Women changing their minds/Overthinking

[Easyguy14]

I'm beginning to see a pattern with this happening a lot with them and I'm so curious as to why they're always overthinking stuff and can never make up their minds about almost anything? This really disturbs me especially when it continues far into adulthood. I've already had several cases with this and its sincerely mindboggling. These are very recent not counting so many over the years. I know people have the right to change their minds, but men tend to stand their ground more unless something really drastic happens but with a woman, they flip back and forth for no real reasons at all. When I mentioned this to said woman I was talking to, she blew up at me and started looking for flaws about men to attack me on.

[maestrok]

Depends on the issue, depends on the types of people you are meeting.

[soccerrprp]

...looking for flaws about men to attack me on.

 

This tells you everything. Women are suspicious of men and their motives. Far often than not, it's the guy who uses the girl for sex and runs.

[somedude81]

It's called rumination.

 

: to think carefully and deeply about something

 

Rumination was actually covered in my Human Organizational Behavior business class.

 

Here are the notes from my textbook

 

Rumination: Reflecting at length. In terms of decision making it means over-thinking problems. Women in general are more likely than men to engage in rumination.

 

My ex-girlfriend did the exact same thing, and it was actually something she did that led to her dumping me.

[soccerrprp]

I know people have the right to change their minds, but men tend to stand their ground more unless something really drastic happens

 

...men are more stubborn, brash? Men are also known to be more impetuous and less emotional. Qualities that can be good AND bad. But I get what you're saying.

 

...but with a woman, they flip back and forth for no real reasons at all.

 

You have no idea if these women have "no" reasons for feeling the way they do. They may easily have been victims of infidelity, dumped after sex, abuse, etc.

[GoreSP]

I'm beginning to see a pattern with this happening a lot with them and I'm so curious as to why they're always overthinking stuff and can never make up their minds about almost anything? This really disturbs me especially when it continues far into adulthood. I've already had several cases with this and its sincerely mindboggling. These are very recent not counting so many over the years. I know people have the right to change their minds, but men tend to stand their ground more unless something really drastic happens but with a woman, they flip back and forth for no real reasons at all. When I mentioned this to said woman I was talking to, she blew up at me and started looking for flaws about men to attack me on.

 

well you know what they say : what goes around comes around.

[xxoo]

Why do you consider it a flaw for a person to approach decision making differently from you? There are advantages to each way.

[Easyguy14]

It's called rumination.

 

: to think carefully and deeply about something

 

Rumination was actually covered in my Human Organizational Behavior business class.

 

Here are the notes from my textbook

 

Rumination: Reflecting at length. In terms of decision making it means over-thinking problems. Women in general are more likely than men to engage in rumination.

 

My ex-girlfriend did the exact same thing, and it was actually something she did that led to her dumping me.

 

 

This is what I mean and this is wrong! Its like said women look for flaws in a man and when they think they found one they bail on him. But yet they don't bail as quickly when a guy is an abusive jerk or sleazy lowlife, they rather make excuses just to stay with him in hopes that he changes. This is why they can never be happy because they're overthinking things that most of the time isn't there.

[xxoo]

This is what I mean and this is wrong! Its like said women look for flaws in a man and when they think they found one they bail on him. But yet they don't bail as quickly when a guy is an abusive jerk or sleazy lowlife, they rather make excuses just to stay with him in hopes that he changes. This is why they can never be happy because they're overthinking things that most of the time isn't there.

 

Probably they aren't feeling strong desire to be in the relationship, and the overthinking is partly trying to convince themselves to be satisfied in it.

[preraph]

I think sometimes what men take for "changing their mind" as it relates to dating is actually women trying not to hurt a guy's feelings who isn't interested in them as much as they are her -- or at all. A lot of women really have a hard time being straight about it, fearing all these delicate men will have paroxysms if they are rejected. They need to learn to say no.

[Easyguy14]

Probably they aren't feeling strong desire to be in the relationship, and the overthinking is partly trying to convince themselves to be satisfied in it.

 

 

This isn't all about dating and relationships. Its normal every day stuff.

[somedude81]

This is what I mean and this is wrong! Its like said women look for flaws in a man and when they think they found one they bail on him. But yet they don't bail as quickly when a guy is an abusive jerk or sleazy lowlife, they rather make excuses just to stay with him in hopes that he changes. This is why they can never be happy because they're overthinking things that most of the time isn't there.

Yeah, it's almost like they have to keep second guessing themselves. The worst part is that if there is a problem, they keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it, all they while they never talk to you about it and pretend that everything is fine.

Probably they aren't feeling strong desire to be in the relationship, and the overthinking is partly trying to convince themselves to be satisfied in it.

