nowaygoingthereagain Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I have been NC with my fAP for about 2 months. She has, what I believe indirectly tried to connect with me. My W and I are seem to be doing better. Our communication has opened up. My W only knows about the EA, there was not much of a PA but there was one. There was a significant EA for almost a year. I also feel much stronger physically and mentally dealing quite well in high stress situations. I have also rationalized (to what almost feels like death) all the reasons why my fAP and I were never right for one another. I also know that we both probably feel much better off without each other in our lives at all. So here is my question. Why am I having such a difficult time going mental NC? Even though she felt strong guilt over the PA, she surely still wanted the EA and have cake and eat it too. I was fed up with it, felt like all I was getting was her guilty feelings, felt like all I was doing was giving the attention and enhancing her ego and her own marriage. So one day I decided to confront her via text (she had a habit of texting me even though I had gone NC on her for a couple for a while and where I let myself get drawn back in) and after that confrontation, I decided to ignore her any attempts to directly or indirectly connect with me. Maybe it didn't end exactly how I wanted it, but why oh why am I having such a hard time with mental NC. I still think about her every single day. Can somebody with experience in my shoes tells me when this crap ends. Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Tell your wife and also expose the affair to your AP's spouse. The light will shine on the dark of the affair. Your wife does not have all the information to put the puzzle together, like you do. You will have help in not thinking fondly of her everyday, when you go from fantasy to reality. Link to post Share on other sites
goumao Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Don't be such a selfish d%$khead and tell your wife about EVERYTHING. Leaving out the PA is only saving your own ass. Your wife has probably always treated you with respect and she deserves the same in return. She's making the decision not to divorce you based on the fact that you had an EA but also had the strength, morals and respect for her not to go PA. And that as you well know is a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Why are you having a hard time? Because it is very difficult to let go of someone you have been close to. It's natural. Go read on the other board, OM/OW. NC is perhaps the most difficult topic of discussion people struggle with. You are unlikely to get the answers to your questions on this particular board. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/ Link to post Share on other sites
TiredFamilyGuy Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 So you stopped the affair because your AP was getting all the attention and bumming you out with her guilt. Not the best reasons, but OK. Then you part confessed i.e. Were part honest. Not the best approach, but there you are. Nothing about your wife here. You should tell her the truth so that she is free to make her decisions in possession of the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 This fits with what I have read. Namely, some women love the EA and enter a PA solely to keep the EA going. The sex isn’t great but it’s the price they have to pay for the EA. “Women give sex for love and men give love for sex." Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Maybe it didn't end exactly how I wanted it, but why oh why am I having such a hard time with mental NC. I still think about her every single day. The affair may have been inappropriate and wrong and may have been the right thing to do to end it, but it is still a break up and still a loss. There is still a loss there and break ups hurt. people still go through the grieving process and still need to heal and recover after the loss of an affair even though it was wrong. You still need to do all the things that people advise on dealing with the break up on a legitimate relationship. And like legitimate relationships it will take time and it will get better with time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Take a look at a few of my early threads. I asked the same questions and got some good responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nowaygoingthereagain Posted March 7, 2014 Author Share Posted March 7, 2014 CD where are u in ur life and how has it been? Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 (edited) CD where are u in ur life and how has it been? It's getting there. It's been about 11 months since DDay. There are still ups and downs but the A is no longer an every day thing. He still comes to mind at times, but for the most part it's pretty easy to dismiss. Edited March 8, 2014 by compulsivedancer Didn't realize question was posed by OP. Trying not to t/j. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 having such a hard time with mental NC. I still think about her every single day. Can somebody with experience in my shoes tells me when this crap ends. What do you do when you think of her? Do you continue to let your thoughts run wild and think? or do you PUSH yourself, distract yourself to rid of the thoughts? Some of this is habit and allowing the mind to take over and drift to her. A learned behaviour and habit CAN be broken but you have to 'want' to stop thinking of her. Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I meant it's been 13 months. Bad counting. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts