My OW meltdowns

[SolG]

I have this quandry. I've just had two weeks away with MM. Two wonderful weeks... well almost all wonderful.

 

Things seem to go along well... we plan and talk about exactly how we're going to deal with stuff and what's going on, etc, etc. Then BAM, something hits me. Like some particular email or wording in a text from his W. And I implode and MM cops it. He then responds with doubt about ME and our future. He says it makes him think that he is risking all for an uncertain future when what I am really doing is expressing understandable (from my perspective) hurt and anger. Then when he's in the throes of doubt, he feeds my insecurity even more, which makes me more likely to implode... again... and so on it goes :-(

 

Then we cry and make up. Until next time.

 

Do any of you ever get caught in this cycle?

[C00kie]

That sounds SO familiar. Whenever I felt like I was expressing completely understandeable pain, uncertainty or even desperation (that he should be the first to understand, since he caused it), he'd distance himself and tell me things like "you're showing me a side of yourself that scares me and makes me think if it's worth risking everything...".

 

Pathetic of them, really. And very sad for us.

[blue963]

Honestly, i think they want everything to be easy in the affairs. If it takes work, i think it loses its "shine" so to speak. Where as women I think we want to work out our issues more.

[Got it]

I have this quandry. I've just had two weeks away with MM. Two wonderful weeks... well almost all wonderful.

 

Things seem to go along well... we plan and talk about exactly how we're going to deal with stuff and what's going on, etc, etc. Then BAM, something hits me. Like some particular email or wording in a text from his W. And I implode and MM cops it. He then responds with doubt about ME and our future. He says it makes him think that he is risking all for an uncertain future when what I am really doing is expressing understandable (from my perspective) hurt and anger. Then when he's in the throes of doubt, he feeds my insecurity even more, which makes me more likely to implode... again... and so on it goes :-(

 

Then we cry and make up. Until next time.

 

Do any of you ever get caught in this cycle?

 

No I didn't because I shut down that line of thinking. He should be divorcing for himself and not riding on my shoulders to give him this sparkly future. This was his life and he needed to do what he thought was best. If divorcing was it, that was because he was done with his marriage. If not, then he should be focusing on it. But if I got the above, I would be even more pissed off at him and let him know that he didn't get to think the above and to stop being a spoiled brat. The future isn't a certainty and I was not promising that no matter what I was always going to be there. That we may not work and I had the ability and freedom to leave without his whole future riding on me. Screw that.

 

And about meltdowns, well you have a wife and a girlfriend then you deal with meltdowns with nary a complaint. If one is going to cake eat then they have to deal with the stomach ache at times. Spoiled jerk.

 

So nope, I nipped THAT in the bud. He did not divorce for me. That is the dumbest reason to divorce.

[FoolishOW]

That sounds SO familiar. Whenever I felt like I was expressing completely understandable pain, uncertainty or even desperation (that he should be the first to understand, since he caused it), he'd distance himself and tell me things like "you're showing me a side of yourself that scares me and makes me think if it's worth risking everything...".

 

Pathetic of them, really. And very sad for us.

 

 

That self-righteous, condescending, "I'm not sure I can be with someone like you" kind of statement would have me wanting to scare him with something a whole lot more like a fist… to the throat. (NO, I’ve never actually hit anyone in my life, but he sure sounds deserving.)

 

This statement would have been the last sentence I'd have been close enough to hear him actually speak. I’m sorry to sound so harsh. I’m not directing judgment towards you, but the character this statement shows would have caused him to see my back, as I walked away in silence, without ever looking back. This would make NC feel like a gift instead of a curse.

