Guys: You want to hit on a girl, but you're intimidated because...

[Mr Scorpio]

Too little return? What if she's distracted and doesn't even notice you in the first place? What if this woman could be the perfect partner for you? You're not gonna even approach and say hi?

 

If she didn't notice me in the first place, a guy has no indication of whether or not she is receptive to being approached. Regardless, I'm not approaching. I would have no idea what to say beyond "hi" and in some instances would consider it an insult to the woman if I did approach.

 

And there's no harm in approaching a woman you barely know.

 

Most of the time this is true. For people with depression, low-esteem, etc, it can be harmful.

 

And a man won't approach just because he hasn't seen her around more often? I think that's silly. We meet people by randomly talking to them. That's how you make friends, connections. It's how you network. You can't just expect "getting to know each other" to happen on it's own before you approach. That's kind of naive...

 

I've never met a friend by randomly talking to them. It has always been a matter of context. Whether it was meeting kids because they lived in the same neighborhood, to people who go to the same school, to folks you work with, to individuals you meet via your social-circle. In every instance, you have some opportunity to get to know a person before expressing interest.

 

It's no wonder successful women are usually single.

 

Shrug. In my experience, shy guys are the vast-majority. Based on what I've read here, there are successful and attractive women who are single because they don't want the men who approach.

[Hello_is_it_me]

...her bf is right by her and looks scary.

[Bruce Leigh]

...her bf is right by her and looks scary.

 

 

Her ex is 6'3, 225lbs and a little unstable. Ah, good times

[venusishername]

I swear the title of this post is some women's eternal question... and the fear of rejection certainly goes both ways...

 

 

I am an attractive, independent, successful, confident woman and I usually have no trouble getting male attention (unfortunately, most of which is unwanted). But the vast majority stay at a distance, which irks me and confuses me. The ones who are bold enough to approach me are more often than not the ones that I don't want to talk to ( as Mr. Scorpio mentioned below). Sometimes there will be a 'winner', but it's been the exception, not the rule.

 

In my personal experience, if I am really interested in someone (meaning a stranger), I will approach him because I've gotten so used to the ones that I WANT to approach me not doing it (i.e. the quality men). So, that way if I approach them there leaves no room for doubt. I don't do that often, only when I'm absolutely COMPELLED to do it

 

 

I will say though, that it never hurts to just approach a woman you are interested in and just say, "I think you are really beautiful", or just strike up a conversation... even if she doesn't give you any 'green light'. Most women won't ever mind hearing, "I saw you from across the room and I just had to come talk to you." The men that I have ended up actually dating have all approached me and said some form of the above statements to express their interest. I was attracted to their confidence in approaching me and being straightforward regardless of whether or not they were intimidated by me. One man who was totally intimidated by me reverted into a stammering, nervous boy around me and I thought it was very endearing and adorable. He was just honest about how he felt and I just really appreciated his sincerity, even though he was shaking in his boots and blushed whenever I smiled at him. That actually made him more attractive to me than the overly cocky ones who would almost carelessly and nonchalantly make the beeline towards me. I think what works best is a sincere statement expressing your interest. You can't really go wrong with that.

 

 

I walked into a popular club recently with a group of friends, and literally the moment I walked into the door, some guy grabbed my arm and looked me up and down and said said something sleazy like "you look like you're trouble". Ew. Please guys, don't do that to women. I told him "I JUST walked in the door. Step off." I've heard many many sexist catcalls, honking horns, calls out the car window "nice ****", you name it. I don't know on what planet men think that women like that kind of attention. Recently it was a carload of teenage idiots honking at me and calling out to me, and I kept jogging and ignoring them and one said "bitch!" and I flipped them off. At my age, I don't put up with crap like that.

 

 

Anyway, back to the topic. I think a little intimidation is good because it keeps you polite and from being a total jerk. I think I can speak for all women when I say that we appreciate men who are polite and not jerks. But we like men who will come forward and be honest about what they want too, even if you're blushing, stammering, and shaking while you say it. I think the best bet (in life and in love) is to just go after what you want, whether or not you actually get it. There are the dancers, and there are the wallflowers.

[topaMAXX]

I swear the title of this post is some women's eternal question... and the fear of rejection certainly goes both ways...

