Financially dependent boyfriend - How to find a way out?

[ChinaCat]

Me: 24yo college-educated female, Him: 27yo high school-educated male. Met when we were 21 and 24, going on almost three years together. First 10 months we were long distance while I finished school, then moved in together immediately after graduation as I moved to a new city with him for his new job and he got me a job with the same company.

 

Him: Historically Financially Unstable

- Thousands of dollars in credit card debt from when he was 19-21 years old

- Has not paid taxes in several years

- Didn't pay a police fine several years ago and may have a warrant out for his arrest in that state (he's not sure)

- Owes his family some amount of money larger than $500, possibly up to several thousand dollars

- We lived off of (and used up completely) my savings/graduation money for the first two months together before getting our first paychecks because he was broke after two weeks without a paycheck

 

Me: High credit score, have always had savings, have never been in debt

 

Our Job in City #1

-The nature of our job (as contracted salespeople, not employees) meant that the amount of effort you put in was what you got out. I worked 5-7 days a week and made about $1000 a week (at a much lower pay scale than him, as he was my manager). He worked similarly hard for the first two months, but over the next few months decreased his work time, down to working 2-6 hours per WEEK, none of them writing personal sales. During this time, he made money only based on how much my coworkers (whom I was directly supervising, since he delegated all managerial duties to me) and I sold. In the morning he would bark at me to go to work, and then he would spend all day smoking weed and playing video games. He stopped working because his boss was an ******* and he couldn't stand the thought of his boss making money off of him (admittedly true, but you don't see WalMart employees just quitting going to work just because the CEO's an *******)

- He stopped earning enough to contribute to rent. This was a little over a year ago. He started racking up debt to me in the form of being unable to contribute to rent and other expenses. He has not since Jan. 2013 paid me a full month's rent.

- At no point while we lived together did he have his own car. He had full access to mine but contributed nothing to upkeep, insurance, etc. This limited my freedom/independence immensely.

- We adopted a dog together on the condition that he would go back to work at least three days per week. He worked only one single day in the next four months. I signed the adoption papers and have paid 80-90% of the dog's vet, food, and upkeep bills, but he continues to remind me that if I ever break up with him, he gets the dog.

 

 

Moving to City #2, the city of my Alma Mater

- I told him he couldn't come with me unless he did some very basic things to prepare himself to find a new job (i.e. updating resume, researching a few different careers he'd be interested in). He did not do these basic things, but when it came time to leave, I caved and let him come, probably because it was just easier than fighting over the dog and all our stuff in the middle of his mom's driveway. Plus the 20 hour drive was easier with another driver. Stupidest reasoning ever.

- He was completely broke at this point and already in debt to me $2500.

- I introduced him to all of my college friends (a lot of guys) who are still in the city and they took a huge liking to him. Meanwhile, my social anxiety has flared up and I have found it difficult to keep up with friendships.

- I got him a job at my new workplace (a lab at my old department) for a few months after he'd spent his first month here barely looking for jobs.

- When that temporary position ended, he barely looked for a job for another month, until a guy randomly messaged him on LinkedIn with a position similar to that he was in in City #1. This required him to set up his own sales company, which he needed me to front the money for. This was a month ago, and he has yet to make a dime. He refused even to write up a business plan. Luckily I'm only out $350 for the business thing as of right now.

 

 

Like Living with a Teenager:

- He's 27 but acts like he's 14 regarding personal responsibility (taxes, credit card debt, obtaining health insurance, etc)

- He does not do chores unless nagged incessantly, and gets huffy about being nagged

- Smokes weed all the freaking time

- Does not make plans, either personal or business

- Has the palate of a 5 year old - chicken nuggets, corn dogs, burgers, and pizza, pretty much

 

 

Now for his good points:

He is always sweet and very kind to everyone he encounters. He deals with my mental health issues very gracefully, embraces my outspoken feminist personality, and does seem to love me very genuinely. Though, I can't help but think that when he says I'm the reason he wakes up in the morning and his reason for living and that he has nothing without me, that that toes the line between true expression of love and controlling speech.

