Mercy88 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I will try to keep this as short and simple as I can. Met my husband when I was 21 and he was 28. Of course I was all about drinking and partying as I had just turned 21. As years went by I calmed down and he only seemed to cling tighter to his 20's. He had a cocaine problem when we met and I thought it had stopped, he also smoked weed a few times a week and that didn't bother me, although I do not do it myself. Come to find out he had been doing cocaine off and on behind my back. Fast forward 7 years and we are married. During those 7 years he has not done one single thing to better his life. When his house was foreclosed on he moved in with me, when his ex couldn't take care of his two kids anymore, they moved in also and I raised them for over 3 years. He brings home maybe $200.00 a week after child support and the 2nd mortgage for the foreclosed house comes out of his check (he has to pay it or it falls back on his parents who were co-signers and they can't afford it.) After about a year of being married, I was sick of the cocaine use, definitely sick of him lying about it, sick of his drinking and sick of him doing no housework or yard work. I did a terrible thing, I cheated with a mutual friend of ours. There is no excuse but I had had enough of being his "mother" and not having an equal partner, someone to meet me halfway or to be a teammate with. My husband moved out, got a girlfriend with 3 kids of her own that she didn't take care of and continued his cocaine habit which got worse because now he has someone to do it with him. Someone who will drink like him and party like him and avoid all responsibility. So I continued a relationship with the man I cheated with. He loves me, goes out of his way to show it. We always have a good time together whether it be at the grocery store or out for dinner or just sitting at his house grilling out. We are a team. We pick each other up instead of tearing one another down. Don't get me wrong, I was madly in love with my husband for a long time, until the old habits and pathological lying and complete lack of ambition just wore me down. Knowing that if I lost my job, we'd lose our home, our vehicles, our security. I was tired of all of that lying on my shoulders and it's so nice to be with someone I love who can be that partner and team mate that I need. I have known him for 8 years and we have always been friends. I know what I did was wrong. I know it is shameful and unforgivable. It's been a year. My husband wants to come home. Swears he will never touch cocaine again. Swears he will cut back on his drinking. Swears he will never do me wrong or neglect me again. I'm torn because in the year we have been apart, I have hurt and I have cried, I have regretted and I have begged God. It hurts just as much now as it did when we first separated. No matter how the one I am now treats me, no matter how good he is to me, I miss my husband. I miss the friendship that we had and the connection that we had. I don't know if it's that I just never cut off all contact and have kept myself tethered to him in some was shape or form for the last year or if it's because I never really got any closure on the situation....but I don't know if I should try to work things out or stay in a relationship where I know I'm loved and I'm met halfway and I don't feel taken advantage of or lied to.... I know it was wrong to cheat. Bash me all you like. But I need advice. I've spent the past year building a life with one man and I can't imagine going back to the stressful life I had with my husband, but at the same time, I miss him regardless. It's one of those childish "You want what you can't have" things and I'm afraid that when I "get it" I suddenly won't want it anymore. I'm being incredibly selfish I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery2Me Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) Sorry you are dealing with this marriage. And that soon you will take steps towards improving your life. First off BOTH you and your husbands are addicts. He primarily drugs (followed by people/things that support that habit)...and you primarily addicted to being the "OTHER WOMAN" Unfortunately, you seem to have a pattern of choosing relationships where something is placed before you, and only when those things are taken care of are your needs consider. For instance you say that Husband has done not one single thing to improve his life.....Well that is NOT TRUE!!! In fact you provided a detailed list of how he has brilliantly improved His Life Choice of being a drug addict and ensure his responsibilities have been taken care of by you or others *Married you *Moved in with you after his home was foreclosed on *Child rearing provided by you *Parent's are co-signers *Keeping you addicted to him so once he grows tired of outside "girlfriend" he can come back to you You have made yourself again the OTHER WOMAN in your other relationship...because he treats you nice. My dear, you are worth so much more than these relationship crumbs....PLEASE do go to therapy. You need to find out who really are and discover what is is like to have a high level of self-esteem. Finally you also beautifully answered your own question about staying with Husband.....When we met I was 21 yrs old. He's holding on to his 20s. Darling you are now 28yrs old time to be a grown up....you have ample proof of what a relationship with him will be. And your whole post is you do not like it and that is wonderful. Time to move on, end marriage and affair. Good luck to you and take care. ~Mystery Edited March 5, 2014 by Mystery2Me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I think you are past the point where you can choose. He has 2 kids, is a former addict [he says], he did not hit rock bottom even when he lost his home, and relied on you, but when he ended up with a woman who potentially had bigger problems than him. Otoh, this man does not need you to be his mommy. Right now [since 1yr has passed and you mourned your last relationship], you are in the middle of a new relationship -discounting the way it started-, and you have to make a decision on weather or not you cheat on your present relationship or not. 'It's dead Dave, it's all dead.', dead and buried. What you should do is find a way to make sure you don't see what you did 1yr ago as 'right', or find any way to rationalize it as good in the end, because you don't want to end up in a situation where you always end a relationship by cheating ... it's really not healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Complicated situation Mercy, Despite how it started, you are in what sounds like a good and healthy relationship.... the kind you wanted with your husband, and now he is back on the scene "claiming" he can provide the same. From your post, I can tell you have more then a passing interest in giving it another shot, and people do have the capacity to change. I would take a good long look at what his motives are though. Is he cleaned up and crawling back because his other girl is done with him and he needs another soft place to land? Or has he really had an opportunity to grow and made some lasting changes to his life? My advice is whatever you choose to do, answer those questions first, and be as honest as you can with both of them about where you stand. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
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