peruano99 Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I need some help here on what a man/woman can do to prevent their partner from having an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
veritas lux mea Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I need some help here on what a man/woman can do to prevent their partner from having an affair? I answered you in another post but I won't here like that. Bottom line is. You can't. You can only do your part in creating a strong and healthy relationship. And if that is not working because your SO refuses to do their part, end the relationship. It is like how abstinece from anything with a memeber of the opposite sex is the only 100% method for safe sex. Not being in a committed relationship is the only 100% method to never be cheated on. But for many that is a lonely way to live. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 There are no guarantees, but you can start by having some counselling sessions and learning how to communicate effectively, and establish total respect for one another and yourselves. Learn to Trust. This is where Communication is vital. And wait until you absolutely both of you cannot keep your hands off one another before having sex. or - failsafe method - ? Don't date. Link to post Share on other sites
Zimber Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I need some help here on what a man/woman can do to prevent their partner from having an affair? Nobody is above an affair. The first and most important thing is to screen properly. Look for signs of issues that might lead to problems. And just as important, make sure your own demons are fixed, buried, completely understood ... whatever, lest you eventually drive that person away. Also, lead by example. A person must make a decision to be true in a relationship and avoid temptation. If you flirt, you're going to start getting stimulated from it and stop thinking about your partner too much. If you allow yourself to have intimate conversations with a member of the opposite sex, you're in potentially dangerous territory. Being the best you can be is very important and often forgotten too. Z 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 We don't control other people. We aren't that powerful. Hard lesson, but truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 The three most important things I learn from this forum; (1)communication, (2)boundaries, and (3)not taking things for granted. Always and always check those three things throughout the R. Also please value and be open to our partner's opinion/feeling/complaint. Encourage openness between each other. Show that we can always be calm, thoughtful and understanding towards any indiscretion. Hopefully that will help prevent an affair or at least nip it in the bud since many affairs begin as mistakes and the party involve do aware that it's wrong initially. I do agree with the many posts above, we could never have a 100% control over everything. However, we have an almost total control on our own action. So constantly remind ourselves that self satisfaction shouldn't be the top priority in everything that we do. There are many other more important values to be considered such as honesty, respect, compassionate, responsibility, and etc. Cheating is much worse than being cheated on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) I'm asking this question because I always seem to be in luck with women in relationships lately... A person can be the best person and lover for their spouse, but some of those good people still get their hearts broken by affairs. Edited March 4, 2014 by peruano99 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 In that case, there's something wrong in the relationship - and that's a 50/50 thing. No person who is completely contented and happy in their relationship, and totally in love with their partner - screwed around for no reason at all. The cheater is to BLAME for the affair. The couple is jointly RESPONSIBLE for the relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 Well this woman has been in a 4 year relationship with that guy since HS. We are in college now, but she constantly has been trying to ask me out on dates and I keep denying them; but the more I deny her, the harder she tries to get my attention. I know they are having problems in their relationship since in their social media, only she lists him as her bf, but on his page, he says he isn't in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Well this woman has been in a 4 year relationship with that guy since HS. We are in college now, but she constantly has been trying to ask me out on dates and I keep denying them; but the more I deny her, the harder she tries to get my attention. I know they are having problems in their relationship since in their social media, only she lists him as her bf, but on his page, he says he isn't in a relationship. BOOM. I rest my case. Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 In that case, there's something wrong in the relationship - and that's a 50/50 thing. No person who is completely contented and happy in their relationship, and totally in love with their partner - screwed around for no reason at all. The cheater is to BLAME for the affair. The couple is jointly RESPONSIBLE for the relationship. Nope, there are people that cheat with for reason whatsoever, other than thinking that they can get away with it. It is not always because of an unhappy relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted March 4, 2014 Author Share Posted March 4, 2014 I know I used to pay attention to her, but ever since I found out about the bf or ex, I have just been doing my thing in class.. i.e. studying and doing lab projects. I'm studying for Medical school so I really have to study a lot for that class. She is a nursing student. Link to post Share on other sites
HomanWater Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Nope, there are people that cheat with for reason whatsoever, other than thinking that they can get away with it. It is not always because of an unhappy relationship. I know there have been such cases here. Though in the case someone cheats even in great relationship we don't have enough insight whether it's really that great and maybe some poking and prodding would reveal something? And maybe some people are perpetually unhappy, regardless of a relationship? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Nope, there are people that cheat with for reason whatsoever, other than thinking that they can get away with it. It is not always because of an unhappy relationship. Give me a concrete 'for instance', because in all my years in counselling, I never came across a couple where one person cheating, was 100% happy in the relationship. Something, somewhere, is perceived as missing, or lacking. Link to post Share on other sites
