Should You Let Sleeping Dogs Lie???

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Do you also chose to walk away? To give up?

 

Isn't infidelty walking away and giving up on the relationship? No one is "driven" to cheat. You choose to cheat or choose not to.

[CurlyIam]

All my "smart a*s" replies are over to your question. To tell you the truth... I don't know.

 

Physically cheating, yes. I think you are right. But if we're into emotionally cheating... I so wish you were right.

[tanbark813]

I suppose it can be said that physical actions are easier to control than emotions, but I think with either form of cheating, the cheater knows ahead of time if they are putting themself into a situation that they know they shouldn't. I also think people have a tendancy to justify the emotional cheating simply because it's not physical (yet). In that sense, emotional affairs may appear at the beginning to be less harmful, and so one may let their guard down a bit and allow it to escalate into more.

 

Emotional affairs are more involved and more complicated than a drunken one-night stand, but in any act of cheating, the cheater knows--at least at one point along the series of events--that they are doing something they shouldn't be doing. They then choose whether or not to proceed. As such, I stand by my statement in my last post.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by CurlyIam

Sorry, owl, I meant the fact that all men posting here were casting the stone. That none of them not even as much wondered if maybe, just maybe, that was the whole situation.

 

That's because when it comes to infidelity, one's gut instincts are more often right than they are wrong.

 

TMCM

[CurlyIam]

TMCM

 

I think it's much easier to give in to your fears and to believe what's worse than spending the time to look at the facts and not draw conclusions. I think that by not putting the "guitly" sign over one person's neck, one admits the possibility that they are innocent. This possibility scares us. It implies that we might be vulnerable and thus, there can be a possibility to get badly hurt. Again.

 

I don't know, TMCM. One does what one thinks is right. I for one, prefer to "have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". Replace "love" with "trust". It's a philosophy of life.

 

Tan

 

Cutie, I am unable to theorize on what drives people to emotional affairs. Whether it's a been or it's misery... I admit my impossibility to categorise its forms. Therefor I try not to pass any judgement on it. Please notice that I am talking about moments of weakness, emotional affairs, a kiss, not engaging in an affair which is totally different and which I 100% blame and find unexcusable.

[TMCM]

I think it's much easier to give in to your fears and to believe what's worse than spending the time to look at the facts and not draw conclusions.

 

Allow me to paraphrase you. I think it's easier to give in to your fears because of denial and to beleive what's best rather than spending the time looking at the facts and drawing conclusions from them.

 

TMCM

[CurlyIam]

May I add something? When you have facts. When it's about drawing conclusions.... Denial, please! Obsession, maybe. Thinking automatically that your gf is cheating may hide inferiority complexes.

 

Assuming myself, accepting my weakness and the weaknesses of those around me give me peace. I'm aware of them, but frankly, having a bf questioning me, what I am, what I represent, questioning what I say I've done... hell, I'm leaving the guy, it's not him leaving me!!!!

[tanbark813]

So, Curly, you've never questioned a bf before? You've always just assumed that they're being honest with you?

[CurlyIam]

I sure did question him. Several times, to tell you the truth .

 

 

For instance, his ex kept sending him messages. Like a lot!!! I told him that this made me feel uncomfortable and suggested him that since they haven't seen eachother in a long time, he could have lunch with her, meet her, talk to her and deal with it. As in stop this "highschool" like behaviour.

 

He didn't really want to, but later on followed my avice. He took her to dinner, to a restaurant she chose (expensive one) and they talked and that was it.

 

Of course, the cherry on the pie is that she still sends him messages. So a couple of days ago I told him that it was the last time I was to mention this, but maybe he should actually ask her what on Earth is he to tell her. Annoying.

 

The ball is in his court. I trust that he tells me everything (he did this so far) and I respect myself enough not to make a scene about what another girl is doing. I'm certainly not jelaous of her, I simply feel ... uncomfortable. And I do intend to drop this subject as he certainly did understand my point. I mean, if he feels like seeing her, sleeping with her, talking to her, he can do it. I certainly am never gonna find out. So there you go. He knows my pov. And he loves me. And it's his choice. And I respect that.

 

MAybe I'm a fool for doing so. MAybe I'm not. But that's how I feel.

[Moose]

I mean, if he feels like seeing her, sleeping with her, talking to her, he can do it. I certainly am never gonna find out.

 

Curly, you deserve better than that and you know it. If he ever does decide to cheat on you, I want first dibbs on kicking him square in the nutts!

[CurlyIam]

Moose, you are one nice man!

 

I am not sure I was clear (you remember, with English not being my native language). I meant that at times, no matter how much we try to control it, if the SO wants to cheat, he will cheat.

 

I know that we have a very nice going relationship, we love eachother and respect eachother. He certainly saw I didn't like the intrusion. So my making a jealous fiss all over the place isn't gonna make our relationship any richer. He should do whan a man is supposed to do. I trust he will.

