Can we compromise about his time with his online game?

[friskywife]

My hubby loves his online game.

When we were 1st together it was Everquest, now its a new one "not intended for the power gamer" or so he says.

 

He could sit in front of his computer for HOURS and he makes me feel like he would rather me not even be there. He will answer questions when I ask them, but its not like we can talk when he's trying to get another level. I feel as if he would prefer me to be at work aka not here, or just away from him.

Our sex life has to be negotiated around the game. I feel like I have to quilt him into sex now.

 

When we are home together with our son, he will say " I am going to fix a bowl of cereal" and disappear from us for at least an hour or two. He might as well not even be here. I am here most days having to do everything by myself, plus work outside of the home and when we are home together I wouldn't mind a little break too.

 

So this morning he says he will just quite, I say "because of me?" "Yes"....

 

He works on computers all day and I understand the fact that he needs something fun to do on a computer, but its almost like an obsession.

 

My question is this: can you ever compromise on something like this when one thing seems to suck time away from your partner?

 

I know he loves it and part of me doesn't want him to give it up. We almost broke up because of Everquest and when he started this game he swore it wouldn't be like that, but now its worse because he has friends that he meets up within the game, so he wants to play when they play.

 

I hope this is coming out clear.

 

I love him and his geeky ways and I just want to spend time with him, not the back of his head with "huh?' thrown in every once in a while.

[guest]

Can you sit down with him and make a schedule? That way he will have dedicated times to play and not have to feel bad about it and you will know when you can expect him to be around for you and you will even be able to plan some things just for you during his game times?

[tiki]

Make him limit his time. Like maybe a couple hours per week? Some people are obsessed with football, some shopping, some blabbing on the phone, and some LoveShack ( ). I try to limit my LS time to work hours only (rarely at home or on the weekends) so that I can dedicate my time to my family.

[Moose]

Make him limit his time.

 

Make him? Wow....I'm glad I'm not your hubby.....I'd have a problem with, Making me do something......

[tiki]

Originally posted by Moose

Make him? Wow....I'm glad I'm not your hubby.....I'd have a problem with, Making me do something......

 

Yeah, thank your lucky stars.

[dyermaker]

[Lil Honey]

CAN there be a compromise? Yep.

 

WILL there be a compromise? Not with his attitude. He said that he is going to quit because of you. Um . . . YOU aren't the one with the problem . . .

 

I recently wrote a post to Massive Atom in one of his threads about how, when I was first married, was ignored in favor of the TV, then it was the TV and computer, then it was the TV, computer and his truck. Trust me, feeling unimportant will lead to hurt, then resentment, then anger, then nothing-ness, then divorce . . . and you deserve more.

 

While he has his computer as a companion, you will be emotionally moving away and when it's too late, he'll want to fix it.

[Ladyjane14]

This is actually pretty tricky. How to reach a compromise when one person's agenda is in direct conflict with the other's.

 

I had a similar situation in my household. I had to make a fairly comprehensive study of what both of our emotional needs truly were...not emotional wants, but emotional NEEDS.

 

I wanted more of my husband's time. He needed more time to himself. It's not easy to sacrifice something that you REALLY want, but when I was honest with myself, I had to admit that my want didn't outweigh his need.

 

Then I chose to look at giving him this time to himself as a GIFT. I felt alot better about it then. It was no longer something that he was taking. So, he felt better too.

 

I think it all boils down to what you can live with. How much you can give to the other person without feeling compromised.

 

I'm using my extra time to learn to play the violin. I'm truly terrible at it! But I feel like I gave MYSELF a little gift too.

 

 

p.s. I do have to remind myself fairly frequently of all of this. So I don't want you to think that it's always easy. My little green monster pops up and I have to remind her that she's not the boss of me.

[tanbark813]

Is he playing Everquest 2 now? If so, I'm not surprised by your post. My friends and I have been playing that lately and it does tend to eat up a lot of free time. Since my breakup I've had plenty of time to play it (which works out well in that sense ) but I can definitely see how it would be difficult to play that game and spend a lot of time with one's SO.

 

Just the way EQ2 is designed to be played it's almost guaranteed to eat up your free time if you want to advance in it at all. It's impossible to jump on the computer and be done in an hour. If he's offering to quit altogether, you might want to take him up on that, though that may lead to resentment on his part. You guys could try just limiting his time per week or day, but I doubt he'd follow that.

 

Have you considered playing the game with him? Not an ideal solution, but you may be able to spend time together that way. My best friend got his gf into it and they play together all the time. Just a thought. I have no real pearls of wisdom here.

[magda]

Yeah, my man has a lot of friends who are way addicted to gaming. He says they are not relationship material/he feels sorry for their girlfriends. It is seriously an obsession. These guys will just go from one game to the next. It's their life. It's lame.

