Feeling lost making amends

[tempworker]

I'm at a loss making amends with my wife. We've been together for almost 4 years, and been married for close to two years. We're coming out of a very rocky patch that has almost ended in divorce/separation several times (and it still holds that risk if things don't change). Things have gotten to a point where it is necessary to do something nice every day - above and beyond telling her how much I love her or complimenting her. At this point, it's about making amends for all of the problems that we've had in the past and the role that I've played in them.

 

I get hung up doing one nice gesture a day to show her that I am sorry for everything and that I care. Part of the problem I have thinking of something to do is that my thoughts always end up on buying something for her, rather than doing something nice that shows how much she means to me and that I've been trying to fix the problem. And, as I understand it, the point isn't to spend money but to do something that shows I care and to do something that shows I want to make things better.

 

It seems like I'm in a situation like HappyInNJ describes over here (minus the children): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=369567#post369567

 

If anybody has any direction, advice, or words of wisdom, I would love to hear them.

 

Thanks.

[Arashi]

Why not write a nice letter or a card to her?

You can also cook a nice meal for her and plan a vacation to go somewhere together.

There are many ways to do nice things to show your love. Your actions need to be driven by your true motive. Are you doing nice thing to her to love her more and more everyday? Or is it just a way for you to look for redemption, forgiveness or to "buy out" your guilts? Do you know what make you act? Your love for her or your guilt for the pain that you have caused to her.

[Matilda]

I think you should take a look at the advice on marriage builder's about the "love bank" concept.

 

It should be obvious to you by now that the Love Bank is an extremely important concept in marriage. If you want your instincts and emotions to support your marriage you must keep your love bank accounts over the romantic love threshold. But how can you keep your balances that high? And what can you do if they have already fallen below that threshold?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

[tempworker]

I want to do something nice for my wife for many reasons. The first and foremost of which is that I love her and every day I love her more than the last, and I want her to know that.

 

I have to admit, too, that it is partially a way to make amends and atone for what has been done. It is also something that she has asked that I do to prove to her that I actually care.

 

I have thought a lot about it, and I do care about her and I do still love her. This is just a place where I get stuck.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by tempworker

I have to admit, too, that it is partially a way to make amends and atone for what has been done. It is also something that she has asked that I do to prove to her that I actually care.

 

This sentence gives me the feeling that you are doing these things, not because the feelings come from your heart, but because you have to continually tell her that you are sorry.

 

I would think that it is similar to a comedian having to come up with jokes by a certain day and time. It's like forcing inspiration.

 

Then there is the task of making something that is said/done continually not seem so . . . routine. Afterall, how many folks say, "Love you, bye," to a spouse or child when they are leaving for work/school? I think a lot of times, it is said so much that it loses it's meaning and specialness.

 

I'm not sure how one person proves to another that they "actually care." I think the feeling is there or not.

 

It seems that you need to get the old feelings back into your heart to be inspired.

 

As far as what to do for her . . . think about when you were dating and when you were first married. What sort of things did she enjoy doing? Does she like to read? Maybe she could use some quiet time to read. Pay attention to what she likes (to wear, to eat, to watch on TV, to read, to go see, etc.) When she least expects it, tell her something that you notice about her (that her hair looks particulary soft and shining or that she smells wonderful). Tell her what you like/love about her (how her hair feels, what she does that you like, how she moves). She wants to know/feel that she is important to you. If she really is, you will know how to make her feel special.

[tempworker]

Originally posted by Lil Honey

It seems that you need to get the old feelings back into your heart to be inspired.

 

As far as what to do for her . . . think about when you were dating and when you were first married. What sort of things did she enjoy doing? Does she like to read? Maybe she could use some quiet time to read. Pay attention to what she likes (to wear, to eat, to watch on TV, to read, to go see, etc.) When she least expects it, tell her something that you notice about her (that her hair looks particulary soft and shining or that she smells wonderful). Tell her what you like/love about her (how her hair feels, what she does that you like, how she moves). She wants to know/feel that she is important to you. If she really is, you will know how to make her feel special.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head (or at least one of the nails). Even if I'm doing nice things for her every day because I care, not doing something (i.e. not bugging her for a while and giving her time to read) can also be just as sweet and nice as doing something special.

