Your partner's best traits and worst/lacking qualities?

[Michelle83]

I'm just curious, for those in a very committed relationship or married (preferably you are confident it's the one or are married), what would you say are their top qualities that set them apart from everyone else- that makes you know they are the one or the reasons you married them?

 

And a the same time, if you were able to create the man/woman of your dreams, what would you change about your current partner, or add to make them an even better version of their current selves? Basically, what are the things you aren't so fond of or traits you wished they possessed?

 

I'm looking to gain some clarity and insight into thoughts going on in my mind with my current relationship and it'd be helpful to hear from others in successful relationships.

[Els]

And a the same time, if you were able to create the man/woman of your dreams, what would you change about your current partner, or add to make them an even better version of their current selves?

 

I hate to be a wet blanket, but I don't think this is feasible or a productive way of thinking, to be honest. All of a person's traits make up who they are, and if anything were to change, it would affect the 'balance', and they'd be a different person, possibly without the good things that attract you to them.

 

To provide an example with my SO, it sometimes drives me nuts that he's so selfless with his friends and colleagues and pretty much everyone in general. "Oh, X is sick, so I am going to cover him at work." Well, X didn't bother to cover you when YOU were sick, did he!? But I realize that he can't just change that in a vacuum. His selflessness towards our R is one of the traits that attracts me to begin with, and if he were to be more calculative with his colleagues, that personality change would turn him into a less selfless person to begin with. Is that really a good thing?

 

Okay, maybe I'm reading way too much into this Q. But I just don't think it's a healthy or normal thing to do to envision creating a dream man/woman while in a R, or dream about adding to their partner to make them 'better'. I think love is about accepting all of a person, good and bad.

[Zimber]

Productive/unproductive, meh, I'll play!

 

If I had one thing to change with my SO, I would hope that she could learn to communicate better (more intimately). She doesn't ever speak about how she feels about anything (other than surface things, food, places ...). Eventually, you wake up and realize that you don't know this person very well at all. Also, it bothers me a little that she seems to seek male approval and that coupled with being a little bit gullible, has made me nervous in the past.

 

On the flip side, one of the things I'm drawn to about her (other than the attributes and habits that would please a healthy man ), is her very calm personality. She has a gentleness to her that I like as I have more of a spastic personality. She is thoughtful and not afraid to work.

 

In my humble opinion, this is not a bad thread. While it is unrealistic to hope to change someone, it is not unreasonable to try to sand down a couple rough edges. The risk to such indulgences is that it's pretty easy to find the bad in a person and start to lose sight of the good.

 

My hunch is that the OP is trying to gather some sort of inner peace within herself regarding her SO, but she declined to play and set the tone.

 

So OP, you going to play too?

 

Z

[Els]

In my humble opinion, this is not a bad thread. While it is unrealistic to hope to change someone, it is not unreasonable to try to sand down a couple rough edges. The risk to such indulgences is that it's pretty easy to find the bad in a person and start to lose sight of the good.

 

My hunch is that the OP is trying to gather some sort of inner peace within herself regarding her SO, but she declined to play and set the tone.

 

So OP, you going to play too?

 

Z

 

I think you missed my point. I don't think it's a 'bad thread' at all (if I did, I would've reported it ), just offering OP my point of view on the topic. Feel free to disagree.

[Michelle83]

Productive/unproductive, meh, I'll play!

 

If I had one thing to change with my SO, I would hope that she could learn to communicate better (more intimately). She doesn't ever speak about how she feels about anything (other than surface things, food, places ...). Eventually, you wake up and realize that you don't know this person very well at all. Also, it bothers me a little that she seems to seek male approval and that coupled with being a little bit gullible, has made me nervous in the past.

 

On the flip side, one of the things I'm drawn to about her (other than the attributes and habits that would please a healthy man ), is her very calm personality. She has a gentleness to her that I like as I have more of a spastic personality. She is thoughtful and not afraid to work.

 

In my humble opinion, this is not a bad thread. While it is unrealistic to hope to change someone, it is not unreasonable to try to sand down a couple rough edges. The risk to such indulgences is that it's pretty easy to find the bad in a person and start to lose sight of the good.

 

My hunch is that the OP is trying to gather some sort of inner peace within herself regarding her SO, but she declined to play and set the tone.

 

So OP, you going to play too?

