Guys, what is your thought on "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

[Shooter]

Well it all depends lol.

 

If they told me this information themselves? I would assume that they were a reformed cheater.

 

If I had to find out on my own? I would assume that they were going to continue to cheat.

 

The thing about most cheaters is that they simply don't care. For whatever reason honesty, integrity, morals are not important to people like that. Some people have a code in life, others simply do whatever they feel and make excuses and bend the guidelines of morality to fit their actions after the fact.

 

You have to figure out what kind of person you are seeing.

 

And usually girls who will say stuff like "he just wasn't treating me right that is why I cheated." are going to cheat again. People who always have an excuse for why their actions were caused by someone else? Are always bad news. She'll surely cheat on you and then say "But baby you just weren't around enough, you pushed me to do it!"

 

Some people make mistakes and they grow. Others make mistakes and choose to take the easy route by blaming outside influences. The former will make a good mate. The latter should be avoided at all costs because dealing with them will drive you crazy.

[FrostBlaze]

No i don't believe in people changing, not this kind of major changes, the only people i know that cheat, still cheat. For dumb reasons like the poster above said "oh you weren't home enough or etc".

Off:

Curious about something.

What about persons that break up with you? Are they not also cheaters?

Let me exemplify what i mean.

I know a girl that does this often, she says it's not cheating since i broke up with him, she kinda does the following.

 

She is in a relationship, she is flirting with some other guy. She starts to like dude two, breaks up with first guy to be with the new one, ONLY after she is sure he will take her.

 

Then while with the new guy, she get's lonely and starts contacting her Ex and begs him to take her back. Ex refused so she keeps staying with the 2nd guy, when the EX finally accepts, she breaks up with the former xD.

 

I mean she is cheating behind your back. She just doesn't leave until she is 100% sure the other guy will have her. Then she keeps flirting with others , so i'm sure she will do it again.

[Arieswoman]

IMO it isn't the cheating that's the problem it's the lying that goes with it.

 

If someone cheats, then, by default they are a liar as well.

 

In my experience if they can lie to you, they can lie about you and to themselves as well. It all adds up to a tangled mess where you/they don't know fantasy from reality.

 

Cheating shows someone with muddled thinking and lack of boundaries who is out of touch with reality. So you need to ask yourself if you really want to be involved with someone who displays these traits?

[pickflicker]

Yes. They didn't cheat on ME. I can't judge them for past actions. Besides, cheating is relative. We're all in agreement that punching someone in the face is wrong, and in most places, a chargeable offense. In most places, cheating isn't illegal. Which makes an individual's reaction to it all that matters. There's no legal law saying it's wrong. That's the difference.

 

Never cheated, but been cheated on. Whatever. **** happens, dump 'em, move on.

Edited March 24, 2014 by pickflicker

[martaldn]

The guy I have seen on and off for the past 5 years cheated on all his GFs ( 3 ) with me and when i asked why he did it he told me because he was weak and he couldnt resist to say no to a possible chance to have sex with me.

He told me he is very bad in giving up bad habits - he felt very guilty afterwards and he always said he wanted to be faithful in this present relationship but then he always got back to have sex with me. I think serial cheaters as him aside the lack of care and the respect and integrity also miss some sort of self control. dont you think? or at least this is what I have noticed in him .

[martaldn]

IMO it isn't the cheating that's the problem it's the lying that goes with it.

 

If someone cheats, then, by default they are a liar as well.

 

In my experience if they can lie to you, they can lie about you and to themselves as well. It all adds up to a tangled mess where you/they don't know fantasy from reality.

 

absolutely true.

[mr_dave]

I just think it points to a deep flaw (we are all flawed in some way) in someone's character - I could never fully trust them with my heart.

Having been cheated on before I wouldn't take the risk.

I couldn't cheat, I get racked with guilt if I accidentally give someone the wrong directions, I couldn't ever look at myself in the mirror if I did.

[Charlie Harper]

If I did not believe people can change, learn from mistakes and grow..I would not have registered in LoveShack.... because the alternative would be a forum full or hurt people, cry babies and whiners ....

[joystickd]

As stated on title. Would you date someone who cheated on their SO before?

I'm a man so a women would tell if she cheated because as you LS women say it no woman wants to be judged for her past. Isn't that right?

[Syconort]

Regardless, I wouldn't want to be with someone who is capable of putting their SO out of their mind while they cosy up to someone else. That's pretty low, and I wouldn't be surprised if that kind of selfishness and deception trickles over into other areas of their life.

 

Inexcusable.

