After DDay, does leaving with Kids show BS cares?

[AjisenHi]

When DDay happened for my sister's MM, she took the children and left for her parents house. She had discovered their emails to each other.

 

My sister insists that it was another sign that the BS did not care about their marriage. I have the totally opposite view. She says if it was her and she did care about the marriage she would stay but it's indifference that made BS leave.

 

IMO, if BS did not care she would stay where she was with MM's parents next door looking after the kids while she was at work and a maid who looked after the household chores. She left because she felt betrayed and blindsided.

 

To those who left or stayed, did you care?

 

Thanks

[Eggplant]

My sister insists that it was another sign that the BS did not care about their marriage.

No, of course it's not a sign that the BS did not care.

[spice4life]

Your sister is in massive denial period. Of course she cares! It's a sign she is devastated and blind sided.

[waterwoman]

I would suggest that it is a sign she is in utter disarray and that whether she cares about her WS or not is irrelevant at this time. She is on automatic pilot and going to the one place she will feel safe.

[miguelcervantes]

I might be misunderstanding this but what I read from your post is

 

• Your sister had an affair with a married man
  
• The married man's wife (the BS) found their emails confirming the affair
  
• The married mans wife took the kids and left as a result
  
• Your sister thinks that the wife of her affair partner (the BS) did not really care about the marriage else she would have stayed and fought for the marriage
  

 

If I have read this correct then of course this is complete garbage and your sister is trying to justify her affair and maybe, assuage her guilt. In this case you need to tell your sister that what she did is wrong and she needs to help the BS through this by encouraging the scumb@g married man to give his stbxw an easy divorce.

 

If on the other hand your sister is the BS and she left with the kids then the same reasoning applies as for the BS depicted above in my last paragraph.

[txgrl]

And these are the kind of silly things that earns OW the reputation and the harsh comments seen on these posts sometimes . I understand that your sister is in a difficult position right now but saying insensitive things like this , she'll lose the little sympathy that she might receive otherwise . the BS has gone to a place which she finds safe , as pointed out here, her own home is no longer the safe haven that she thought it was .

 

To help your sister would be to point out to her the obvious, she trying to make light of it and might be in for a rude shock if MM goes back to W and kids and cuts her out to save his M . I wish her luck .

[rumbleseat]

Try asking your sister to be honest with herself and ask herself what she would do if she was the bs in this situation.

 

It sound like she has been wounded to her very core, and is going back to the one place she feels loved and safe. Her mom and dad.

[gettingstronger]

To me it just means that she is a Mother first and foremost and is protecting herself and her children-your sister sounds selfish and immature-

Lots of people take a break when they find out about an affair and seek comfort and safety in family and friends-maybe after a cooling off period she will work on her marriage-

Could be wishful thinking on your sisters part that she hopes the BS is done and did not care about the marriage in the first place- convenient thinking for someone not willing to take responsibility for their own actions-

[drifter777]

D-day for the BS can be so shocking, so painful, and so humiliating that the they cannot bear to look at their cheating spouse. A BH might just storm out and get a room for the night or maybe leave for good. A BW with children is limited in that she is going to take care of those kids no matter what she decides to do. If she isn't able or doesn't want to kick the WH out of the house but cannot stand to be in his presence then gathering up the kids and some of their stuff and getting the hell out is definitely in the "normal reaction" range to me. Based on what I read here it seems like the BS generally stays in the home initially because they are so stunned they can't make those kinds of decisions in the moment.

 

Why anyone would think that a BS leaving on or shortly after d-day is an indication they didn't care about the marriage is either stupid or a liar.

[AjisenHi]

I might be misunderstanding this but what I read from your post is

 

• Your sister had an affair with a married man
  
• The married man's wife (the BS) found their emails confirming the affair
  
• The married mans wife took the kids and left as a result
  
• Your sister thinks that the wife of her affair partner (the BS) did not really care about the marriage else she would have stayed and fought for the marriage
  

 

If I have read this correct then of course this is complete garbage and your sister is trying to justify her affair and maybe, assuage her guilt. In this case you need to tell your sister that what she did is wrong and she needs to help the BS through this by encouraging the scumb@g married man to give his stbxw an easy divorce.