 

Z

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah, basically I'm relatively happy with my current significant other, but am just struggling with the question of whether I'm looking at too many superficial qualities to make me happy versus what I really should be looking for in a life partner. I don't meet or even interact with other people very much at all (work from home and don't have a big social circle), and pretty much went from one LTR to another. Recently I was around someone else who possessed certain qualities that I would find very very attractive and important and something my current so is a little more lacking in. I guess more or less I'm trying to decipher between qualities that are big and the ones that make you go, 'yeah, this is the person I'll spend the rest of my life with' versus qualities that make it enjoyable to date and be in a relationship. This guy treats me quite well so going from my ex (who did not at all), it just made feel over the moon happy but my ex is all I really have to compare to.

 

With my current s/o, he's very thoughtful of me, we both lead very similar lifestyles/preferences regarding how to spend free time, how we eat (we're both super healthy so it's important for us), and we have a similar sense of humor.

 

I'm starting to find a bit more often though that I'm the one carrying our conversations most of the time and if I don't talk, we sit therein silence. He rarely asks me about my work and sometimes I feel like he's not as supportive about my work/ideas as he could be. He's not as much of a go-get-er type of person either, whereas I am and I do find that an important quality in a person, but he is working so it's no like he's just sitting at home unemployed and not doing anything.

 

When we argue sometimes I find he makes me feel as though I'm silly or wrong for even having the feelings I do, so that's a little concerning as well. when we first started dating I felt so sure he was 'the one' but now I'm starting to question it a bit more and I'm just trying to figure out for myself whether I'm just being overly picky and stupid at worrying about this all or whether he is really the right guy to marry.

 

If that explanation for the thread makes any sense.

[Clockwork]

Worst traits: She has an entry level job and doesn't make a lot of money

 

Best traits: A kind woman, a friendly person and polite to everyone around her. Automatically has this aura the second you meet her that she isn't like other girls.

 

Her smile

 

Her eyes

 

Her loyalty

 

Lack of superficial needs

 

Her body is amazing. My wife has this unbelievable knack of getting her old body back right away after giving birth. We have two kids and women might hate this but she's gotten her flat belly back right away. One week after having our daughter and she could have rocked a bikini if it weren't the winter. No joke.

[Els]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah, basically I'm relatively happy with my current significant other, but am just struggling with the question of whether I'm looking at too many superficial qualities to make me happy versus what I really should be looking for in a life partner. I don't meet or even interact with other people very much at all (work from home and don't have a big social circle), and pretty much went from one LTR to another. Recently I was around someone else who possessed certain qualities that I would find very very attractive and important and something my current so is a little more lacking in. I guess more or less I'm trying to decipher between qualities that are big and the ones that make you go, 'yeah, this is the person I'll spend the rest of my life with' versus qualities that make it enjoyable to date and be in a relationship. This guy treats me quite well so going from my ex (who did not at all), it just made feel over the moon happy but my ex is all I really have to compare to.

 

With my current s/o, he's very thoughtful of me, we both lead very similar lifestyles/preferences regarding how to spend free time, how we eat (we're both super healthy so it's important for us), and we have a similar sense of humor.

 

I'm starting to find a bit more often though that I'm the one carrying our conversations most of the time and if I don't talk, we sit therein silence. He rarely asks me about my work and sometimes I feel like he's not as supportive about my work/ideas as he could be. He's not as much of a go-get-er type of person either, whereas I am and I do find that an important quality in a person, but he is working so it's no like he's just sitting at home unemployed and not doing anything.

 

When we argue sometimes I find he makes me feel as though I'm silly or wrong for even having the feelings I do, so that's a little concerning as well. when we first started dating I felt so sure he was 'the one' but now I'm starting to question it a bit more and I'm just trying to figure out for myself whether I'm just being overly picky and stupid at worrying about this all or whether he is really the right guy to marry.

 

If that explanation for the thread makes any sense.

 

I apologize if I set the wrong tone for your thread; I think I didn't phrase my last post well. Sorry about that.

 

How long have you been together? I think all of these issues can be worked on individually, but from the tone I gather from your threads, you generally sound lukewarm about your R and are trying to convince yourself that it is the right one for you. Again, apologies if I am being presumptuous, that's just the way this thread (and others that you started) come across to me. If that is true, then it is a much bigger issue than the sum of everything you mentioned here. If you are having doubts about him, don't marry him.

