How to avoid getting cheated on?

[TaraMaiden]

I read very clearly. Thank you.

 

I am glad you understand- even though you previously stated you had no concrete examples of it- that people cheat in happy marriages and that the affairs very often have zero to do with their primary relationship.

I never said that either.

 

If that is what you meant, by previously stating you had no examples of that, then my apologies for making the assumption that you did not understand that.

The marriage cannot ever be 100% happy, if one partner finds it within themselves to be able to go out and cheat.

Either there IS a problem in the marriage the other spouse may or may not be blissfully aware of - or the cheating spouse has an issue within themselves that enables them to cheat rather than to address it.

But in either case, this 'happy marriage' is to a greater or lesser extent - a facade.

A truly Happy Marriage means that both partners are 100% committed to their 50% of the relationship dynamics, and ergo, to each other.

The question of cheating never arises.

[Zenstudent]

Where, how and why did I ever say it was?

Don't know where that came from - brain damage? My apologies.

 

I would like to get back to what you said, because now you made me read it again. You said:

"In that case [reference to post right before yours? = someone cheating], there's something wrong in the relationship - and that's a 50/50 thing.

No person who is completely contented and happy in their relationship, and totally in love with their partner - screwed around for no reason at all.

 

The cheater is to BLAME for the affair.

The couple is jointly RESPONSIBLE for the relationship"

Doesn't it follow from this, that if someone's cheating, it's because something in the relationship is wrong, and that there's a joint responsibility for this?

 

Otherwise I don't know how to read it. If I read it wrong, I take my 50% of the responsibility for our disagreement

 

Btw, who's responsible for me being happy in my relationship?

[Shepp]

Give me a concrete 'for instance', because in all my years in counselling, I never came across a couple where one person cheating, was 100% happy in the relationship.

Something, somewhere, is perceived as missing, or lacking.

 

Greed!

Greedy so cheat and then fall back on the I wasn't happy prior card. I know guys who've done it! They were happy, they just wanted extra.

[TaraMaiden]

I would like to get back to what you said, because now you made me read it again. You said:

Doesn't it follow from this, that if someone's cheating, it's because something in the relationship is wrong, and that there's a joint responsibility for this?

There is a joint responsibility for the health of the relationship. Both people have a responsibility to the other to do the best they can, and be the best they can, for themselves, and for the other person.

Everyone, regardless, takes their eye off the ball, at some point. We all lapse, become a little complacent, take the other for granted, forget about the things that matter, because life gets in the way.

Marriage and relationships are hard, constant work.

now: one person may be doing less than the other;

one person may 'give up' sooner, because they will not, or cannot put in the effort required. This could be a problem on their part, a problem on the part of the other person, or a PERCEIVED problem on the part of the other person (in other words, the 'cheater' projects.....)

The momnet the attention lapses, and we take our eye off the ball, and become complacent, and forget to pay attention, we're dweficient in our responsibility.

It happens.

it's not necessarily deliberate, wilful, planned or spiteful.

It just is.

 

Btw, who's responsible for me being happy in my relationship?

you are.

[peruano99]

Communication is also a good factor for a relationship to continue being a good one. If one partner feels unappreciated, but he/she doesn't communicate to their spouse and explain to them what the problem is, and how they can come to a mutual agreement on how to solve the problem, the relationship will struggle and an affair can happen.

[TaraMaiden]

The three supporting factors in all and every relationship are:

 

Trust

Communication

Respect.

 

(intimacy of course is also essential, but over time, that falls and decreases... however, a loving couple in tune on the above 'frequencies' will not always need sex as the 'icing on the cake'.)

[hasaquestion]

You don't.

 

Relationships work because both parties voluntarily are in them.

 

She can't stop him from cheating on her. He can't stop her from cheating on him. You are there because you want to be and you can leave because you want to leave. And vice versa.

 

Worry about the things you can control, not the things you can't.

[BHsigh]

It can't be 'an excuse'. It can't be a justification, or reason. there is absolutely no valid, justified reason for cheating.

 

I agree with that, which is why I called it an excuse. People make excuses for many things that they do wrong, I never said that it was valid, just that it could be an excuse.

