Friendship is possible

[Snipercatt]

Layla, I had long post drafted and I poofed it, accidently. You aren't using common sense here.

 

If you are true best friends then you are true best friends of each others marriages. It means you will support that in every way and prioritize it before your own friendship, consistently and constantly.

 

 

Sometimes any kind of connection is really hard to make for some people. I'm someone who finds it very very hard. I do not attach to many people at all, really only a handful of real connections my whole life.. To me it makes no sense NOT to keep it close once it's there.

 

This explains alot. This choice of yours, regardless of your reaons (actually excuses) is probably at the seat of the inappropriate relationship with your married business partner (MOM). It is also a burden to any relationship that you do develop. That's too much to heap on one relationship. It isn't healthy, for you, or them. I expect that this feels harsh to you, but it is true and it is common sense.

 

Why wouldn't I want his friendship?

 

Of course you do, considering the circumstances and your reluctance to develop attachment to other people. It is what you desire, but not necessarily what is most healthy for you, or for him, or for your marriages.

 

You mention that if you hadn't engaged in the slippery slopes that precipitated into an affair you and he hanging out together wouldn't be a problem. *alarm bells here*

 

Nope! When you have the issue of not making attachments, and connections, to people you have to be VERY careful of the attachments to the people you do have in your life. It heaps way too much on that connection and the logical and common sense rule is that this relationship will be fraught with difficulties for your marriages, and for you. This is your achilles heel.

[Owl]

Oh you are absolutely correct that had a DDay occurred things would be very different.

 

I think had either of us 'dumped' the other.. Things would be very different. Or if one of us was single.

 

Friendship is possible in situations where people were in an affair, or had a sexual relationship that they then ended, that's all I am getting at. It's not likely to be easy, but with time, self control, and patience I do think we'll be able to do it.

 

I'm going to ask a blunt question.

 

Do you feel that the continued friendship, post affair, is fair to your spouses?

 

That your friendship is "ok", and it's acceptable and OK for them to go on with their friendships with your respective spouses...and respective affair partners...given that they don't know the full truth?

[whichwayisup]

Sometimes any kind of connection is really hard to make for some people. I'm someone who finds it very very hard. I do not attach to many people at all, really only a handful of real connections my whole life.. To me it makes no sense NOT to keep it close once it's there.

 

Those kind of connections, with the opposite sex are not good though as it usually ends up where you are now (or were). So you don't make connections with women? When one is married and you feel that connection to another guy, that actually IS a sign to turn the other way because many of times it does lead to an affair (EA/PA or both). Especially if both lose self control and forget their spouses and kids...

[MissBee]

You can remain friends after an affair. I fully believe it.

I'm not saying it's easy and it's definitely painful at times.

 

We didn't have a DDay and it ended fairly mutually..

Does anyone have success stories?

 

I read the thread title and expected you were gonna post your own "success story" about how you proved it was possible.

 

When my AP and I ended things we didn't have a dday but we didn't remain friends either as we went NC. However, we did reconnect some years after and had a "friendship" which wasn't platonic and then tried to have a real go at a relationship (he was single). The relationship didn't work and we're not really friends right now.

 

Come to think of it, I'm not "friends" with any of my exes. What do you mean by "friends" anyway? I can talk to some of my exes every once in a while but we're not friends, we don't hang out, I don't really call them up just to shoot the breeze and talk etc, we're more like acquaintances who cross paths every now and again.

 

The problem with the exAP friendship is that it is still a lie and still disrespectful to the person's marriage and particularly if the A ends on the premise of working on the marriage, then how can you still be "friends" with your former secret affair partner? If your spouse/bf had a "friend" whom he was sleeping with behind your back but they decided to stop sleeping together and end their affair but be "friends" would you tolerate it or think it was a good plan? If not...that's exactly why the whole thing makes no sense and is different than being friends with a regular, non-secret-affair ex. You give up certain things with an A and this is one of them usually, the ability to have a "friendship" once its over. Married people's friends should be friends of their marriage and I don't see how your former affair partner can do this.

 

I get the friend thing...everybody wants it with every kind of ex, it's overrated and usually with time you get over that desire to be friends. Such is life really. I remember while with bfs I enjoyed the friendship and missed it when we ended and thought why can't we still be friends when it's all over and deluded myself about that and tried it...it was always convoluted and messy. I then realized that having a romantic relationship with someone is sometimes a door you can only go through in one direction, i..e, you usually cannot just revert to friends if you started as friends OR extract the friendship from a relationship that was primarily a romance. But it's not the end of the world...life does go on and you do lose the overwhelming desire to be friends. I see this friends obsession as a phase that is a cliche now, where in the Breaks and Breaking Up Section, it's like clockwork, almost everyone inquires about it or wants to try it and like clockwork it usually prolongs the pain and then eventually as healing continues they let it go.

Edited March 4, 2014 by MissBee

[Bittersweetie]

I wonder if one has to define "friendship" in this case. If it is having private conversations, texting, emailing, sharing stories/feelings, that kind of thing...then that could be considered extending the EA even if one is not calling it that. It's continued disrespect to the spouses who do not know.

 

In this case, the OP cannot avoid contact with xAP. She could have what others see as a "friendship" but in reality are just interactions. If she is serious about moving beyond the EA and re-connecting with her spouse, there'd have to be strict boundaries. Things like I mentioned above: no private talks/time, or private chats, texts, that sort of thing. She would have to take control of her interactions with the xAP and limit them as much as possible.

 

Though I have to say, even if Layla did institute these strict boundaries in the relationship and stick to them, I'm not sure if that would mean much to her H if the A ever came out.

[herself]

I wish for you Layla that you would just pull back.

Isnt that much time with the neighbors (affair or not) a little much.

One night a week you can ask your husband if you guys can have a night out with JUST your family, kinda like a weekly tradition and another night you can say, hey were just having leftovers. In other words just subtly pull back.

I love the neighbors but we kinda keep life seperate, and in this case any excuse right now just to let you and him heal.

You can even join a club that gets you out of the house a night of the week or weekend.

Just really less judgementon my part here, just trying to think and let yyou process ways of pulling away right now. "Ive been truly busy" always helps, women get that.

 

As you listen to all the advice here, just let it settle a little in your soul and think hard how you would try to fix tjings if it was your husband who had the affair with his wife. What could you do to scale back.

 

I know you cant scale back everything but some changes that create some space and healing.

Also.....is it THAT far fetched to bring up to your husband possibly moving. Does his company or yours have branches in other cities? It might be a new fun adventure to take the family onto the second half of your lives in a new place. Its far fetched but it would be cool.

 

I understand you Layla, its easy to join the club and give you the Scarlett Letter A, but were all not without 'sin' and I know your trying to get through & in pain. Please consider some changes, I think your family needs their own tradition and SPACE, affair or not.

Good luck Layla.

[rumbleseat]

What will your answer be if,down the road, your H or his W became suspicious of your friendship and asked if you had bebe having an A ?