[Michelle83]

I apologize if I set the wrong tone for your thread; I think I didn't phrase my last post well. Sorry about that.

 

How long have you been together? I think all of these issues can be worked on individually, but from the tone I gather from your threads, you generally sound lukewarm about your R and are trying to convince yourself that it is the right one for you. Again, apologies if I am being presumptuous, that's just the way this thread (and others that you started) come across to me. If that is true, then it is a much bigger issue than the sum of everything you mentioned here. If you are having doubts about him, don't marry him.

 

No problem at all, no offense taken and I really appreciate your input.

 

Yeah, I find myself back and forth a bit. I never dated much and that may be contributing, but I just went from one really bad relationship to this and he treats me so significantly better, it was easy to be won over super easily. We talked about getting engaged so early on - after just 3 months although it was all more 'talk' at that point but he said he would ask if he was financial ready.

 

i felt so happy..all was good and I've wanted to get married for quite some time but now that we've been together longer, I'm starting to see things I didn't before and doubt myself and those feelings, so it's unsettling. I felt so sure and now I don't feel sure at all.

 

In the past with other guys I dated ever so briefly back in my very early 20's 10 years ago, I've had a tendency to nit pick at little things so am worried I may be doing it again. But getting married is a huge deal and I don't want to have any regrets.

 

With this guy, he's very sweet and thoughtful but some things kind of feel off a bit from time to time. It's hard too as we only see each other 2-3 days a week and don't live together and that's another issue all in itself.

 

I know no one is ever going to be picture perfect and everyone has faults, so I guess I was just trying to gauge what should be overlooked and what are the important factors that make a happy long term relationship work so I can better see whether I'm just being way too overly critical and like you said, trying to convince myself of one thing or another.

 

There are a few big things thing guy isn't that I originally wanted in a husband, but he has other qualities too that definitely are great and I may not find in another man.

[xxmusical]

My SO is friendly, selfless, kind, caring, loyal, funny, hopeful, sporty...I think the list goes on and on and on. He and I are pretty much complete opposites: him being an extrovert and me being an introvert. Our personalities clash -- he's sociable even around new people, while I'm shy with meeting new people; he's optimistic while I'm quite negative... So in a way, he balances my life. But what really made me realize that he's "the one" for me is that he makes me truly happy - I mean, laughing-so-much-that-my-jaws-hurt-type-of-happy. He makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl. He knows how to brighten up my day, which is honestly something I cannot do for myself (I'm too moody some times).

 

There are some traits that irk me, though I wouldn't say they're big enough issues that would be the deal breaker. Things like jumping into bed after a stinky sweaty soccer game...or something haha. I'm a clean freak so these things annoy me, though I'm sure I have more flaws that need to be improved!

 

Recently I was around someone else who possessed certain qualities that I would find very very attractive and important and something my current so is a little more lacking in. I guess more or less I'm trying to decipher between qualities that are big and the ones that make you go, 'yeah, this is the person I'll spend the rest of my life with' versus qualities that make it enjoyable to date and be in a relationship. This guy treats me quite well so going from my ex (who did not at all), it just made feel over the moon happy but my ex is all I really have to compare to.

What were the qualities that you found attractive from this person?

 

When we argue sometimes I find he makes me feel as though I'm silly or wrong for even having the feelings I do, so that's a little concerning as well.

This happens to me too, but it's not a big problem for me because our arguments usually stem from me over-thinking/analyzing things.

[cocorico]

I wouldn't change anything about my H, but one thing that has gotten him into scary places in the past is that he always assumes the best of people until proven otherwise. It's a lovely trait, but one that has put him in harm's way in the past.

[Els]

No problem at all, no offense taken and I really appreciate your input.

 

Yeah, I find myself back and forth a bit. I never dated much and that may be contributing, but I just went from one really bad relationship to this and he treats me so significantly better, it was easy to be won over super easily. We talked about getting engaged so early on - after just 3 months although it was all more 'talk' at that point but he said he would ask if he was financial ready.

 

i felt so happy..all was good and I've wanted to get married for quite some time but now that we've been together longer, I'm starting to see things I didn't before and doubt myself and those feelings, so it's unsettling. I felt so sure and now I don't feel sure at all.

 

In the past with other guys I dated ever so briefly back in my very early 20's 10 years ago, I've had a tendency to nit pick at little things so am worried I may be doing it again. But getting married is a huge deal and I don't want to have any regrets.

