It's been almost 10 years.

[ReinventingMe]

Well, I need advice, honest blunt advice and I canèt trust my friends and family as they will all have biased opinions.

Its been almost 10 years since an ex boyfriend and I broke up. It was a long distance relationship but we travelled the 700 miles every other weekend to see each other and used all of our holiday time to be together. We had discussed moving in with each other in the near future etc.... So it wasnt your usual long distance relationship. We had regular physical contact several times per month and we always talked on the phone and texted daily. We were together over 3 years. Anyways, I was the reason it fell apart. The blame is PURELY mine. Without going into much detail as to the events leading up to it but I gained an addiction to cocaine. Once I started using I constantly picked the drug over my boyfriend. He had NO idea I was using. He knew I smoked a little pot every now and then (he did as well) but that was all he was aware of. This lasted about 2 months before he couldn't understand why I had no time for him why I didn't want him to visit and I made excuses to not visit him. I hardly called him and when I did I didn't really want to talk to him etc.... He ended it I think because he thought I was cheating on him (which I wasn't!) but I guess my shadey acting was a plausible reason for him to think I had another guy. After he ended it I found out I was pregnant with his child. I tried to call him a couple times with the idea to confess to my drug addiction and tell him about the baby but he would not answer my calls at all. I ended up losing the child (yes due to drugs). I know that makes me a complete HORRID person and I cannot believe I would do something like that, it weighs so very heavily upon my mind daily so please don't give me h*ll for that even though I know people have the right to but trust me when I say I will never forgive myself for that mistake.

Anyways! I have spent the last almost 10 years going thru my self made h*ll and then cleaning myself up. I do NOT do drugs not even pot anymore. I am trying to be a better person to myself and to everyone around me. Even though it has been so many years without any contact from him or I, I miss him terribly as I always have. He is never far from my mind, Ive dated but I never could quite get into another relationship because frankly I have always wanted to just be with him. Im now clean for several years, my life is into a healthy routine and its stable as am I. Should I reach out and write to him or just let it be. I don't even know if he is married or dating someone. I did do the stalker-ish thing of yes googling him recently, the only thing I could find was his address and the fact that he was dating someone 2 years ago. I sit here and ponder why I want to write him, is it for closure is it because I want him back and really do I have any right to disrupt his life which might be happily with someone else, most likely is. but if I decide not to write him, how do I stop loving him, missing him.... they say time heals the heart and eventually you move forward but, its been years.... and ive moved forward with the rest of my life into a more positive space but I cant move past him. maybe if I write a letter and explain that I didn't cheat and that I was a horrible coke head and just get that off my chest maybe he will forgive me and I will be able to move on maybe I just want his forgiveness but maybe I am just lying to myself because I want him back.... and yes I know im writing in circles and sounding half mad, but im just writing my thoughts as they pop up so that you kind folks that reply might have an idea of what im mentally going through. Any advice, help, thoughts would be most appreciated. Thank you!

[Standard-Fare]

(First, just a general tip: It's easier for people to read your stuff and respond to it if you break into paragraphs.)

 

On your situation:

 

Ten years is a long time. It's not healthy or wise to be thinking about getting back together with an ex from that long ago.

 

I think it's best for you to assume he has completely moved on, has a totally different life now, and that option is off the table.

 

However, since this is an area where you need some closure, I don't think it would hurt to try to reestablish come contact with him. Your goal should be to explain the past situation in its entirety (including your addiction struggles, and MOST IMPORTANTLY the pregnancy he never knew about). And also to apologize to him.

 

It would probably best be handled through a brief (like, less than two pages, no rambling) letter.

 

This shouldn't be about attempting to provoke any particular reaction from him or force yourself back into his life. It should be about your own personal sense of closure.

 

He might appreciate it, he might respond in some way. Or he might ignore it completely. There's even a chance he could get pissed off. Make it clear you have no expectations of him. But if you want to do this for yourself, I think you have the right to.

[ReinventingMe]

I would love to say the reason I want to write him is to make amends but I know that is me not being completely truthful to myself and everyone that reads this.

I do want him to know everything. Truthfully. But I cant say if I wouldn't love a second chance with him.

I do NOT want to disrupt his life. I want him to be happy I am so very sorry for everything that I have done and he deserves an explanation.

If I do write him I wont beg for a second chance. I will just tell him the truth I will tell him I miss him and I will tell him I wish the best for his life but I know deep down inside I will be hoping he replies that he misses me too.

[ReinventingMe]

I hate to clog up my thread with my own blathering, but I also am concerned by another aspect... I stop and think, if he is in a happy relationship currently would his wife or girlfriend appreciate him getting a letter from an old flame....

I wouldn't want to cause a rift because I need closure. I know I say I have feelings for him, I wont deny that, but I don't want to screw his life up more than I have all those years ago.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I agree with everything Standard-Fare said. I don't think it's wrong for you to reach out, explain to him what happened and about the pregnancy. Let him know that you genuinely cared for him back then, but that you were in a bad place and didn't know how to tell him. Explain that you are at a better place in your life and that you felt he at least needed to know the truth about what happened. DO NOT under any circumstances go into the feelings you still carry for him. He very well may be in a serious relationship of some sort and it would not be right for you to disrupt that. Simply apologize and attempt to make amends so that you can close this chapter of your life and move on.

 

Good luck and keep us updated on what happens.

[Standard-Fare]

OK, fine, so you've admitted to both yourself and this forum that you'd like to get a positive response from him and a chance to be in his life again. You're just being honest, so whatever.

 

But that intent should not creep into your communication with him at all. A) Honestly, it could come across as very out-of-the-blue or possibly creepy to someone who hasn't been in contact with you for a decade. And B) Yes, it could be seen as an attempt to rustle up his current life in some way, and that's just not fair of you to do.

 

If this were a year after the fact, even two or three years, maybe you could have a shot at broaching that conversation. Ten years on, that window has passed and you should keep your goal narrowed to making amends.

[ReinventingMe]

I did it. I took my time and wrote a detailed letter to him. He replied with a shorter letter saying he needed time to think things through so he could provide me with a reply that was as thoughtful as mine.

So I waited.

Finally he did reply and while we are now not friends or no longer even communicate I have to say... I feel better. I truly needed that last bit of communication. He no longer plagues my mind. I do still think about our memories from time to time but I can smile about them now.

[Twigyy]

I'm glad for you that it ended like what you expected. 10 years is indeed a long time. But hey, the future is waiting for you.

[Morro72]

Good for both of you.

[road]

I did it. I took my time and wrote a detailed letter to him. He replied with a shorter letter saying he needed time to think things through so he could provide me with a reply that was as thoughtful as mine.

So I waited.

Finally he did reply and while we are now not friends or no longer even communicate I have to say... I feel better. I truly needed that last bit of communication. He no longer plagues my mind. I do still think about our memories from time to time but I can smile about them now.

 

 

 

 

Why are you leaving us hanging?

[erklat]

I did it. I took my time and wrote a detailed letter to him. He replied with a shorter letter saying he needed time to think things through so he could provide me with a reply that was as thoughtful as mine.

So I waited.

Finally he did reply and while we are now not friends or no longer even communicate I have to say... I feel better. I truly needed that last bit of communication. He no longer plagues my mind. I do still think about our memories from time to time but I can smile about them now.

 

Does he feel better?