Akynos Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 Basically we've been friends for a few months, and she's been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. I've seen a lot of signs that she likes me, for instance : Hugging, random touches on the arms/legs, playful slapping, smile very often, laugh at my jokes, staring and smiling at me for long periods of time, almost always standing next to me, texting me regulary asking me how I'm doing, worried about me, seemingly annoyed when I mention other girls, etc. We have been hanging out (coffee, bars, movies, etc) always just us two, so don't really know her friends. She is very shy and hardly talks about herself. She is generally pretty quiet, even. I know all of this screams ''she wants you'', but it gets more complicated... When I admitted my feelings for her she basically said that she couldn't promise me anything, that she couldnt leave her boyfriend like that after such a long time, and that however it wasn't a 'no' and that her feelings weren't deep enough. We kept meeting the same way as before, but although I do not have very deep feelings for her I do have some. She also told me I was her closest friend. My main issue is: Does she only see me as a close friend? Do the signs that show attraction are only signs of close friendship? I cannot define whether she is attracted to me or if all the touching/flirting is a misunderstanding on my part, and this is just her way to let me know she likes me solely as a close friend. Is there some way I can tell the difference between both without direct confrontation? Thank you for your time ! Link to post Share on other sites
AnaisRose Posted March 3, 2014 Share Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) "Basically we've been friends for a few months, and she's been in a long distance relationship for 2 years. I've seen a lot of signs that she likes me, for instance : Hugging, random touches on the arms/legs, playful slapping, smile very often, laugh at my jokes, staring and smiling at me for long periods of time, almost always standing next to me, texting me regulary asking me how I'm doing, worried about me, seemingly annoyed when I mention other girls, etc." She might be naturally friendly, some girls are like that. I do all the above you mentioned with pretty much any guy, except the texting regularly to check on them or hanging out often one on one in date like situations -- I don't make that a habit with guys I see as just friends. But I give both my male and female friends hugs, smile a lot, laugh easily, tap people on the shoulder, etc. As for her acting a bit jealous, she might enjoy the extra attention you give her. Guys and girls can get like that even when they like you as a friend but don't want a relationship with you. Consider it the "dog in a manger" mentality. I've had guys who didn't want anything serious behave that way with me too, it's annoying. "When I admitted my feelings for her she basically said that she couldn't promise me anything, that she couldnt leave her boyfriend like that after such a long time, and that however it wasn't a 'no' and that her feelings weren't deep enough. We kept meeting the same way as before, but although I do not have very deep feelings for her I do have some. She also told me I was her closest friend." She's saying how she feels right here so I would believe that. I'd say if she has a boyfriend, respect that and don't read too much into it. Women often change their mind about men. If she wants you instead, she'll find a way to let you know. But she's less likely to start feeling anything with you if you are always there for her--the mistake both men and women make when they want to be seen as more than just a friend. She'll see you as just a friend if you're so available to hang out while she's in a long distance relationship. Edited March 3, 2014 by AnaisRose Link to post Share on other sites
Author Akynos Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 Thanks for the answer Anais ! I have to say its still tough to see clearly for me, since the signs she exhibits always seem to go far beyond friendship...I know this would be subjective, but every person I've told about her told me they were certain she had feelings. Despite her saying it didn't go beyond friendship, I can't understand her actions and reactions.. A simple example would be that today I wanted to call off a meeting I had insisted to do a few days earlier, stating there was no need to meet up anymore since I was feeling better ( trying to distance myself + had a bit of work) and she ended up really mad and hurt... I had a few female friends before and none reacted that way...for a rule of thumb, I could actually see them as guys and it would be normal. If she were a guy, it would be obvious flirting and very uncomfortable... But are those still things that shy girls do with a close male friend? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Thanks for the answer Anais ! I have to say its still tough to see clearly for me, since the signs she exhibits always seem to go far beyond friendship...I know this would be subjective, but every person I've told about her told me they were certain she had feelings. Despite her saying it didn't go beyond friendship, I can't understand her actions and reactions.. A simple example would be that today I wanted to call off a meeting I had insisted to do a few days earlier, stating there was no need to meet up anymore since I was feeling better ( trying to distance myself + had a bit of work) and she ended up really mad and hurt... I had a few female friends before and none reacted that way...for a rule of thumb, I could actually see them as guys and it would be normal. If she were a guy, it would be obvious flirting and very uncomfortable... But are those still things that shy girls do with a close male friend? Ask her if her boyfriend knows about you, and how much time you two spend alone together. Her answer will be very telling. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Akynos Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) I never asked her, but I'm 99% sure she didn't tell him about me...especially since she never told me she had a boyfriend and I had to discover it by myself. In fact, she only referred to him once, as ''you-know-who''. And if she had told him about me, she wouldn't tell him that we're seeing each other regulary. However if I was to ask her I wouldn't exactly know what she would say. Can't ask tonight, since I may not see her since she's hurt... I'm not really worried about the boyfriend though. She said it was difficult with him, that when they met up it wasn't good because of her, she never said she couldn't go out with me because she has a boyfriend...her ''no'' came from her not having the same feelings. She also said she couldnt ''leave him like that after 2 years''. I mean, none of that remotely implies much fidelity imo. Edited March 5, 2014 by Akynos Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Well; if you were to become her boyfriend, would you like her to hang out with other guys behind your back as she does with you? Do you think she'd change her ways if you were her BF? Answer: no. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I never asked her, but I'm 99% sure she didn't tell him about me...especially since she never told me she had a boyfriend and I had to discover it by myself. In fact, she only referred to him once, as ''you-know-who''. And if she had told him about me, she wouldn't tell him that we're seeing each other regulary. However if I was to ask her I wouldn't exactly know what she would say. Can't ask tonight, since I may not see her since she's hurt... "Does your boyfriend know about me? Does he know that we spend a lot of time alone together?" It really is that simple. What is she hurt about, exactly? That you couldn't meet? Or did you cancel on her with no warning, or rudely, or...? Don't let her hurt feelings get you down or make you feel too guilty. If her boyfriend knows nothing about you, can you imagine how upset he'd be to discover his girl is secretly hanging out alone with a mystery man (to whom she did not mention she was taken?) She kept him a secret for a reason. I'd be very cautious with this...sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I never asked her, but I'm 99% sure she didn't tell him about me...especially since she never told me she had a boyfriend and I had to discover it by myself. In fact, she only referred to him once, as ''you-know-who''. And if she had told him about me, she wouldn't tell him that we're seeing each other regulary. However if I was to ask her I wouldn't exactly know what she would say. Can't ask tonight, since I may not see her since she's hurt... I'm not really worried about the boyfriend though. She said it was difficult with him, that when they met up it wasn't good because of her, she never said she couldn't go out with me because she has a boyfriend...her ''no'' came from her not having the same feelings. She also said she couldnt ''leave him like that after 2 years''. I mean, none of that remotely implies much fidelity imo. Well, exactly. She's shady. Do not want! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Akynos Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 I wouldn't like it, but technically she isn't cheating, as she said we were friends. I hardly know anything of whats going on with her boyfriend, but as far as I know they are not doing too well together. Trust me, she's not the kind of girl who will cheat I'm pretty sure she has made LOTS of efforts, especially since they have been in a LDR for two years now. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I wouldn't like it, but technically she isn't cheating, as she said we were friends. I hardly know anything of whats going on with her boyfriend, but as far as I know they are not doing too well together. Trust me, she's not the kind of girl who will cheat I'm pretty sure she has made LOTS of efforts, especially since they have been in a LDR for two years now. She apparently is the kind of girl who will lie by omission, and keep her boyfriend in the dark about her activities with another guy. Consequently, she is the kind of girl who can't fully be trusted. Doesn't speak too highly of her, really. But if you don't have feelings and plan on only being friends, that shouldn't matter. Just don't consider her to be any type of relationship material - she isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Akynos Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 Thanks for letting me know. I'll look at it with a different angle now. I'd still like to know her own feelings though? This is my main concern. Do you guys have any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
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