 

With this guy, he's very sweet and thoughtful but some things kind of feel off a bit from time to time. It's hard too as we only see each other 2-3 days a week and don't live together and that's another issue all in itself.

 

I know no one is ever going to be picture perfect and everyone has faults, so I guess I was just trying to gauge what should be overlooked and what are the important factors that make a happy long term relationship work so I can better see whether I'm just being way too overly critical and like you said, trying to convince myself of one thing or another.

 

There are a few big things thing guy isn't that I originally wanted in a husband, but he has other qualities too that definitely are great and I may not find in another man.

 

Ah, okay, I definitely get that.

 

I hope you find the answers that you seek in this thread.

[Shepp]

I could write hundreds of top qualities that set her apart but I guess if I have to narrow it down...

• She's crazy gorgeous
  
• She's feisty and passionate
  
• She's the most charismatic person I've ever met, she energises everyone and thing around her, the worlds her stage.
  
• She's down to earth, we have a laugh
  
• How bright green and sparkly her eyes are when shes excited
  
• She likes doing outdoorsy stuff with me
  
• She's awesome with kids
  
• I've never ever seen her lose at rock, paper scissors and I don't know how she does it!
  
• Even after all these years she remains totally unpredictable
  

Why I know she's the one? I've said this before but, when she walks in and scans a crowded room and sees me, breaks into a grin and heads my way...she takes my breath away just a little

 

On the flip side..

She's can be moody, she can be irrational, she's constantly at 100mph, she cd even after all these years she remains totally unpredictable!

But I wouldn't change any of that because that's her, that would change the person that she is and I don't want to do that.

Same as me people say I'm determined and that's good but that I'm stubborn and that's bad but strip it back and they're the same thing, the only difference is perspective - if you took away one, you'd take away the other.

 

The only thing I would actually change, I'd do for her, I'd take away her tendency to self destruct - because I wouldn't want to live like that and if I could free her of that, I would! But I hope I've had an impact on that anyway - I feel like I have!

[newmoon]

Thanks for the replies.

 

Yeah, basically I'm relatively happy with my current significant other, but am just struggling with the question of whether I'm looking at too many superficial qualities to make me happy versus what I really should be looking for in a life partner. I don't meet or even interact with other people very much at all (work from home and don't have a big social circle), and pretty much went from one LTR to another. Recently I was around someone else who possessed certain qualities that I would find very very attractive and important and something my current so is a little more lacking in. I guess more or less I'm trying to decipher between qualities that are big and the ones that make you go, 'yeah, this is the person I'll spend the rest of my life with' versus qualities that make it enjoyable to date and be in a relationship. This guy treats me quite well so going from my ex (who did not at all), it just made feel over the moon happy but my ex is all I really have to compare to.

 

With my current s/o, he's very thoughtful of me, we both lead very similar lifestyles/preferences regarding how to spend free time, how we eat (we're both super healthy so it's important for us), and we have a similar sense of humor.

 

I'm starting to find a bit more often though that I'm the one carrying our conversations most of the time and if I don't talk, we sit therein silence. He rarely asks me about my work and sometimes I feel like he's not as supportive about my work/ideas as he could be. He's not as much of a go-get-er type of person either, whereas I am and I do find that an important quality in a person, but he is working so it's no like he's just sitting at home unemployed and not doing anything.

 

When we argue sometimes I find he makes me feel as though I'm silly or wrong for even having the feelings I do, so that's a little concerning as well. when we first started dating I felt so sure he was 'the one' but now I'm starting to question it a bit more and I'm just trying to figure out for myself whether I'm just being overly picky and stupid at worrying about this all or whether he is really the right guy to marry.

 

If that explanation for the thread makes any sense.

 

 

envision yourself married to him and what types of things (if any) you'd have to nag on him about. if you'd find yourself bothered or irritated by lots of things then he probably isn't the right one. my belief has always been that women generally only nag when the partner is not well-suited to them. you wouldn't have to nag your husband about cleaning up his clothes if he was already as clean and tidy as you are, and so on. it's pretty much mandatory to have matching values for long-term happiness, but just as important to have similar lifestyles - Felix and Oscar situations lead to tension(s), not increased happiness. but any belittling of feelings from a partner isn't good - you want someone supportive and someone you can respect.