 

If on the other hand your sister is the BS and she left with the kids then the same reasoning applies as for the BS depicted above in my last paragraph.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, you read it right. Actually, what I said to her was " watch what he does during the divorce. The way he treats his BS, the mother of his children will show you what kind of a man he really is. Not his words, his actions".

[AjisenHi]

I appreciate all your input and agree with most of what you say as I have said much the same to her already.

 

However, she is my sister and blood is thicker than mud. She is so deep in FOG there is nothing that seems to get through. In her defence, she is not a bad person, malicious or even mean spirited. It's like she has a need to escape reality and all she gets from MM is his side of the story. and as she says " If I don't believe him who do I believe?"

 

I feel compelled to add that she is usually non judgmental and was expressing her opinion when I was pushing her to see that MMs side of the story did not match up with his wife's actions.

 

There comes a point where you just stop beating your head against a brick wall and wait to pick up the pieces you know what I mean?

 

MM has started D proceedings in his country and she has spoken to his lawyer so at least she knows that the D is in motion. But it's contested as ( this is MM ) her BS's father doesn't want it to happen because of the stigma attached. So the waiting game begins.

Edited March 3, 2014 by AjisenHi
Spelling

[miguelcervantes]

I understand that blood is thicker than mud etc, but you are making excuses for her very bad behaviour.

 

If you love your sister you will (a) acknowledge that she is a very bad person at the moment, and (b) help her to become a good person.

 

She knew this man was married with children and she still continued with him. Whatever the state of the marriage, this behaviour is despicable (not just bad) - it is selfish and amoral. This makes her (and the MM) very bad people. This is not a mistake or her being lost in some fog - this is her selfishly going after what she wants no matter what the cost. You making excuses for her is not helping her - it is damaging her even more than she is already damaged (morally).

 

On top of this, she is now attacking the BS instead of feeling sorry for her. This just compounds her bad behaviour. I am not using the normal acronyms used for people like your sister on this board out of politeness to you. But you can help her by making her own her actions, stop them, be remorseful for them and do the right things. That is where your "blood is thicker than water" should come in. Not in justifying her actions and bad behaviour.

 

The MM (POS, scumb@g) is also very very bad. But if your sister carries on like she is now, she deserves him - they deserve each other!

 

What is the country of origin of the MM and what country are you in, by the way ?

[whichwayisup]

Yes she has to remember how he treats his soon to be wife - The mother of his children. And your sister better gain some common courtesy/respect for his (ex) wife since it seems she is in this for the long haul. One day those kids are going to be around her, she'll be in some sense (eventually/maybe) step mom to them, is she prepared to deal with and be around kids that aren't hers? Is she prepared that his ex will ALWAYS be a part of their lives because of his kids with his ex?

 

Sadly this is a lesson your sister will have to learn on her own. Maybe all will work out, but chances are, it won't.

[harrybrown]

Dday to a BS is a day that the BS is trying to survive the bomb that exploded in their face.

 

The pain from the cheating, the lies, the betrayal are overwhelming.

 

I do not think it would be a good idea to judge a BS on Dday, or for a period of time after Dday.

 

Your sister's MM should be grateful that is the course that was taken on Dday.

 

I would also be careful about the truth of what MM says, because he has a history of not telling 100% of the truth to his stbxw, and maybe others as well.

[BHsigh]

I understand that blood is thicker than mud etc, but you are making excuses for her very bad behaviour.

 

On top of this, she is now attacking the BS instead of feeling sorry for her. This just compounds her bad behaviour. I am not using the normal acronyms used for people like your sister on this board out of politeness to you. But you can help her by making her own her actions, stop them, be remorseful for them and do the right things. That is where your "blood is thicker than water" should come in. Not in justifying her actions and bad behaviour.

