hotpotato Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 The reason why I'm so confused is that because a girl who was in a relationship constantly was flirting and saying she likes me, she still does it now and I have gotten to know her a lot better, plus her boyfriend already broke it off with her. Now, I am not sure if I should pursue her or just don't do anything. IMO it's usually not good for people to jump out of one relationship right into another. I think people should grieve the previous relationship and then move on. I consider people just out of relationship as people in transition, and sometimes it's easier to transition by having another relationship. IMO saying she like you while she is taken is inappropriate. Imagine being in a relationship with a girl who was telling other guys she liked them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted March 6, 2014 Author Share Posted March 6, 2014 IMO it's usually not good for people to jump out of one relationship right into another. I think people should grieve the previous relationship and then move on. I consider people just out of relationship as people in transition, and sometimes it's easier to transition by having another relationship. IMO saying she like you while she is taken is inappropriate. Imagine being in a relationship with a girl who was telling other guys she liked them. I know what you mean, but this girl only wanted my attention, it was kind of peculiar to me,because she almost caused a scene last week just to get my attention. Now I just talk to her like we are friends, and she seems to be a very shy girl when I got to know her more. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 You can pick your partner according to every ruleset in the world - it doesn't matter because people change, and they act and pretend, to show their most appealing side while dating. You may have a lot of communication - it doesn't matter if one partner is lying to cover up their intentions. You may treat you partner like the most valuable person in the world - it doesn't matter if your partner feels entitled to be treated even better and takes what he/she have for granted. And nothing matter if your partner just believes that an affair will never be discovered, so he/she might as well have a little extra, no one will get hurt, you know. Please don't make it sound as if you can guard and protect yourself againgst cheating - learn to deal with uncertainty instead, don't invest more of yourself in the relationship than you believe you can "afford" to lose - and definitely don't lose yourself if you're in an LTR (happens a lot, I think, I know I did). Yet, it won't help listing these things - I think people need to experience it to understand it. Sometimes people change, and I agree that there is no guarantee a spouse won't cheat. I also agree that some people put up a good facade in order to attract a person and keep a relationship, but eventually their true colors come out. Hopefully those colors come out before investing a lot of time in a relationship, and hopefully before marriage. There usually are red flags while a person is still dating that could indicate a poor risk for a relationship partner, such as someone that is flirtatious with others or seems to want/seek attention from people of the opposite sex while in a relationship, or the person has narcissistic traits or a history of cheating on a partner, or poor boundaries, just to name a few. For example, a long-time friend of mine was always a very flirtatious woman and would often show way to much attention to other people's boyfriends and seek attention from other people's boyfriends when she was single. After being in a relationship for several years, she ended up having an emotional affair with an old crush she had. Poor boundaries, which she has always demonstrated throughout her adult life. The writing was on the wall for that one. I can give many other examples from people I know, where the red flags were evident. There is no guarantee that your partner will never cheat, but there are certainly ways to minimize the risk of it. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 You should treat them well because they are you partner. To treat them well with the hope or expectation it will discourage them from cheating is folly. Of course you should treat them well because they are your partner. By treating them well, you do reduce the risk that your spouse will stray, but certainly the motivation for treating them well is because you care about them. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 Of course you should treat them well because they are your partner. By treating them well, you do reduce the risk that your spouse will stray, but certainly the motivation for treating them well is because you care about them. Well, that depends. Many cheaters don't even label the relationship as troublesome. Sometimes they do in the beginning to justify cheating, but in the end the truth comes out-they just wanted something different. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 Well, that depends. Many cheaters don't even label the relationship as troublesome. Sometimes they do in the beginning to justify cheating, but in the end the truth comes out-they just wanted something different. True, there are those that have what they consider a good marriage, but choose to cheat because of a sense of entitlement, or poor boundaries, or their culture promotes/encourages/tolerates it, or for various reasons within themselves, while they would still consider their marriage as good. My sister's first husband would be a prime example of that. They were married for only a year when he first cheated, and both considered their marriage to be a happy one at that time, but he felt entitled to cheat because he is narcissistic and has poor boundaries and a sense of entitlement. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 True, there are those that have what they consider a good marriage, but choose to cheat because of a sense of entitlement, or poor boundaries, or their culture promotes/encourages/tolerates it, or for various reasons within themselves, while they would still consider their marriage as good. My sister's first husband would be a prime example of that. They were married for only a year when he first cheated, and both considered their marriage to be a happy one at that time, but he felt entitled to cheat because he is narcissistic and has poor boundaries and a sense of entitlement. Right, or simply horny for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 Right, or simply horny for someone else. I would call that impulse control issues. People with poor impulse control make poor relationship partners. But in my brother-in-law's case, he felt entitled to cheat because he is a huge narcissist, which has played out in other areas of his life as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted March 7, 2014 Author Share Posted March 7, 2014 Right, or simply horny for someone else. You sound like a fun person to get along with...I mean that in compliment, not trying to be sarcastic. Link to post Share on other sites