 

Great, now excuse looks and sounds funny.

 

 

I didn't say the relationship problems are 50/50.

I said that the state, health and well-being of the relationship is 50/50.

Each person is responsible for nurturing, nourishing, feeding and helping in the growth of the relationship.

Each person is responsible for their input.

100% 0f their 50%.

 

One partner may WELL be giving everything they've got to it, but if the OTHER person isn't completely committed (ie, the cheater) then let's say they're only giving 20%.

 

Their partner can't make up the 30% extra deficit....

 

So then both partners wouldn't be responsible for the lack in the relationship in that case, correct?

[Revolver]

People get cheated on for a variety of reasons so its hard to say

[HermioneG]

I never said that either.

 

 

The marriage cannot ever be 100% happy, if one partner finds it within themselves to be able to go out and cheat.

Either there IS a problem in the marriage the other spouse may or may not be blissfully aware of - or the cheating spouse has an issue within themselves that enables them to cheat rather than to address it.

But in either case, this 'happy marriage' is to a greater or lesser extent - a facade.

A truly Happy Marriage means that both partners are 100% committed to their 50% of the relationship dynamics, and ergo, to each other.

The question of cheating never arises.

 

 

Simply put, you are wrong.

 

And that's okay.

 

You can understand the reason why by investigating the research and authors I mentioned in previous posts. I understand exactly what you are saying. You are just, unfortunately, incorrect.

[TaraMaiden]

It's a question of perception, here.

If a person is doing everything they possibly can to do whatever they feel is right, and is devoted 100% to making the relationship work - one would have to question the perception of the other partner to see whether quality lacked, even if quantity was up to scratch.

 

I'll give you an example off this forum:

There's one (male) poster who believes he is doing everything absolutely 100% correctly with regard to his input into the relationship he has with his wife.

But he keeps finding fault with her part.

He is convinced the problem is not his; and maybe he IS doing "everything right" - according to him, he is.

According to many others, he is, too.

But his wife isn't happy, and to be frank, many members have had to tell him where his opinion is flawed....

 

This is where communication - proper, effective, constructive communication - is vital.

 

What one person may feel is faultless, the other person may see as lacking - because they haven't talked about it.

 

One phrase I heard all too often, in counselling, was "well, I assumed......"

[TaraMaiden]

Simply put, you are wrong.

 

And that's okay.

 

You can understand the reason why by investigating the research and authors I mentioned in previous posts. I understand exactly what you are saying. You are just, unfortunately, incorrect.

Explain to me, from your perspective, where I have it wrong.

I'm not poking, sincerely.

I'm looking to be educated, and would be interested to know.

 

[carhill]

My best advice from walking the path is, all else being equal in the selection process, pay attention to communication, listen (listening is often under-rated!) and remain sensitive to marital/relationship 'fluctuations', e.g. changes in the 'tone' of the marriage/relationship, and address those issues as they arise rather than giving the benefit of the doubt or ignoring them. Trust yourself and your sensibilities and hold the mirror up occasionally to gaze upon the reflection and how it looks and is doing in the marriage/relationship as none of us are perfect.

 

As generally nothing in life is 100% guaranteed, except it ending, 'avoiding' infidelity is never guaranteed. That said, there are plenty of steps one can enact to create a high hurdle to infidelity impacting their life.

[HermioneG]

Explain to me, from your perspective, where I have it wrong.

I'm not poking, sincerely.

I'm looking to be educated, and would be interested to know.

 

 

I gave you the authors- Pittman, Glass, Fisher and Gottman. They can explain far more than I can. And I mean that with absolute sincerity.

 

Basically- what you have wrong is your comment that a person in a happy marriage doesn't cheat. You make comments about relationships being 50/50- which is true- but not connected to cheating.

 

You are stating, and I don't even think you realize it- that cheating is the fault of the cheater, and then adding a "but". There is no but.

 

Some people have crappy marriages. And a partner will cheat. Still on them. Other person is in marriage, not cheating.

 

But the really frightening thing about infidelity is that is also happening in happy marriages, for reasons unconnected to the marriage at all. It can be childhood issues, crappy coping skills, or other things. But there's a clear separation between the marriage and the cheating.

