Javelin Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Dear Loveshack inhabitants, Can't say I'm new here because for many month's I've trolled this board; reading many disfunctional topics that has changed my perception on marrying someone you love. To the Topic! I'm currently in a 3yr relationship with a girl I met in college, my longest relationship to date. However we've had our ups & downs with minor issues, and over the depressions and fights; we've both been completely faithful to one another. I can say our relationship is in much better standings than 90% of the ones I've read on this forum (and I'm thankful). Now this is all true considering I don't know if she's ever truely been faithful, nor does she know with me: I guess this is where the trust we have in each other comes into play. I trust her dearly, and believe her words. Guess I'm a little nervous about finding out if it ever happened: because I'm not a very forgiving person when feelings are involved. I feel if someone tells me they've cheated on me after 3yrs; the tiny bit of sanity I do have will be lost; and I'll end up giving them the pain I feel with a metal bat to the jaw. Then being STUCK in a marriage with that person almost revolts me. Although I really don't think I have anything to worry about down this line, but who's to really know? However is marriage a risk in itself? The use of, "I" is just because for once in my life, I'm thinking of MYSELF. People call me selfless, as I really don't care much about what happens to me. More along the lines of a, "go with the flow" type of person, however I do care a deal-lot about others. Even people I don't know or even met before yah know? I don't know just venting here! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I feel if someone tells me they've cheated on me after 3yrs; the tiny bit of sanity I do have will be lost; and I'll wind up giving them the pain I feel with a metal bat to the jaw. In which case, do not marry. If you have that much violence in you, nobody needs to be with you. People make mistakes and if you think you can't handle that, stay single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Javelin Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Violent I'm not a violent person, if a girlfriend told me after 3yrs she wouldnt get the bat to the jaw. The relationship would be over, and I'd go into a small depression & life would go on after that. Yet if I were married for 13yrs and my wife told me she cheated; there's a great possibility she may indeed have her jaw relocated to the back of her neck. To have your jaw crushed is no where near the pain of heart ache for the rest of you life- although when on trial they seem to think otherwise . Naah Seriously, I wouldnt hit anyone with a metal bat. I'm not THAT crazy, but it just bugs the hell out of me. What are the odds of falling into a marriage like that? Like how can one avoid it & stuff like that? How do you know the current person you are dating is not the cheating type after marriage? Is that where the risk is? You'll just have to wait and see? Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by Javelin Dear Loveshack inhabitants, WTF!. "inhabitants"? this is a virtual community, we don't live here! However is marriage a risk in itself? Yes, a big one. I would recommend against it. As a man you have much more to potentially lose in a failed marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Javelin Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 You inhabit the forum. As a man you have much more to potentially lose in a failed marriage. I do...? Such as...? and why does the woman have so much less to lose than me? Isn't it, "50-50" or is that what TV has lead us to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by Javelin I do...? Such as...? and why does the woman have so much less to lose than me? Isn't it, "50-50" or is that what TV has lead us to believe. Let's say you marry this broad and she squirts out a coupla pups (a.k.a. "kids"). You've been married 9 yrs and then all shyt hits the fan. She files for divorce, gets the house, cars, kids, alimony, and child support. And you get nothing.... Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 There are no guarantees. The best you can do is get to know someone extremely well before you make a choice to marry. Have you two ever discussed infidelity? How does she react to the idea of cheating by yourself or her? Most importantly, can she discuss problems in the relationship with you and do you resolve them together? It seems that a lot of affairs occur when problems arise in relationships and, rather than attempting to solve the problems, people turn to someone else to give them whatever it is they feel they need. Are you living together? I firmly believe that people should live together for a minimum of six months before they marry. Some people are very bad at living with others and you only find this out by actually living with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by Javelin Like how can one avoid it & stuff like that? How do you know the current person you are dating is not the cheating type after marriage? Is that where the risk is? You'll just have to wait and see? Life is a risk. If you have any doubts about a prospective spouse, don't get married. You will know when you are ready to marry. Talk about E*V*E*R*Y*T*H*I*N*G before getting married. Sex, kids, religion, politics, fidelity, what constitutes infidelity, how to behave at a party, what your expectations are for your spouse and yourself, discuss your parents, your pets, vacation destinations, finances, who will be responsible for what in the marriage (he takes out the trash, she scrubs the toilets, etc.), does the toilet paper go over the top, or under on the roll, just discuss everything so you know where you both stand. Even then, there are no guarantees, but you can't go into a marriage thinking about that -- you have to have trust. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by Javelin You inhabit the forum. I do...? Such as...? and why does the woman have so much less to lose than me? Isn't it, "50-50" or is that what TV has lead us to believe. That's a mis-conception. Marriage is 100/100. If you can't enter a marriage, (Or any kind of relationship for that matter), expecting to get pissed off, hurt, sometimes heart broken or even betrayed, then you have no business getting into it. No marriage is perfect and you will experience these things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Javelin Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Have you two ever discussed infidelity? Once or twice, but briefly. She's accused my of cheating, but I mean I've never and would never. I had proof; friends vouched for me etc etc. I have nothing to hide about being unfaithful because I've never been. Am 100% faithfull and will always be. How does she react to the idea of cheating by yourself or her? Her cheating, I'm not sure. She really doesnt talk about the subject much. When we do talk about I'm usually throwing out all these points and such. She has many points, but she's very light on the subject. I'm her first, "official" boyfriend and as she says, " hopefully my (her) last." Most importantly, can she discuss problems in the relationship with you and do you resolve them together? Yes, it takes a bit of time, but we resolve them when the arise. Little problems though! Like I'll forget to call because I'm sleeping or something, and wake her ass up at 5am when she has to work at 7. Are you living together? Nope, not yet. Dicussed, but she's not well with money at the moment, so I'm not living with someone that cannot manage money well. I firmly believe that people should live together for a minimum of six months before they marry. Some people are very bad at living with others and you only find this out by actually living with them. Yah, I'll agree. I'll add to it as well. The person I live with has to be a near neat freak. I'm messy, but I do clean up after myself & if the apartment isn't spotless someone's getting the broom! Haha, I sound like a old tired house husband hehe. Talk about E*V*E*R*Y*T*H*I*N*G before getting married. Sex, kids, religion, politics, fidelity, what constitutes infidelity, how to behave at a party, what your expectations are for your spouse and yourself, discuss your parents, your pets, vacation destinations, finances, who will be responsible for what in the marriage (he takes out the trash, she scrubs the toilets, etc.), does the toilet paper go over the top, or under on the roll, just discuss everything so you know where you both stand. This should be the golden rule before getting married. I'm going to keep a mental note of this right here. Link to post Share on other sites
savethedrama4allama Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by Moose If you can't enter a marriage, (Or any kind of relationship for that matter), expecting to get pissed off, hurt, sometimes heart broken or even betrayed, then you have no business getting into it. No marriage is perfect and you will experience these things. I agree. You have to expect that you're not going to always "like" your spouse but still be willing to work on it. Every married couple I know has at least gone to counseling if they haven't separated or divorced. Its going to suck at some point- guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Marriage is 100/100 Moose, he's talking about divorce law. Her cheating, I'm not sure. She really doesnt talk about the subject much Not good. You should be able to discuss everything and know what each other thinks about each topic. she's not well with money at the moment, so I'm not living with someone that cannot manage money well. One red flag. Depends on what 'cannot manage money well' means. If she's a late bill-payer but doesn't overspend and does eventually pay bills, not too bad. If she's in horrendous amounts of debt and doesn't seem much concerned - not a good thing. The person I live with has to be a near neat freak. I'm messy, but I do clean up after myself & if the apartment isn't spotless someone's getting the broom People do have to reach an agreeable compromise. Talk about E*V*E*R*Y*T*H*I*N*G before getting married. This should be the golden rule before getting married. I'm going to keep a mental note of this right here. For sure it shoud. There are marriage preparation courses you can take which help you initate the discussions or there are books you can get alog the lines of '100 questions you should ask before you marry'. People, IMHO, ought not to enter marriage without having done a lot of work to get to know each other. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Are you living together? I firmly believe that people should live together for a minimum of six months before they marry. Some people are very bad at living with others and you only find this out by actually living with them. Actually you should check you stats MOIMEME. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than couples that do not co-habitate before getting hitched. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 ANother rule besides living together for 6 mos before marriage is never, ever marry a younger person who is in their first official relationship. Doomed, if that's the case. Either she's looking to be taken care of (emotionally, financially, whatever) and woah to you if you fail (cheating b/c you weren't there for her enough but were paying for her, etc.) or she's just looking to get off the market and be safe -- if you happen to think that's the best thing, okay. Seriously, marriage is of course a huge risk. If you have any doubts of any kind about something like infidelity, then don't marry her (personally, I would suggest a prenuptial agreement that spells out what happens in case of any post-wedding or any undisclosed pre-wedding infidelity). Link to post Share on other sites