 

 

I can't help but feel unbelievably hurt, used, and manipulated. I've wanted to break up with him for easily nine months now, but haven't been able to get the courage to put my foot down and not let him talk me out of it. As a result, I've become a person I honestly hate, since I resort to passive-aggressiveness bordering on emotional abuse as a way to cope with my feeling of being utterly used and trapped. I've been rehearsing breakup conversations all day long, but I am held back because I don't see a way for this to end with us actually having a break from each other, and I've never been able to take a giant leap without seeing at least one feasible place to land. Right now, it seems that any way I do it will create big problems for me, but ironically those problems could have been avoided if I'd just done it earlier.

 

Reasons Why We're Too Tangled for a Real Break in Contact:

- He owes me personally ~$5000 (this total does NOT include groceries, utilities from the past 6 months, car insurance, gas, vet bills, weed that he insists on having a constant supply of), and I am hurting financially because I've had to support two adults and a dog on a very tiny amount of earnings for about a year. I would like this money back and he insists that he will pay it back, but the amount keeps growing.

- He has zero money right now, and his business (his only source of potential income, even though it has not earned a dime yet) will require money in order to make any, if it does ever get going. I'm technically a part owner in the company.

- Even if he did find another mode of funding for the business, he has no car to get to work with other than mine.

- He has zero money now and the only people he knows in this city are my college friends, so if I ask him to move out, either he'll have to abandon his business and get bus fare home to his mom's from me (which I doubt he'll do/I don't think I can force him to do), or he'll ask my friends if he can stay with them, which, since they're all "bros" now, at least one of them will probably say yes. I fear he'll turn my friends against me.

- He will want the dog, whom we both love dearly, despite the fact that he has no money or home to take care of her in. I don't want to take her away from him completely, but I think she should stay with me while he still owes me money, since we never would have adopted her if I'd known he wasn't willing to fulfill our agreement that he start putting in minimal hours at work.

- Since my social anxiety flared up a year and a half ago, it's been hard for me to go out and meet people or see friends, since it's been easier to just go home and have safe, easy (albeit often boring) social interaction with him. I worry that I'm too out of practice and will be completely devoid of social interaction without him and the friends he would stay with. These worries may prove to be unfounded... I have always done better when I'm independent, but I can't help but worry.

 

I used to be confident, self-reliant, social, ambitious, and independent. I want my old self back, but I don't think I can get there within this defeating relationship, even though I don't think he's the cause of my personal issues. I think we could remain friends after some solid time away from one another, but I cannot fathom how to get that break from him since he seems so completely dependent on me. A few months ago I could have afforded some sort of alimony thing for a month, but I am on the verge of going into debt right now.

 

If anyone read all of that and has any advice, I'd really, really appreciate it. I feel lost.

[Els]

Okay, the way I see it, there are really only three reasons why you are staying, and I have responses for each:

 

1) The debt he owes you - You've already said that it's only growing and he isn't paying any of it back. What makes you think he will if you stay longer?

2) Concern about his well-being - It's sweet of you to be concerned, but if you don't want to be with him any longer, don't let that stop you. Give him, say, a month's warning to get his stuff in order (buy/borrow/beg/whatever a car, etc), that's all you need to do.

3) Your social anxiety - You need to work on this anyway, staying with him won't help.

[hestheone66]

You are in a codependent relationship. He does not have any intention of changing and why should he? He knows you will cave as your ultimatums are hollow. I left my user ex after realising that love is much much more than emotional support. He gets you to demonstrate your love for him by supporting him. But feels he is entitled to not reciprocate. Being sweet and kind and enslaving you is not a loving act . It is the act of a coward. Plan your leaving deliberately and without manipulation eg. I've decided to leave you because as you know over these many years you have deliberately used me for financial support .it can't get better as he's not capable . It may not be his fault. Think of it as a permanent flaw like being colour blind and it cannot change just because you want it to. Find a new home anew life and write off what he owes you. You won't ever see it again so make peace with that. Your happiness is worth more than $5000

[d0nnivain]

All the money he owes you, kiss it good bye. That's gone & you will never get it back.