 

Which was hard for me, at first. I knew I had a happy marriage. My spouse lacked for nothing from me, and I lacked for nothing from him.

 

And that's the scary thing. And that's a not uncommon thing.

[TaraMaiden]

I gave you the authors- Pittman, Glass, Fisher and Gottman. They can explain far more than I can. And I mean that with absolute sincerity.

 

Basically- what you have wrong is your comment that a person in a happy marriage doesn't cheat.

The marriage may to all intents and purposes LOOK happy - but the person who cheats, within that marriage, is not 'happy'. What that definition of 'happy' is, remains to be seen....

You make comments about relationships being 50/50- which is true- but not connected to cheating.

I don't get your point here, sorry....

 

You are stating, and I don't even think you realize it- that cheating is the fault of the cheater, and then adding a "but". There is no but.

You're right - there is no 'but'. It IS their fault.

I never said, intimated, hinted or suggested otherwise.

It IS all their fault.

Where have i said otherwise?

 

Some people have crappy marriages. And a partner will cheat. Still on them. Other person is in marriage, not cheating.

yes.... and?

 

But the really frightening thing about infidelity is that is also happening in happy marriages, for reasons unconnected to the marriage at all.

 

It can be childhood issues, crappy coping skills, or other things. But there's a clear separation between the marriage and the cheating.

no. These are just excuses, projections and poor communication.

If a person were more honest about what ailed them, and confided, through effective communication and/or counselling, that these things were making them discontented, then the affair/cheating could be avoided. It's lack of communication - the fault of the cheater, looking for outside validation - that creates the schism.

But it won't be the ONLY, sole, unique reason they decide to cheat.

At least, in my experience, although there initially appeared to be 'just one reason/excuse' - it often blew up into a culmination of things. And at one point or another to a greater or lesser degree, it implicated the other partner, who was either conscious, or UNconscious of the fact.

 

Which was hard for me, at first. I knew I had a happy marriage. My spouse lacked for nothing from me, and I lacked for nothing from him.

I can't possibly comment and would not insult you by doing so.

[BHsigh]

Tara,

 

How can it be so hard to understand that some people just do things without ryme or reason? Not because they are unhappy, or sad, or anything, but just because they want to and they think that they will get away with it.

 

Your argument that an affair comes from an unhappy marriage is far too simplistic. You're seriously telling me that you've never heard about a guy on a business trip having a ONS for no other reason than he could? You're saying that he has to be unhappy in his marriage to do this? That it had nothing to do with being in the right situation and not having strong enough morals to stop it.

 

I'm just going to agree to disagree with you, as you're far too black and white on this issue.

[KathyM]

I would say there are three primary ways to avoid being cheated on:

 

 

#1. Choose your partner wisely. Don't be in a relationship with a person who has shown poor character or poor judgement in the past. Don't be in a relationship with someone who has a very casual attitude towards sex and relationships, or someone who shows poor boundaries or poor coping. Usually, there are red flags that would indicate the person is a poor risk for a LTR. Unfortunately, many people ignore those red flags and then get burnt.

 

 

#2. Take good care of your marriage and protect it. Keep your sex life with your spouse fun/enjoyable/frequent. Don't neglect it, and don't neglect your relationship. Maintain the emotional connection with your spouse and don't neglect that. Give validation to your spouse and don't take him/her for granted. If your marriage is going through a difficult time, get help. Get counseling to get it back on track. Maintain good boundaries with outsiders. Make it clear to your spouse, through discussion, how much you value his faithfulness and his commitment to the relationship, and how you always want to know if there are things that are troubling him. Maintain good communication with your spouse. When the subject of cheating comes up, such as with someone in the news or someone you know who is caught cheating, use that as an opportunity to state your strong stance against infidelity, discuss the tremendous harm that is done by it, and your zero tolerance policy towards it. In the same discussion, express your appreciation for your spouse's faithfulness and character.