Edited March 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed code

[JenniferTucker]

Could it be that you are both addicted to the drama of your situation? In my past I would feed of drama, very unhealthy and no good comes from this type of behaviour. His words sound somewhat manipulative in how you react to triggers he brings up in his realistic life. His words your blow ups are so damaging to your emotional well being. If you could get some distance and perspective in this situation you could clear your mind. It's too crowded right now to see realistically what is going on with the two of you:(

[gettingstronger]

Shows he is a conflict avoider which is pretty common for people that have affairs-it should give you pause if you are planning a life with him- what will happen when you two have to deal with the ins and outs of marriage-will he revert to his tried and true method-have an affair where he can live in a fog and avoid his real life-I also agree with the drama aspect brought up by another- I always considered my husband to be one that hated drama-however his A was nothing but drama and for some reason that gave him an ego boost-

[Sub]

Have you considered why you implode at the sight of an email or text from his W?

[Snipercatt]

Could it be that you are both addicted to the drama of your situation? In my past I would feed of drama, very unhealthy and no good comes from this type of behaviour. His words sound somewhat manipulative in how you react to triggers he brings up in his realistic life. His words your blow ups are so damaging to your emotional well being. If you could get some distance and perspective in this situation you could clear your mind. It's too crowded right now to see realistically what is going on with the two of you:(

 

THIS in spades!

 

And then, this:

 

Shows he is a conflict avoider which is pretty common for people that have affairs-it should give you pause if you are planning a life with him- what will happen when you two have to deal with the ins and outs of marriage-will he revert to his tried and true method-have an affair where he can live in a fog and avoid his real life-I also agree with the drama aspect brought up by another- I always considered my husband to be one that hated drama-however his A was nothing but drama and for some reason that gave him an ego boost-

 

A meltdown is triggered by feelings. If you can get a grip on your feelings, you can avoid your meltdowns. But, do it for yourself, not because it makes life easier for him.

 

Suggestions on getting a grip on your feelings:

 

- As soon as you feel jealousy, or insecurity, creeping in, clamp down on it mentally. Your method may vary, but if you can slow down the creeping bad emotion and instead examine the source of it, you can begin to control your feelings. In this case it appears that communication from BW triggers your negative emotions. Knowing this you might choose to not read these communications, and not ask questions about them. I know that curiosity probably motivates you to read them, and examine them for some hidden meaning, but most likely they really have nothing much to do with you. Develop an attitude of "who cares what BW writes". It can be done, if you are properly motivated and you discipline yourself.

 

- Know that you have choices here. You can choose to ignore those communications and concentrate on your life, or you can choose to stew about them. (These communications really don't give you an accurate picture of what's going on the BW and MM even though you might think so.)

 

- Ask MM, out of respect for your feelings, not to share these things with you. Be firm and disciplined if/when he attempts to do so.

 

- Finally, understand that your life is VERY important!!! Not just to you, but all those that love you and come in contact with you. If you are distracted by negative feelings you aren't at the top of your game; you aren't at your healthiest emotionally and mentally. Focus on living a wholesome life before you focus on integrating MM in that wholesome life. After focusing on a wholesome life evaluate those ways, if any, that you can integrate him, and his life, into yours, but only in a wholesome fashion for YOU!

 

- Be busy with hobbies, family, education, voluteering, career, or whatever floats your boat. Be so busy that you don't have time for manipulation that causes you negative emotions. Know that living in such a fashion makes you attractive to individuals that are growing and achieving. Such a person is a magnet for like minded others. Open avenues of emotionaly expression with others. Volunteering can help you with that. There are others (elderly, etc.) that just need someone to talk to. Helping them with help you with your own emotions.

 

To begin the process, list here (or not) those things that are of interest to you and that you would like to explore. Give us some feedback on how you intend to control the negative emotions that trigger a meltdown. If you give us feedback on these issues we can be a strong support to you.

 

Give it a whirl, right here, right now.

[Ladydrib]

I have this quandry. I've just had two weeks away with MM. Two wonderful weeks... well almost all wonderful.

 

Things seem to go along well... we plan and talk about exactly how we're going to deal with stuff and what's going on, etc, etc. Then BAM, something hits me. Like some particular email or wording in a text from his W. And I implode and MM cops it. He then responds with doubt about ME and our future. He says it makes him think that he is risking all for an uncertain future when what I am really doing is expressing understandable (from my perspective) hurt and anger. Then when he's in the throes of doubt, he feeds my insecurity even more, which makes me more likely to implode... again... and so on it goes :-(

 

Then we cry and make up. Until next time.

