How to avoid getting cheated on?

[TaraMaiden]

At the end of the day- you are absolutely correct that the cheater always has a reason to cheat. For sure.

It just isn't necessarily a reason that is connected to the marriage, the spouse, or anything like that.

I never ever said it always was.

I said that it either could be that the marriage is not all it could be, or that the cheater is not 'happy' within that marriage. But the definition of that word, 'happy' remains to be seen....

But if a perdon is married, and they vowed to be faithful, and then they aren't, something in the psyche of that person means they're not 100% committed to that marriage!!

 

I appreciate that you decided not to make comments about my marriage, although I was dismayed that you think that if a person really looks hard at what happened they will somehow magically find a way to prove that their happy marriage wasn't happy.

 

You said this:

 

"But it won't be the ONLY, sole, unique reason they decide to cheat.

At least, in my experience, although there initially appeared to be 'just one reason/excuse' - it often blew up into a culmination of things. And at one point or another to a greater or lesser degree, it implicated the other partner, who was either conscious, or UNconscious of the fact. "

 

That's not how it works.

 

A happy marriage is not an inoculation against an affair. Be careful of ever thinking that's true, or people who tell you so. Infidelity is a personal problem, not a relational one.

Infidelity IS a personal problem.

You're right.

But every single unfaithful partner I have sat in front of, has at one stage or another tried to 'blame-shift' and cite something the other person was, or wasn't doing.

The other person was either aware of this problem, and admitted to it, or was aware of the problem, but didn't think it sufficient to warrant their spouse having the affair.

 

It also happened frequently that the other person was completely unaware of this problem, and had no idea that their spouse felt this way.

In this specific scenario, the betrayed spouse could in no way be held responsible for any involvement, or mitigation.

Even once made aware of the situation, the cheating partner - due to a complete lack of communication - was at fault for not having vocalised their concern.

Even if they felt their rationale was valid.

 

I wish I could sit with people and talk F2F.

It would be so much easier! *Sigh*

[BHsigh]

I never ever said it always was.

I said that it either could be that the marriage is not all it could be, or that the cheater is not 'happy' within that marriage. But the definition of that word, 'happy' remains to be seen....

But if a perdon is married, and they vowed to be faithful, and then they aren't, something in the psyche of that person means they're not 100% committed to that marriage!!

 

 

Infidelity IS a personal problem.

You're right.

But every single unfaithful partner I have sat in front of, has at one stage or another tried to 'blame-shift' and cite something the other person was, or wasn't doing.

The other person was either aware of this problem, and admitted to it, or was aware of the problem, but didn't think it sufficient to warrant their spouse having the affair.

 

It also happened frequently that the other person was completely unaware of this problem, and had no idea that their spouse felt this way.

In this specific scenario, the betrayed spouse could in no way be held responsible for any involvement, or mitigation.

Even once made aware of the situation, the cheating partner - due to a complete lack of communication - was at fault for not having vocalised their concern.

Even if they felt their rationale was valid.

 

I wish I could sit with people and talk F2F.

It would be so much easier! *Sigh*

 

So you agree that an affair can happen in a happy marriage then?

 

And is it possible that sometimes the "blame shifting" is just an excuse and not the truth?

[TaraMaiden]

So you agree that an affair can happen in a happy marriage then?

I agree that an affair can happen in a marriage that APPEARS to everyone to be happy, but the person having the affair, is not happy' within that relationship, and that 'happy' needs defining according to that person's mentality.

 

And is it possible that sometimes the "blame shifting" is just an excuse and not the truth?

It depends how you look at it. 'Truth' is subjective, in this case.

The 'blame-shifting may be absolutely true to that person. even if others don't see it as their truth though.

[hotpotato]

So, let's say that "perceived" is the keyword here - do you believe that the partner should always share responsibility for someone else's perceptions? Isn't there such a thing as unrealistic expectations? What if the partner doesn't even know about his/her spouses perception that something is missing?

 

How can it be someone else's fault if you're on your way out of a relationship?

 

Personal responsibility is a dying concept these days, or so it seems sometimes.