 

I do also feel like I continually have to tell her that I'm sorry, and perhaps that's telling too. What she's looking for (as you hinted at in your comment, I think) isn't a constant apology every day; it's an affirmation of love.

 

I'm not sure how one person proves to another that they "actually care." I think the feeling is there or not.

 

It seems that you need to get the old feelings back into your heart to be inspired.

 

This makes a lot of sense to me too. We've been fighting and arguing for a long time. I think that is tainting my intentions.

 

Apologies are one thing - as others have said, they come from feelings of guilt. Expressions of love are something very different, they come from the heart and not from a feeling of obligation.

 

This morning, before I left for work, I wrote a short note for her wishing her a nice day. But, to make it just a little bit more special, I wrote the note backwards. She has a wall-mounted vanity mirror that extends in front of the bathroom mirror. So I taped the note to the back of the mirror. That way, when she's getting ready in the morning she'll see the note when she pulls the mirror out from the wall and can read it in the mirror while she's getting ready.

[tempworker]

Since I posted, things have gotten much better. I find it easier to do something nice or something thoughtful every day. Some days I don't always do the greatest thing on earth, but I realize that it's okay to not be perfect 100% of the time. The point is that she knows I'm trying and that is what she and I both want to know.

[rble618740]

Temp Worker:

 

I don't know your wife, but I am a wife who has separated and reconciled with her husband (and conincidently, we've been married 1 1/2 years). I thought I might offer what little bit I could to help. I think you have to start by deciding what message it is you're trying to convey to your wife, then make a list of ways to convey that message. I hear you saying that you want to convey your apologies (learned that phrasology in marriage counseling) - but a part of me thinks the best way to do that is to not do the thing for which you're sorry again. So...it's hard to say you're sorry with gestures, words and gifts. It takes time to prove you are really remorseful about what you've done. But... if what you're sorry for is not valuing your wife, or not respecting her, you can do things that convey the right message - that she is a priority to you, you appreciate her, and you respect her.

 

Love notes and little gifts are wonderful - don't get me wrong. But...you'd be surprised at the little things that my husband does - seemingly subconsciously - that convey my value and his respect for me. For example, if someone interrupts her - when they're done talking - turn to her and say, "What were you saying, honey?" That's kindly pointing out for the other person that they interrupted your wife, while telling your wife that you care about her thoughts. Put her above something important to you - be it work related, or pleasure related. Surprise her by taking her out to a nice dinner on a night you were supposed to be with the guys. It will mean much more than fitting her in when you've got time. It shows a level of sacrifice and it gives her a sense of being your first priority. This isn't to say that you shouldn't have nights with the guys, I'm just giving you occasional things to do. When you go to the kitchen, ask her if you can get her anything. When you see her doing dishes, tell her to go read while you finish them. Ask her opinion about things you normally wouldn't consulter her on and listen intently while she gives it to you - asking questions when she's finished. Do for her whatever it is that is hard for you to do - if it's sharing your feelings, do that. If it's watching the kids so she can concentrate on herself for a bit, do that (I don't know if you have kids). Compliment her when she can and when she can't hear you (to other people). Her heart will jump when it gets back to her and she knows you didn't say it in front of her. Check out a book from the library by her favorite author. Take her to that chick flick she wants to see but that you'd rather have your fingernails ripped out than see. Spend time doing things she likes to do but that you don't particularly care for.

 

You may want to look at the Five Love Languages book. It talks about the fact that we show love in the way that we want to be loved and, sometimes, our partner doesn't get the message because it's not how THEY want to be loved. It's like you're telling your wife everyday in Spanish that she's wonderful and she only speaks French. You mean it, you're working at it, but the message isn't getting through. Chances are, she may be experiencing the same frustration. Figure out whether it means more to her when you show her physical affection or when you give her quality time. If it is the latter but you are working your behind off at the former, it's going to be an uphill battle.

 

Just some advice. I hope it's helpful.