A.Moscote Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Be careful and mindful peruano. If you get it on with this girl, you know there's an element of dishonest/cheating involves. Let her settle her problem first, and be clear about her status. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Give me a concrete 'for instance', because in all my years in counselling, I never came across a couple where one person cheating, was 100% happy in the relationship. Something, somewhere, is perceived as missing, or lacking. So, let's say that "perceived" is the keyword here - do you believe that the partner should always share responsibility for someone else's perceptions? Isn't there such a thing as unrealistic expectations? What if the partner doesn't even know about his/her spouses perception that something is missing? How can it be someone else's fault if you're on your way out of a relationship? Personal responsibility is a dying concept these days, or so it seems sometimes. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 In that case, there's something wrong in the relationship - and that's a 50/50 thing. No person who is completely contented and happy in their relationship, and totally in love with their partner - screwed around for no reason at all. The cheater is to BLAME for the affair. The couple is jointly RESPONSIBLE for the relationship. Unfortunately, psychology disagrees with this. It would be awesome if that were the truth, though. Infidelity, unfortunately, isn't personal. People don't cheat because of their marriage or their partner. They cheat because of what's wrong with them. Pittman is an excellent place to start for the why of that, followed by Glass. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 So, let's say that "perceived" is the keyword here - do you believe that the partner should always share responsibility for someone else's perceptions? no. The perceptions are on the part of the cheater. Isn't there such a thing as unrealistic expectations? What if the partner doesn't even know about his/her spouses perception that something is missing? That's not necessarily their fault. They may be unaware there is any dissatisfaction on the part of the partner - certainly a sufficient dissatisfaction that would be at a level for them to cheat. All relationships hit different plateaux at times.... How can it be someone else's fault if you're on your way out of a relationship?Where, how and why did I ever say it was? Personal responsibility is a dying concept these days, or so it seems sometimes. Read what I said, again: Having an affair, is the cheater's FAULT. The state of the relationship is the equal RESPONSIBILITY - of both partners in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Give me a concrete 'for instance', because in all my years in counselling, I never came across a couple where one person cheating, was 100% happy in the relationship. Something, somewhere, is perceived as missing, or lacking. Missing within the person, not necessarily the marriage or partner. That's the leap you are missing. My concrete for instance? My spouse. You can read about overbenefitted spouses in Glass, and you can also investigate Gottman, Pittman and Glass for a rundown on why your hypothesis is flawed. I used to think exactly as you did. And learned the hard way it wasn't true. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I never specified where, did I? Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Give me a concrete 'for instance', because in all my years in counselling, I never came across a couple where one person cheating, was 100% happy in the relationship. Something, somewhere, is perceived as missing, or lacking. Perhaps the something, somewhere, that is perceived as missing or lacking is just an excuse for their behavior? Or as HermioneG said, if it's missing in one person (the cheater) and they can't be happy, then why would the relationship problems be 50/50? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Perhaps the something, somewhere, that is perceived as missing or lacking is just an excuse for their behavior? It can't be 'an excuse'. It can't be a justification, or reason. there is absolutely no valid, justified reason for cheating. But something, somewhere, somehow, isn't 'clicking' or ticking the boxes. Or as HermioneG said, if it's missing in one person (the cheater) and they can't be happy, then why would the relationship problems be 50/50?I didn't say the relationship problems are 50/50. I said that the state, health and well-being of the relationship is 50/50. Each person is responsible for nurturing, nourishing, feeding and helping in the growth of the relationship. Each person is responsible for their input. 100% 0f their 50%. One partner may WELL be giving everything they've got to it, but if the OTHER person isn't completely committed (ie, the cheater) then let's say they're only giving 20%. Their partner can't make up the 30% extra deficit.... Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I never specified where, did I? Okey dokey. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 In that case, there's something wrong in the relationship - and that's a 50/50 thing. No person who is completely contented and happy in their relationship, and totally in love with their partner - screwed around for no reason at all. The cheater is to BLAME for the affair. The couple is jointly RESPONSIBLE for the relationship. Unfortunately, psychology disagrees with this. It would be awesome if that were the truth, though. Infidelity, unfortunately, isn't personal. People don't cheat because of their marriage or their partner. They cheat because of what's wrong with them. I never said anything to the contrary.... people need to read more closely.... Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 I never said anything to the contrary.... people need to read more closely.... I read very clearly. Thank you. I am glad you understand- even though you previously stated you had no concrete examples of it- that people cheat in happy marriages and that the affairs very often have zero to do with their primary relationship. If that is what you meant, by previously stating you had no examples of that, then my apologies for making the assumption that you did not understand that. The joint "relationship" blame you have mentioned was confusing. Affairs happen because of the cheater, not the relationship. So the 50-50 thing does not apply, unless you are an acolyte of Harley's blame shifting. Link to post Share on other sites
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