[whichwayisup]

LOLOL! Can we say "Geeks."

 

Nah, just kidding...

 

Setting up times for him to play is a good idea. This is something he obviously loves to do and maybe it destresses him from work life and regular day to day stresses. I know my husband loves to fiddle about with his computer stuff. (He builds them, and fixes friends computers etc...Says it just relaxes him after a long week at work.)

 

Compromise is it. I think telling him NO MORE is wrong as it could just make him want to do it more. Childish reaction I know, but deep down noone wants to be told what to do.

 

He told you he would give it up, but he said that to make you happy...I think he probably will sneak it in when you are not looking if he gives it up cold turkey. Yeah that sounds silly lol, but reading Tan's remarks and others, these games are kinda borderline obsession!!!!

 

Good luck!

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

reading Tan's remarks and others, these games are kinda borderline obsession!!!!

 

Yes, but there are far worse things to be obsessive about.

[VirginiaBob]

I don't see why some people are still into video games as adults, but to each his own, I guess. I wouldn't try to force him to stop though. When people are in a relationship, it is healthy for them to have thier own interests (as long as it's not another person). Now trying to control someone - that's not healthy.

[Owl]

OK...this is something that I can talk about!!! LOL

 

I've played EQ for a couple of years...and my wife started playing a few months after I started, shortly after she lost her job (no fault of hers).

 

She quickly became majorly addicted...far worse than I was (they don't call it EverCrack for no reason!). She began logging 14+ hours a day...and our marriage began to majorly suffer for it. Even though we both played, we often weren't "together" in game. Different play styles, etc...

 

This became a major source of stress for our marriage for several months, until finally I began making it very clear that what was going on was unacceptable and SOMETHING had to be done. She finally cut way back on the number of hours she logged, and things sorta got better.

 

This DID end up with her having an online emotional affair with someone she met in game. We've got a number of married couple friends "in game"...and it ended up that I know of AT LEAST 5 other marriages that have had very very similar problems due to playing EQ. Most ended up in divorce due to the emotional affairs...a few are still together working it out.

 

You have EVERY RIGHT to be concerned about his lack of time with you and the family. You have EVERY RIGHT to be worried about possible problems with your relationship due to the amount of time and emotions that he spends in game.

 

He says he'll give it up...take him up on it. Either have him give it up, or set some serious boundaries about times and interactions with other people in game. Set some hard times for him to play...a little buffer here and there is ok as long as you both agree on it. BUT, he HAS TO MAKE YOU AND YOUR MARRIAGE THE PRIORITY...NOT THE GAME!!! If you don't...you very well could be another "EQ Affair Fatality".

 

Frisky- PM me if you want to discuss this or if you want the link to my story on what happened.

 

Tan- I can understand how you feel...but in a marriage, there has to be AGREEMANT on how things like this are handled...on both sides. Or the relationship suffers hugely...been there, done that!

 

 

P.S. I think that ALL online games need to have the warning label "Warning-playing this game may be hazardous to your relationships!"

[Pocky]

Luckily, my husband and I are both gamers. We met on an online game, we've played online games non-stop and we probably will always play online games. Have you tried playing the game with him? I know that it's easier for me to set up a schedule with my husband when I'm playing because I know when he can stop and when he "really" can't stop. There are different things that are dependent on others participating in the game so that can sometimes cause a problem with setting up a specific schedule, however if you have more of an understanding of the game you may have more leverage when pointing out that it's not necessary he plays right at that moment.

[200000me]

Oh wow! I had a big arguement with my hubby on his game addiction. He plays at least 10 hours a day. His bestfriend introduced it to him, both him and his wife crazy about this game, so their house not really look like a 'house'. They constantly on computers all the times. Never ever I went to their house without them sitting infront of their computers.

 

My husband tried to get me into this game, but I refused nicely, coz' I have many other things to do, such as my work and house chores. I hate seeing my house in mess and I am very organize and always plan my things. I don't have problem with my hubby's new hobby, but when he play it in the tub while taking bath (using wireless laptob), while having dinner (one hand on plate and other hand on laptop), I got really mad! He forgot his routine such as helping me throw the trash, or clean the bathrooms once a week. I do everything else. We don't have quality time together anymore. When we got home from work, he will straight to his computer and when I go to bed, I will be alone. Our sex life drop from 3 times a week to twice a month. He sleep very late every night. He plays on weekend too. So one time, I just got so mad and told him if he don't ever consider to discipline himself, I'm going to move out. You know what, I have to repeat that three times while he still playing his game and not even hear what I said!!!! I feel like to strangle his neck!

 

Then, I wrote him email and talk to him when he is not playing...I've told him I feel neglected and miss him so much (even he is around). But really, I miss our conversation, watching tv together. I really don't mind he play the game, but when it took so much of our time, I am not happy anymore.

