anopenbook Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I know that I am extremely codependent-or atleast I have been for the past 20 years. My mother was bipolar & an alcoholic & my Dad was an alcoholic. I moved out of the house at 14 years old. I married at 16, had my daughter at 17. I am still married. I have find myself in constant self destructive behavior! For me it is affairs. I am 31 years old. I don't like my husband. He is not mean to me. In fact, most people envy me because he is so "perfect." After going to counseling 5 years ago I realized that I chose my husband because to me he was more like a father figure than anything. I was also homeless at the time. I desperately want out of this marriage! I don't want to disrupt his life though, not to mention my daughters. Is this why I do this? He is really good to me. However, I resent him SO much because I gave into his needs & neglected my own for so long. I should only be mad at ME. This is what is really weird. I feel like I have mad HIM codependent. After I told him about the affairs, he changed even more & is now trying even harder to keep this marriage together. Why don't I want to keep it together? I want to go back to school. I want my daughter to see me happy. She says I am always in a bad mood. I guess I am because I don't want to be married. I have tried to sugar coat & shorten the truth here. Can you help me? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 So get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by anopenbook I have tried to sugar coat & shorten the truth here. Can you help me? only you can help yourself ANOPENBOOK: you both need to seperate for six months or so and live apart and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I guess I don't understand. Your husband is really good to you, he wants to keep your marriage together, but you don't like him. Why is it you don't like him, and why don't you want to be married? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by anopenbook Why don't I want to keep it together? I want to go back to school. I want my daughter to see me happy. She says I am always in a bad mood. I guess I am because I don't want to be married. I have tried to sugar coat & shorten the truth here. Can you help me? Getting a divorce is not going to bring you instant happiness. Neither is going back to school. You can go back to school while you are still married. You can separate right now and see if that helps. You need to find the root cause of your unhappiness because no matter where you go or what you do, you will always be YOU. You can't escape from yourself, no matter how much you change your environment. I moved across the country once and tried to be the idealized person I wanted to be by changing jobs, going to school, wearing different clothes, going different places, and trying to act the way I wanted to see myself. I was like a soap-opera caricature of the perfect woman. All surface and no substance -- I had brought myself with me and I only covered myself with a fake persona. I finally found that the root cause of my unhappiness was what I had been unable to change -- my self. You can't buy self-esteem. Low or no self-esteem can be covered up with new relationships, educational degrees, new jobs and nice clothes, but those things are only covers. Get into some intensive therapy. See a doctor to see if you have depression and medication might help. Medications like Prozac are not a replacement for therapy or a cure for depression or low self-esteem; they only aid in how you are able to perceive and receive therapy. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Well...I'm not going to sugar-coat this response. You have affairs because YOU CHOOSE to have them. You go on a lot about how wonderful your husband is, and you don't like him. I don't buy off a lot of the psycho-babble about WHY someone does something...you do what you do because that is what YOU CHOOSE to do. Hey...I had a lousy childhood too. Lots of "reasons" why I could behave badly and justify it...but I CHOOSE NOT TO. And when I catch myself doing something that I shouldn't, I STOP, and work to fix the problem. My advice...get counseling ASAP. You mention a couple of personality disorders, which suggest that you've already had some...have you tried marriage counseling? Have you done ANYTHING to work on your relationship with your husband? Good luck friend...don't take my blunt post as an attack, and feel free to keep posting here...hopefully you'll make some friends here who can help you work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
tiki Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Anopenbook, you seriously need to get a grip. Take a look at what's going on. Get more counseling. But seriously, get a grip. And by the way, you can go to school WHILE you're married. People do it all the time, myself being one of them. Check into online classes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I agree with Owl. Work on yourself...Get some therapy. You need to for YOU and YOUR children. We all have things in our past, some worse unfortunately than others...But we get to an age when we have to fix our crap. We know better and just have to push forward and deal with it otherwise it can ruin lives. Your husband probably knows something isn't right at home. You need to tell him what is going on. It is just not fair to him...Don't do him any favours by staying to make him happy and not disrupt your family. Kids are smart and pick on stuff - Even if you think they don't. You and your husband are laying out the ground work for them and how they perceive relationships...This stays with them forever...I am not saying this to be mean, so please do not think that at all... You need to decide what you want. Either fix the marriage, learn to see your husband as YOUR HUSBAND, love him and be a wife, go to couples therapy...Or leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anopenbook Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 Originally posted by Owl My advice...get counseling ASAP. You mention a couple of personality disorders, which suggest that you've already had some...have you tried marriage counseling? Have you done ANYTHING to work on your relationship with your husband? Yes, I have done what I have thought was the right thing. I constantly give into what he wants. I please him so that I won't have to watch him pout. He has told me numerous times..."you know you could have anything you want, if I got what I wanted." This makes me feel like a piece of meat! My husband IS VERY good to me. He does not hit me. He has a very quiet way of controlling me. I guess I "CHOOSE" to let him though, huh? I DO love him, I just don't like him & I feel like I am constantly being degrading. He does not come out & call me names or anything like that but, he does have a way of crushing my spirit. He tells me all the time that no other man will ever love me the way he does. He also says that no other will put up with my crap. I have been to Christian counseling, but only alone. I have also taken anti-depressants. They just make me want to leave him more. I am afraid of what he will say to me if I say NO! I don't want sex so I say NO! He gets mad. He has got "it" at least once a week since we have been married...except for the times when I was taking the anti-depressants & after I had my daughter. I feel normal when I take them, but it screws his sex life up. I stop taking them & start hating him. My Dr. told me that while I was taking the medication that it was the "real me" & that I need to take the medication more than 6 months. My husband barely goes 6 days. I DO TRY! I really do. Just for the record...I have never had an affair while taking medication. I have only had 2. I really think I could learn to enjoy sex, making love, whatever it is, IF I did NOT feel obligated to do it. Maybe that IS WHY i have had affairs...because I know that I AM IN CONTROL! I do it because I WANT IT>>>HA! Maybe I just answered my question. Good gief! I really AM A FUITCAKE! Link to post Share on other sites
kayC Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Thats what it all come down too. You need control in your life and you need to take control. I'm not saying take control of him but of you. You say he tells you no other man will love you like he does. Well i'm sorry girlfriend thats abuse and he is belittleing you. I say its time to wake up and relize you were a child entering into an adult relationship. (i've been there and out) Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Your H may add to your unhappiness but he is not the source of it, you are. If the anti-depressants are making you feel worse, then go back to your doctor and have him/her change them for another type. Consider taking the great advice Guest gave you and hold off on making any life changing decisions for the next couple of months. Remember that emotionally based decisions often come back and bite us on the behind. Good luck. TMCM Link to post Share on other sites
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