 

 

I am an attractive, independent, successful, confident woman and I usually have no trouble getting male attention (unfortunately, most of which is unwanted). But the vast majority stay at a distance, which irks me and confuses me. The ones who are bold enough to approach me are more often than not the ones that I don't want to talk to ( as Mr. Scorpio mentioned below). Sometimes there will be a 'winner', but it's been the exception, not the rule.

 

In my personal experience, if I am really interested in someone (meaning a stranger), I will approach him because I've gotten so used to the ones that I WANT to approach me not doing it (i.e. the quality men). So, that way if I approach them there leaves no room for doubt. I don't do that often, only when I'm absolutely COMPELLED to do it

 

 

I will say though, that it never hurts to just approach a woman you are interested in and just say, "I think you are really beautiful", or just strike up a conversation... even if she doesn't give you any 'green light'. Most women won't ever mind hearing, "I saw you from across the room and I just had to come talk to you." The men that I have ended up actually dating have all approached me and said some form of the above statements to express their interest. I was attracted to their confidence in approaching me and being straightforward regardless of whether or not they were intimidated by me. One man who was totally intimidated by me reverted into a stammering, nervous boy around me and I thought it was very endearing and adorable. He was just honest about how he felt and I just really appreciated his sincerity, even though he was shaking in his boots and blushed whenever I smiled at him. That actually made him more attractive to me than the overly cocky ones who would almost carelessly and nonchalantly make the beeline towards me. I think what works best is a sincere statement expressing your interest. You can't really go wrong with that.

 

 

I walked into a popular club recently with a group of friends, and literally the moment I walked into the door, some guy grabbed my arm and looked me up and down and said said something sleazy like "you look like you're trouble". Ew. Please guys, don't do that to women. I told him "I JUST walked in the door. Step off." I've heard many many sexist catcalls, honking horns, calls out the car window "nice ****", you name it. I don't know on what planet men think that women like that kind of attention. Recently it was a carload of teenage idiots honking at me and calling out to me, and I kept jogging and ignoring them and one said "bitch!" and I flipped them off. At my age, I don't put up with crap like that.

 

 

Anyway, back to the topic. I think a little intimidation is good because it keeps you polite and from being a total jerk. I think I can speak for all women when I say that we appreciate men who are polite and not jerks. But we like men who will come forward and be honest about what they want too, even if you're blushing, stammering, and shaking while you say it. I think the best bet (in life and in love) is to just go after what you want, whether or not you actually get it. There are the dancers, and there are the wallflowers.

 

How do you define "quality"? There aren't many 6'3 good-looking guys with 6 figure salaries that want to get married to a stranger around.

 

I've done thousands of cold approaches over the course of my life. I've found that they really don't work for the average guy (which is what I am). It does work for getting laid in bars and clubs, but, generally, nothing else will come from it. The only cold approaches that worked for me during the day were with girls that ended up being foreign (one was German, the other was Colombian....both I ended up dating for some time). But hundred of rejections for 2 girlfriends is hardly worth it.

 

Most guys that aren't just looking to get laid meet girls through social circle and activities. I get higher quality girls (in both looks and character) that way and I don't waste my time hitting on tons of girls. Also, my game doesn't have to be as tight.

 

As far as the nervous thing, you are surely only talking about the best looking guys out there. I've found that to successfully cold approach, as an average looking guy, the nervous/jittery thing will not work at all. I have to be super smooth and can't break my frame for even a second or I will lose the girl (again, this is experience from thousands of approaches, some of which were successful). Too much of a pain if you ask me.

 

Personally, I never got bad responses when approaching. Usually the girls responded relatively well, laughed with me, etc. I would get their number. Maybe they would respond, maybe they wouldn't. More rarely, I would get them out on a date. And very rarely, it would turn into something. But this was after tons of effort on my part.

 

I haven't cold approached a girl in well over a year. I don't miss it and will likely never do it again.

[venusishername]

How do you define "quality"? There aren't many 6'3 good-looking guys with 6 figure salaries that want to get married to a stranger around.

 

 

Well why not? I've met a few "6'3 good-looking guys with 6 figure salaries" and let me tell you in my experience it's slim pickings because men like that are typically eternal bachelors and too busy to look for a wife being too involved in their careers and very busy and independent. (I think the same can be said for successful, attractive single women!)