 

Do any of you ever get caught in this cycle?

 

Yes.

 

And round and round it goes. As long as these men have two women swooning over them, they will continue to triangulate us and leverage us against each other to their advantage. Why? Control. It allows them control over the other woman, keeps us dedicated, and control over the betrayed wife, keeps them an option. My guess is sometimes the mm wants both women. Not always though. If the wife is acting up, he probably gets more attentive with you and more abusive to her. If you act up while she is behaving, the reverse is true. Then you get the "I'm not sure if you're worth all of this".

 

None of this is acceptable and everyone knows it. Yet we continue to accept it like helpless little victims. When do we stop?

 

I know the answer to that too. We stop when it hurts badly or we get so angry or we see a pattern that leads to nowhere-land. But then they swoop down and say everything to get you to buy back into cycle.

 

I believe the cycle can only end for good when we cut off all hope of having anything to do with a man like this. If you're hoping for that man, you may as well hope for all this dysfunction too because he and the dysfunction are a package deal.

[Got it]

THIS in spades!

 

And then, this:

 

 

 

A meltdown is triggered by feelings. If you can get a grip on your feelings, you can avoid your meltdowns. But, do it for yourself, not because it makes life easier for him.

 

Suggestions on getting a grip on your feelings:

 

- As soon as you feel jealousy, or insecurity, creeping in, clamp down on it mentally. Your method may vary, but if you can slow down the creeping bad emotion and instead examine the source of it, you can begin to control your feelings. In this case it appears that communication from BW triggers your negative emotions. Knowing this you might choose to not read these communications, and not ask questions about them. I know that curiosity probably motivates you to read them, and examine them for some hidden meaning, but most likely they really have nothing much to do with you. Develop an attitude of "who cares what BW writes". It can be done, if you are properly motivated and you discipline yourself.

 

- Know that you have choices here. You can choose to ignore those communications and concentrate on your life, or you can choose to stew about them. (These communications really don't give you an accurate picture of what's going on the BW and MM even though you might think so.)

 

- Ask MM, out of respect for your feelings, not to share these things with you. Be firm and disciplined if/when he attempts to do so.

 

- Finally, understand that your life is VERY important!!! Not just to you, but all those that love you and come in contact with you. If you are distracted by negative feelings you aren't at the top of your game; you aren't at your healthiest emotionally and mentally. Focus on living a wholesome life before you focus on integrating MM in that wholesome life. After focusing on a wholesome life evaluate those ways, if any, that you can integrate him, and his life, into yours, but only in a wholesome fashion for YOU!

 

- Be busy with hobbies, family, education, voluteering, career, or whatever floats your boat. Be so busy that you don't have time for manipulation that causes you negative emotions. Know that living in such a fashion makes you attractive to individuals that are growing and achieving. Such a person is a magnet for like minded others. Open avenues of emotionaly expression with others. Volunteering can help you with that. There are others (elderly, etc.) that just need someone to talk to. Helping them with help you with your own emotions.

 

To begin the process, list here (or not) those things that are of interest to you and that you would like to explore. Give us some feedback on how you intend to control the negative emotions that trigger a meltdown. If you give us feedback on these issues we can be a strong support to you.

 

Give it a whirl, right here, right now.

 

You know a meltdown isn't only about jealousy or insecurity, right?

 

I had epic meltdowns that weren't tied to either one. Just me being royally pissed off.

 

I will have meltdowns now as well. Why? Because sometimes it is warranted.

[SolG]

Thank you for your responses. Especially yours @Snipercatt; great stuff. I absolutely agree that I need to focus more on my life. I do indeed intend to.

 

To a certain extent I have been the architect of my own meltdowns. I insisted on full disclosure after MM failed to inform me of some things I felt he should have; they were omitted 'for my own good' (apparently). So now I have full access to all his email accounts, phone records and texts (the latter obviously only when we're physically together). I pretty much see all their correspondence.