 

 

Kick him out. Don't be a b1tch about it give him 2 weeks notice or something but make it clear you are done with his lazy a$$. I got my lazy EX to get a job by saying he had 2 weeks to find anything or he was out. He got a job. It enabled him to start to work his way out of debt but he never fully got there.

 

 

The only other option to accept that he's your house husband & you will always be the primary bread winner. He needs to step up & clean, cook etc. If you are OK with that, great.

 

 

Otherwise tell him to hit the bricks.

[Chi townD]

Write this guy off and take the hit on the cash. You're never going to get it back. He's been leaching off you for far too long.

 

 

I mean, if he doesn't have any cash flow coming in, then where's he getting the money to buy all of this weed?

 

 

Look, it would be one thing if he was dusting off his resume or signing up for school. Applying for jobs everyday. But, he's not doing this. So, even if he's not doing this and you seem to be carrying him, then he should be doing things to make your life easier. Cleaning up the place and maintaining the household. Running errands for you....he's not doing this either. All relationships are a process of give and take. Well, he's been taking and giving very little. And this guy has way too much baggage.

 

 

 

 

I think it's time to move on.

[ChinaCat]

I don't need encouragement that leaving is the right option, though I appreciate you all confirming this. I have already made that decision.

 

Maybe I didn't emphasize this enough, but none of you have mentioned how to handle the dog situation, which, to be completely clear, is the biggest hurdle to dumping him. The second biggest hurdle, which also hasn't been discussed in responses, is not knowing where he'll go after he has to leave my apartment, as the only options I see are him staying with my friends (thus requiring me to take a break from them too) or moving 1200 miles home with his mom. I can't force him to leave the city and I can't force my friends to deny him a place to stay without bringing them in the middle of our problems. In breaking up with him, I can forego the money (not painlessly, but whatever), but should I also expect to forego my major friend group and the place where we all socialize most often? When I ask him to leave and give him a timeline, is it at all reasonable or even possible to make demands about him spending time or staying with my friends? Should I accept that he'll probably stay there and I won't actually have any break from him other than not living in the same place if I still want to see my friends?

 

I do not ask these questions because I'm looking for an excuse to stay with him. I ask because I want to mitigate the effects that this breakup will have on other aspects of my life. Like I said, he doesn't make plans. If I just give him a move out date, he'll either not prepare at all or take the easiest option of sleeping on my friends' couch. If there's another situation out there that would be better for me, I'm going to have to plan it all out for him. A worse alternative is that if I give him a move out date, he may just leave with the dog while I'm at work one day and go who knows where.

[clia]

You are only 24 years old and this situation is not going to get any better. You provide him no incentive to work. Why should he? He has a roof over his head, food to eat, a TV to watch, and a car to drive and he doesn't have to do anything.

 

You are not too entangled with him. You just have to muster up the courage to walk away.

 

Reasons Why We're Too Tangled for a Real Break in Contact:

- He owes me personally ~$5000 (this total does NOT include groceries, utilities from the past 6 months, car insurance, gas, vet bills, weed that he insists on having a constant supply of), and I am hurting financially because I've had to support two adults and a dog on a very tiny amount of earnings for about a year. I would like this money back and he insists that he will pay it back, but the amount keeps growing.

 

You will never see this money again, even if you stay with him. It is not important to him at all to pay you back. If it was, he would be working. Even if he gets some money, odds are high that he will not give it to you.

 

Write off the $5,000. It is a small price to pay to be rid of this loser.

 

- He has zero money right now, and his business (his only source of potential income, even though it has not earned a dime yet) will require money in order to make any, if it does ever get going. I'm technically a part owner in the company.

 

Not your problem. Give him the company.

 

- Even if he did find another mode of funding for the business, he has no car to get to work with other than mine.

 

Not your problem.