I don't think that's it at all. IMO the over-thinking is actually fault finding. Something might feel off or maybe not at all, but they just think and try to analyze everything, and then finally they find something wrong and convince themselves that they should end the relationship.

[RedRobin]

If you don't like women who are indecisive, then just date women who are more assertive. Problem solved.

[Canucklehead]

Sorry dude but you are not going to have much success communicating with women about this issue until you understand that the gender differences are not right or wrong..... simply different and thank god for that!

 

Communication and acceptance is key for any positive relationship that I can think of.....

[JourneyLady]

If you're really looking for answers, it would help if you could render up some specific circumstances... I can give you two right off the bat where it appeared I changed my mind...

 

The first was the guy who met me once, chatted me up a couple days and then backed off the communication to the point where it appeared he was doing the fade. I had sent him three messages and was the last person to respond in chat. I didn't hear from him except for a short condolence message, no hugs or anything. Up to that point I had thought he was really into me, but now it appeared he wasn't. I wasn't about to be "back burner girl" so I told him I was moving on. I didn't give the full reason why, just pointed out that the behavior was disappointing. I still like the guy, but what I was getting from his lack of communication was that he just wasn't that excited about dating me. So I bailed.

 

The second instance happened just tonight. I started texting with a guy off an online dating site - he was cute and LDS so I thought "why not". We start talking and the first thing he does is ask for a photo (other than the dating site one - I hadn't been on that site long). Alarm bells started to go off, but what the heck. So I send a face photo. He asks for another photo and sends me one with his shirt off. I smell a perv.... I get a message where he's asking for a photo of me in shorts. Nope. Not going there. Turned the phone off, erased his messages. Meh.

 

In both instances, it was their behavior that made me change my mind about them and nothing else. (In the first instance, I keep hoping he'll come back and treat me as more than a bored boy toy, but it's not likely...

[somedude81]

I just had a little thought about what the rumination process could have been like for my then girlfriend.

 

This is all in her mind:

 

Somedude81 is such a nice and sweet guy. He has all these great qualities. I really like him and he really likes me. We've been dating for six months, but I'm not sure I'm in love him yet. Am I in love with somedude81? Why am I not in love with somedude81? We've been together for six months but I'm not in love yet so something may be wrong with the relationship. I should be in love at 6 months. Is something wrong with the relationship? Something is wrong with the relationship it has to be, or else I'd be in love. Something is wrong and I must be unhappy. Am I unhappy, I don't know. I guess I'm unhappy because something is wrong. Maybe I should break up with him because I'm not in love and unhappy. I'm going to break up with somedude81.

[carhill]

OP, another way to look at this is that, to them, you're *under-thinking* the issue and being inflexible. What is a mind if not to change! No 'reasons' are required. Try it!

[Easyguy14]

Yeah, it's almost like they have to keep second guessing themselves. The worst part is that if there is a problem, they keep thinking and thinking and thinking about it, all they while they never talk to you about it and pretend that everything is fine.

 

 

I fully and wholly agree with this statement here and this could only come from someone that's been there and done that. Women refuse to sit down and communicate what could be going wrong in a relationship or if they're dating a guy and something doesn't feel right or whatever. But instead its like they find it easier to just bail without saying anything at all. We know it happens to women from men too but the circumstances are usually always the same where a guy gets sex a little too easily or the woman is playing too hard to get where he bails. For said women there seems to be no rhyme or reason for their actions in most cases anyway.

[Easyguy14]

If you're really looking for answers, it would help if you could render up some specific circumstances... I can give you two right off the bat where it appeared I changed my mind...

 

The first was the guy who met me once, chatted me up a couple days and then backed off the communication to the point where it appeared he was doing the fade. I had sent him three messages and was the last person to respond in chat. I didn't hear from him except for a short condolence message, no hugs or anything. Up to that point I had thought he was really into me, but now it appeared he wasn't. I wasn't about to be "back burner girl" so I told him I was moving on. I didn't give the full reason why, just pointed out that the behavior was disappointing. I still like the guy, but what I was getting from his lack of communication was that he just wasn't that excited about dating me. So I bailed.

 

The second instance happened just tonight. I started texting with a guy off an online dating site - he was cute and LDS so I thought "why not". We start talking and the first thing he does is ask for a photo (other than the dating site one - I hadn't been on that site long). Alarm bells started to go off, but what the heck. So I send a face photo. He asks for another photo and sends me one with his shirt off. I smell a perv.

 

 

Yea okay after he's asking to see you in shorts is alarming but when said guy asked to see a photo of you on the phone was not alarming because it could've been a fake picture of you on the dating site and this was his way to filter that out. Nothing wrong with that so I think you overthought this situation a little bit. Please try not to jump to conclusions on that so early without asking questions first. Things could be better in the long run.