Are you suggesting that those types wouldn't ever "cold approach" as you put it? Why wouldn't they want to get married to a stranger around? They are human just like the rest of us. As are whatever men think the stereotypical female "catch" is. Don't people generally go after what they want when they see it? By "quality" I mean various factors including looks, character, personality, manners, intellect...

 

As far as the nervous thing, you are surely only talking about the best looking guys out there. I've found that to successfully cold approach, as an average looking guy, the nervous/jittery thing will not work at all. I have to be super smooth and can't break my frame for even a second or I will lose the girl (again, this is experience from thousands of approaches, some of which were successful). .

 

 

No, I am not only talking about the best looking guys out there. The particular person I wrote about happened to be very attractive to me but probably not the "best looking guy out there". It's all relative. Beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. And no, I've had it happen a couple of times. If what I consider an average looking guy approaches me and is nervous yet sincere, I think it is a million times more appealing than some Slick Rick laying it on thick BECAUSE it makes me think that he does that to every woman and I'm nothing special. Being smooth certainly helps, but to me it's ok if you're not sometimes. Make sense? But whatever has worked for you, I'm not arguing with you!

 

I haven't cold approached a girl in well over a year. I don't miss it and will likely never do it again.

Fair enough! Stick with what works Just wanted to offer a female insight as to my opinion on how to get past any fears of approaching an 'intimidating' woman.

[Hopeful30]

The only cold approaches that worked for me during the day were with girls that ended up being foreign (one was German, the other was Colombian....both I ended up dating for some time).

 

So you see? It DOES have something to do with culture. I knew it was always something about North America that made dating difficult, cuz when I travel, men approaching is never a problem. Even as an average guy (as you claim to be) you got two girlfriends, both of whom were foreign (a.k.a not bitches or rude like how North American woman, from what I've read on here, are).

 

Someone else on here mentioned that it's a Western thing. Perhaps he's right.

[topaMAXX]

So you see? It DOES have something to do with culture. I knew it was always something about North America that made dating difficult, cuz when I travel, men approaching is never a problem. Even as an average guy (as you claim to be) you got two girlfriends, both of whom were foreign (a.k.a not bitches or rude like how North American woman, from what I've read on here, are).

 

Someone else on here mentioned that it's a Western thing. Perhaps he's right.

 

Yes, you are correct. This has been my experience as well as a fellow world traveler. I absolutely do agree that it has to do with culture. (I don't mention that on the forums though because I'll get reported by the feminists)

 

Maybe you are a nice person that responds well to cold approaches. Most women in the US don't. So most guys are either too intimidated or, like me, view it has a waste of time.

[Hopeful30]

Yes, you are correct. This has been my experience as well as a fellow world traveler. I absolutely do agree that it has to do with culture. (I don't mention that on the forums though because I'll get reported by the feminists)

 

Maybe you are a nice person that responds well to cold approaches. Most women in the US don't. So most guys are either too intimidated or, like me, view it has a waste of time.

 

That's unfortunate for all us nice girls

[Woggle]

So you see? It DOES have something to do with culture. I knew it was always something about North America that made dating difficult, cuz when I travel, men approaching is never a problem. Even as an average guy (as you claim to be) you got two girlfriends, both of whom were foreign (a.k.a not bitches or rude like how North American woman, from what I've read on here, are).

 

Someone else on here mentioned that it's a Western thing. Perhaps he's right.

 

It does have something to do with culture. Gender relations are just shot to hell in most of the western world. Both men and women have sad they find other cultures more appealing when it comes to dating and that is because in those cultures men and women don't hate each other.

[Imajerk17]

I cold-approach a lot and have had decent success with it. And I am a 5'6" guy who is a little bit older. Life is too short to not go after what you want.

 

I don't like rejection but I see it for what it is. The object is to get through the women who aren't interested to get to a woman whom I'm attracted to, who is interested back. At least I had the guts to go for it!

 

One of the things that still astounds me about women is how self-protective you are. I should know better by my age and intellectually I do. I could write a post about how it manifests itself in a bunch of crazy ways, but sticking to the point, it causes some of you to not be open to cold approaches period and it causes some others of you to appreciate it if a guy is nervous when he does (means he's not a player).