 

Finally, now he try to adjust, he will come to bed when I go to bed, hold me until I asleep and then he can continue to play his game. I've told him as long as his game doesn't affect his work, then I don't mind.

 

I even told him, if he do something much more benefits and dedicated as he plays the game, probably he is very successfull now. But oh well...men are still boys. Just hope one day he will stop wasting his time and do something much better. As far as I know, hobbies are not healthy when it took the entire meaning of life.

[friskywife]

Its not EQ2, its World of Warcraft. He has been on it since the beginning, even particapating in the beta. He is a Level 42 going on 43 and part of the reason he his not higher is because he doesn't get to play like his single friend or his other gaming buddy that is engaged.

 

I know he loves it, and I know that it is good for him to have this time to himself. Maybe I am jealous because it doesn't involve me and I haven't found my niche of entertaining myself unless you count REALLY bad TV or movies.

 

We play PS2 games like Baulder's Gate, Hot Shot's, and currently X-Men Legend, which we are almost done with. I LOVE playing those types of games with him. He actually mentioned last night that I would probably like WoW. I understand most of the things going on within the game since its like Baulder's Gate, Diablo, or any other D&D type game. He is already too far ahead in levels for me to be an active player in his guild and besides that I just don't think I would enjoy it enough without him to justify the money aspect.

 

We are going to talk tonight about it, I hope.

 

By the way, I never even thought about him "hooking up" with someone in the game! Emotional affair?!?! Oh jeez!

He mainly plays with guys from work, a couple of them I know personally.

[binturong]

For me, my DH just had to come to the realization himself that he wasn't making me happy by playing EQ all the time. Sure, it took him 3 years to do it, but it gave me a chance to do things on my own and it gave me time for my own hobbies, so it wasn't all terrible. In fact, it wasn't until our sex life started going downhill that I put my foot down. I didn't ask him to stop playing. I just asked him to make more time for me. And he ended up playing after work, but not too late (which was fine, because we both needed to wind down after work) and on ONE day of the weekend. The other day was time for us to spend time together and get out of the house. He eventually got sick of spending so much time online and quit altogether, but that was completely his decision. In fact, I bought him EQ2 for Christmas and he plays every so often, but he's learned better how to allocate his time. No, he's not level 50, but he also has a fulfilling life outside of the game.

[Owl]

Seriously, it happens a LOT. I had no idea when I got started playing that it could be like that. Let's just say it was something that I'd never want to learn that way again.

 

Think about it though. Everyone KNOWS why people go into chat rooms and such...to flirt, whatever. So people that AREN'T looking for something like that don't go there...but you get the same kind of environment "in game". You're in an environment where you can "hide" behind your character so to speak...and you're working with all kinds of people to accomplish various goals. You form friendships, etc...and those friendships can extend outside of the game. I've met members of my "guild" in person. So it's entirely possible (and happens all the time) that if you don't know how to set emotional boundaries, it's possible for those relationships to become more than friendships as well. Exactly what happened in my case. Take a look on the "infidelity" section for my story if you like.

 

Does that mean your husband is gonna find an "online hoe"? No. But, at least in EQ, there is a LOT of flirting that goes on. A lot of people use the game to "cyber" all the time. And there are a lot of people who are willing to use the game to find someone. LOL...take it from someone who's learned that the hard way.

 

You run the same kind of risk of an affair with on online game as you do with internet chat rooms or him meeting up with a co-worker. Only likely to happen if conditions are right for an affair to happen.

 

I seriously suggest that you DO take the time to learn the game...get to know his online friends, spend time with him watching him play if you can. Show him you're interested in him and what he does. And talk to him about this thread...let him know your worries and what impacts you think his gaming is having on your family now. Set some boundaries...it helps!

 

Good luck friend. I don't mean to paint such a bleak picture...but wanted to let you know that there is nothing wrong with worrying about the impacts this will have on your family.

[Owl]

Bint-

 

That is almost exactly what happened in my own personal play...I too played long hours for several months, but saw what it was doing and voluntarily made the changes to how I play so that I could still take care of my family. My wife did too...but it was a LOT like what you had to do with your husband...I had to put my foot down too. And that DID cause her to cut back on how much time she spent in game. Unfortunately, she still played during the day when I was gone...and that is where/how she met her OM.

 

I realized that we had a problem when she began contacting him outside of the game. It of course happened at a time when we were dealing with another of other stressors in our lives...new job, kids in school, etc. So when he started showing her attention, she wanted and accepted it.

 

Funny enough, we still play EQ. But, we don't play like we used to. We're together, in game and out. And she's admitted that THAT is what she really wanted all along. No more soloing for me!!