 

The WS can always perceive something is wrong with the BS. Cheaters often dont see what's wrong with themselves, they just focus on what's wrong with their partner. If someone wants out of a relationship, they will naturally becoming nitpicky or plain mean. BS will understandably respond negatively to this, and the WS feels even more justified in cheating.

 

Honestly, the BS is often trying to escape the relationship and is more interested in their new shiny,toy.

 

 

I need some help here on what a man/woman can do to prevent their partner from having an affair?

Nothing. If someone wants to cheat, they will.

[hotpotato]

So you agree that an affair can happen in a happy marriage then?

 

And is it possible that sometimes the "blame shifting" is just an excuse and not the truth?

 

Happy people cheat all the time.

Sometimes when people cheat they just want to have sex or have a crush on someone else.

[TaraMaiden]

I have to take exception with this.

 

While in many cases, you are correct, in some, you are not.

 

A while back, I was doing some research for my work and spoke with soldiers and who had recently returned from combat and their spouses. Many of the soldiers suffered form ptsd, and some had had A.

 

In this situation, the M had nothing to do with the choices and actions of the person who cheated. They cheated because they were ( to use the jargon the soldiers themselves used) "broken". There is absolutely nothing the bs could have said, done or not said or done that would have made a difference.

 

This happens in other situations as well.

 

I'm not saying that it the bs never plays a role, many times, the do play a 50% role in the state of the M. whatever role they do play, there are always alternatives to cheating. Always.

 

This is not actually contradictory to anything I've said....

[BHsigh]

I agree that an affair can happen in a marriage that APPEARS to everyone to be happy, but the person having the affair, is not happy' within that relationship, and that 'happy' needs defining according to that person's mentality.

 

So, happiness outside of the relationship, or "just because they can" could never cause a person to have an affair then, is that what you're saying? It's only due to their happiness in the relationship.

 

What about people with narcisistic tendencies?

[janedoe67]

The three supporting factors in all and every relationship are:

 

Trust

Communication

Respect.

 

(intimacy of course is also essential, but over time, that falls and decreases... however, a loving couple in tune on the above 'frequencies' will not always need sex as the 'icing on the cake'.)

 

Just because it's "only icing" for you does not mean that it isn't more for others...or that that is wrong.

 

THAT is when a lot of problems start - when one spouse decides that what is important to the other spouse isn't REALLY important because it isn't important to THEM.

 

Wrong.

[TaraMaiden]

So, happiness outside of the relationship, or "just because they can" could never cause a person to have an affair then, is that what you're saying? It's only due to their happiness in the relationship.

Will you quit twisting my words, please?

Tell you what....define 'happiness' according to their mental state....

 

What about people with narcisistic tendencies?

Like this one, for example.....

[BHsigh]

Will you quit twisting my words, please?

Tell you what....define 'happiness' according to their mental state....

 

 

Like this one, for example.....

 

I am not twisting your words, will you tell us all clearly what you believe.

 

Can a person have an affair even if they are in a happy marriage?

[TaraMaiden]

A person can appear to be in a happy marriage but they themselves are clearly not happy IN that marriage, but the word 'happy' needs defining according to how that person's mental state, and/or how s/he perceives their situation to be.

 

I really cannot make it any clearer than that.

[HermioneG]

I never ever said it always was.

I said that it either could be that the marriage is not all it could be, or that the cheater is not 'happy' within that marriage. But the definition of that word, 'happy' remains to be seen....

But if a perdon is married, and they vowed to be faithful, and then they aren't, something in the psyche of that person means they're not 100% committed to that marriage!!

 

 

Infidelity IS a personal problem.

You're right.

But every single unfaithful partner I have sat in front of, has at one stage or another tried to 'blame-shift' and cite something the other person was, or wasn't doing.

The other person was either aware of this problem, and admitted to it, or was aware of the problem, but didn't think it sufficient to warrant their spouse having the affair.

 

It also happened frequently that the other person was completely unaware of this problem, and had no idea that their spouse felt this way.

In this specific scenario, the betrayed spouse could in no way be held responsible for any involvement, or mitigation.

Even once made aware of the situation, the cheating partner - due to a complete lack of communication - was at fault for not having vocalised their concern.