[Fluttershy]

No. Cheating shows poor judgment, poor self control, poor boundaries, dishonesty, and lack of respect for someone you supposedly care about. Those are not traits I would want in a partner. Although it's possible that the person has turned over a new leaf and would not cheat in the future, the risk of a relationship with someone who has shown those traits in the past would not be something I'd want to take. Past history of cheating would be a dealbreaker for me.

 

You continually amaze me on how you claim to be a Christian and yet practice the exact opposite. What if a person cheated before becoming a Christian? You would still hold that against them? Christians, who are supposed to be Christ like, are some of the harshest and most unforgiving people I know.

[Fluttershy]

As stated on title. Would you date someone who cheated on their SO before?

 

I stayed married to my H after he cheated. But in a second go around it would completely depend on if the situation and age when the cheating occured. And most importanty their view of what they did. As a seasoned BS And someoen who has done a lot of reading I know a lot of red flags. If the person said they were "sorry" but also went on about how they "didn't love their betrayed partner" or you know all those lines. Not a chance.

[joystickd]

How would a man know the woman cheated since it's not proper for a woman to talk about the past?

 

That is what you LS women say that the past is the past. Men are f**ked because we wouldn't know because they live in fear of being judged. Hell you get judged everyday of your life.

[Got it]

It depends. It is definitely a point of discussion and a red flag. Since I am details person I want to know why, what, how, what was learned, what wasn't learned, what isn't being said, what is being said, what their body language is, and what happens we discuss again, and how do they conduct themselves now.

 

I see it as I am not one to cast the first stone, but I do agree with what others have said and there is a lot that is wrapped up in cheating so I would want to deep dive it.

 

When I was dating I met a nice guy and found out he cheated twice while married, I would say a serial cheater. It was interesting talking to him, hearing his thoughts and reasons. I did deem him too high risk to date but a lovely guy and he is happily engaged. He seems to have good boundaries now and I don't think has cheated so may be one that never does it again. But based on the things he said, and what I know, I didn't necessarily see core pieces changed to feel he is truly reformed. May be, but wasn't what I was interested in dating.

 

But like others have said, I know many who haven't fully cheated but have some very fast and loose boundaries and thought processes that makes them seem to be hanging on the edge. They may never do it but there is a good bit of grey there to make it a scary gamble and a little too "I deserve" whatever.

 

So it is a nice and firm "it depends".

[KathyM]

You continually amaze me on how you claim to be a Christian and yet practice the exact opposite. What if a person cheated before becoming a Christian? You would still hold that against them? Christians, who are supposed to be Christ like, are some of the harshest and most unforgiving people I know.

Even God himself allows for divorce in the case of infidelity. Infidelity breaks the bond between the husband and wife. Christians are instructed by God to choose wisely when deciding who to marry, and to choose someone of good character. Infidelity is a serious lapse of character, lapse of judgment, lapse of self control, etc. God is not going to fault me for choosing not to marry someone who has cheated on a partner in the past. The person's past cheating is not something for me to forgive or not forgive, since it was not a sin against me, but I am certainly allowed/permitted/instructed by God to be discerning about who I would marry. Let's say a person were a reformed child molester. Am I unforgiving for deciding that is not a good risk for a relationship partner, since many/most child molesters have a lifelong pattern of attraction to children? What about someone who killed his mother because of uncontrollable rages, but later repented for it? Would it make sense, because he repented, to decide he was now a good risk for a marriage partner? No. There's nothing unChristian about being careful about who a person decides to marry. In fact, Christians are called to use good judgement and scrutiny/discernment when choosing a person to marry. It's just not a good risk to marry someone who has shown such poor judgment, poor self control, lack of caring, etc., in the past. If you feel the desire to take such a risk by marrying a former cheater, should you find yourself single at some point, feel free. Don't try to use my faith to chastise me about not wanting to take the risk on someone who has shown such poor judgment and self control in the past.

[KathyM]

You continually amaze me on how you claim to be a Christian and yet practice the exact opposite. What if a person cheated before becoming a Christian? You would still hold that against them? Christians, who are supposed to be Christ like, are some of the harshest and most unforgiving people I know.

And I'll also add that I think Drifter was right about you, that you sound more like a WS than a BS. Many of your posts find fault with those who decide to leave a cheating spouse. I doubt you would take someone else's decision to leave a cheating spouse or decision not to marry a former cheater so personally if you were really a BS.

[janedoe67]

As FWW, I think it would be essential to disclose my past to anyone who expressed a desire to get to know me. That said, I expect to remain alone, since as a Christian I would want a Christian partner, and evidently my past disqualifies me.

[Under The Radar]

Excuse me Jane, I have to interrupt here:

 

 

Kathy, does your message include medium sized Jews?

