AnneT1985 Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) Hi y'all I was wondering what your opinion is on this, and how to properly set boundaries with such a friend if you would continue being this person's friend. When I was pregnant with my first my friend whom I'll call Angie came to my baby shower and was great about coming to visit after the birth and a number of positive things. The thing is that she seems to feel she is a parenting expert (I can't attest to what she really feels...only her words and actions) and is not a parent. She also doesn't seem to be able to distinguish facts from opinion, and contradicts/condemns my parenting choices in a seemingly passive aggressive sense. For example, if I chose to breastfeed "there is no point in breastfeeding and it's not better". If I chose not to circumsize well "that is gross I am definitely circumcising". I mentioned that I prefer to have my family live in a smaller town and her response was "kids raised in cities are way better off and more grateful people". When I discussed with her the complications and pain I had in labor her response was a dismissive "it doesn't hurt if you believe in drugs". Well, all of us ladies who've been through it know differently. She also seems to know for a fact that only children WILL be screwed up. I have no issue with her choices should she become a parent...whether to breastfeed, circumcise or anything else and I am wondering what her issue is with mine. She will refuses to listen to why I chose differently or educate herself in any sense before giving these hard and fast generalizations and "facts". I don't know if she is just anxious about if she has kids and the work and choices involved or if she is being aggressive and has some sort of agenda. I don't know if I should say something, distance myself or just let her learn the hard way if she has children. What do y'all think about this? I'd love your thoughts and I find this board to be an intelligent and very helpful bunch so thank you in advance!! xx Edited March 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 Rely to her comments with: "Well I'm delighted you've found what works for you!" She will then in all likelihood (a) try to expand, and emphasise her opinion, or (b) admit that of course she doesn't have kids yet.... In which case (a) just repeat that you're glad she's found whatever works for her.... or (b) tell her to shut up and keep her opinions to herself until she has.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ReinventingMe Posted March 4, 2014 Share Posted March 4, 2014 As I was reading what you wrote I couldn't help but wonder to myself, could your friend Angie be a we bit jealous of the baby or the fact that you have a babyÉ It isn't unusual for this to happen especially if you and Angie have been friends for a long time. she may feel that you are moving into a new kind of life (which you are-that of a parent) and maybe Angie feels threatened and her only way of reacting is to be passive aggressive and argumentative. If she truly is a great friend Ièm sure after awhile things will smooth out between you two. As for what to do presently, if the friendship is worth it, just bear with it. If it becomes too much of a burden why not talk to her. Tell her that you appreciate her friendship and value her feelings and thoughts but some of the things she says bother you or make you feel like she is belittling you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 If she's been a good friend outside of this, I don't think it's time yet to let the friendship go. Try some different tactics. If you've been trying to defend your decisions, stop. You don't need to explain yourself. In fact, how about talking about your baby as little as possible with her? If she asks you questions, say something like, "I've been surrounded by diapers and spit up for days now, would you mind if we talk about something else? How's work going?" Try to have some dismissive phrases at the ready for when she offers an unsolicited opinion. "Hm. Thanks for the info." "Oh, I'd never heard of that before." "Interesting..." Follow each of these responses with an immediate change of subject. "Anyway! Have you seen any good movies lately?" If she persists, then you might want to have a talk with her and just tell her that sometimes her opinions come across as attacks on your parenting and that you'd rather talk about something else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 It's really hard and quite annoying to be around someone who appears to be a 'know it all and expert in everything' especially since she doesn't even have children, yet she knows best. Not sure if pointing it out to her will do any good (?) but you could try to talk to her and tell her how you feel about her comments. Or, let it slide and laugh it off...And depending on how good of a friend she is, just distance yourself from her, don't call her as much and stop putting effort into the friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 She just has opinions, that's all. Two things. First of all, be honest. Do you ever talk to her about anything besides pregnancy and having kids? Talk about something else. If you talk about your kids or pregnancy all the time, you can't fuss when they don't agree with everything you say. Change the subject. And don't forget that being a parent doesn't make a person an expert on parenting. I've known a lot of people without kids who would be better parents than a lot of people with them. So don't undermine her opinion for that reason. But more than anything, if everything you talk about centers around your kids now, stop that and keep the subject on normal topics like you talked about before the pregnancy. Then once she has a kid, you'll have your turn aggravating her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnneT1985 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) She just has opinions, that's all. Two things. First of all, be honest. Do you ever talk to her about anything besides pregnancy and having kids? Talk about something else. If you talk about your kids or pregnancy all the time, you can't fuss when they don't agree with everything you say. Change the subject. And don't forget that being a parent doesn't make a person an expert on parenting. I've known a lot of people without kids who would be better parents than a lot of people with them. So don't undermine her opinion for that reason. But more than anything, if everything you talk about centers around your kids now, stop that and keep the subject on normal topics like you talked about before the pregnancy. Then once she has a kid, you'll have your turn aggravating her. I appreciate your opinion, but there are several false presumptions and personal attacks Id like to clarify. 