emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Slight problem... My girlfriend/eventual-fiance is currently in college. I am out of college and now working full-time. Our relationship is perfect... despite the distance (80 miles,) slight age difference, and occupation difference we are both absolutely happy and planning on taking the dive in a couple of years. The problem is this: She has had problems in the past with drinking/drugs and being taken advantage of. Now while she is not now or ever has been nterested in going to frat or sorority parties (for those reasons,) she does want to go to the parties held by her team (swimming.) These parties consist of only the team and aren't crazy like most parties. But she would like to celebrate with them after winning meets, making nationals, etc... I too have had a problem in the past with drinking/drugs. But I've been clean and clear for about 3 years now. I am also now out of college and working... a completely different world from college. I don't "go out with the guys," check other women out... out of respect for my gf and because of how I feel. She is far more important than any of what typifies a post-college professional. Where my problem lies is in that she is inherently flirtatious, just as I am. She gets very affectionate when drunk. She had a dream about cheating on me with a teammate (there is a long explantion as to why it occurred, and I'm actually perfectly fine with it,) and she mentions that she finds several of her male teammates attractive. I know she trusts her team, and that they do really take care of each other and watch out for each other (when going out and the few that go to other parties... tight-knit group.) She is turning 21 soon, and plans on going out with her teammates to the clubs and bars. By her own admission, she trusts too easily. I on the otherhand, inherently do not trust others until given a reason to. The base problem is this: Going out, drinking, and spending time with her teammates/friends is her right. I have a jealousy, fear, evidently a lack of trust about the whole situation. Yet I think I'm wrong in this. I'd have no problem with any of it if I was there... but I'm highly over-protective given her history. We have talked about this several times and she gets very upset that I can't just be okay with this. I feel terrible for causing her so much stress. I just don't how to change the fact that I have no desire to do those types of things with out her around to share in them. Even before dating, I liked sharing things with her. Parties, "dates", day trips... It's just hard to keep site of the fact that she's at slightly different point than me. Any advice on how to cope better than what I have been? I just hate the fact that I'm the reason for her tears over this. Any advice would be appreciated. The Scottish EmoPunk Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by emopunk It's just hard to keep site of the fact that she's at slightly different point than me. Well I think that's the root problem right there. You said there's an age difference so you're, what.., mid-twenties? late twenties? It's not unreasonable for her to want to do those things, but I also don't think it's unreasonable for you to be concerned. It sounds like you're taking this relationship more seriously than she is. Without being accusatory or picking a fight, just make it clear to her that her going out like that without you would bother you. If she won't compromise to make you feel more comfortable in the relationship then your only options are to either deal with it, or leave her. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 My closest male friend dealt with this issue with his LTR. THey actually split recently, so the result was unpleasant. In the end, they really were at very different points in their lives. She turned 21 about a year ago and started partying and drinking and he was continually hurt by all the things she was doing....she kept saying, oh "I black out when I drink" - as if that was an excuse (if you black out when you drink, then don't drink!!!!) I'm not saying this will happen to you. But she's going to do what she wants, esp. at that age, regardless of what you want her to do, and trying to force her into a mold or make her do something/not make her do something is so.....fatherish. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 This is a good way to build trust and personal responsibilty, on both parts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Something Tanbark said... I'm not sure if I am taking it more seriously than she is. She's the one who brought up dating, and then committment. It was one of those really close friends for years/scared to lose a friendship things. So no, I can assure you she is taking it very seriously. In fact, in one our conversations about this, she mentioned that she would be willing to do absolutely anything if I asked. And that that included not going to the parties or hanging out with her friends. But I can't ask her to do that. It may only be 80 miles, but its 80 very dangerous miles (snow,ice,whiteouts... we have bad winters.) Which is why this has only come up now, because I can't get up to see her as much as in the fall. She feels like since she cant see me, hanging out with team would help her get through these times. I'll also add that she said that same thing about going to the bars... none of it is worth losing me for. As I said, I can't ask her to not to do any of those things... I've told her how I feel. And that she can do what she wants... she feels guilty for still wanting to do those things, even knowing how I feel. If I made a real issue of it, she wouldn't. But as a loving boyfriend who knows what its like, I can't tell her,. "Don't." Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by emopunk But as a loving boyfriend who knows what its like, I can't tell her,. "Don't." I admire you on that point. But then I have to ask, why are you posting here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Heh, I was just wondering if anyone had any idea's on how to better deal with it mentally... The journey was never in question, just how to deal with it en route to the final destination. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Alcohol, my brother. Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I dont know whether I am getting this but hadnt you written, that she got upset that you couldnt be just okay with her going to those parties? You posted this: "We have talked about this several times and she gets very upset that I can't just be okay with this" From this sentence I actually have a feeling that she WANTS you to try to stop her from going there. I mean some girls are like that, I am a little bit as well. Some girls feel that jealousy is a prove of love. She knows you are not absolutely ok with her going there, but unfortunately for it seems to me like she desires your jealousy to be proven "adecquately". Even she told you that she would stop going to parties if you asked her to. That absolutely seems to me exactly what I say sometimes to my boyfriend to get some reaction. If she was really interested so much in parties and if she wouldnt want you to control her in any way, she would NEVER suggest that she would stop going to parties if you asked her to. She wants you to say the word "Dont" and it doesnt mean that she is really going to stop going there. She just wants to HEAR the word, it would make her feel good that you care. I might be wrong in this, dont know all the details but it really seems like experienced lack of attention from previous boyfriends and now jealousy is a prove of love to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Ah yes, sweet oblivion... I remember that. Think I went too far with it before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Confused, you bring up a good point. She has said that she likes seeing me get jealous... exactly because it shows that I really care about her. None of her exes did. I get very territorial when she's being flirted with. And she has said she loves it. Never really made sense to me until you said that. Thing is... she wont go to frat parties or the like because I did say "Don't." The difference here is that these are her friends, and she feels ostracized because she doesn't go. They've had a few parties throughout the year. And she only wants to go this one because its to celebrate the end of the season. But it's my inherent distrust of people and what has happened to her before. I get a little crazy when someone hurts the woman I love. I don't want to keep her from doing something she enjoys, but I fear history repeating(with something happening to her.) Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I'm sorry but liking to make your significant other jealous seems a little twisted to me. On edit - I can understand why you are protective. I was raped when I was younger, and some of my partners since then have had issues about it that include being very protective. But ya know at some point, she's going to have to be a grown up and take care of herself. I wasn't forced to until AFTER I divorced my exhusband, and it was a rude awakening. You can be babied forever. Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I understand, she wants to go to this party for good, genuine reason, cos she wants to maintain good relations with her mates, but she probably still wants to see you freakin out about it You are showing her sufficiently that you have fear about her going there, but it seems like she wants emotional reaction, if you know what I mean. She probably feels like "he must starts freaking out if he really cares about me". You are not in a good situation, my friend, either way you cant win You are probably trying hard not to lose control and start yelling at her and getting REALLY SERIOUSLY jealous (because as you are taught from your previous relationships - girls generally dont like jealousy scenes provided by their boyfriends), but on the other side by not being jealous adecquately you screw up as well, because she is going to feel neglected and she is going to be giving you reasons to be jealous. You mentioned she said she likes you getting jealous over her flirtatious behaviour and therefore she loves it and does it. Of course, it makes sense - she flirts, you get upset, she likes the reaction and like a little child wants more, therefore she flirts again to see how you react again. You can either try to satisfy her desire for having "italian relationship" full of jealousy feelings, if you gonna be giving her regular signs that you are jealous, you will keep her satisfy, but then the relationship will definitely be fullfilling for both of you. She is obviously an attention-seeker and thats maybe the main issue that she has. She feels insecure about herself and therefore she feels really good amongst friends, it makes her feel wanted, and also if you are jealous of her, that makes her wanted also. She must understand that love can be proven better by other things than jealousy, if you want to make her feel really happy, try to be more attentive in a positive way, romantic etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by very-confused-girl She is obviously an attention-seeker and thats maybe the main issue that she has. She feels insecure about herself and therefore she feels really good amongst friends, it makes her feel wanted, and also if you are jealous of her, that makes her wanted also. She must understand that love can be proven better by other things than jealousy, if you want to make her feel really happy, try to be more attentive in a positive way, romantic etc. She was pretty much neglected by her parents growing up, overlooked by friends, mistreated and neglected by exes, so yeah... she likes attention. As for the romance, well... she gets teary because she feels she doesn't do as much for me as I do for her; romantic dinners, ballets, musicals, cards for no reason, flowers.com, little gifts that I think she might like, I do paintings and sketches for her... Think I got that part covered. Link to post Share on other sites
very-confused-girl Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Great! so now work on other part to get rid of I can tell you if she likes you being jealous, you are not going to change her mind very easily. I can see it on myself, I am finding myself constantly being happy when my bf proves jealousy since it makes me feel wanted. Giving her flowers and doing all this romantic stuff makes her feel wanted in a very pleasant way, but when you get jealous, it satisfies her in a slightly different strange way. If you show her that you are jealous of her, you are showing her besides other things as well "your dependence on her". She probably wants to see that you are very devoted to her. She probably has fear from being neglected and left therefore she is trying to keep you "on toes". I am trying to explain to you her behavior but I am not actually giving you any advice how to help you Maybe some counseling would be beneficial Link to post Share on other sites
Author emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Counseling for the counselor... interesting thought. Seriously though, I was just looking for some ideas about how to handle it better than I have so far. Think I got some good ideas today. Besides, as a former counselor/therepist... never discount advice from any source. It might be useful. As this all has been. So thanks to everyone who replied!... and to those who probably will continue to reply. lol Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 My bf and I used to play a few little games like those too. I'm a foreigner, so I have to work extra hard to integrate myself here, have friends, etc. On the other hand, him also has a lot of friens he wants to see, mostly guys, so dragging the gf ever.ywhere isn't really an option. Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, I like flirting, I like the attention and I hate being alone. Hence he is encouraging me to go. IT's the best feeling ever. He plays jealous afterwards, but he is genuinly happy I had a good time. Because he trusts me. We live 2 hours apart so we get to see eachother during the weekend, mostely. Back to your problem: I am sure that if you looked her in the eyes and told her truthfully that you have faith in her and you trust her and you want her to go out and have a good time, she'd immediately change. Because it would be on her. Honestely, you cannot postpone the innevitable. At one poit, whether she tells you or not, she will go to one of these parties. And she will be drinking. But... But. Her drinking does not excuse her for her acts. She's 21, responsable for her own acts. If she tells you "I am all lovey dovey when I get runk, so I'm afraid", to me this is her preparing you for an eventual affair. So chose not to play her game. Let her. Let her go. LEt her have a good time. She will anyway. But do not excuse her. 21 is not 16!!! She doesn't hold alcohol well? Well, then she should stop after one beer. It is all about her. Play fair. IMHO, it's best she shows her true colors now and not in 2 years from now. Have the courage to face it. I hope it turns out perfectly for you. Curly Link to post Share on other sites
Author emopunk Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 Counseling for the counselor... interesting thought. Seriously though, I was just looking for some ideas about how to handle it better than I have so far. Think I got some good ideas today. Besides, as a former counselor/therepist... never discount advice from any source. It might be useful. As this all has been. So thanks to everyone who replied!... and to those who probably will continue to reply. lol Link to post Share on other sites
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