I'm the jerk... should I divorce?

[Luke997]

First off, I know I’m a horrible person, so there’s no need to reply with that. Hope somebody can get through this long but sordid message.

 

 

The situation is that I am married for about 1.5 years, but we’ve been together for 7 years. I started cheating on her 7 months ago and recently met a new woman that I want to be with instead.

 

 

My wife and I met as undergrad students when I randomly started talking to her after a stressful test. I’m not entirely sure why I started talking to her. My motives were initially sexual and that hadn’t been going well lately at the time, so I think it was related to seeing interest in her face, but I didn’t find her particularly attractive or unattractive. We got along really well, liked most of the same things, similar world view. She was a virgin and intended to wait 3 months, but we ended up waiting 2 weeks and we initially had sex quite a bit, almost every day. Pretty quickly she started doing everything for me. She was further along in a shorter professional program than mine, so she graduated and started making a high income a few years after we started dating. Not only that, but she continued to do everything for me, from taking care of most bills to laundry. All she wanted was my time. She moved away from her family and friends to be with me while I go to my professional school, and she also did a lot to help me get into it. I feel so comfortable with her, and she’s the only person I’ve ever even come close to trusting. Nothing would surprise me more than her wanting to leave me or even cheat on me. She’s safe, but in the months leading up to our wedding, I kept getting that song stuck in my head about the “sound of settling.” I think I should have stopped it.

 

 

For most of the relationship, except for the past 7 months or so, I didn’t cheat on her but she was my whole social world. I didn’t interact with anybody else except for business purposes and I was so busy all the time. I knew at the time that I didn’t feel like making any kind of effort to cheat on her, but that if a beautiful woman asked me to do it, I probably would. She knew I had a history of cheating. She was unusual in that she said that if I make a mistake and cheat, she doesn’t want to know. Why should she have to hurt when I was the one who made a mistake and should live with it?

 

 

Well a very difficult year in my professional program was cleared, and then gave way to a much easier year starting last summer. We still don’t have kids, but tried a few times resulting in unexplained miscarriage. This was really hard. Our sex life dwindled to almost nothing, but not sure if that was why, but it was me who was avoiding it. I didn’t want to have sex with her, I would rather look at porn. Even moreso, I had this intense desire to sleep with as many women as possible, and so joined an online dating site. I met about 25 women from that site, and slept with some of them, a couple of them at least 50 times. There were a few “relationships.” Only one of them so far ever found out I am married, through some detective work on her part. As far as my wife knew, I was always out with friends and spending less and less time with her. While it was exciting and fun, my stress level was skyrocketing. I was living like a spy in my own apartment, constantly checking myself, protecting my phone, anticipating lies I would need to tell, I even used a keystroke recorder to get her passwords so that I could intercept facebook messages to her from the one who found out I was married. And every morning I would wake up hating myself.

 

 

 

Then something changed. I met somebody amazing. Doing nothing with her is more fun than doing something fun with anybody else, listening to her talk about something I would normally find completely mundane is exciting, kissing her is like a drug, she’s caring and insightful. Before we even had sex, I completely lost my desire to keep pursuing other women, and started to feel not only luke-warm towards my wife, but really disgusted when my wife even kissed me. So I’m thinking of what I could do to be with this relatively new woman. I conclude that I couldn’t, in the long run, get away with saying I had never been married (as my dating profile said, and she had explicitly stated she didn’t want to date divorced men) so had to find a way to come clean to her about being “divorced” and then I would make it happen and do right from then on.

 

 

 

Well, before I was ready for that, she point-blank asked me if I had been divorced. With the long run in mind I replied yes. That led to a huge ordeal. She spent the next 26 hours, with me present, being extremely angry about me lying and didn’t know what to do because she’s never felt such a connection with somebody as she does with me. The ordeal sort of “ended” with her talking to her best friend for 1.5 hours about it, who encouraged her to take the risk of being with me because of how we have a connection she’s never experienced before. After that, things went back to normal. But it made me worry about whether this woman could love unconditionally. About a day later, we had sex for the first time. I also recently lost a family member, and she’s been extremely supportive.

 