 

 

#3. Have a zero tolerance policy towards infidelity. If your spouse cheated, don't sweep it under the rug with minimal negative consequences for him. Either leave the relationship, or if you decide to reconcile, make sure there is true remorse from your spouse, and that work is done (preferably through counseling) to repair whatever issues within your spouse and within your marriage that contributed to the infidelity. Make sure strong boundaries and accountability are put in place to protect your relationship in the future. Let your spouse know that you are giving him another chance because he seems to be genuinely sorry for his actions and has shown willingness to work on his issues (assuming he is), but let him know, in no uncertain terms, that there will not be another chance if he cheats again, and that that will be the end of your relationship. If you keep taking him back, he will learn that you will tolerate his infidelity, and that he can continue to cheat with minimal negative consequences.

[TaraMaiden]

Tara,

 

How can it be so hard to understand that some people just do things without ryme or reason? Not because they are unhappy, or sad, or anything, but just because they want to and they think that they will get away with it.

Because THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON.

 

Your argument that an affair comes from an unhappy marriage is far too simplistic.

I did also add that even in a marriage which appears happy, the cheater may not be happy within that marriage... definitions of 'happy' need clarifying, of course....

 

You're seriously telling me that you've never heard about a guy on a business trip having a ONS for no other reason than he could? You're saying that he has to be unhappy in his marriage to do this?

No.

if you read my comment above, that would be a supplementary explanation

 

That it had nothing to do with being in the right situation and not having strong enough morals to stop it.

I'd want to know why thoughts of cheating on his wife would be insufficient to prevent his cheating.

 

 

I'm just going to agree to disagree with you, as you're far too black and white on this issue.

It's not in the slightest bit simple, or black and white. There's so much at stake in cheating, the why's and wherefores, but I would say that the incidents of people in a supposedly happy marriage, finding a cheating partner, fall far below those where there is a degree of unhappiness within the marriage.

[BHsigh]

Because THERE IS ALWAYS A REASON.

 

And yet, that reason has to be that they are unhappy in their marriage, in no way possible could it be that they just can or that they think that they will get away with it. That's what you're saying, that there is only one reason, and unhappy marriage.

 

I did also add that even in a marriage which appears happy, the cheater may not be happy within that marriage... definitions of 'happy' need clarifying, of course.....

 

May not be happy, or isn't happy, make up your mind here.

 

I'd want to know why thoughts of cheating on his wife would be insufficient to prevent his cheating......

 

Do you honestly believe that thinking things through would stop everyone from doing anything wrong? Perhaps in his mind he thought that he wouldn't be caught, and therefore would never "hurt" his wife.

 

 

It's not in the slightest bit simple, or black and white. There's so much at stake in cheating, the why's and wherefores, but I would say that the incidents of people in a supposedly happy marriage, finding a cheating partner, fall far below those where there is a degree of unhappiness within the marriage.

 

That is very simplistic and very black and white.

[TaraMaiden]

And yet, that reason has to be that they are unhappy in their marriage, in no way possible could it be that they just can or that they think that they will get away with it. That's what you're saying, that there is only one reason, and unhappy marriage.

 

 

 

 

May not be happy, or isn't happy, make up your mind here.

 

 

 

Do you honestly believe that thinking things through would stop everyone from doing anything wrong? Perhaps in his mind he thought that he wouldn't be caught, and therefore would never "hurt" his wife.

 

 

 

 

That is very simplistic and very black and white.

 

look; You're listening, but you're not hearing, or you're choosing to not hear. You're interpreting my comments in a way that suits your experience, and you're convinced you're right, and I'm wrong.

 

Suffice to say that whatever happened to you, was, and is, in your mind and conviction, nothing whatsoever to do with you.

 

Fine, I'm done discussing this with you.

[HermioneG]

The marriage may to all intents and purposes LOOK happy - but the person who cheats, within that marriage, is not 'happy'. What that definition of 'happy' is, remains to be seen....

 

I don't get your point here, sorry....

 

You're right - there is no 'but'. It IS their fault.

I never said, intimated, hinted or suggested otherwise.

It IS all their fault.

Where have i said otherwise?

 

 

yes.... and?

 

 

no. These are just excuses, projections and poor communication.

