How to be a genuine guy and not end up in the friend zone.

[python23]

Hello all. I've recently joined a dating site and I've had mixed results so far, I've met 4 different girls over the past 7-8 weeks or so and I've probably text around 6-7.

 

 

One girl who I posted a thread about last week I met 7 times but the lets just be friends speech came out. The other 3 girls said a similar thing. They always seem to say. You're an amazing guy and all but I see you as a really close friend now.

 

 

Obviously I don't want to hear this. How do I change this. I can't help but who I am and when I'm texting these girls i act my self. I'm genuine, polite, always remember things they've told me. I never mention or push for sex, if the conversation gets abit cheeky il carry it on but I certainly don't look like that's all I want because I don't, I'd like a relationship.

 

I know I'm a great guy but why does this keep happening? Sometimes I wish I could act like a d*ck and be abit more forward but that's just not my nature. I'm not pushy. They text me first quite a lot so it's not like I'm harassing them. It just gets to a point where I want things to me forward then I get the same friendship speech. I'm texting a girl at the moment off that site and we had arranged to go for a meal on Saturday. Any tips or famous messages I can send to keep her wanting me, not just as friends?

[pickflicker]

There's no such thing as the friend zone. Almost all of your dates are going to flame out because that's just what dating is. I rejected a perfectly nice guy I've been on a couple of dates with yesterday, because I just wasn't attracted to him. He did nothing wrong, that's just how attraction works.

 

You just have to keep going out there, and keep trying.

[bolase]

No no no, you've got it all wrong.

 

Being yourself and having fun with them in a friendly way is the right way to go about getting to know people.

 

They aren't interested in you romantically because they aren't interested in you romantically.

 

You being an a**hole wouldn't change that - it would mean they wouldn't want to spend time with you at all.

 

It just that these particular girls aren't attracted to you.

 

If you're being yourself, you can't do more than that. I don't start liking a guy romantically because he acts like an a**hole, I like a guy romantically because I have a crush on him.

 

Do you get the picture? Eventually a girl who likes you in the way you want will come along.

 

Meanwhile having genuine girl friends is a great way to meet more girls!

[normal person]

 

Sometimes I wish I could act like a d*ck and be abit more forward but that's just not my nature. I'm not pushy.

 

You can be forward and not be a d*ck about it. That will emanate confidence which is attractive. The thing is, if a girl likes you enough, she'll probably want you to be forward. Girls are socialized to not be as proactive in this regard because it might come off too clingy, slutty, etc. They usually like men to make things happen, to take things a step further. If she likes you, she likes you. She wants something to happen but society says she needs to wait for you to take the reigns and do it. If you don't, she'll think you're scared, uninterested, or inept and she'll move on to someone else. You seem like a nice guy so I'm sure you can escalate things in a tasteful, non-pushy way.

[J21]

Sometimes it can be a euphemism for "I'm just that not into you" or "I'm seeing someone I'm more interested in".

 

I don't mean it to be harsh words or a slight on you at all.

 

OLD is a mixed bag and couple that up with they are probably multi dating like you as well.

 

At the end of the day, they have to like u for u.

 

Continue to be genuine and optimistic.

Edited March 3, 2014 by J21

[python23]

Thanks for the advice. It's just getting abit boring now hearing the same thing. And expensive. These dates aren't cheap. It's knowing when to move it forward without scaring her off. For example after 2-3 dates or how ever long it is until I feel it's right to maybe ask them to stay over, how to word it?

 

I've met girls in the past that are easy to talk to when it comes to sex because they've usually initiated it. But with girls I genuinely like I'm not sure how to go about it.

Edited March 3, 2014 by python23

[AnaisRose]

Girls like a confident "nice guy with an edge", the same way guys like a woman to have a bit of an edge and not "too nice" So be kind but don't become an a-hole. lol

 

If they're always the ones initiating, maybe you should be a little more proactive? Do you flirt with them or ever touch them (appropriately lol, like on the arm or something)? Do you decide on where you go for a date?

 

Do you try make any move on them like put your arm around her waist, kiss them after the 2nd date? Do you agree with everything they say?