Even if they felt their rationale was valid.

 

I wish I could sit with people and talk F2F.

It would be so much easier! *Sigh*

 

I begged my spouse in therapy to tell me what was wrong with our marriage. Post affair, when all the cards were on the table.

 

It wasn't me. It wasn't the marriage. It was from stuff that happened long before I met him- things I knew about, but had zero idea that they would cause boundary issues and crappy coping skills. He did not know, either.

 

My scenario is not unique. It's depressingly common.

 

I am not sure why you are talking to all these unfaithful partners, but I am surprised that you are unfamiliar with the literature, and also that you have not run into the infidelity that I am speaking of.

[Furious]

I need some help here on what a man/woman can do to prevent their partner from having an affair?

 

It's ironic.....an affair is not about ending one relationship before beginning a new one.

 

In essence what you're really asking is how can you prevent someone from lying to you and living a false realty.

 

It's obvious, the majority of folks want the truth and can handle th truth, but it's deception and being deceived which frightens us most.

 

There will be those who will qualify cheating as a valid excuse if someone is not "happy" in their relationship. Odd....how if that were the case both partners should be cheating.

 

The question is....if both spouses were unhappy... And the problems in the marriage are 50/50.....why didn't they both cheat?

 

The only thing you can controll or prevent is your own behaviour and actions.

[HermioneG]

A person can appear to be in a happy marriage but they themselves are clearly not happy IN that marriage, but the word 'happy' needs defining according to how that person's mental state, and/or how s/he perceives their situation to be.

 

I really cannot make it any clearer than that.

 

So even if everyone in the marriage says they are happy with the marriage, they aren't.

 

Even if the wayward says they are.

 

They aren't, not really.

 

That's what you are saying, at the end of the day.

[TaraMaiden]

It wasn't me. It wasn't the marriage. It was from stuff that happened long before I met him- things I knew about, but had zero idea that they would cause boundary issues and crappy coping skills.

 

The other person was either aware of this problem, and admitted to it, or was aware of the problem, but didn't think it sufficient to warrant their spouse having the affair.

 

It also happened frequently that the other person was completely unaware of this problem, and had no idea that their spouse felt this way.

 

These are the points I was trying to make. This is how they relate to your issues.

[BHsigh]

A person can appear to be in a happy marriage but they themselves are clearly not happy IN that marriage, but the word 'happy' needs defining according to how that person's mental state, and/or how s/he perceives their situation to be.

 

I really cannot make it any clearer than that.

 

And I can not make it any clearer than asking "Can a person have an affair even if they are in a happy marriage".

 

You know the definition of a happy marriage.

 

But lets just say that both parties are happy with each other, not unhappy, or thinking about leaving, they have sex a couple of times a week, they feel that their needs are met, the husband vaccums and cooks, the wife changes the oil and mows the lawn, then they switch the next week, they have a nice house, nice car, nice lawn, a yappy dog, a worthless cat etc. etc. etc.

 

Would it be possible for that husband to have a ONS during a business trip halfway across the world because that he thinks that his wife will never find out? Just for sex. Or vice versa, the wife is on a business trip.

[TaraMaiden]

I would need to talk to that person, to establish their individual rationale....

 

but in my experience even the most apparently senseless ONS had a reason behind them.

[BHsigh]

I would need to talk to that person, to establish their individual rationale....

 

but in my experience even the most apparently senseless ONS had a reason behind them.

 

I gave you the rationale, just for sex because they thought that their spouse could never possibly find out.

 

So, Is that possible, yes or no?

[Furious]

I would need to talk to that person, to establish their individual rationale....

 

but in my experience even the most apparently senseless ONS had a reason behind them.

 

And that reason may or may not have anything to do with the betrayed spouse.

[Eggplant]

Pick a relationship partner who values loyalty and some sacrifice.