 

A classic case of be careful what you wish for. But on the other hand, NOT knowing drives me nuts as well :-/ I don't think I can give this access up.

 

It is not EVERY missive that gets to me. It is just the very occasional one that brings feelings of betrayal and hurt to the surface.

 

Maybe I put the mockers on myself by starting this thread; but it actually happened again last night. We were Skyping, and it came up (not in response to a particular email or text, but generically) and we both got upset.

 

However, this morning we had a really good conversation about it. About how much it hurts for me and why; and also how much it hurts for him too.

 

I don't think it's going to disappear. But I think we're beginning to explore this less emotively and more respectfully.

[underwater2010]

Why he ever gave complete access to his stuff is beyond me. Why you feel the need to know the details of their marriage is beyond me. It is NONE of your business. You are not married to him. You took on the position of OW WILLINGLY. Either accept this or find someone that is AVAILABLE.

 

 

I do understand your pain. But you are bringing it upon yourself. Its time to stop or accept it for what it is.

[FoolishOW]

I understand how powerful our emotions are, and how they can somehow, sometimes, completely replace all logic, common sense, and the ability to make the most basic decisions between reasonable and unreasonable... but where is the line drawn for just how much a person is willing to tolerate in a relationship before they say TO themselves, and more importantly, FOR themselves, that enough is overwhelmingly enough!

 

 

There's good advice here about attempting to get the emotions in check, or have better 'control' over the meltdowns, perhaps even diagnose exactly how they're triggered. Further, you can go back and forth on the decision about whether it's helpful or hurtful to have 'access' to the emails and texts from an MM's wife, but for the love of all things holy (not really), why does it seem to be so impossibly crippling to look at someone who treats you or speaks to you in such a condescending way, and simply say, 'I'm better than this... so long.'

 

 

I know, I know... but I love him, can't imagine being without him, he's done so much for me, I've learned so much from him, etc etc etc. Sorry, I call bull*****! Look at yourself in the mirror. Strip away the justifications and rationalizations and all the excuses you make for his less than stellar behavior towards you, and your less than attractive treatment of yourself, and figure out what on earth your life is worth. Your concern over meltdowns will suddenly be gone. No excuses... kick these chumps to the curb and live the life you deserve.

[spookysonata]

you feel betrayed and hurt by the things he says to his wife? Am i understanding correctly?

[Popsicle]

You are not super strong and neither is he. Two people who are alike like this don't do well in difficult situations like this. In order to manage difficult situations like this where one person is weak, the other has to be strong in order for them to keep on. Two weak people just don't match up well in these situations. You are both probably just addicted to the highs you supply each other and codependent in that way, but really aren't strong enough to get through the difficulties.

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you for your responses. Especially yours @Snipercatt; great stuff. I absolutely agree that I need to focus more on my life. I do indeed intend to.

 

To a certain extent I have been the architect of my own meltdowns. I insisted on full disclosure after MM failed to inform me of some things I felt he should have; they were omitted 'for my own good' (apparently). So now I have full access to all his email accounts, phone records and texts (the latter obviously only when we're physically together). I pretty much see all their correspondence.

 

A classic case of be careful what you wish for. But on the other hand, NOT knowing drives me nuts as well :-/ I don't think I can give this access up.

 

It is not EVERY missive that gets to me. It is just the very occasional one that brings feelings of betrayal and hurt to the surface.

 

Maybe I put the mockers on myself by starting this thread; but it actually happened again last night. We were Skyping, and it came up (not in response to a particular email or text, but generically) and we both got upset.

 

However, this morning we had a really good conversation about it. About how much it hurts for me and why; and also how much it hurts for him too.

 

I don't think it's going to disappear. But I think we're beginning to explore this less emotively and more respectfully.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I have to say though that this really just floored me. This is about as ironic as it gets. You have access to all his correspondence in his marriage? How do you feel you have a right to that? (Not trying to be snarky - really just asking the question).