 

I ask these questions because while I think it's great you aren't pushy with sex, being "too polite" will often make a girl feel like you're "just friends" so it's still good to make physical contact. So it might be that, it might just be the types of girls you're trying to date, or a bit of both.

[FrostBlaze]

Hello op, i'm just like you, more or less.

What everyone else says is true and i agree, just keep trying till you get the right ONE, however you could get increased chances even with the ones that offered "friendsHip" by just being more confident and PUSHY, just initiate.

I know you say you are not to pushy, nor am i, but just a little bit of IT goes a long way as i have "tested" it out.

 

"I never mention or push for sex, if the conversation gets abit cheeky il carry it on but I certainly don't look like that's all I want"

They really apreciate it if you initiate and make the first moves, sexually or w/e, don't worry they won't think of you as a horndog or something like that, they want it too, most of the time. Shows you are confident and that you want something and that you go for it.

Tends to make the difference betwen just friends and romentically involved.

 

Women like to see a man that know's what he is doing, not to teach them how to. By being nice all the time, you aren't really appealing, sexually, sad but true.

Edited March 3, 2014 by FrostBlaze

[mrnova66]

Girls like a confident "nice guy with an edge", the same way guys like a woman to have a bit of an edge and not "too nice" So be kind but don't become an a-hole. lol

 

If they're always the ones initiating, maybe you should be a little more proactive? Do you flirt with them or ever touch them (appropriately lol, like on the arm or something)? Do you decide on where you go for a date?

 

Do you try make any move on them like put your arm around her waist, kiss them after the 2nd date? Do you agree with everything they say?

 

I ask these questions because while I think it's great you aren't pushy with sex, being "too polite" will often make a girl feel like you're "just friends" so it's still good to make physical contact. So it might be that, it might just be the types of girls you're trying to date, or a bit of both.

Well I am not sure about the "Nice guy with a edge" I never known a drama king(drunk,jailbird,drug dealer,abuser,bum and bank robber) do without women. These winners always have women by their side. I hardly call a drama king "Nice guy with a edge" And to the OP. Sorry things are not going so well. And about a man not looking for a woman that is not TOO NICE. Well not this guy. I rather have a woman that is too nice than no nice at all. So that is up for debate. What man in the right mind that wants to be around a woman that cannot be nice. And by the way there is no such of a thing as 'TOO NICE" You never heard that term until the last 10 years. If I woman tells me that she does not want a man 'TOO NICE" Then she will get just that.. Then she moan and groan after the NOT SO NICE GUY is gone asking everybody where are all the nice guys.

Edited March 4, 2014 by mrnova66
spelling

[mrnova66]

Hello op, i'm just like you, more or less.

What everyone else says is true and i agree, just keep trying till you get the right ONE, however you could get increased chances even with the ones that offered "friendsHip" by just being more confident and PUSHY, just initiate.

I know you say you are not to pushy, nor am i, but just a little bit of IT goes a long way as i have "tested" it out.

 

"I never mention or push for sex, if the conversation gets abit cheeky il carry it on but I certainly don't look like that's all I want"

They really apreciate it if you initiate and make the first moves, sexually or w/e, don't worry they won't think of you as a horndog or something like that, they want it too, most of the time. Shows you are confident and that you want something and that you go for it.

Tends to make the difference betwen just friends and romentically involved.

 

Women like to see a man that know's what he is doing, not to teach them how to. By being nice all the time, you aren't really appealing, sexually, sad but true.

. So what are you trying to say. Just be nice sometimes. Also when should you be nice. I mean should it me in the middle of the month or at the end of the month. I swear these thread are comical. They are really funny. If I have to be nice when I feel like it to keep a woman. Well I rather no be inthat type of relationship. I mean what is the since. This NOT SO NICE has came out in the last 10 years or so. What is it. So kind of tug of war game. Or a man suppose to hide his nice side to get a woman. I swear no wonder society has went to crap. well here a idea. how about being nice all the time istead of playing the tug of war cam. well I be nice today. then tomorrow I will not be too nice so I can stay with a woman. I mean what logic is that? Also if a woman cannot respect a nice man and leaves himfor that, then she done him a favor. Women like that usually end up with NOT TOO NICE of a guy. Then she cam moan and whine about she is tired of not finding a nice guy. I usually leave these types of women alone. they do not know anything about a nice guy!!!

