elvinchild Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Hi, I just ended a four month affair with a married man. I am a single woman. At the beginning, I was naively optimistic when he told me his marriage was headed for almost certain divorce. Then I started reading about all the psychology and statistics behind it and I realized what a mess I'd gotten myself into. But the details are irrelevant. I want to know if anyone has experience "coming out" to their friends about the affair. I think it would help in the healing process, and also perhaps help me recognize the mistakes that were made along the way. Do you have any recommendations on how to begin talking about it? Is it even possible? I of course don't want the information to spread like wildfire as I think that would disrespect the married man's privacy, as he has chosen not to tell his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I am glad you have extricated yourself from a situation that was not what you wanted. I hope you move forward and find someone who will love you wholly, because we all deserve that. As for talking to others... I wouldn't. You don't want it to spread, but it will. People can't be quiet. Eventually it would get out and it would ruin your reputation. Don't worry about MM's rep, worry about you. You are out of it, you've learned from it, my advice is to move on. You don't need that judgement. Hang in there! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I of course don't want the information to spread like wildfire It will spread like wildfire and you be at the butt of a huge heaping dose of judgment. It will not help a thing except for you being able to get it off your chest. Then after that brief moment of Zen, you will be like, "Why in the hell did I ever do that!" 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 What REalist3 said! Link to post Share on other sites
nais Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I opened up on diff occasions about my situation- when your at work, or around family sometimes the questions about where's your BF come up. copped to it to some people at work- correction one very bitter person at work and my career at that location ended as soon as it had begun. This issue runs deep- I was stalked because of it, I was almost killed because of it, I lost my job (voluntarily but they pushed me out) because of it.... You spend four months and lived to live again. Is it worth it to tell friends, family, coworkers of the four months? They may react in a way that may leave permanent stains on your life that the affair never did. Your going through it + 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I just ended a four month affair with a married man. Maybe if it was a four year affair, but a four month affair? Don't. Your life is nobody's business, you don't have to explain or go into details about your private life, so unless you want to be judged by some family and friends, deal with their comments and reactions, why open that door and invite it in? The more people who know will 'talk' about it and you can't control that aspect. You say you want to respect exMM's marriage and privacy, telling people only increases the chances of his wife finding out and possibly at some point, confronting you. Let go of this part of your life, grieve the loss, learn from your mistakes and close the door on it for good. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Anne Boleyn Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I wouldn't say anything. Heck, I've had relationships that lasted 4 months I didn't bother telling friends and family about because it was a blip in life. Unless you want to cause trouble for yourself, I'd keep it to yourself and just move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I cant see any good that could come out of talking about this with anyone other than a counselor... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Waverly Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I'm actually going to disagree with the general consensus a little bit. While I agree that you don't want this spread too far, or for it to get out to everyone, I do think there is something to be said for having someone to confide in. I had a really hard time when my affair ended. (Umm, I still am, but that's a different topic.) Unlike a normal breakup, I couldn't lean on my friends and family for support, since the whole situation was, by definition, such a secret. That got to me a lot, and it made it a lot harder for me to try to get through each day. I ended up actually telling two of my friends, and I still think that it was one of the best decisions I've made in all of this. Having someone I can talk to about what I'm going through has been invaluable. I would have completely lost it on more than one occasion if I didn't have those people (one in particular) to turn to for advice, a sympathetic ear, or just someone to tell me to take a deep breath and get through it. That said: I chose who I confided in really really carefully. I didn't choose any friends who lived locally, I didn't choose anyone who knew my husband well (or at all, in one instance), and I didn't choose anyone who I felt would end up feeling burdened by the knowledge. Obviously, only you know your situation and your network of friends, but I do feel like it was really beneficial for me to not have to carry this completely by myself. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I too can see some therapeutic effect in confusing in someone and getting some input on the situation from a disinterested party. So why not confide in a counselor, clergy or even bartender? Why would you need to bring this private matter up with friends or family? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) Hi, I just ended a four month affair with a married man. I am a single woman. At the beginning, I was naively optimistic when he told me his marriage was headed for almost certain divorce. Then I started reading about all the psychology and statistics behind it and I realized what a mess I'd gotten myself into. But the details are irrelevant. I want to know if anyone has experience "coming out" to their friends about the affair. I think it would help in the healing process, and also perhaps help me recognize the mistakes that were made along the way. Do you have any recommendations on how to begin talking about it? Is it even possible? I of course don't want the information to spread like wildfire as I think that would disrespect the married man's privacy, as he has chosen not to tell his wife. What kind of friends or family are those who shove you away when you need them the most? To help pick you up when down, help you heal when hurt...or even learn from some bad moves. You made a bad decision - we all do - hell, its a whole freakin' board of bad decisions. That doesn't condemn you to anything other than being human. Making mistakes is NOT what defines us - its how we react to them that DOES. I say lean on those who can best provide you comfort. And if they shun you - **** 'em, they weren't true friends anyway. Edited March 5, 2014 by jwi71 a word 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lynn1954 Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 Hi, elvinchild: DON'T tell your family and friends. Re-read everything above from the people who voted "don't" ... I ditto what they said. Seriously, you'll get over this, and you'll be glad you didn't spill your secret. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted March 5, 2014 Share Posted March 5, 2014 I totally understand the issues around secrecy and shame. Still, I would be uber-careful in revealing this to anyone. In addition to being a pivotal and painful even in your life, it's also a hot juicy blob of gossip that many would love to share. Even those who are absolutely trustworthy may feel burdened by this knowledge. You may be judged harshly. Also, if/when word gets around that you had an A, you can expect a marked and nauseating upswing in approaches by MM who figure if you did it once, you'll do it again. A's are so different from normal r/s. Please think carefully, the oil spilled from the jar can never be put back..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Why do you think you need to "come out". What is there to tell people?? I dated a MM for 4 months now it's over? Link to post Share on other sites
PurpleCardigan Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I'm going to go against the general consensus here, too. I am single and was with a MM. I told my close friends about him and got some supportive/honest feedback and one friend didn't know what to say (admitted that) but listened. I told in varying stages, some while we were still together and some after we split. Many who I told afterwards said I should have told sooner. Ironically most were upset because I hasn't disclosed that I was with someone, so they felt a bit betrayed. It did a few things -- by taking away the secrecy it took away some of the power and while I made a mistake, I still deserve love and support. It showed me that my friends really do care about me and also brought me closer to one friend who then disclosed to me that she was a MW with a SOM. I didn't have anyone call me names or make me feel ashamed. And when it was over, I had shoulders to cry on and the support to make it through. Choose your close friends, and rely on them to be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 (edited) omg dont tell anybody, when you heal this is not something you will be proud of, you'll probably going to wish it never happened, as soon as you tell family/friends... its going to be a "forever" thing... just learn from your mistakes, make promises to yourself about your future and use this ***** pile of a 4 months to grow a better future. talk to a counsellor if you gotta get this off your chest Edited March 6, 2014 by LilGirlandOW Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I don't believe there is a need to start telling everyone about this mistake you made, since it's over. The healing will be easier when you have to hide it and be ashamed of it so it keeps you going, than when you tell everyone and they maybe try to justify you. You know what you did was wrong, learn from it, erase it from your life and go on. Link to post Share on other sites
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