The night after I had sex with the other woman for the first time, I brought up the idea of separation with my wife for the first time. On the drive there I was thinking that I wanted it regardless of what happens with the new woman. It killed me to see my wife so hurt, and she was extremely determined to fight for the relationship. She thinks I’m not thinking clearly because of my recent loss. I didn’t admit to infidelity, but did say that something is wrong, we’ve grown apart, and I’m not sure if the problem is with myself or the relationship but that I think we should separate to see if I could live without her, emotionally. She said she couldn’t do that, because she has nothing here, and would need to just move back to her family and transfer jobs. I told her she did nothing wrong, but it’s just how I feel. Somehow, in the midst of a lot of sobbing, she ended up getting me to take it back but then we talked about it again when I got home late the next night. She had spent the day crying, and the evening talking to my family on the phone, who had no idea what was going on since I never talk to them. It was a repeat of me talking about separation, and her getting me to take it back. But this time it ended in sex. The sex was really good, but immediately afterwards I wanted to vomit. In the morning I woke up thinking of the other woman, feeling guilty about cheating on HER, and not my wife. But my wife really did make me feel unsure. She says I would never find somebody who loves me as unconditionally as she does, and that we’re soulmates, she does so much for me (yeah she does), and I just need to put more effort and time into the relationship. But… I just don’t want to. I don’t think... I don’t know… It’s true that I’m trying to separate now partially to give the new relationship a chance, so I can get all of my lying and cheating behind me, but I know that finding somebody new and exciting isn’t a good enough reason on its own to divorce. I don’t think it’s the only reason, but not sure if I would still push for divorce without it. I hate being alone, actually, I'm not even sure if I can ever stand being alone and that's how I got into this situation. The lease on our apartment is up in a few months and my new relationship knows that. She believes I am living with somebody who is an extreme slob, and I am hoping that will inhibit her from demanding to see my apartment before then. The cleanest plan would be to separate as the lease is up… but I also just want to get it taken care of now… I hope somebody can offer some guidance as to how to know if I would regret a divorce. Or what else I should do besides kill myself (thought has crossed my mind, yes, but no plan to do it). If I come fully clean to the new woman I think I would lose her, and not because she doesn't love me, but because she has principles and self-respect. That doesn't mean we couldn't be happy in the long run though. I never want to go through this, or put other women through what I've put these women through, again.

[aussietigerwolf]

so you're a serial cheater who wants to leave his wife for someone who's willing to cheat with you and you think this is going to have a happy ending?

 

But yes, you should divorce and let your wife find someone worthy of her.

[TheBladeRunner]

Enjoy your affair "fog" OP........eventually it will "lift". You made your bed now man up and tell your wife you don't want her anymore and accept whatever consequences you get. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, nobody.

[Luke997]

so you're a serial cheater who wants to leave his wife for someone who's willing to cheat with you and you think this is going to have a happy ending?

 

Actually none of the women I cheated on my wife with were aware that I'm married. I'm not really sure if my relationship life could ever have a happy ending. I really do intend to stop, but I don't trust myself either.

 

So far I feel like the advice is for my wife's benefit out of disgust with me. Not what I was looking for, but understandable.

[Janesays]

The most selfless thing you can do in this world is divorce your wife. Let that poor woman find a man who will treat her as well as she deserves.

 

As for you? Your happiness is irrelevant to me. You don't deserve it, so why should I bother helping you find it?

[aussietigerwolf]

unless I read it wrong, your current ap knows you are married. Also you asked if you should divorce and have been told that you should so how is that not relevant?

Actually none of the women I cheated on my wife with were aware that I'm married. I'm not really sure if my relationship life could ever have a happy ending. I really do intend to stop, but I don't trust myself either.

 

So far I feel like the advice is for my wife's benefit out of disgust with me. Not what I was looking for, but understandable.

[Luke997]

unless I read it wrong, your current ap knows you are married.

 

While she initially thought I was never married, she then found out I have been "divorced," which I intend to make reality, but isn't yet reality, so is still a lie, unfortunately. In any case, no she doesn't know I am currently married.

 

Also you asked if you should divorce and have been told that you should so how is that not relevant?

 

Well the reason has been because my wife deserves better. But it's definitely not what she wants, and I don't even think it would be what she wants if she knew. Though I'm sure she would be very angry and hurt, to put it lightly. She would most likely want to go to counseling. She said she would give up anything to be with me. She's a great person and does deserve better. But I don't even think she wants better unless it's a better version of myself. I'm not saying this out of arrogance, just from what she's said.

[Poppyolive]

Dude...my brain hurts reading this, you are a mess! Total mess... You are searching for happiness in all these women....and its how you ended up with your wife....this is a vicious cycle that starts and ends with you.....you are not well. How about divorcing your wife and get help? Find out why you're afraid of being alone and constantly looking for the next best thing which will never be good enough...how many lives shattered along the way. You come across as someone with no self respect, no self love and clearly unhealthy. Get yourself sorted then you will find your happiness. Because right now you're not, even if you divorce

And move in with this new lady... You'll get bored and search again....aside from you've already lied to her....you are incapable of love, care, respect, honesty & empathy...just because you dont have it for yourself doesn't mean you should inflicting it on someone else.

Leave all these women alone.... Sort your head out!

[Luke997]

Dude...my brain hurts reading this, you are a mess! Total mess... You are searching for happiness in all these women....and its how you ended up with your wife....this is a vicious cycle that starts and ends with you.....you are not well. How about divorcing your wife and get help? Find out why you're afraid of being alone and constantly looking for the next best thing which will never be good enough...how many lives shattered along the way. You come across as someone with no self respect, no self love and clearly unhealthy. Get yourself sorted then you will find your happiness. Because right now you're not, even if you divorce

And move in with this new lady... You'll get bored and search again....aside from you've already lied to her....you are incapable of love, care, respect, honesty & empathy...just because you dont have it for yourself doesn't mean you should inflicting it on someone else.

Leave all these women alone.... Sort your head out!

 

I think you're right.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Dude ...you are broken ...and every person you touch turns into collateral damage.

 

Get help. After you gift your wife the life she deserves by divorcing her. Give her some freaking dignity. Tell her the truth...you owe it to her.

 

Same goes for your new relationship. Let them both make informed decisions about the man they *think* is their soul mate...that man is a fantasy.. A myth.