[phineas]

OP, I used to be like you.

Except you seem to actually get more dates than me. LOL!

 

But, of the dates I did get, a few ended up with me having sex.

Once I got more comfortable with the fact women do in fact like sex I got bolder..

 

I also learned to recognize when they were actually into me as opposed to just bored (which women on dating sites can be) and just looking for some schlep to entertain them.

 

so when I see genuine signs a woman is actually into me I make the move.

Put my arm around them for instance.

If they are into me they don't have a problem with that.

If they have a problem then they are either leading me on with false interest or cray cray.

 

I always walk her out to the car & I go for the kiss.

She may not want to kiss on the first date (and that is fine) so I don't push it & get the hug.

 

If she is into you, she won't mind you tried & you'll get that kiss on the 2nd date.

If she freaks, she again is either leading you on or is cray cray.

 

Not a 100% rule but as you said, if they are acting "cheeky" I always go for it because why the hell are they acing that way with a guy they are not attracted too?

 

Also, take them somewhere with live music & get them a few drinks.

Stop buying dinner or even spending more than $30 on a woman who isn't sleeping with you.

 

I've spent very little money on the women who have slept with me and after that they still didn't want me taking them out & spending money on them and even paid for me a few times.

They just wanted to spend time with me and were not looking for a free meal or a night drinking.

Edited March 4, 2014 by phineas

[ascendotum]

Thanks for the advice. It's just getting abit boring now hearing the same thing. And expensive. These dates aren't cheap.

Apart from the advice already given, I want to add don't take them on expensive dates, thought I guess 'expensive' can be relative when you don't have much money. Still focus on the first meet & greet costing you not much more than a drink. Look for date activities that cost bugger all in your city. Given how frustrating OLD can be for guys, don't bust your wallet on women you hardly know, who are quite possibly dating other prospects and a number of who will give you the 'I see you more as a friend' line after a couple of dates.

[scooby-philly]

Hey,

 

I hear you on this. I've gone out with 7-8 girls, talked with more through OLD in the past 7-8 months. Only 1 did I get physical with - though I'm doing out tomorrow with someone for the 4th time - we'll see.

 

I think we need more info to help. There are a lot of things that put you in the friend zone. But, it's not all you. Women want a lot of things - or at least they're conditioned to look for the "perfect package" if they don't ever really have deep conversations with themselves and gain a little self-awareness. (True for men, but we tend to need help in de-selecting women) So, give us some more info. You could be not coming on strong enough. You could be missing clues early on - which I know I do sometimes because I can be a bit, um, block-headed.

Take control of a situation, but give her options. If that doesn't make sense, when it does you'll realize something.

 

Again, though, some of it may have to do not with what you're doing but with who you are attracting online.

[AnaisRose]

Well I am not sure about the "Nice guy with a edge" I never known a drama king(drunk,jailbird,drug dealer,abuser,bum and bank robber) do without women. These winners always have women by their side. I hardly call a drama king "Nice guy with a edge" And to the OP. Sorry things are not going so well. And about a man not looking for a woman that is not TOO NICE. Well not this guy. I rather have a woman that is too nice than no nice at all. So that is up for debate. What man in the right mind that wants to be around a woman that cannot be nice. And by the way there is no such of a thing as 'TOO NICE" You never heard that term until the last 10 years. If I woman tells me that she does not want a man 'TOO NICE" Then she will get just that.. Then she moan and groan after the NOT SO NICE GUY is gone asking everybody where are all the nice guys.

 

To me "nice with an edge" doesn't meant a drama king or the examples you provided. My definition of nice guy with an edge is a man who is confident, kind hearted but not a pushover. Self proclaimed nice guys who say they always get friend zoned think it's because they're nice. It's not because they're nice, they often lack the assertiveness that most women find attractive, or they never flirt or act a little daring sexually, like the suggestions I mentioned. So-called jerks have that assertiveness so women are attracted to that confidence a lot of the time. This makes some men think that women generally like jerks but most don't actually want that guy as a husband, they're just attracted to their confidence level.