 

Anyway, most men don't approach as I do, as men do have "approach anxiety". The way we see it on a gut level, if we walk up to a girl and she rejects us, we wonder how many other people in the room saw this, and we feel our status drop. We approach rarely (if ever) because we don't want to be known as That Guy who is clearly on the make and who asks out every pretty girl he sees. (It's a real concern for those who live in small towns that was ingrained in us in high school, college.) That's horrible for our social value for finding a girlfriend. But think about it: If a single guy approaches only once every 6 months then that means you get approached once every 6 months. Do the math.

 

On a related note, we have been advised from some of our female friends and sisters who feel "stranger danger" (quite a few of you) that cold-approaching is weird and creepy.

 

There is also the concern of how are we supposed to carry on a conversation with a stranger to the point where she is willing to see us again.

 

You can help your cause OP by looking accessible and even by asking the guy in question a random question to get the conversation going.

Edited March 16, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Seeking11]

I haven't read through all the posts but this is a very interesting thread. I think someone mentioned culture, which is very true, but also another factor (not sure if someone mentioned this) is demographic. I'll use myself as an example.

 

I'm 6 foot tall, very active and fit doing martial arts, boxing and kickboxing 3~4 days a week, along with weight training on days I'm not hitting a bag. Now I live in the Los Angeles area of Cali, and the women here are just so stuck up, the majority of them. When you see them, they are walking with their noses high up in the air, while at the same time wearing the most revealing outfits. They are easily offended if they are looked at (honestly what are you expecting with your boobs and ass hanging out) and I'm not talking about staring at them, I can understand a woman being offended if being looked at as a piece of meat. It's more of a glance with a smile, and they follow with a roll of their eyes and walking on.

 

And honestly I feel this is a front, a front they put up among their friends, having this "I'm better than anyone else" attitude around them. What guy is honestly going to want to approach a woman like this or even deal with this? Let me rephrase that, what guy that isn't looking for just blow his money for a quick lay going to approach a female like this. It is just not worth the time and effort.

 

Most of the females I have dated, I have gotten to know from either school, the gym, and through friends. It is at these settings, that their guard is more down and they are more genuine. For me, in where I live, it is not a matter of being afraid to approach a female in public. It is more of, why am I going to waste my time when you already looks so full of herself.

 

Again I'm not saying all females are like this, I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful women around the world, but here in LA, they are far and few

[topaMAXX]

That's unfortunate for all us nice girls

 

Why don't you just do online dating? Tons of options of good-looking guys on there.

[topaMAXX]

I haven't read through all the posts but this is a very interesting thread. I think someone mentioned culture, which is very true, but also another factor (not sure if someone mentioned this) is demographic. I'll use myself as an example.

 

I'm 6 foot tall, very active and fit doing martial arts, boxing and kickboxing 3~4 days a week, along with weight training on days I'm not hitting a bag. Now I live in the Los Angeles area of Cali, and the women here are just so stuck up, the majority of them. When you see them, they are walking with their noses high up in the air, while at the same time wearing the most revealing outfits. They are easily offended if they are looked at (honestly what are you expecting with your boobs and ass hanging out) and I'm not talking about staring at them, I can understand a woman being offended if being looked at as a piece of meat. It's more of a glance with a smile, and they follow with a roll of their eyes and walking on.

 

And honestly I feel this is a front, a front they put up among their friends, having this "I'm better than anyone else" attitude around them. What guy is honestly going to want to approach a woman like this or even deal with this? Let me rephrase that, what guy that isn't looking for just blow his money for a quick lay going to approach a female like this. It is just not worth the time and effort.

 

Most of the females I have dated, I have gotten to know from either school, the gym, and through friends. It is at these settings, that their guard is more down and they are more genuine. For me, in where I live, it is not a matter of being afraid to approach a female in public. It is more of, why am I going to waste my time when you already looks so full of herself.

 

Again I'm not saying all females are like this, I'm sure there are plenty of wonderful women around the world, but here in LA, they are far and few

 

Pretty much the same in New York....unless you just want to get laid. If you want something more than that and are average looking, cold approaching is a waste of time.

[topaMAXX]

I cold-approach a lot and have had decent success with it. And I am a 5'6" guy who is a little bit older. Life is too short to not go after what you want.

 

 

I see what you did there!

 

I'm the same height and did most of my cold approaching between ages 20 and 25.

 

 

I don't like rejection but I see it for what it is. The object is to get through the women who aren't interested to get to a woman whom I'm attracted to, who is interested back. At least I had the guts to go for it!

