to strangers ; ) I know it isn't the norm but I do think healthy relationships are customizable - in fact they SHOULD be. I know if we all try to fit into the "normal" relationship mold then half of us will fail. Half of us do fail! So if this is something that works for some people then I am willing to try it. I'm just worried it means I may not be the one for him and he just is avoiding that reality (subconsciously) by making up all these rules and times to make this relationship work for him . . . that make sense?

 

5. This isn't a new thing. As one of you pointed out - at the beginning during the "honeymoon" phase we did spend much more time together but some of our other relationships (friendships) and interests were neglected. This is normal and we realized it about 8 months in. This is when he was honest about his need for balance and more space and time to maintain all these areas of interest that keep him happy. It was an adjustment at first but it became something that worked well for both of us. Lately though it has come up that he wouldn't be up for changing this at all, say for example, moving in together while still trying to maintain those things - alone time, friend time, etc etc. I feel this is something we are going to (or should have to) face at some point.

 

6. He says he has never felt this way for anyone nor has he ever wanted to make things work with somebody more - but he does admit he doesn't know for sure if he wants marriage and a family. He isn't ready to move in together and he is 50/50 on the marriage / family part. He knows this is something he needs to learn about himself. Otherwise he says he is happy in the relationship, thinks we are great together, etc, - which we actually are!

 

I think that speaks to all of your responses. . . let me know what you think!

 

Thanks!

[mandysask]

Oh - and yes - as I stated in my initial post - be does keep in touch during these days off, says good night when he gets home, keeps me in the loop more or less. I'm rarely wondering what he is doing.