[KathyM]

Oftentimes the marriage will be going good, and a partner decides to cheat because of issues solely within himself (i.e., narcissistic, sense of entitlement, poor boundaries, poor character, etc.) There are also many cases where the marriage was going through a rough time or the marriage wasn't healthy at the time infidelity occurred. By paying attention to the red flags in a partner before marriage (i.e., narcissistic, poor boundaries, poor character, etc.), and ending the relationship when a red flag presents itself, a person greatly lowers their chances of being cheated on. Oftentimes, if a person really gets to know their partner before marriage, the red flags, if any, will present themselves and should not be ignored or dismissed. My sister's first husband who cheated on her showed narcissistic traits while they were dating, but she chose to ignore them. Her second husband who also cheated on her showed a history of multiple failed marriages. She rationalized to herself that somehow this time would be different, and that he learned the necessary lessons from previous failed marriages. She ignored the red flag, or rationalized it away, and sure enough, he repeated the same pattern with her that caused his prior marriages to fail. My point being that there are plenty of cases where a BS has put in their best effort in the marriage, and both spouses would consider their marriage good, but the BS is still cheated on because of issues within the WS himself, such as narcissism, sense of entitlement, poor coping skills, etc.

[Quiet Storm]

People in happy marriages cheat all the time.

 

Most of it is prompted by a sense of entitlement.. people that have happy marriages, but still feel that they deserve to "indulge" once in awhile.

 

They see cheating as "no big deal" and don't see the point of concerning their wives with it. It's no different to them than buying a new set of golf clubs and not telling the wife about it.

 

They would view it similar to this.... He has a Lexus that he absolutely loves and would never part with. He is 100% happy with the car. However, his brother is on vacation and said he could drive his Mercedes Benz. He thought it would be fun to drive a different car and enjoyed the drive. However, he still loves his Lexus and would never trade it in. His enjoyment from driving the Mercedes does not mean he wasn't really happy with his Lexus.

 

I know that using cars as an example trivializes infidelity- BUT THAT'S THE POINT. Many men DO trivialize infidelity (their own infidelity anyway...it probably wouldn't be as trivial if their wives were cheating). They honestly do not feel that an occasional indiscretion is a threat to their marriage, nor is it a reflection of their personal happiness. It's about opportunity... having the experience of driving the Benz, having the experience of a new/different woman.

 

They don't want to be divorced. They don't want a different wife. They don't think their marriages need improvement. They just want something different once in awhile.

 

 

The best way to guard against cheating is to look at the background and personality of the person. What models did they have growing up? How is their familiy of origin? Does the person seem to need excessive attention or validation? Does the person retaliate when feeling "wronged"? Have they cheated on partners in the past? Do they lie, even about small things? Do they have the ability to emotionally detach from situations or compartmentalize? How do they react to other cheaters, in real life or on TV/movies?

Edited March 4, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[HermioneG]

These are the points I was trying to make. This is how they relate to your issues.

 

I understand the point you were trying to make.

 

And no, it is not.

[Furious]

It's not uncommon for a cheater or those who empathize with a cheater to believe that cheating is a byproduct of an "unhappy" relationship.

 

Cheating is only "one" of many choices an unhappy person can make and the easiest choice to choose.

 

Why is cheating a more attractive choice than divorce?

 

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that cheating fixes nothing, other than a holiday from the real issues in a committed relationship.

 

The blame game is a no brainer....whereas owing authenticity doubled with honesty is not for the weak willed.

 

Cheaters invest in not getting caught....if a cheater really was that unhappy they wouldn't invest in deceit but rather they'd put their energy into divorcing as amicably as possible.

[Got it]

If I can throw my hat into the ring on this.

 

I think the argument around a happy marriage that can't be a happy marriage is tied to each party being "happy". There are some people that even if the marriage is meeting all needs, and the other party is happy, that doesn't equal that the WS is happy because, for some people, can not/are not/have not learned to be happy.

 

I also think there is a clarification between happy and content. For some happy means content, for others happy but still be discontent. That it is within them that no matter how satisfactory the marriage is/should be they are always left . . . wanting.

 

Not sure if that helps this debate or adds more confusion but my two cents. I have come across a number of people that no matter how much they get or accomplish they will never be fully happy/content. Some of the world's most successful people are this way, the drive for better/more/etc. For others their own thought process will distort what is being said or done.

 

A person can be happy in their marriage but if they are not in the early heady/limerance rush they are seeking that again.