 

As being "too nice", it's a euphemism for doormat so I'll say doormat instead, lol. Men often walk over a woman who is agreeable to everything they say, except those men who want to control and abuse her, or want an easy woman for just sex. No one is saying a woman shouldn't be kind or should act like crazy. But honestly, would you want to be with a woman who tries to agree with and accept everything you do just to impress you? (the one who fits "doormat") Or would you want to be with someone who kind but still has her own mind, and isn't afraid to express in a loving way when she disagrees?

 

I use to be the girl who was a doormat with not enough boundaries (except about sex and physical abuse), bending over backwards for every guy, trying to be extra nice, and I was always the one who was emotionally hurt and walked over. A lot of these guys would end up with a crazy girl so I thought men liked b*****es for awhile but it's not that. Once again, it's about the confidence level of the crazy chicks was often higher than mine.

 

 

Authenticity and confidence is generally more attractive to people than being nice for the sake of it.

[Eggplant]

It just gets to a point where I want things to me forward then I get the same friendship speech.

What do you mean by "move forward"? If you are telling them you want to move forward and be in a relationship because you have feelings for them, and you've only been on several dates, that might ironically kill something that might have been. I'd be conservative with the professions of feelings and emotions too quickly. Not sure whether you're doing that.

[python23]

What do you mean by "move forward"? If you are telling them you want to move forward and be in a relationship because you have feelings for them, and you've only been on several dates, that might ironically kill something that might have been. I'd be conservative with the professions of feelings and emotions too quickly. Not sure whether you're doing that.

 

What I'm saying is, the last girl for example I dated 7 times. On the 4th date ( on her 21st birthday) she stayed over. We didn't have sex which I respected. I had met her best friend and her boy friend twice. So I think I was quite within my right to test the bounderies. I sent the messages a little naughtier than normal and all I got was "behave" I even offered her to stay over again.

 

After 7 dates I think anyone wants to know where it's going, especially after no signs of sex. Didn't want to waste anymore time or money being a double date partner for her while she didn't have a boy friend because that's what I had become in the end.

 

Like i said, I'm supposed to be meeting another girl on Saturday night. Before then though I'd like to come across as more confident and abit cheeky. I know I can do that but I always seem to act the polite nice guy. Should I be a little more risky as to what I say. This girl does pole dancing lessons for fitness and she's got quite a sexy tattoo on her leg so I wouldn't mind telling her that. But I always feel like I might come across as if I'm just there for sex. I'm probably thinking too much into it. I'm like this with most girls I meet. I don't take risks and therefore I end up in the friend zone.

[mrnova66]

To me "nice with an edge" doesn't meant a drama king or the examples you provided. My definition of nice guy with an edge is a man who is confident, kind hearted but not a pushover. Self proclaimed nice guys who say they always get friend zoned think it's because they're nice. It's not because they're nice, they often lack the assertiveness that most women find attractive, or they never flirt or act a little daring sexually, like the suggestions I mentioned. So-called jerks have that assertiveness so women are attracted to that confidence a lot of the time. This makes some men think that women generally like jerks but most don't actually want that guy as a husband, they're just attracted to their confidence level.

 

As being "too nice", it's a euphemism for doormat so I'll say doormat instead, lol. Men often walk over a woman who is agreeable to everything they say, except those men who want to control and abuse her, or want an easy woman for just sex. No one is saying a woman shouldn't be kind or should act like crazy. But honestly, would you want to be with a woman who tries to agree with and accept everything you do just to impress you? (the one who fits "doormat") Or would you want to be with someone who kind but still has her own mind, and isn't afraid to express in a loving way when she disagrees?

 

I use to be the girl who was a doormat with not enough boundaries (except about sex and physical abuse), bending over backwards for every guy, trying to be extra nice, and I was always the one who was emotionally hurt and walked over. A lot of these guys would end up with a crazy girl so I thought men liked b*****es for awhile but it's not that. Once again, it's about the confidence level of the crazy chicks was often higher than mine.

 

 

Authenticity and confidence is generally more attractive to people than being nice for the sake of it.