If a person were more honest about what ailed them, and confided, through effective communication and/or counselling, that these things were making them discontented, then the affair/cheating could be avoided. It's lack of communication - the fault of the cheater, looking for outside validation - that creates the schism.

But it won't be the ONLY, sole, unique reason they decide to cheat.

At least, in my experience, although there initially appeared to be 'just one reason/excuse' - it often blew up into a culmination of things. And at one point or another to a greater or lesser degree, it implicated the other partner, who was either conscious, or UNconscious of the fact.

 

 

I can't possibly comment and would not insult you by doing so.

 

I really suggest you read the authors I listed above.

 

I'd start with Frank Pittman, Private Lies. I think what I am saying is not resonating with you, so let the good doctor have a try.

[TaraMaiden]

I'd be happy to read it; but I looked on Amazon, and the reviews are not all complimentary.

Nevertheless, I'll try to obtain it and give it a go. I'd be interested....

[HermioneG]

I'd be happy to read it; but I looked on Amazon, and the reviews are not all complimentary.

Nevertheless, I'll try to obtain it and give it a go. I'd be interested....

 

Okay.

 

If you don't like the reviews, then don't bother. You could also read Glass' Not Just Friends, which may have better reviews.

 

At the end of the day- you are absolutely correct that the cheater always has a reason to cheat. For sure.

 

It just isn't necessarily a reason that is connected to the marriage, the spouse, or anything like that.

 

I appreciate that you decided not to make comments about my marriage, although I was dismayed that you think that if a person really looks hard at what happened they will somehow magically find a way to prove that their happy marriage wasn't happy.

 

You said this:

 

"But it won't be the ONLY, sole, unique reason they decide to cheat.

At least, in my experience, although there initially appeared to be 'just one reason/excuse' - it often blew up into a culmination of things. And at one point or another to a greater or lesser degree, it implicated the other partner, who was either conscious, or UNconscious of the fact. "

 

That's not how it works.

 

A happy marriage is not an inoculation against an affair. Be careful of ever thinking that's true, or people who tell you so. Infidelity is a personal problem, not a relational one.

[rumbleseat]

There is a joint responsibility for the health of the relationship. Both people have a responsibility to the other to do the best they can, and be the best they can, for themselves, and for the other person.

Everyone, regardless, takes their eye off the ball, at some point. We all lapse, become a little complacent, take the other for granted, forget about the things that matter, because life gets in the way.

Marriage and relationships are hard, constant work.

now: one person may be doing less than the other;

one person may 'give up' sooner, because they will not, or cannot put in the effort required. This could be a problem on their part, a problem on the part of the other person, or a PERCEIVED problem on the part of the other person (in other words, the 'cheater' projects.....)

The momnet the attention lapses, and we take our eye off the ball, and become complacent, and forget to pay attention, we're dweficient in our responsibility.

It happens.

it's not necessarily deliberate, wilful, planned or spiteful.

It just is.

 

 

you are.

 

 

I have to take exception with this.

 

While in many cases, you are correct, in some, you are not.

 

A while back, I was doing some research for my work and spoke with soldiers and who had recently returned from combat and their spouses. Many of the soldiers suffered form ptsd, and some had had A.

 

In this situation, the M had nothing to do with the choices and actions of the person who cheated. They cheated because they were ( to use the jargon the soldiers themselves used) "broken". There is absolutely nothing the bs could have said, done or not said or done that would have made a difference.

 

This happens in other situations as well.

 

I'm not saying that it the bs never plays a role, many times, the do play a 50% role in the state of the M. whatever role they do play, there are always alternatives to cheating. Always.

[BHsigh]

look; You're listening, but you're not hearing, or you're choosing to not hear. You're interpreting my comments in a way that suits your experience, and you're convinced you're right, and I'm wrong.

 

Suffice to say that whatever happened to you, was, and is, in your mind and conviction, nothing whatsoever to do with you.

 

Fine, I'm done discussing this with you.

 

Actually, my situation was far from different than what I was arguing, I know that my wife was unhappy.

 

I'm arguing that there are more possibilities than just having an unhappy marriage, you're arguing that there isn't, how am I hearing you wrong?