 

Exactly!! Too many people assume that you have to allow your family members to do whatever without any repercussions from them. As family, it is your job to show her that she is being a bad person, and she is a bad person right now.

 

If she was a 7 day a week alcoholic that drove drunk, would you do your best to show her the damage that she is doing, or would you just let her continue with her ways until she wound up in an accident and destroyed someone else's life by killing someone's mom, or dad, or daughter or son, just because she isn't normally a bad person?

[Raena]

I'd think it would be really difficult to watch someone you love do something so wrong. You can't make your sister do the right thing, she has to make that choice. But to have to sit by and listen to her about it would drive me batty. How do you not say to her that what's she's doing is wrong and you don't support her actions. She's your sister after all, BUT, if she doesn't hear it from you, who will she hear it from?

 

As for her thinking on the BS... well... it's BS. That wife didn't leave because she didn't care. She left because the man she made a commitment to lied to her and cheated on her. It's that simple.

[Eggplant]

She may have a good heart somewhere, but right now she's being a jerk. The BW is convulsing from the massive knife-wound your sister helped to inflict, and then your sister is basically kicking her while she's down. I hope this guy is worth it.

[AjisenHi]

Again, thanks for the replies and restraint I honestly believe all who replied have exercised in their replies. I do recognise the pain that the BS here have gone through on their own Ddays and apologies for any reawakened hurt.

 

I have spoken to her about this and we have had many heart to hearts where, believe me, I have not minced words as the worries, frustrations and shame extends to all in the family over this. An affair is NOT between 2 or 3 people, the fallout is massive. But the only parties who can do anything about it refuse to see the consequences of their actions or the impact it has on anyone other than themselves.

 

So, again with the brick wall analogy, everyone besides them can see it but HOW do we get them to see it? I have spoken till I am blue in the face as well as other family members. But from their perspective, we don't understand, we can't understand and we are ganging up on them!

 

If anyone can give me a constructive, tried and tested way to MAKE her understand, I would gladly implement it.

 

All I can do is support my niece, be there for her and also my sister if and when the worst happens.

[rumbleseat]

My brother had an A, and ended up divorcing to be with his ow. My family tried to be there for him, but it was really hard. On the one hand, he is their son,but on the other, he was acting really poorly. In the end, my family remained really close to his exW, tried to be close with his new W and be there for my brother. His new M didn't work out and they divorced.

 

I found out a few years ago that my mom and dad has tried to talk with him about it and explain to him that if we wanted to divorce, he should do it because his marriage wasn't good and not just to be with his ow. He wouldn't listen.

 

Sometimes, even though you know someone is making a huge mistake, you won't be able to stop them. All you can do is let them know how you feel and that you will not support their actions. You will always be there for them, but that doesn't mean you have to agree with them or encourage them in hurtful, self destructive behavior.

 

If your sister has any sort of conscience, this may well end up eating away at her. When the fog clears and she has yo face the fact that she participated in hurting someone who really didn't deserve it, it's going to be a heavy load for her to carry. Not only that, but if she and this man do stay together long term, she will end up in a dynamic with his ex wife for maybe the ret of her life, step kids that may not be too fond of her. Etc. is she really fully aware of what all that can mean?

[drifter777]

Bluntness to the point of cruelty is the only thing that will get through to her if anything will. Tell your sister you will not talk to her about this subject anymore because you think she is dead wrong and hurting innocent people. Ask your family to also turn to stone if/when she brings the subject up in any shape or form and ask them to be blunt about it rather than only showing "concern for her well-being". Everyone needs to get tough with her.

 

She is swept up in the euphoria of romantic love; something that never lasts and will end at some point. She's an adult and you can't stop her from doing something you think is bad for her so don't waste you breath any longer on this. By refusing to even discuss it you show your disgust for her behavior and that might be something that helps shake her back to reality.