 

And I refuse to make him cal her and tell her off under my very eyes for the same reason.

[tanbark813]

So then if you've questioned your bf in the past (and you had every right to, IMO), then why are you giving the OP such a hard time (and others who are posting in support of him) for wondering what his wife was really up to? I would think he has enough details to wonder what really went on.

[FolderWife]

Sorry, but I didn't make time to read the entire thread before posting.

 

I too did this...went to a party without my husband that lasted until about three a.m. I sorta held hands for a second with a guy that I was EXTREMELY attracted to, and he invited me to his room to "talk" but thankfully, I turned him down.

 

I wasn't going through a hard time with my husband or anything...it was just some attraction from nowhere.

 

So, i went home, and loved my husband. I still think about the other guy, but I avoid him at all costs, for the fear of falling for him.

 

So she could be telling the truth. I didn't tell my husband about the party guy though, because I didn't want to hurt him. There's nothing we can do about it now.

[CurlyIam]

I don't give him a hard time for asking. I think he's tourmenting himself and is about to draw a conclusion, despite the fact that ... he hasn't got facts. It's normal to ask. To know. To demand explinations. I give him a hard time for not seeing where he is.

 

At least from my pov, from my relationship's pov, One also must stop. Accept his/her SO faults and move on. Especially when he's got no alternative.

 

 

 

Tan, I ask you something: can he have facts? Can he get a medical certificate proving she in't have sex that night? Can he have a witness saying they slept in separate rooms? Can he have the OM swearing they only hel hands? Can he?

 

Ok. Look at the context. She was a loving wife. Never cheated, or wanted to. That man impressed her with something, and got to spend some time alone with her. Is this reason enough to drive himself crazy like that?Of course. But in the end, Tan, if a woman wants to cheat, she tells everyone she is off buying bread and f*cks the breadmaker. Will you ever know? Could you ever tell? At one point, his wife will be alone again. Free will, Tan!

 

His wife chose him. She chose sharing. She didn't have to. She explained her choice.

 

I an very curious, Tan, what does our friend want to know? What prove does he need? He already knows everything. IMO, he's stuck. Moving on involves believing. Making up his mind. Quitting asking.

[tanbark813]

I agree that he can never know for sure. I'm not saying that he can. And no, he doesn't know everything right now. He's trying to make up his mind and sort things out. He has a few facts, but wants more. Hence the motivation to ask. He may not get the full story, but he might get enough new details to finally make up his mind one way or another.

 

I understand that she (and everyone else) has free will and if she really wants to cheat, there's nothing he can do to stop her. But I think he's entitled to that information. It doesn't make him a bad guy to wonder what his wife really did that night.

 

It seems like the second a man wants to question his wife's actions, women get all bent out of shape and call him "controlling".

[CurlyIam]

My turn to say that generalisations suck!

 

I agree that he needs to ask. But to tell you the truth, I took a strong position not only because of my convictions, but because I thought that him hearing fromother guys "she cheated", "I'd dump the hell out of her" etc etc might make him more confused.

 

HE's got all the right in the world to be confused. If you read again my posts, you'll see that it's not his hesitation, but his drawing conclusions that got me started.

 

It's a dead end situation. Just like in my case. If I continue to harass my bf about his ex, he'll be at witts end with it. Because it's his friend, his decision. If I continue to ask, I put tension on my relationship and accomplish... nada! I simply have to forget about that. And at one point he will tell me what he decides.

 

If he continues to ask and ask and ask and ask again what he will accomplish is getting his wife faaar away from him. Adding pressure. IT's his right. Until when? I'm afraid of this type of situations. The best way out is to fin it in himself to decide whether he believes her or not. And then either forget about it (as in not even thinking about it) or ask for some time alone.

 

My 2 cents, anyway.

[tanbark813]

Fair enough.

[sleepingdogs]

Hi All and thanks for all your very interesting posts that really got me thinking.

 

My conclusion to this is as follows:

 

I am not sure that my wife cheated on me PHYSICALLY that night and after 11 years, I do owe her the trust that she's earned and will say that she didn't. (I think out of respect for me)

 

However she DID cheat on me EMOTIONALLY by being attracted to another man and for a few days thinking about the possibility of seeing him again.

 

To her, I think this emotionnal cheating was the most important thing and whether she physically cheated or not is irrelevant.

 

I guess I will let it go, thank my good fortune that she did end up picking me but it shows you how fragile a relationship can be.

My wife and I fell in love at first sight and have been passionately in love with each other for ever and yet, the right event (a wedding), the right mood (a beautiful beach at sunset) and the right guy (a handsome succesful single) can screw up EVERYTHING...

[CurlyIam]

Yeah, I know... I know it will take ages for you to get over it . The most important thing, IMO is that you're convince that your marriage worths your trouble. I don't what else to say, except maybe "I hope you stay long enough on LS to tell us that you're happy " .