How to get second chance after act of violence..

[WorstPartner]

Even if I have a problem with alcohol and I am controlling person so what? Does it mean that I am not able to love this woman and to give her happiness?

 

I am starting to see a psychologist in couple of days. I know that everything that happened was wrong and I just want to change it..

[organizedchaos]

I sincerely want to change.. This relationship has been really tough for both of us.. Previously I have forgiven her two times when she cheated on me. We went through lots of ups and downs but I know that we both still love each other and there is a chance that we will be happy one day..

 

Then change! And let her go. You f***** up big time.

 

To answer the question posed by the title of this thread...you don't.

[Simon Phoenix]

You'd be better off starting with a clean slate with someone else. Both of you have treated each other like crap. It's much better for you to figure out a) why you feel the need to control (this is not a good thing) and why you lash out violently when you aren't in control and b) why you are willing to let this woman not only betray your trust multiple times, but are pining to get back with her.

 

This isn't a healthy relationship and too much has gone on for it ever to be that way. Work on your control, violence, and codependency issues and find a woman who you can start anew with. The soil is way too polluted with this relationship.

[dragon_fly_7]

Even if I have a problem with alcohol and I am controlling person so what? Does it mean that I am not able to love this woman and to give her happiness?

That statement is enough to confirm my belief that you aren't ready for a relationship. Do continue to seek help but be single for the meantime.

 

That's not the type of love I would ever want so nope, you can't love someone you feel you have to control. If you call that love, then that's a distorted way of loving a gf.

Edited March 5, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[RDawg]

Society does not like men who hit women. It is taboo.

 

She will never forgive you. Nor will her family or friends. And you are certainly not going to get any sympathy on this forum.

[malin819]

I'll give my input since I have been in your situation

 

First off go see a psychologist to understand and correct your behavior. Second I'm attending anger management classes every week. I'm also seeing a group of person who where in the same situation with the help of a therapist.

 

Now do all of this for yourself and nobody else. Maybe you won't get her back but after the whole process you'll be able to be a better person.

 

I got mine back but actions speak louder then words.

[TaraMaiden]

Even if I have a problem with alcohol and I am controlling person so what?

So what -?! It means you can never have a normal relationship, that's what! If you believe you have a right to control someone else when you choose to, and continue consuming alcohol unchecked and unchallenged then you my dear, have a more serious problem than you first thought!

 

 

Does it mean that I am not able to love this woman and to give her happiness?

It means you have no right to assume you can or have the right to. She has to be the one to open that door, not you. You can neither demand nor expect it.

I am starting to see a psychologist in couple of days. I know that everything that happened was wrong and I just want to change it..

Then you will have to do that for yourself, by yourself, with no plan or ulterior motive regarding her. This must be with the sole aim of making you a better person for yourself, not for anyone else.

[M30USA]

Usually the violence, itself, is just the tip of the iceberg. Underneath the behavior there is usually a complicated pattern of manipulation, control and bullying. She might be scared of you as a whole person.

[dragon_fly_7]

Society does not like men who hit women. It is taboo.

 

She will never forgive you. Nor will her family or friends. And you are certainly not going to get any sympathy on this forum.

Pretty much it. I already had a couple of abusive men in my latino family (for some reason several men from latino background tend to have this tendency to hit and dominate; though my ex bf never lay a hand on me so he was an exception to the rule). Though I had never been abused before, I will not tolerate this bs from a potential bf or husband. In fact, I'll make sure he gets fully sentenced for assault as well as applying a restraining order and informing them that I never want that man near me in my life.

 

This isn't love to me. Love is about trusting, being faithful and feeling secured. Cheating and abuse doens't fall within those 3 categories.

Edited March 11, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[M30USA]

Pretty much it. I already had a couple of abusive men in my latino family (for some reason several men from latino background tend to have this tendency to hit and dominate; though my ex bf never lay a hand on me so he was an exception to the rule). Though I had never been abused before, I will not tolerate this bs from a potential bf or husband. In fact, I'll make sure he gets fully sentenced for assault as well as applying a restraining order and informing them that I never want that man near me in my life.

 

This isn't love to me. Love is about trusting, being faithful and feeling secured. Cheating and abuse doens't fall within those 3 categories.

 

Not to insult anyone, but speaking from observation and firsthand experience, I believe that Latinos, in general, are more likely to get physically violent in relationships (the men AND women). It's part of the culture to be intense and passionate, so in a way it's indirectly encouraged.

[mangetout]

OP I am glad to hear that you are making steps to change but I think you need to be prepared for the worse.

 

One of my exes hit me once when he was very drunk. He gave up drinking, did IC, sent me gifts, flowers, professed his love for over a year...but I couldn't take him back. I couldn't live in fear that he may hit me again in the future because once that gate opens...

 

Anyway I heard through the grapevine that he is in a new relationship and I am happy for him. But I am happier that I am not with him :-/

[jba10582]

You have a lot of good advice here. Please continue to take the steps that you as individual need to heal yourself because you need to do this for you first. It is hard to go through loving someone so much and having things like this happen, knowing you would have gone to hell for them, but in doing so you only find shattered pieces of yourself. I know this too well, and had been extremely hurt myself. The steps you are taking are positve and you are on the right track, so please continue the healing as long as you need too.