I have to disagree. I have yet to see a drama king without a woman by his side. I mean lets get real here. I hardy call a bum,drug addict,jailbird,abuser and bank robber a confident person. I cannot speak for anybody elses experiences on life. But I have yet to see any of these winners single. Most are married, but never single. As far as the logic. "TOO NICE" No such of a thing. In order to have that type of thinking. Then that person wants somebody NOT TOO Nice. That is exactly what they will get. I have seen it so many times. So many women are insecure around a good guy. They do not want him. They rather have a drama king. I mean lets face the facts.Either a guy is nice or a drama king. Sorry there is no middle ground. Either you are a good person or a bad person. It is a choice. If a woman wants a good man she will look for a good man. If she does not. Then she will end up with MR. Drama KING (drunk,drug addict,jailbird or a bank robber) The choice is hers. But meanwhile back at the ranch when the NOT TOO NICE done had his fun he is out of the picture waiting for the next woman in line. These winner do not look for women. These women come to him. Even pick him up in their car. Because MR. Not too nice has no car or drivers license as a result of 10 duis. Then the other woman that he left can whine and groan and yell.. "WHERE ARE ALL THE NICE GUYS"

Edited March 4, 2014 by mrnova66

[carhill]

OP, there's two things you'll get from a woman that you won't get from your best friend:

 

1. Sex

 

2. Female affection

 

FWIW, my exW and I were an exclusive couple and having sex after seven 'dates' and I'm notoriously slow and reticent in my style of pursuing women.

 

The key is constantly progressing. The main reason you're with her, dating at all, is #1 and #2. Everything else you can get from/give to your best friend. Don't waste time beating around the bush. Beat the bush. That doesn't mean pushing for PIV sex after a date or two. It means *progressing*, both sexually and with affection and emotional bonding.

 

If she's not up for that, move on! At worst, you'll more time to spend with your best friend and that's a good thing! Women have their place in your life but always keep them in perspective. They're not the be-all and end-all of living.

 

I'll be interested to see what my response will be the next time a woman tells me to 'behave'. Ha! Looking forward to that!

[Silver93]

At the moment I'd say I would be very likely to end up in the friend zone

If there is a girl I like I would open doors for her, compliment her, listen to her and do everything I can to please her. Playing it cool doesn't really come into my mind when it comes to girls

[mrnova66]

At the moment I'd say I would be very likely to end up in the friend zone

If there is a girl I like I would open doors for her, compliment her, listen to her and do everything I can to please her. Playing it cool doesn't really come into my mind when it comes to girls

There is some truth in your post. Most women see respectful/kindness as weekness. This is why you see a self-proclaim bad guy/jerk have no problem woman asking this winner out on a date. Remember the big mouth kid in high school. he had no problem girls asking him out. You know the arrogant type(been everywhere,done everything,seen everybody,got everything) And these winners tell everybody in the world about he is the best. Women love him like bees on honey. But a guy that has substance and back up what he siads. Then she will just be friends with him. But the jerk. The drama king and Mr. Arrogant has no problems. what do you expect. He is a self-proclaim bad guy

[melell]

Be genuine, and wait for someone to come along who appreciates that.

 

It is fairly obvious the girls do like the 'bad boy' and what not, I myself have to actively avoid that because I do find it attractive... even though I know it is not fun to be in a relationship with one.

 

From experiencing the other side of it I do really appreciate genuine, good people now.

 

Don't waste your time on girls who chase that kind of thing, you are better off single.

[Woggle]

Jerks and scum get the kind of women no self respecting man should want so why get mad over it. They are doing most guys a favor by separating the quality from the women who will give you nothing but headaches. I don't know why men think it is some accomplishment to get a bunch of drama addicts to want to sleep with him.

 

I got a true quality woman who had high standards to want to share her life with me by being a genuine guy. I consider that an accomplishment since she certainly had options before me.

[BDL]

Make your intentions clear! Do be pushy for intimacy and sex. If she refuses, then pull back and try again a little while later. Keep advancing. Be confident and dont idolize her or put her on a pedestal. Challenge her and treat her at times like your bratty little sister. But also treat her with kindness and consideration, but not niceness... there is a difference!