 

- He has zero money now and the only people he knows in this city are my college friends, so if I ask him to move out, either he'll have to abandon his business and get bus fare home to his mom's from me (which I doubt he'll do/I don't think I can force him to do), or he'll ask my friends if he can stay with them, which, since they're all "bros" now, at least one of them will probably say yes. I fear he'll turn my friends against me.

 

Not your problem.

 

Are your friends aware of how badly he is using you? If they aren't, be sure to tell them. I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about with respect to your friends siding with him. If they do side with him over you when you are making a perfectly rational decision, then they were not your true friends.

 

If they want to allow him to move in with them so they can be used, then that is their decision. I do not think you should even worry about this, honestly. It feels like a way for you to justify staying with him.

 

- He will want the dog, whom we both love dearly, despite the fact that he has no money or home to take care of her in. I don't want to take her away from him completely, but I think she should stay with me while he still owes me money, since we never would have adopted her if I'd known he wasn't willing to fulfill our agreement that he start putting in minimal hours at work.

 

Your end goal is to be rid of this guy as quickly and easily as possible. Let him have the dog. Get a new dog. (I know this sounds cold, but you have to think of yourself first. The dog is not worth staying with this guy. I know you love the dog and it will be hard, but I don't see another alternative for you.)

 

- Since my social anxiety flared up a year and a half ago, it's been hard for me to go out and meet people or see friends, since it's been easier to just go home and have safe, easy (albeit often boring) social interaction with him. I worry that I'm too out of practice and will be completely devoid of social interaction without him and the friends he would stay with. These worries may prove to be unfounded... I have always done better when I'm independent, but I can't help but worry.

 

You will be fine. Trust me. You will also be much, much better off.

 

A few months ago I could have afforded some sort of alimony thing for a month, but I am on the verge of going into debt right now.

 

WTF. He is a healthy man and you have no kids. He is in this situation because of his own decisions. You do not owe him alimony.

 

Here is my advice:

 

I don't think you'll get far with this guy with trying to force him to move out. He either won't do it or it won't give you a clean break. Is your lease up soon? Can you stick it out for a little while longer? If so, do not renew it. Inform him at some point in advance that you are not renewing the lease with him. This will give him time to figure out his financial situation. Find yourself a studio or small one bedroom apartment. Inform him that he is not moving in with you and will have to make arrangements for himself once the lease is up. Move out. By yourself. (If your lease isn't up for a long time, though, you may just have to kick him out. Is he on the lease?)

 

Go no contact with him. Your track record is to cave in, so you have no other alternative. You have to leave him to fend for himself. He will be fine. He is not disabled, handicapped, or anything else. He will find a way to support himself. If he latches on to your friend group, you may need to avoid them for awhile. So be it. You will survive and you will be so much better off.

[Chi townD]

I don't need encouragement that leaving is the right option, though I appreciate you all confirming this. I have already made that decision.

 

Maybe I didn't emphasize this enough, but none of you have mentioned how to handle the dog situation, which, to be completely clear, is the biggest hurdle to dumping him. The second biggest hurdle, which also hasn't been discussed in responses, is not knowing where he'll go after he has to leave my apartment, as the only options I see are him staying with my friends (thus requiring me to take a break from them too) or moving 1200 miles home with his mom. I can't force him to leave the city and I can't force my friends to deny him a place to stay without bringing them in the middle of our problems. In breaking up with him, I can forego the money (not painlessly, but whatever), but should I also expect to forego my major friend group and the place where we all socialize most often? When I ask him to leave and give him a timeline, is it at all reasonable or even possible to make demands about him spending time or staying with my friends? Should I accept that he'll probably stay there and I won't actually have any break from him other than not living in the same place if I still want to see my friends?

 

I do not ask these questions because I'm looking for an excuse to stay with him. I ask because I want to mitigate the effects that this breakup will have on other aspects of my life. Like I said, he doesn't make plans. If I just give him a move out date, he'll either not prepare at all or take the easiest option of sleeping on my friends' couch. If there's another situation out there that would be better for me, I'm going to have to plan it all out for him. A worse alternative is that if I give him a move out date, he may just leave with the dog while I'm at work one day and go who knows where.