[RDawg]

Just an aside: What always amazes me is that if you came on here and said you cheated you would probably get more sympathy. People seem to think that cheating is forgivable,that if the cheater is trully remorseful that you can go to couples therapy and work things out and repair your relationship. Cheating is done in the sober light of day, it is premeditated and the ultimate act of betrayal.

 

But get drunk and lash out and you are an abuser and deserve no forgiveness. All you did was act on a base instinct, your lizard brain took over in that moment and you lost control. Beating your partner on more than one occaission whilst sober is very different to doing it once whilst drunk.

 

All men contain the capacity for violence. Just a couple of hundred years ago we were running around hacking each other to pieces with sharpened steel.

Edited March 13, 2014 by RDawg

[dragon_fly_7]

Just an aside: What always amazes me is that if you came on here and said you cheated you would probably get more sympathy. People seem to think that cheating is forgivable,that if the cheater is trully remorseful that you can go to couples therapy and work things out and repair your relationship. Cheating is done in the sober light of day, it is premeditated and the ultimate act of betrayal.

What people? To me, cheating from a man is just as unforgivable as if he were to hit me. Both are NO's to me; both are ultimate betrayals to me. If he loves me, then he would have both self-control (never even thinking about hurting me) and sexual values. So no, I would never forgive him either if he slept with someone else. Edited March 13, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[thinkingofhim]

I don't think cheating is really comparable to physical abuse. Cheating may be a flaw of character that can be fixed through therapy, etc. But violently lashing out out of anger and instinct, I don't know if that can be fixed through anything. I would personally rather stay with a remorseful cheater than a remorseful puncher.

[jba10582]

There is a book by Louis Hay that offers an interesting perspective in that a lot of underlying problems that manifest themselves have emotional roots that people struggle to overcome all the time that you would think are seemingly unrelated.

[RDawg]

I just want to say that as somone who has also hit their girlfriend I really like what you said here, jba10582 :

 

"It is hard to go through loving someone so much and having things like this happen, knowing you would have gone to hell for them, but in doing so you only find shattered pieces of yourself."

 

Truly one of the most poetic and insightful statements I have read on the shack.

 

I still think cheating is worse because that is done in the sober light of day, it is done with intent. But that's a silly debate probably, and off topic to this thread.

 

The guilt and sense of failure that comes with having been violent whilst drunk is horrible. In my case it gave my girlfriend the gap she needed to run for the hills, admitting on her way out that she had fallen out of love with me many months before. Her parting words: "I know in my heart of hearts that you are not the right person for me." If she really did love me I guess it would have been a lot worse for all concerned.

 

Five months later I am still a total mess. Moral of the story: dont hit women.

[VeronicaRoss]

I think she is considering to come back but not anytime in the next couple of days or even weeks..

 

What I have spotted there is one friend of her who is really trying to push her aside from me. Do you think there is any way to stop that..?

 

You do have a problem. Instead of being 100% focused on fixing what is broken in you, you're focused on what she's doing.

 

Here's the sick part of you: you think a few weeks is a long time for this situation to heal. Not drinking is only the start, it gives you a chance to see the problem inside of yourself.

 

You're also trying to figure out how to control whether she moves on or not and that's none of your business. You are not in a relationship, her life is not yours to control. You violated her trust and still don't know how to act in a respectful manner. You have a lot to learn about yourself before you should be considering a romantic relationship.

 

You need Alcoholics Anonymous or some other peer group where people know the games you play with yourself and others like no other group of people. Even a lot of mental health professionals don't get how tricky this can get, but peers will.

[jba10582]

It's extremely difficult if not impossible to fix shattered glass by mending the pieces without going through the (trial by) fire.

[lonegirl]

As someone who was abused TWICE by the man i loved the most in my whole life (twice because the first time he hit me i gave the stupid second chance, just to disappoint myself again and to carry a physical and mental scar that will never disappear), I hope this girl never fall into this trap again. Hitting someone YOU SUPPOSEDLY LOVE is not a mistake, it simple means YOU have a problem. She will find easily someone else to treat her as she deserves! Flowers?? Gimme a break. Sorry but i feel NO sympathy for abusers, male ou female.

[lonegirl]

Just an aside: What always amazes me is that if you came on here and said you cheated you would probably get more sympathy. People seem to think that cheating is forgivable,that if the cheater is trully remorseful that you can go to couples therapy and work things out and repair your relationship. Cheating is done in the sober light of day, it is premeditated and the ultimate act of betrayal.

 

Sorry, I survived both things coming from the same person. None of them are forgivable to me personally, but the scars left when you are deliberately abused by someone that says "I love you" every day are MUCH deeper and take much longer to heal. I can't forget his face in rage and the pain i felt 1 1/2 year later but I don't remember the other ways he betrayed me.