 

Yeah, I used to think that way too. Only problem is most of the time, nothing comes from cold approaches (when you approach during the day). I've made multiple posts on my experiences with this.

 

However, cold approaching in bars/clubs can definitely lead to pretty quick sex, if that's what you're after.

 

One of the things that still astounds me about women is how self-protective you are. I should know better by my age and intellectually I do. I could write a post about how it manifests itself in a bunch of crazy ways, but sticking to the point, it causes some of you to not be open to cold approaches period and it causes some others of you to appreciate it if a guy is nervous when he does (means he's not a player).

 

This is because the media tells women that all men are rapists and creeps. They really eat that up and you have to spend your time convincing them that you are not one (despite the fact that these kinds of men are exceedingly rare).

 

Anyway, most men don't approach as I do, as men do have "approach anxiety". The way we see it on a gut level, if we walk up to a girl and she rejects us, we wonder how many other people in the room saw this, and we feel our status drop. We approach rarely (if ever) because we don't want to be known as That Guy who is clearly on the make and who asks out every pretty girl he sees. (It's a real concern for those who live in small towns that was ingrained in us in high school, college.)

 

I'm going to guess by your responses that you only recently started cold approaching.

 

Well, your reasons are not why I don't approach personally. As I said, I've made thousands of approaches. I can pretty much (accurately) predict the outcomes. I did have approach anxiety at one time and it definitely gave me a thrill when I was getting out of it.

 

Now, I'm older (27) and do not have approach anxiety. The thrill of approaching has long since faded and has been replaced by disillusionment. I have a very demanding career. I don't have the time (or the interest) to run around approaching random women.

 

There is also the concern of how are we supposed to carry on a conversation with a stranger to the point where she is willing to see us again.

 

Your game has to be on-point every step of the way for cold approaches to work. That's through the initial approach, texting, hanging out, etc. Too much of a headache in my experience.

 

I prefer to meet a girl through friends or an activity and get to know her. Works way better and if it doesn't work out, at least you accomplished in that activity.

 

Again, I'm also a guy that would be considered fairly successful at cold approaching (I get makeouts, hookups, etc. easily at bars and clubs....have gotten 2 girlfriends from cold approaches). And I certainly don't encourage guys to cold approach (in the US, that is).

 

Do something productive with your life and stop caring so much about women. They certainly don't care about us.

[Imajerk17]

^^^ Well, I may be only 5'6" but I'm not a short man. Height is all about genetics but being short is all about attitude.

 

Anyway to what you wrote: well, yes and no.

 

Whether this applies to you specifically or not, MOST men don't approach because they are afraid of looking weird, their female friends and sisters told them it creeps women out, and they wouldn't know what to say anyway. I don't think there's a straight man alive who at some point or another hasn't ever seen "the most beautiful girl ever" while he was out and about running errands, and wished he could only meet her.

 

I do agree with you though that many men don't cold-approach, also because there are other more hassle-free ways of meeting women. Social circle, hobbies, ect, and if you are successful, reasonably good-looking, and have some game, OLD. So OP why dont you try Match. The guys you want to be approaching you might be have gone there.

 

I've done my share of cold-approaching and a few times it has led to something substantial--with American girls too. But I do agree that it is a low-percentage game, at least when you meet a girl at say the supermarket. Even when she enthusiastically gives you her number she might change her mind about it later. You and she only talked for 5 minutes! She hardly has anything to go by. Meeting a girl in a bar is different in that you typically have a far more substantial interaction. Instead of talking for only 5 minutes you usually spend the rest of the night hanging out and talking. She becomes attracted to you from how you interact with her friends, how you deflect other guys trying to hone in, and even how you lead her to another bar. Besides you and she getting to have a much more in-depth conversation. Its like you've already been on a substantial first date.

Edited March 17, 2014 by Imajerk17

[M30USA]

When I was in high school, I liked this girl but I felt intimidated by her since her father was the principal. Beat that! But I was in the school plays with her and I got to kiss her in one of the roles as her dad was watching in the audience, lol. Ah the good old days. I can't believe I ever did things like that because I've very much grown out of it. But it was fun while it lasted and I have great memories.

[Medium.Lumo]

I can tell you that cold approaches don't work. When I am with my female friends they get approached constantly and don't ever accept.

 

Some of the lines that the guys use actually make me laugh. Most of them are just complinents / offers to buy drinks for them and so on, though.