mukkrakker Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 I need some help here on what a man/woman can do to prevent their partner from having an affair? Rescue a pound dog. Treat them right. No, it won't stop your partner having an affair but when they do, you'll have someone to talk to who will love you no matter what. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 I would call that impulse control issues. People with poor impulse control make poor relationship partners. But in my brother-in-law's case, he felt entitled to cheat because he is a huge narcissist, which has played out in other areas of his life as well. Maybe to some extent, but if you ask them it's just biology. They want variety. Say you like chocolate ice cream. No, you LOVE chocolate ice cream. It's the best ice cream in the world, but no matter how much you like it, sometimes you want strawberry ice cream. Sometimes you want cookies'n'cream. Your desire for strawberry ice cream or cookies'n'cream ice cream has nothing to do with nor does it take away from your love of chocolate ice cream. The above is exactly how some people think about cheating. Honestly, I'd rather them say the above than go around slandering my name so he can justify his cheating. It's taboo to say, "I just wanted to bonk someone else" but a lot of the time that's what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 You sound like a fun person to get along with...I mean that in compliment, not trying to be sarcastic. As I get older I'm becoming more blunt. I think it's showing! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Maybe to some extent, but if you ask them it's just biology. They want variety. Say you like chocolate ice cream. No, you LOVE chocolate ice cream. It's the best ice cream in the world, but no matter how much you like it, sometimes you want strawberry ice cream. Sometimes you want cookies'n'cream. Your desire for strawberry ice cream or cookies'n'cream ice cream has nothing to do with nor does it take away from your love of chocolate ice cream. The above is exactly how some people think about cheating. Honestly, I'd rather them say the above than go around slandering my name so he can justify his cheating. It's taboo to say, "I just wanted to bonk someone else" but a lot of the time that's what's going on. Well, people who value variety above their marriage, their children, their honesty, integrity and reputation, and are willing to risk all of those and hurt all of those in order to get that bit of variety are purely selfish, stupid, and have no business pretending to be in a monogamous relationship. They can remain single and get their variety, and stop dragging other innocent people along for the ride while they get their 2cents worth of kicks at others' expense. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Gee, I want me some variety. I don't only want the sons I have, so I'm going to go out and get pregnant by some man who can give me some daughters. I mean, VARIETY is the most important thing in life. I can never be happy with what I have. VARIETY can make me happy! Oh, but how will that make my husband and sons feel? Like they don't matter? Like they are not enough for me? Doesn't matter what they want or how they might feel, it only matters that I get the VARIETY that I want. That's all that's important. Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Gee, I want me some variety. I don't only want the sons I have, so I'm going to go out and get pregnant by some man who can give me some daughters. I mean, VARIETY is the most important thing in life. I can never be happy with what I have. VARIETY can make me happy! Oh, but how will that make my husband and sons feel? Like they don't matter? Like they are not enough for me? Doesn't matter what they want or how they might feel, it only matters that I get the VARIETY that I want. That's all that's important. Variety is more important to some people than it is to others. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Variety is more important to some people than it is to others. Apparently, some people place variety above all else. Link to post Share on other sites
BradJacobs Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Apparently, some people place variety above all else. Agreed. Or they are desperately trying to find an exit though they don't want to admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Sometimes people change, and I agree that there is no guarantee a spouse won't cheat. I also agree that some people put up a good facade in order to attract a person and keep a relationship, but eventually their true colors come out. Hopefully those colors come out before investing a lot of time in a relationship, and hopefully before marriage. There usually are red flags while a person is still dating that could indicate a poor risk for a relationship partner, such as someone that is flirtatious with others or seems to want/seek attention from people of the opposite sex while in a relationship, or the person has narcissistic traits or a history of cheating on a partner, or poor boundaries, just to name a few. For example, a long-time friend of mine was always a very flirtatious woman and would often show way to much attention to other people's boyfriends and seek attention from other people's boyfriends when she was single. After being in a relationship for several years, she ended up having an emotional affair with an old crush she had. Poor boundaries, which she has always demonstrated throughout her adult life. The writing was on the wall for that one. I can give many other examples from people I know, where the red flags were evident. There is no guarantee that your partner will never cheat, but there are certainly ways to minimize the risk of it. Yes, maybe. I also realize that the signs were there all the time, even from the beginning. The flirtation, poor boundaries, the need for external validation, mixed with a bit of selfishness and entitlement. They were all there, but I didn't realize the meaning of them back then, I was only 18 years old when I met her. Some of the more troublesome traits were also what made her attractive to me at the time, and I had no idea then, that these would be the catalyst for the destruction of our family unit 25 years later. Today, I know better and know what to look for, should I choose to divorce her. In hindsight... Link to post Share on other sites
Zenstudent Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Apparently, some people place variety above all else. Not necessarily so. I just think that, in their world, they believe that they can have both - no one needs to know, so no one will get hurt. The idea gets reinforced by the fact, that some friends get away with it, and it may even work out on the slippery slope for them selves for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author peruano99 Posted March 8, 2014 Author Share Posted March 8, 2014 Gee, I want me some variety. I don't only want the sons I have, so I'm going to go out and get pregnant by some man who can give me some daughters. I mean, VARIETY is the most important thing in life. I can never be happy with what I have. VARIETY can make me happy! Oh, but how will that make my husband and sons feel? Like they don't matter? Like they are not enough for me? Doesn't matter what they want or how they might feel, it only matters that I get the VARIETY that I want. That's all that's important. This was a sarcastic comment right? Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Not necessarily so. I just think that, in their world, they believe that they can have both - no one needs to know, so no one will get hurt. The idea gets reinforced by the fact, that some friends get away with it, and it may even work out on the slippery slope for them selves for a while. True, and others dont see the big deal and will be honest. They really dont see the big deal. I've been with a guy and known other girls whove dated guys like this. They sit you down. Tell you how much they love YOU and want to be with YOU, but he wants to go to strip clubs, see escorts, or otherwise have sexual contact with other women. Link to post Share on other sites
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