 

 

Quick answer on where he goes? Not your problem. He's a grown ass man and you are not his mother.

 

 

Maybe this would be a wake up call for him to get his sh*t together! Get a job or an education an not be so dependent on other people. To find some personal pride.

 

 

As for the dog; well, the dog never did anything to you and if he leaves it behind, I venture to say that the dog contributed more to a relationship than your boyfriend did. If he leaves the dog and you don't want it then find it a good home. And don't drop him off at a no kill shelter. Because, there's no such thing as a no kill shelter. They'll hold on to the dog for a long while and if they still can find him a home, then they'll transfer him to a kill shelter. Thus, they still get to keep the title of a no kill shelter because they didn't actually kill the dog, they just transferred it to death row.

[Zahara]

OP, in order to get away from this, you have to accept that you have to make significant sacrifices. It all can't just work out as sweet as pie.

 

1) If he wants the dog, let him have it. Let him know though that if he is finding it difficult to take care of it, you will always be open to talking him. I don't see any way around this unless others have suggestions for you.

 

2) Where he lives is NONE of your business. YOU have been an enabler. Co-dependent. Putting other people's needs ahead of yours and at the expense of your own emotional, financial and mental wellbeing. His mother can send him a ticket to get him home to her. And I am sure at some point friends will tire of his mooching ways and he'll have no choice to go back and live for free with his mother. You're not responsible as to whose couch he sleeps on as well.

 

3) Your circle of friends -- There is no difficulty in making plans with them when YOU want to see THEM. The ex doesn't have to be included. If they understand your situation they'll be sure to enforce boundaries.

 

4) Is his name on the lease? If it isn't, give him a move-out date. Tell him that if he isn't gone, you will have to pack his things, send them to storage and change the locks. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. People like this will never learn until you give them a swift hard kick in the nuts. It's a wake-up call.

 

You have no other alternatives if your decision is to leave.

Edited March 5, 2014 by Zahara

[pteromom]

Your end goal is to be rid of this guy as quickly and easily as possible. Let him have the dog. Get a new dog. (I know this sounds cold, but you have to think of yourself first. The dog is not worth staying with this guy. I know you love the dog and it will be hard, but I don't see another alternative for you.)

 

I disagree. I would tell him you are keeping the dog. If he argues, you have some bargaining power. Give him a couple hundred bucks for the dog. Forgive his debt (not like you'll get the money back anyway.) Give him something else he wants.

[Zahara]

I disagree. I would tell him you are keeping the dog. If he argues, you have some bargaining power. Give him a couple hundred bucks for the dog. Forgive his debt (not like you'll get the money back anyway.) Give him something else he wants.

 

Good idea. OP, suggest that the dog goes with you and offer his some sort of something in return. I'm sure he'd rather that than the dog.

[ChinaCat]

He is not on the lease. He has a job - his dream job, actually, but it's not working out the way he hoped.

 

I do not see why he should get the dog by default when I want her just as badly (serious wtf at the idea that I might abandon my furry child at a shelter). I signed the adoption papers in our previous city (he did not). I have paid for all of her vet bills (she was heartworm positive when we adopted her) supplies, and food, minus about a $75 contribution he paid once for vet care. We both play with her, train her, feed and water her, and love her. As I said in the OP, when we were considering rescuing a dog, the condition for adoption was that he would put more effort in at work, which he didn't do. She does not get along with his mom's dog and cannot stay there, and I do not think transitory homelessness is the ideal environment for her. I see no reason why he should be the one to keep her.

 

My friends are lazy and only socialize at their house. Whatever, I guess that means I shouldn't care about losing them, right?

[Zahara]

Well, then it's easier for you to get him out. Give him notice, state the terms and if he does not comply, he faces repercussions from his own actions.

 

I think the last time there was a "dog issue" someone noted that if you have the adoption papers in your name, the dog is yours. Maybe you can call the shelter and see if they have any information as to your rights? Do some asking around and do some research.

 

So, your friends are lazy as well. If they can't get off the couch and make adjustments to accommodate the friendship, then you need to keep moving on.

[Els]

I disagree. I would tell him you are keeping the dog. If he argues, you have some bargaining power. Give him a couple hundred bucks for the dog. Forgive his debt (not like you'll get the money back anyway.) Give him something else he wants.

 

Yes, I'd take the dog. Not sure I would trust this dude to be able to take care of it, frankly.

[Chi townD]

.

 

I do not see why he should get the dog by default when I want her just as badly (serious wtf at the idea that I might abandon my furry child at a shelter). I signed the adoption papers in our previous city (he did not).

 

 

Christ on a bike, woman! Really?!?!? You asked what to do about the dog. You didn't really get into how much you loved the dog! You didn't say that you hated the dog! You asked what should you DO about the dog!

 

 

Hell, for all I know, you could be a cat kind of lady and hate dogs!

 

 

You want the dog, then keep the dog! Sounds like he doesn't have any right to it anyways!

[aussietigerwolf]

if you signed the papers and not him then just tell him you're keeping the dog and if he has a hissy fit then tell him to take you to court.

 

He is not on the lease. He has a job - his dream job, actually, but it's not working out the way he hoped.

 

I do not see why he should get the dog by default when I want her just as badly (serious wtf at the idea that I might abandon my furry child at a shelter). I signed the adoption papers in our previous city (he did not). I have paid for all of her vet bills (she was heartworm positive when we adopted her) supplies, and food, minus about a $75 contribution he paid once for vet care. We both play with her, train her, feed and water her, and love her. As I said in the OP, when we were considering rescuing a dog, the condition for adoption was that he would put more effort in at work, which he didn't do. She does not get along with his mom's dog and cannot stay there, and I do not think transitory homelessness is the ideal environment for her. I see no reason why he should be the one to keep her.

 

My friends are lazy and only socialize at their house. Whatever, I guess that means I shouldn't care about losing them, right?

[CC12]

I do not see why he should get the dog by default when I want her just as badly (serious wtf at the idea that I might abandon my furry child at a shelter). I signed the adoption papers in our previous city (he did not). I have paid for all of her vet bills (she was heartworm positive when we adopted her) supplies, and food, minus about a $75 contribution he paid once for vet care. We both play with her, train her, feed and water her, and love her. As I said in the OP, when we were considering rescuing a dog, the condition for adoption was that he would put more effort in at work, which he didn't do. She does not get along with his mom's dog and cannot stay there, and I do not think transitory homelessness is the ideal environment for her. I see no reason why he should be the one to keep her.

 

My friends are lazy and only socialize at their house. Whatever, I guess that means I shouldn't care about losing them, right?

 

Please don't get defensive. Most of the responses you've gotten so far all actually seem well thought out and non-aggressive, which is pretty good for this forum and the internet in general. And if it matters, I also got the impression that you didn't have as much of an emotional attachment to the dog since you said, "I think she should stay with me while he still owes me money" which made it seem like more of a bargaining chip than a pet you loved. I'm glad you clarified your feelings on that, though.

 

So try to keep the dog! I liked pteromom's suggestion of basically buying the dog from him. I know it's awful to think of it that way, but realistically, he can't take the dog with him if he's couch surfing, and he can't have the dog at his mom's and he has no money to care for the dog. He didn't adopt it, he hasn't paid for any of its expenses. You have the upper hand here. He has no leg to stand on.

 

On the other hand, if it comes down to him saying, "I'm not leaving without the dog" I think you might want to consider letting the dog go. The overall goal here is to get your boyfriend out of your life, right? The dog is a sacrifice you might have to make.

