Ex Calling The Kids On My Time ?

[george roy]

Hi everyone,

 

Short version, divorce. STBXW had an affair.

 

Which is only worth mentioning because all her free time has been dedicated to that. She hardly spent any time with the kids. I could count the numbers of hours per week she spent with them on my hands, and still have fingers left over.

 

STBXW finally moved out this past weekend. And is scheduled to have the kids this coming weekend.

 

The oldest has a cel phone. And we've both agreed that if any of the kids want to call either of us, then it wouldn't be a problem.

 

As much as I will miss the kids when they are with her, I have no intention of calling to disrupt that time.

 

But today was the third time in as many days she's called to talk to the kids.

 

On MY time.

 

Is this normal ?

 

I guess I'd be ok with a once in a while thing, but I also don't want things to get carried away, either.

 

Any input, suggestions, or advice is greatly appreciated...

[M30USA]

It all comes down to the phrase "reasonable use of telephone" in most custody orders. Good luck getting a judge to pin this one down without thousands of dollars wasted. Sometimes you're just better off accepting who your wife is and, as overbearing as it may be, you're only gonna be unhappier if you try to change it. In my case, I actually get the grandma (MIL) calling sometimes in place of my ex when she can't talk. Total joke but the court order includes "relatives" when it says "reasonable use of telephone" so I'm just gonna pick my battles.

[harrybrown]

Call your kids every 30 minutes on "her time" with the kids.

[M30USA]

Call your kids every 30 minutes on "her time" with the kids.

 

Nah, I disagree for 2 reasons:

 

1) If she's the vindictive type, she's even better than you are at "getting back" and it's a guaranteed ticket to misery.

 

2) If you do this, you'll be exactly like her. Why participate in a behavior which you clearly hate?

[cozycottagelg]

If I was getting divorced, for any reason, I'd feel entitled to call my children as much as I need. Obviously if she is keeping them on the phone just to anger you, that is unacceptable, but she is allowed to call, in my opinion.

 

I actually think parents SHOULD call when they don't have their kids. Not to the point of excess, but at least nightly before bed. I don't know..I would.

[d0nnivain]

You're understandably pi$$ed at her for the affair.

 

However, these are her children too. She carried them & she loves them even if you can't see that.

 

If you b1tch & moan about her calling them or you retaliate as suggested by another poster, you come across as unstable. Be the bigger man. Show your children what maturity looks like. Do not disparage their mother in front of them. They will love you all the more for it in the end. To do anything else puts them in a game of tug-o-war & they are the rope.

[Chi townD]

The problem probably is that when she was active in her affair, she didn't worry about the kids because she knew that she had access to them anytime SHE wanted. Well, now you're divorce and the thought of only being a part time mom just hit her. She's realizing that she can't see them anytime she wants and she's feeling guilty because she might think that the kids are resenting her for the way things are right now.

 

 

So, in some weird way, she's trying to show them that she's still active in there lives.

[jaymz]

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

 

3 years ago when I went through what you are going through, I would call my kids twice a week (unless I had them on that particular day), my STBXW would call them every single day when I had them - I never refused her to talk to them unless it was impractical (ie: bath, asleep, in car).

 

Now, I call my kids twice a week (unless i had them on that particular day), my STBXW never calls them when I have them.

 

Its a novelty now, some reasons given by previous posters to this thread, but time will tell if she will keep it up to the same level.

[ASG]

I don't have kids of my own, but when my parents divorced, I spoke to my dad every day on the phone, if I didn't see him, and on weekends with my dad, I would also speak to my mom.

 

They are her kids. And by the sounds of it, you have custody and she gets weekends. Is that right? If so, it makes sense she'd want to call them when they're with you, since it could be over a week before she's with them again.

Again, correct me if Im wrong on the timings.

Would you rather her not make the effort?

 

Sure, it might be a ploy to annoy you. But I think you need to get past that and think of your kids. What's better for them? To have a mom that calls them or one that doesn't care?

[StumpyNB]

Its part of the judges orders in my divorce that we HAVE to allow the other phone contact with the children at least once per day. (and boy am I glad too, because she would make sure I didn't get a chance).

 

I would also encourage you to make sure you talk to them every day. Its more important to them than it is to you.

[stillafool]

When she calls what does she want?

[Raena]

I personally think that you shouldn't begrudge her the right to call and talk to her children anytime she wants.

 

The affair and the break up was about you two, but her relationship with her children is just as important as your relationship with them is. It's separate from your relationship with her.

 

I wish my son's father would call him every day. He needs that connection to him. It isn't about me or him, it's about what's best for the children.

[M30USA]

Another issue is that a call isn't always a call. My ex is highly gifted at making sure my kids are enveloped in a movie, game, or other attention-robbing activity. I frequently get several moments of silence from my kids, followed by a "what?" And my kids are too young to realize what's happening. I try to address the issue tactfully with ex, but she denies it. Her world is best summed up by Bart Simpson's line: "I didn't do it, nobody saw me, can't prove anything!"

[CarrieT]

My husband has it spelled out in his divorce agreement that each parent only gets to phone their children for 30 minutes on Sunday evenings and Wednesday evenings during the others' weeks (they switch over every other week).

 

Emergencies are, of course, exempted.