[JourneyLady]

Yea okay after he's asking to see you in shorts is alarming but when said guy asked to see a photo of you on the phone was not alarming because it could've been a fake picture of you on the dating site and this was his way to filter that out. Nothing wrong with that so I think you overthought this situation a little bit. Please try not to jump to conclusions on that so early without asking questions first. Things could be better in the long run.

 

Don't assume I jumped to conclusions... I HAD sent him a previous photo of my face on the phone before he asked for the shorts picture. I had also sent by email a full length photo of me in a gown... In addition, having my google email address he had access to my full profile (with photos) on there as well..

 

Kindly do not fill in what you think my attitude was just because I didn't fill in each and every detail on the story.

Interesting that you just did what you accuse me of.

[JourneyLady]

I fully and wholly agree with this statement here and this could only come from someone that's been there and done that. Women refuse to sit down and communicate what could be going wrong in a relationship or if they're dating a guy and something doesn't feel right or whatever. But instead its like they find it easier to just bail without saying anything at all. We know it happens to women from men too but the circumstances are usually always the same where a guy gets sex a little too easily or the woman is playing too hard to get where he bails. For said women there seems to be no rhyme or reason for their actions in most cases anyway.

 

There's no point in giving guys reasons. You give them your reasons and you either get called needy or they make it out to be your fault somehow. Anyway, I usually make my difficulties known long before I bail. The last time I asked him why he disappeared after our chat. He said it was a misunderstanding and that next time we talked, he'd explain. It sure didn't look as if that was going to be any time within the next three weeks, so I gave him my reason (not enough communication) and bailed.

 

In return I got the snarly "I have a life" response. (Implying that I don't, which was insulting.)

[Got it]

Studies have found that humans have three styles that make up their personality assessment, thinking style, motivation style and behavioral style. Behavioral is what you see (the tip of the iceberg for example) and the thinking and motivation are under the surface. The strongest is thinking style, then behavioral and then motivation.

 

So for some, thinking style for some will exhibit this trait more, for others the opposite.

 

At no time has research shown that any of it is gender driven.

[Easyguy14]

Don't assume I jumped to conclusions... I HAD sent him a previous photo of my face on the phone before he asked for the shorts picture. I had also sent by email a full length photo of me in a gown... In addition, having my google email address he had access to my full profile (with photos) on there as well..

 

Kindly do not fill in what you think my attitude was just because I didn't fill in each and every detail on the story.

Interesting that you just did what you accuse me of.

 

I have no idea why you're being defensive. I said TRY not to jump to any conclusions on these matters. I didn't say you did. And we can only go by what you put into this account. We cannot add extra stuff that isn't there so we as a group draw our own conclusions from what's given.

[D.Mc.]

Hi OP, the main difference I see in the way men/women think differently can be summed up in this example: If my roof caves in, I'll be very upset & call up my female friends, who will be just as upset as I am & try to comfort me emotionally, only after I'm settled down will the conversation get around to what to ACTUALLY DO about the huge hole in the ceiling. If a man's roof caves in, he'll call up a roofer or get on a ladder & try to fix it himself, never bothering to address any EMOTIONS he's having about the disaster. The woman will process her feelings & a month later be o.k, the man won't process anything & a month later, shoot up the Home Depot because they sold him bad shingles for his roof. What you call overthinking can help many of us make the best decisions for ourselves, instead of just taking action & regretting it later. IMHO :-)

[Got it]

Hi OP, the main difference I see in the way men/women think differently can be summed up in this example: If my roof caves in, I'll be very upset & call up my female friends, who will be just as upset as I am & try to comfort me emotionally, only after I'm settled down will the conversation get around to what to ACTUALLY DO about the huge hole in the ceiling. If a man's roof caves in, he'll call up a roofer or get on a ladder & try to fix it himself, never bothering to address any EMOTIONS he's having about the disaster. The woman will process her feelings & a month later be o.k, the man won't process anything & a month later, shoot up the Home Depot because they sold him bad shingles for his roof. What you call overthinking can help many of us make the best decisions for ourselves, instead of just taking action & regretting it later. IMHO :-)

 

This may be true for you, please do not assign this to all women or men.

 

If a hole suddenly appears in my roof I will first check that all human and four legged creatures are okay and then I will start calling someone to fix it.

 

Being mired down in emotion and paralyzed because of it and so limited the ability to act not only will not allow one to live in a Darwinian world, it is a waste of time. I am quite adapt at acting as well as recognizing the emotions tied to the issue and handling them at the appropriate time.

 

I am female but I am also very solution driven focused. Unless my friend can help me the hell is the point of calling someone just to gripe about an issue that is still in the process and not having taken any steps to rectify it?