[Pocky]

I play WoW with my husband. I love it! It's a lot of fun. You should try playing it and see how you like it. Unlike so many of the console games, you can really play as a team on an mmorpg so you might like it even more than the PS2 games. And he's been playing since the game has gone live and he's only level 42? You don't have a hardcore gamer - he'd be 60 already if he was.

[Guest]

I would like to make a few comments about this post and some of the follow up remarks. I think the original poster has some incredibly valid points, but I would also like add some comments from the hubbies point of view.

 

You say he spends HOURS on the computer when he is at home. Does he have any hobbies? I know a lot of men golf, play sports, go to bars, weekend hunting trips, work on their hot rod, anything like that. You say that he will answer questions but its not like "we can talk". If you are talking on the phone or reading a book or watching a movie, or doing anything that requires attention can you have a conversation? Your sex life now that is a tough on. Sex has been negotiated around the game. So you still have sex, but now its a 10PM instead of 8PM, I am a little confused about this one.

 

Now the next section, this is real tough. That was just a crappy thing to do and he should be called on it. If he needed some time to himself, he should have said something to that regard. It isnt fair that you have to do everything by yourself.

 

Your next comment about his quitting, well I have to give this one to you also. It sounds like a childish outlash. He should have said something to the regard that it is not in the families best interest to be spending so much time playing a game.

 

For your next comment about him working on computers all day and he needs something fun to do on a computer, that is not an obsession. I would refer back to the hobbies question above and also ask if he was this way before you were married to him, i.e. is this a new obsession or has he always been this way.

 

To answer your main question, yes there is always a way to compromise.

 

 

That was my attempt at being objective. Now is the fun part. You see I am her husband. I know the answers to all of the above questions and answers. I love my wife to death and would do anything for her. I have tried in the past to compromise. I used to keep the computer in the other room so she would not be bothered with my playing. We didnt get to see each other that way, so I moved the computer into the living room so we could be together. Then I quit playing MMOG's (masive multiplayer online games). I used to play 4-6 games, mostly online. Now I play 1. True it is a huge timesink. I try and not play when she is there, I try and cook dinner most nights, I try and keep the kitchen clean. I vacuummed the house this weekend and played with our son.

 

To give you an idea of how important these games are to me think of this. I dont have any hobbies other than computer games and cooking. I taught myself to build computers in the 8th grade so I could play them. I have owned 3 computer business in my life. One was building custom computers to do VR gaming, one was for PC upgrades and repairs and one was an internet cafe. The internet cafe was a version of an idea my best friend and I had thought about since the 5th grade. I seriously considered trying to be a professional PC gamer. I had considerable rankings and at one time was in the top 20 players in the world for Quake 2. Haha, I know they are just silly games, but to me they are a bit more and to keep things in perspective there are professional bass fisherman.

 

So here is another answer to your question, there is no need to compromise, I have quit the game and deleted my account. I was going to talk with you at lunch about it (a side note here, I go home for lunch everyday, how many husbands do this, so I can see my family) but after playing with our son and taking some video of him I notice that you have posted this on LoveShack for all to see.

 

Now I will answer the question of why I said I would just quit. It was stupid and infantile of me to put it that way. However last night I asked politely if I could play I wanted to finish some things up. You said fine, then for the next 2 hours made comments such as "15 minutes more or 45" or "since Im not getting sex tonight, play as long as you like". I got comments like that every 15 minutes. I used to make comments and jokes about your soap opera, but then I made an effort to stop since you like it so much. I am sorry I dont like to watch as much TV as you, but I will try.

 

To the other people on this board, I thank those of you who had constructive comments and suggestions.

To the others who think I cannot compromise and that I am just a kid playing games. Well you dont know me or my wife and I am sorry for the situations that you had in your past, but to make blanket statements is just wrong.

[mymojo]

Lol, hey a guy has to have something to give his eyes a rest from looking at porn.

[friskywife]

Pocky-

We have had some major computer issues so the computer was down for a bit and he had problems with the server on the game to the point he was going to quite. This was a very sore point for him until he was able to play more.

 

 

I think one of my issues is he tries to be sneaky about it, like getting online while I am playing with our son in the other room. I know what he's doing! I'm not asking him to be in our son's face beside me all the time, but I'm afraid he is going to look up from his game and miss this time. Our son is 17 months old today and took his first step Friday. I think that our son really likes it when we are both with him playing and to be honest that hardly ever happens. Then nighttime rolls around and son is in bed...how about some adult time...(even if its playing x-men) but more nights than not he is on the game. I work a night or 2 so he does have time when he is alone and our son is asleep, and even then he will continue to play when I come home.

[Pocky]

Well, in understanding the culture of online gaming, everyone is in a mad dash to get to the highest level. If you want to compromise, I would suggest asking him once he hits sixty that he is to spend two nights with the family without the computer game. I don't think that's too much to ask. Have him pick two nights and you do something with your son and then you have your own private time.