[Bittersweetie]

So, again with the brick wall analogy, everyone besides them can see it but HOW do we get them to see it? I

 

Unfortunately I think this is one of those situations where they will not see until they are ready to see. I'm a fWW and at one point I told my mom what was going on and she really gave it to me. But I don't remember a word she said, and didn't change anything...because at that time I wasn't ready to hear it. It's like how they say people won't change until they want to change. You and your family are doing the best you can to help but you cannot change how she sees things until she wants to. Good luck.

[Got it]

Again, thanks for the replies and restraint I honestly believe all who replied have exercised in their replies. I do recognise the pain that the BS here have gone through on their own Ddays and apologies for any reawakened hurt.

 

I have spoken to her about this and we have had many heart to hearts where, believe me, I have not minced words as the worries, frustrations and shame extends to all in the family over this. An affair is NOT between 2 or 3 people, the fallout is massive. But the only parties who can do anything about it refuse to see the consequences of their actions or the impact it has on anyone other than themselves.

 

So, again with the brick wall analogy, everyone besides them can see it but HOW do we get them to see it? I have spoken till I am blue in the face as well as other family members. But from their perspective, we don't understand, we can't understand and we are ganging up on them!

 

If anyone can give me a constructive, tried and tested way to MAKE her understand, I would gladly implement it.

 

All I can do is support my niece, be there for her and also my sister if and when the worst happens.

 

You can't. She she is an adult and allowed to make her own decisions. You can give your opinion and thoughts but that doesn't mean she has to take it. The only thing you can do is control yourself. So if there is a line in the sand then you act accordingly.

 

So what do you envision if she never stops seeing him?

[AjisenHi]

Bluntness to the point of cruelty is the only thing that will get through to her if anything will. Tell your sister you will not talk to her about this subject anymore because you think she is dead wrong and hurting innocent people. Ask your family to also turn to stone if/when she brings the subject up in any shape or form and ask them to be blunt about it rather than only showing "concern for her well-being". Everyone needs to get tough with her.

 

She is swept up in the euphoria of romantic love; something that never lasts and will end at some point. She's an adult and you can't stop her from doing something you think is bad for her so don't waste you breath any longer on this. By refusing to even discuss it you show your disgust for her behavior and that might be something that helps shake her back to reality.

 

First, thanks for the reply.

 

We come from an south east Asian country and so does MM although a different one. Both are pretty conservative but have modern standards of living. That is why the family is very affected as Affairs are still very frowned upon.

 

As I have said a couple of close family members have tried to be brutally honest with her and unfortunately she is not ready to listen. We have asked her not to bring him to any functions or be with the family in any shape or form when he is visiting her. I have specifically and adamantly requested no contact between MM and my niece until they get their acts together. MM is not happy with this and blames me for interfering.

 

I have told her exactly how I feel about the matter many times but it is exhausting and the message does not seem to be getting through. I am not giving up on her but at the same time am at a loss what to do besides trying to show MM's words belie his actions.

[AjisenHi]

You can't. She she is an adult and allowed to make her own decisions. You can give your opinion and thoughts but that doesn't mean she has to take it. The only thing you can do is control yourself. So if there is a line in the sand then you act accordingly.

 

So what do you envision if she never stops seeing him?

 

Thanks for getting it, Got it . It took me a long time to get that as she is my baby sister and I , and most of my family, are protective of her because of what she and her daughter have gone through.

 

I can honestly say that if she continues to see him and he has promised to move to our country in 6 months time after the divorce is finalised, I still won't have respect for him and I fear that our contact will be minimal. Unfortunately, this also means that my niece will be further destablised. as she has been living with me since her parents split.

 

My Sis says they will start seriously dating when MM moves here which absolutely floored me! On the one hand, it sounds like a mature decision because she wants to be sure of him. But on the other hand, the horrific turmoil that this A has thrown our family into for over 2 years seems trivialised. NOW she is "dating" after all this? Why couldn't she have just waited till MM was single!!!

[lovelysharma]

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