 

 

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LOL

[Fluttershy]

Even God himself allows for divorce in the case of infidelity. Infidelity breaks the bond between the husband and wife. Christians are instructed by God to choose wisely when deciding who to marry, and to choose someone of good character. Infidelity is a serious lapse of character, lapse of judgment, lapse of self control, etc. God is not going to fault me for choosing not to marry someone who has cheated on a partner in the past. The person's past cheating is not something for me to forgive or not forgive, since it was not a sin against me, but I am certainly allowed/permitted/instructed by God to be discerning about who I would marry. Let's say a person were a reformed child molester. Am I unforgiving for deciding that is not a good risk for a relationship partner, since many/most child molesters have a lifelong pattern of attraction to children? What about someone who killed his mother because of uncontrollable rages, but later repented for it? Would it make sense, because he repented, to decide he was now a good risk for a marriage partner? No. There's nothing unChristian about being careful about who a person decides to marry. In fact, Christians are called to use good judgement and scrutiny/discernment when choosing a person to marry. It's just not a good risk to marry someone who has shown such poor judgment, poor self control, lack of caring, etc., in the past. If you feel the desire to take such a risk by marrying a former cheater, should you find yourself single at some point, feel free. Don't try to use my faith to chastise me about not wanting to take the risk on someone who has shown such poor judgment and self control in the past.

 

Nice try but i wasn't talking about reconciliation was I? And it is fine for someone to personaly choose to not even look at someone twice and judge them as fudemntaly flawed for a past action. Heck you don't even make allowences for adolesant behavior. But to supposudly believe in conversion and redemption you obviously don't apply it to everyone. Once a cheater always a cheater. So all other sins are forgivable and wiped clean except infidelity. Keep casting those stones and justifying that one in your "faith". Which is why I keep a good distance from people who don't think they have to actually live by what they claim to believe. So, not wanting to keep a reformed cheater a chance. Fine, but your reasons don't seem to jive with what your faith is supposed to believe.you elieve that cheating is some special sin that one can never change inside of themselves. Nor can yor God. Or you don't really believe that people can he "transformed" by God. Or ar least when it comes to cheating.

 

That was my point.

[Fluttershy]

And I'll also add that I think Drifter was right about you, that you sound more like a WS than a BS. Many of your posts find fault with those who decide to leave a cheating spouse. I doubt you would take someone else's decision to leave a cheating spouse or decision not to marry a former cheater so personally if you were really a BS.

 

Once again, this post wasn't about leaving a cheater it was about dating someone who cheated on someone else. And just because I have my own beliefs ad call others out on their hypocritical ones doesn't mean its personal. So attack me by saying I must be a WS simpy because I don't want to string all WS up by their toes or publicaly flog them in the street or sign them off as lost causes.

 

I personally believe in redemption from wthin. And cchange and want to help those that want to change towards that instrad of sayif "your screwed up, there is no hope for yoi." if being compassionate, forgiving, and not wanting to condemn people to hell makes me a cheater then all I guess I have left to do is, cheat.

[janedoe67]

Fluttershy, it has been my experience that those who do not truly believe they need grace are not typically willing to show grace to others. I grew up with a church full of people who thought Jesus should be glad to have such fine people as they on His roster. In fact, I used to be one of them. I was the Pharisee on one side of the temple instead of the tax collector on the other (Luke 18)

[Better]

Technically, I am a cheater. I never had the intention to be a cheater, and didn't even know I was a cheater when I was cheating.

 

I dated a woman for a while that was married. She told me that she was divorced and I knew she lived on her own. For many months, we were back and forth at each others' homes and I had absolutely no reason to believe that she wasn't completely single. As it turns out, she was married to a man who lived in another country. She had no intention of seeking a divorce and in fact was just working her way through school until she could return back to him and her daughter, who she also never mentioned. Imagine my surprise.

 

As soon as I found out the truth, I broke off the relationship. No thank you.

 

There are many shades of gray, so the whole "once a cheater, always a cheater" has to be interpreted on a case by case basis. I'm actually much more conscious about it now and would never intentionally cheat. Even in my very long miserable sexless marriage, I didn't cheat.

[white_bass87]

apparently I did and don't know what to think

[krooton25]

My ex when he was trying to pursue me that he had more than 10 girlfriends in the past! He said he even dated two people at the same time thats why he doesn't use social media that often. LOL. Okay, then he swore that HE WOULD NEVER DO IT TO ME BECAUSE IM DIFFERENT, AND HE HAS NEVER BEEN SURE WITH ANYONE ELSE BUT ME" He even said, he felt so much rush of passion in me that he NEVER felt this with anyone before. BS. after a year and half, he cheated, lied and eventually left me for an ex girlfriend (I caught them he did not admit it to me). Haha. He said...sorry people change I'm not the one for you all of a sudden.

[mangetout]

Yeah cheaters say the same script