1) I do not only talk about parenting, she talks about it more than I do- hence why I mentioned her possibly having anxiety regarding it. 2)Not once did I claim to be an expert on parenting or expect everyone to agree with what I say, or "fuss" about it. 3) I have several things going on in my life outside of my children that I'd enjoy talking about and hearing about, hence why I wrote this post regarding my friends issue on it. 4) I do not want to aggravate, alienate or aggress upon anyone's lifestyle choices, especially those I can not relate to, so no, it will not be my turn. 5) Having an opinion is one thing, contradicting and arguing and nitpicking on the opposite of what someone says, especially when you do not know, is another. 6) Talk to any woman who has given birth-it actually does hurt, regardless of any outside "opinions" telling them that it didn't. Please refrain from calling people bad parents or decide who or who should not parent in the future as well if you don't mind- that is not what this post is about and in my opinion is highly antagonistic. This is an intelligent thread of moderate and reasonable folk. Thank you kindly:) Edited March 5, 2014 by AnneT1985 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I don't see anything antagonistic or personally attacking you in preraph's post. Anyway, TaraMaiden had the right advice. Don't get defensive with your friend when she has a different opinion. Just dismiss it and move on. If you can't get past her opinions, you'll need to discuss it with her. But - the number one thing you can do for yourself is not to make other people's opinions about you. You can make your own choices. Doesn't matter what other people think or do, as long as you believe you are doing the right thing for your child. There are always going to be other people, with or without kids, who disagree with your choices. Their opinions are no more valid than yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnneT1985 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) I don't see anything antagonistic or personally attacking you in preraph's post I disagree and think the post is baiting, presumptuous and false. My post is also not about someone's personal opinion or differing opinion. Its about judging, telling someone indirectly that what they do is wrong and coming off like you know more consistently when you are not that person and are not having their experience. Thanks for your comment. Edited March 5, 2014 by AnneT1985 Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I disagree and think the post is baiting, presumptuous and false. My post is also not about someone's personal opinion or differing opinion. Its about judging, telling someone indirectly that what they do is wrong and coming off like you know more consistently when you are not that person and are not having their experience. Thanks for your comment. What is false? Preraph is just asking IF you do those things, not saying you do. And I went back and read your friend's comments. I don't see judging in there. Maybe she said more and you didn't disclose that, but saying circumcision is gross or breastfeeding isn't better is not a judgment of your choice. Those are just her opinions, wrong as they may be. So even though you will probably think I am attacking you, I am going to guess that you are hyper-sensitive in general. Rather than look at this as an attack, please just think about it. Do you get your feelings hurt easily? Do you get offended or angered easily? Is there someone in your past that hurt you and caused you to distrust the intentions of other people? Your friend is crossing a line by interjecting her opinions into all your parenting choices, but you should be able to hear it - even if she IS judging you - without personalizing it. If she's judging you, who cares? It doesn't have to change your mind, and you are entitled to make your own decisions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnneT1985 Posted March 5, 2014 Author Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) What is false? Preraph is just asking IF you do those things, not saying you do. And I went back and read your friend's comments. I don't see judging in there. Maybe she said more and you didn't disclose that, but saying circumcision is gross or breastfeeding isn't better is not a judgment of your choice. Those are just her opinions, wrong as they may be. So even though you will probably think I am attacking you, I am going to guess that you are hyper-sensitive in general. Rather than look at this as an attack, please just think about it. Do you get your feelings hurt easily? Do you get offended or angered easily? Is there someone in your past that hurt you and caused you to distrust the intentions of other people? Your friend is crossing a line by interjecting her opinions into all your parenting choices, but you should be able to hear it - even if she IS judging you - without personalizing it. If she's judging you, who cares? It doesn't have to change your mind, and you are entitled to make your own decisions. I do not take this as an attack, and appreciate and understand your comments- thank you. It also doesn't bother me how my friend personally feels about breastfeeding or circumcision. And I agree with you about a space needed between hearing and personalizing. Edited March 5, 2014 by AnneT1985 Link to post Share on other sites
VeronicaRoss Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Didn't this characteristic in her bother you before? It's strange that now all of a sudden you're bothered by her manner. Did she have a personality change? Your tone here is 'I'm the parent so I know what's true' whether the issue is simply opinion vs. experience. I have to wonder if this attitude has caused tension, you might be acting dismissive and superior too. You really should ask as two friends going through a massive change. Some of your frustration makes sense --you do know what you experienced. It would be really annoying to hear her discount your experience in childbirth, it was really silly and judgmental as a friend. Maybe she's freaked out about the idea and is trying to convince herself it won't be that bad. But some of the things you talk about are just opinion, and yours aren't more valid than hers or anyone's. There are huge differences in parenting beliefs amongst parents. No one needs children to have an opinion about what's right for them, I'm sure you had plenty beforehand too: we've all been children, we're all surrounded by them, a huge part of our taxes go to their care, and we're all deeply affected by how they're raised. Hopefully going through it you're more sympathetic to other parents. But I hear knock down drag-outs amongst parents who disagree. It's like politics or religion. Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Hi y'all I was wondering what your opinion is on this, and how to properly set boundaries with such a friend if you would continue being this person's friend. When I was pregnant with my first my friend whom I'll call Angie came to my baby shower and was great about coming to visit after the birth and a number of positive things. The thing is that she seems to feel she is a parenting expert (I can't attest to what she really feels...only her words and actions) and is not a parent. She also doesn't seem to be able to distinguish facts from opinion, and contradicts/condemns my parenting choices in a seemingly passive aggressive sense. For example, if I chose to breastfeed "there is no point in breastfeeding and it's not better". If I chose not to circumsize well "that is gross I am definitely circumcising". I mentioned that I prefer to have my family live in a smaller town and her response was "kids raised in cities are way better off and more grateful people". When I discussed with her the complications and pain I had in labor her response was a dismissive "it doesn't hurt if you believe in drugs". Well, all of us ladies who've been through it know differently. She also seems to know for a fact that only children WILL be screwed up. I have no issue with her choices should she become a parent...whether to breastfeed, circumcise or anything else and I am wondering what her issue is with mine. She will refuses to listen to why I chose differently or educate herself in any sense before giving these hard and fast generalizations and "facts". I don't know if she is just anxious about if she has kids and the work and choices involved or if she is being aggressive and has some sort of agenda. I don't know if I should say something, distance myself or just let her learn the hard way if she has children. What do y'all think about this? I'd love your thoughts and I find this board to be an intelligent and very helpful bunch so thank you in advance!! xx Your friend may be just stating her opinions but the language she uses makes it seem like she is stating facts. From how she says things also leans towards judging, rather than stating an opinion. I get why this would get to you. Just have a talk about it, and let it go. If you guys are good friends I am sure you'll work things out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elias33 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Didn't this characteristic in her bother you before? It's strange that now all of a sudden you're bothered by her manner. Did she have a personality change? Your tone here is 'I'm the parent so I know what's true' whether the issue is simply opinion vs. experience. I have to wonder if this attitude has caused tension, you might be acting dismissive and superior too. You really should ask as two friends going through a massive change. Some of your frustration makes sense --you do know what you experienced. It would be really annoying to hear her discount your experience in childbirth, it was really silly and judgmental as a friend. Maybe she's freaked out about the idea and is trying to convince herself it won't be that bad. But some of the things you talk about are just opinion, and yours aren't more valid than hers or anyone's. There are huge differences in parenting beliefs amongst parents. No one needs children to have an opinion about what's right for them, I'm sure you had plenty beforehand too: we've all been children, we're all surrounded by them, a huge part of our taxes go to their care, and we're all deeply affected by how they're raised. Hopefully going through it you're more sympathetic to other parents. But I hear knock down drag-outs amongst parents who disagree. It's like politics or religion. I think you are right. Parenting is a topic much like religion and politics, it is more personal and sensitive. And I think her friend is careless in her choosing of words (not circumcising is gross, etc.). These are obvious subjective statements and needn't be said to a friend. And this is why I think it would bother me too. The purpose of advise should always be help, not an opportunity to state one's disliking. Well said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AnneT1985 Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 Didn't this characteristic in her bother you before? It's strange that now all of a sudden you're bothered by her manner. Did she have a personality change? Your tone here is 'I'm the parent so I know what's true' whether the issue is simply opinion vs. experience. I have to wonder if this attitude has caused tension, you might be acting dismissive and superior too. You really should ask as two friends going through a massive change. Some of your frustration makes sense --you do know what you experienced. It would be really annoying to hear her discount your experience in childbirth, it was really silly and judgmental as a friend. Maybe she's freaked out about the idea and is trying to convince herself it won't be that bad. But some of the things you talk about are just opinion, and yours aren't more valid than hers or anyone's. There are huge differences in parenting beliefs amongst parents. No one needs children to have an opinion about what's right for them, I'm sure you had plenty beforehand too: we've all been children, we're all surrounded by them, a huge part of our taxes go to their care, and we're all deeply affected by how they're raised. Hopefully going through it you're more sympathetic to other parents. But I hear knock down drag-outs amongst parents who disagree. It's like politics or religion. Thanks Veronica. No she didn't and yes I did notice it before. It seems more intense now because it seems to be a topic of real interest for her but It's me who feels more annoyed by it as it's a sensitive and personal issue. That's why I am asking advice on boundaries etc. I agree-I know what is true for me but I can't speak for others and their experiences. I never said my opinions were more valid than anyone else's. But I do know what works for my family personally. I also agree with your last sentiment. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
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