FrancoPUA Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Javelin, marriage is always a risk but becomes a VERY big risk if you: - make of her the Prize in the relationship like you seem to be doing with her.. - do not have her sign a pre-nuptial agreement or hide your money in a corporation before marrying her. - you act too needy on her. Women hate neediness... a marriage ending with a divorce where she leaves with the kids, the house and the money starts with you being needy on her from the beginning and making of her the Prize from the beginning... Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Javelin Posted February 4, 2005 Author Share Posted February 4, 2005 Thanks for the replies guys, I've infact come to a conclusion that she is NOT the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. There were many things I didnt mention and I usually look past them; however I think very soon our relationship will be over ( its for the best though ). She needs someone that will go into a relationship when it's 90/10(her) and I'm a one of those 100/100 type guys. BTW- Sorry for the late reply. A lot has been going on and such! =) Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Moose, he's talking about divorce law. I beg to differ now Moi, I knew what I was saying, when I said it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 As a man you have much more to potentially lose in a failed marriage. I do...? Such as...? and why does the woman have so much less to lose than me? Isn't it, "50-50" or is that what TV has lead us to believe. Moose. He was talking about what he might potentially lose in a failed marriage, i.e. a divorce in response to the statement by the poster he quoted. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Ahhhh, I see.....thanks for the clarification. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted February 6, 2005 Share Posted February 6, 2005 Well Javelin, I am glad you have sorted out your feelings and what you want/expect. Marriage is a big risk. No doubt. One I am preparing to take in less than 3 months time. We have spent a lot of time and energy getting to know each other, working through things and learning how to live with each others faults, as well as all our good points. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Javelin Posted February 7, 2005 Author Share Posted February 7, 2005 Thanks Again, One I am preparing to take in less than 3 months time. Wow, big step! Congradulations on your marriage plans! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Actually you should check you stats MOIMEME. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than couples that do not co-habitate before getting hitched. I did not know this. I wonder why that is? Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Actually you should check you stats MOIMEME. Couples who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than couples that do not co-habitate before getting hitched. Originally posted by dyermaker I did not know this. I wonder why that is? Well the danger with citing stats is that almost any statistic can be manipulated to prove a point. Always remember the source of the statistics. Most of the websites that cite the higher rate of cohabitation/marriage divorces are also often run by religious folks or groups that have a point to prove. By being anti-cohabitation in the first place the veracity of thier claims should be taken with a big grain of salt. On the allegation that cohabitation increases the risk of divorce: "The most sophisticated studies have found that, although cohabitation engenders somewhat more liberal attitudes toward divorce, it does not increase the likelihood of marital disruption." - Final report prepared for the Department of Health and Human Services by Abt Associates. "The Determinants of Marriage and Cohabitation Among Disadvantaged Americans: Research Findings and Needs." Marriage and Family Formation Data Analysis Project, March 2003. "The problem with this research is that it does not adequately account for selection -- people who choose to live together before marriage are not the same people who choose to marry directly. They comprise at least two different groups with different attitudes toward marriage, religion, and relationships in general. ... To attribute premarital cohabitors' higher subsequent divorce rate and non-premarital-cohabitors' lower subsequent divorce rate to the fact that they did and did not cohabit before they married is unwarranted and bad science." - William Pinsof, family psychologist and President of the Family Institute at Northwestern University, in Family Process, vol. 41, no. 2, 2002 "Claims that individuals who cohabit before marriage hurt their chances of a good marriage pay too little attention to this evidence [research showing that it is likely other factors, not cohabitation, that create the apparent difference in divorce rates]." - Judith Seltzer, University of California sociologist, in "Families Formed Outside of Marriage," Journal of Marriage and the Family, November 2000. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Javelin Posted February 11, 2005 Author Share Posted February 11, 2005 Am single... I do love her, but it's for the best. Think I'll post the out-come in break ups! Hehe Link to post Share on other sites
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