 

Same with your friends. You might have to sacrifice some of them. They might let him stay on their couches. They might take his side. They might be mad at you and not want to see you for a while. These are all a bunch of "what ifs" and they shouldn't factor into your decisions at all. Besides, your friends might surprise you and be totally sympathetic to your side since they've been watching you support a moocher for quite some time now. You never know.

 

The second biggest hurdle, which also hasn't been discussed in responses, is not knowing where he'll go after he has to leave my apartment, as the only options I see are him staying with my friends (thus requiring me to take a break from them too) or moving 1200 miles home with his mom.

Along the lines of buying your own dog from him, I'm thinking that tossing him a few hundred bucks to gtfo would be a pretty good investment. If he can rent out a studio apartment (with only his own name on the lease) for a $200 deposit plus $800 for the first month's rent or whatever, wouldn't it be worth it to give that to him? I know it would burn really fkn hard to spend yet another grand on him, but he would be out of your life and you wouldn't have to worry about where he's staying for a month. After that, it's completely up to him.

[nomoremindgames]

Let me tell you a little story. When I was your age I had a boyfriend that did the same things. I was co-dependent, made the money and supported him emotionally and financially. He was also a drug user. I realized that the most loving thing I could do for myself and for him was to leave him high and dry. He needed to learn self reliance and through that, self esteem. We went our separate ways and fast forward 10 years I don't regret the decision. He got himself together and was stable for a time, but recently learned he has been unemployed again, has a house payment, a child, and a girlfriend who's now supporting him. She has never known this side of him and doesn't know he's been staying with her to keep his home with no real intention of marrying her unless he has to. I know you said you made your mind up. But it is hard to break away when they act so needy. The key word here is act. It seems as though you just want validation that your feelings are correct about him and the dog. You are right. You owe him nothing. He owes you and at this point he will never pay you back. The dog is yours and it would be irresponsible to leave your dog with someone unable to care for it. Be strong and stay that way. This Guy will most likely never change and the only change he makes will because he wants to make it. You have your whole life ahead of you. He is the anchor around your neck. I know he's not a demon, but he is taking your kindness for granted. Take care of you and I bet the social anxiety will ease. You just feel stuck and out of control because in a sense he has control over you via co-dependence. Good luck.

[stillafool]

I don't need encouragement that leaving is the right option, though I appreciate you all confirming this. I have already made that decision.

 

Maybe I didn't emphasize this enough, but none of you have mentioned how to handle the dog situation, which, to be completely clear, is the biggest hurdle to dumping him. The second biggest hurdle, which also hasn't been discussed in responses, is not knowing where he'll go after he has to leave my apartment, as the only options I see are him staying with my friends (thus requiring me to take a break from them too) or moving 1200 miles home with his mom. I can't force him to leave the city and I can't force my friends to deny him a place to stay without bringing them in the middle of our problems. In breaking up with him, I can forego the money (not painlessly, but whatever), but should I also expect to forego my major friend group and the place where we all socialize most often? When I ask him to leave and give him a timeline, is it at all reasonable or even possible to make demands about him spending time or staying with my friends? Should I accept that he'll probably stay there and I won't actually have any break from him other than not living in the same place if I still want to see my friends?

 

I do not ask these questions because I'm looking for an excuse to stay with him. I ask because I want to mitigate the effects that this breakup will have on other aspects of my life. Like I said, he doesn't make plans. If I just give him a move out date, he'll either not prepare at all or take the easiest option of sleeping on my friends' couch. If there's another situation out there that would be better for me, I'm going to have to plan it all out for him. A worse alternative is that if I give him a move out date, he may just leave with the dog while I'm at work one day and go who knows where.

 

The bottom line is how badly do you want to rid yourself of him? You keep the dog obviously because he doesn't have a place of his own to house him. Let him move back home to his parents or whomever, he is a grown man, let him figure it out. Give him 2 weeks notice and make him get off his butt and figure it out. Secondly, if you have to sacrifice not seeing your friends for a while so be it. I can guarantee you that they aren't going to house his lazy self for long before they will kick him out too. You are not his mother let him grow up and find his own way.