 

That is just a double whammy to the BS... not only does she have no knowledge of the A but the OW reads her correspondences with her H. That just seems unbelievable to me.

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

You want to break the cycle:

 

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

 

You freak out, he spanks you down by saying the future with you is uncertain.

 

Put your big girl panties on and tell him off.

 

The only thing certain right now is that you are going to keep freaking out and he's going to seek solace in the known. Break the cycle. Don't freak out. Ignore him. Be aloof. Make him wonder if YOU'VE found someone else.

 

Remember, YOU can go anywhere...he can just go home...

[Speakingofwhich]

Remember, YOU can go anywhere...he can just go home...

 

:) Ah, yes!

[Lady2163]

Wow.

 

I'm an OW, who is in the process of ending things and I know there is no future with my MM.

 

I've dated a lot in life, had a lot of relationships. I will probably have several more.

 

I do not, nor will not give anyone access to my email, cell phone, snail mail.

Nor would I ever expect it from them.

 

Do you realize how...not normal that is?

 

Assuming he divorces his wife and spends the rest of his life with you, are to to be privvy of every conversation they ever have? I'm making the leap that he has kids. Do you think you will be welcome at parent teacher conferences? Do you think you will be welcome when he goes to pick up the kids for visitation? You may have control over him, but she doesn't have to allow you in her life.

 

I mean, I understand people having trust issues that they WS may continue to cheat, but there seems to be so much about him you don't trust.

 

I really am basically a good person. I "cheated" on my ex-husband three times. I put it in quotes, because all three times we were separated and I planned on divorcing. It took three times, though...so since I didn't wait for the ink to be dry, purists will say I am a cheater.

 

And I've been a wild child in the sex department. I've always worked in professions that are 80% or greater men, so opportunity has been there. I've been to plenty of swingers parties and bdsm events.

 

But I read posts like this and I am reminded that I will NEVER tell my next boyfriend any of this. He won't know I've cheated, been to an orgy or had relationships/friendships with married men. Because I don't want to be micromanaged. I don't want someone flipping out if I get a raunchy email from a former Army buddy I had sex with 25 years ago.

 

I'm usually real supportive of Others. But I have to tell you, this is not how a relationship is supposed to be. I hope you will stop and realize that. Find someone you can trust. Find someone who doesn't make you have a meltdown. Find someone who isn't emotionally abusive.

[SolG]

It's difficult to explain.

 

Yes, I guess in essence I do sometimes get upset by what MM and his W communicate to each other. Indeed, the initial shock of first experiencing this is what brought me here to LS in the first instance.

 

Do I feel I have a 'right' to know? Not exactly... but I do feel he owes me transparency about his life so I can make informed decisions about mine. And he has always had access to all my accounts; even before I had his.

 

I know that none of this is logical or ethical or usual. I also get that it is manifestly unfair to his BS. It is however, something that I need in order to not feel lost and blind. This is why my MM offered and allows it.

 

I guess the only slim parallel I can draw is that I sometimes feel like someone betrayed who needs all the detail to order and make sense of things. I don't have the option of asking him to go NC; but what I do have is option to be continually informed. I understand that this would offend the sensibilities of some (perhaps many).

 

Over time, my actually accessing the accounts has waxed and waned. Waxing generally coincides with my moments of greatest pain and insecurity. Which incidentally are also the times when I am most likely to be in powder keg mode; just ripe for implosion.

 

These are also the times when I am most ill at ease with my life in general; not just the A component in particular. There is a lot of truth to what you all say about having and maintaining a life, regardless of how difficult it may seem, while in an A in order to maintain sanity and well being.

 

2013 was a write off for me. I'm determined that 2014 won't be. And no, that doesn't mean I'll be leaving MM. But it is the year I'll be expecting him to step up. Come 2015, I won't be an AP any longer. One way or another. Meltdowns or no.

[sweet_pea]

It's difficult to explain.

 

Yes, I guess in essence I do sometimes get upset by what MM and his W communicate to each other. Indeed, the initial shock of first experiencing this is what brought me here to LS in the first instance.

 

Do I feel I have a 'right' to know? Not exactly... but I do feel he owes me transparency about his life so I can make informed decisions about mine. And he has always had access to all my accounts; even before I had his.

 

I know that none of this is logical or ethical or usual. I also get that it is manifestly unfair to his BS. It is however, something that I need in order to not feel lost and blind. This is why my MM offered and allows it.

 

I guess the only slim parallel I can draw is that I sometimes feel like someone betrayed who needs all the detail to order and make sense of things. I don't have the option of asking him to go NC; but what I do have is option to be continually informed. I understand that this would offend the sensibilities of some (perhaps many).

 

Over time, my actually accessing the accounts has waxed and waned. Waxing generally coincides with my moments of greatest pain and insecurity. Which incidentally are also the times when I am most likely to be in powder keg mode; just ripe for implosion.

 

These are also the times when I am most ill at ease with my life in general; not just the A component in particular. There is a lot of truth to what you all say about having and maintaining a life, regardless of how difficult it may seem, while in an A in order to maintain sanity and well being.

 

2013 was a write off for me. I'm determined that 2014 won't be. And no, that doesn't mean I'll be leaving MM. But it is the year I'll be expecting him to step up. Come 2015, I won't be an AP any longer. One way or another. Meltdowns or no.

 

Edit: It's kind of sad that you think you're owed transparency and deserve to make full informed decisions based on what you see of his actions, meanwhile his wife does apparently does not since you two are continuing to sneak behind her back and make life decisions (i.e. plans for moving out, divorce, etc.) for her without giving her the same options that you have. SMH. I'm glad at least you recognize how messed up that is. Hopefully everyone will soon be afforded the ability to make informed decisions for themselves.

Edited March 5, 2014 by sweet_pea

[Got it]

Why he ever gave complete access to his stuff is beyond me. Why you feel the need to know the details of their marriage is beyond me. It is NONE of your business. You are not married to him. You took on the position of OW WILLINGLY. Either accept this or find someone that is AVAILABLE.

 

 

I do understand your pain. But you are bringing it upon yourself. Its time to stop or accept it for what it is.

 

Why? I don't understand this view point that being an OW means that you have a text book that you follow saying you should only accept crumbs.

 

That is BS for me. When we started I was his main relationship and so, yes, we had transparency with everything from the get go. Because, in our case, we were both planning to divorce, those pieces of information were important and yes my business and vice versa for him. We have always been transparent with each other, from the affair through our marriage. We may not love what we hear/see/do but we are committed to being transparent with each other.

 

SolG - it is a fine line of understanding and accepting what information you may be asking for and how you can accept it. I had no major issues while he was married with information, it was during divorce that I asked to not be privy to everything. Because you have asked for the information, I think deep diving what exactly triggers you and why. What do they mean for you and why does it cause that reaction?

[Got it]

You want to break the cycle:

 

DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

 

You freak out, he spanks you down by saying the future with you is uncertain.

 

Put your big girl panties on and tell him off.

 

The only thing certain right now is that you are going to keep freaking out and he's going to seek solace in the known. Break the cycle. Don't freak out. Ignore him. Be aloof. Make him wonder if YOU'VE found someone else.

 

Remember, YOU can go anywhere...he can just go home...

 

Don't you think that just by the sheer fact that you are talking to the OW in this MM's affair that it is quite apparent he can go elsewhere than "just home"? I mean he detoured to SolG's house already.

 

I don't understand this analogy.

[gettingstronger]

Don't you think that just by the sheer fact that you are talking to the OW in this MM's affair that it is quite apparent he can go elsewhere than "just home"? I mean he detoured to SolG's house already.

 

 

I think the implication is that she is free to do as she pleases while he is stuck in his marriage-I don't agree-we are all free to make choices if we are willing to deal with the consequences-AND if we really want to make those choices- I tend to think that people in affairs that don't leave just don't want to leave-they want to stay married-they are not stuck- I mean really, how much harder can it be to leave than to live a lie-