Entitlement of an abusive ex?

[amaysngrace]

My daughter goes for counseling and yesterday her counselor was asking about her family dynamic.

 

It got mentioned that her dad texts me often and it's usually sexual. Her counselor asked how she found out about it and my daughter told her that once when I was driving I asked her to read my text to me.

 

Her counselor said that it's common for abusers to feel entitled. I always wondered why he'd act like such a tool and I guess now I know why.

 

Anybody else ever hear of that?

[Tayla]

Keep your daughter in therepy. If mom is a free thinker and considers having such memos read aloud, then the daughter will need to decipher what kind of role model her mom is. Have a line drawn. So long as this style of messaging is kept private, its best to review it in private. That must have been awkward for the daughter.

[amaysngrace]

Keep your daughter in therepy. If mom is a free thinker and considers having such memos read aloud, then the daughter will need to decipher what kind of role model her mom is. Have a line drawn. So long as this style of messaging is kept private, its best to review it in private. That must have been awkward for the daughter.

 

I didn't know who sent me the text when I asked her to read it. I thought it was probably one of her brothers because that's who it usually is. She texts for me a lot when I drive because if I left it up to Siri it sometimes doesn't come out the right way.

 

And yes. It was very awkward for my daughter. She let him know I was driving and texted him something crafty on her own.

 

And I'm a very strong role model for my daughter, thanks.

Edited March 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[M30USA]

I didn't know who sent me the text when I asked her to read it. I thought it was probably one of her brothers because that's who it usually is. She texts for me a lot when I drive because if I left it up to Siri it sometimes doesn't come out the right way.

 

And yes. It was very awkward for my daughter. She let him know I was driving and texted him something crafty on her own.

 

And I'm a very strong role model for my daughter, thanks.

 

 

 

So how is the dad entitled or abusive?

Edited March 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[amaysngrace]

So how is the dad entitled or abusive?

 

He thinks he's entitled to sext me even though we're divorced and have been for a really long time.

 

And he's abusive because he use to beat the crap out of me.

Edited March 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JourneyLady]

heh. Yeah I see what you mean. I think people come in with short attention spans sometimes...

 

Anyway, I don't truly have an answer as to whether it's common. My experience is that it is the sense of entitlement that leads people to abuse others in the first place. So I'd *imagine* the answer would be yes.

 

I know for sure the ex-bf who abused me always seemed to waft back and forth between feeling entitled (during the abuse) and feeling worthless (during the withdrawal periods). However he was more careful during breakups (once he wanted back in) to -insinuate- himself back into my life by showing up where he knew I would be if I wasn't contacting him. Or finding an excuse to come pick up something or other left behind...

 

PS. I think the posters above fastened on the word "dad" rather than seeing it is your "ex-husband". Between that and the daughter getting the counseling, I think they overlooked the full meaning....

 

I read it as "daughter reads text message out loud to mom with neither knowing who it is from > turns out to be sext message from mom's ex-husband who seems to feel it's okay to send this unwanted attention to mom. Counselor apprises situation as being that of an abuser feeling still entitled to ex-wife's attention."

Edited March 6, 2014 by JourneyLady

[gaius]

My daughter goes for counseling and yesterday her counselor was asking about her family dynamic.

 

It got mentioned that her dad texts me often and it's usually sexual. Her counselor asked how she found out about it and my daughter told her that once when I was driving I asked her to read my text to me.

 

Her counselor said that it's common for abusers to feel entitled. I always wondered why he'd act like such a tool and I guess now I know why.

 

Anybody else ever hear of that?

He probably thinks you enjoy it and he's doing you a favor more than feeling entitled. I used to do that to one of my ex's but stopped when she stopped replying all together. How could she not enjoy my sexual attention?

[amaysngrace]

Thank you Journey Lady!

 

I think you're right in that it's the entitlement attitude that contributed to him being abusive in the first place.

 

My exH was the same as your exBF in that he'd go from being entitled to being withdrawn.

 

Two more years, four months, and nine days....that's all I need to put up with him for and play nice. Then my daughter turns 18!!

[ThatMan]

I do not understand your reasoning at all. Maybe I've missed something but wouldn't entitled be the assumption that everybody revolves around you and shame on them if they're unfamiliar with your story?

 

There's many ways that people act entitled. I know from experience how important it is to feel entitled to personal considerations and thereby look after yourself. It takes time to stumble out of the FOG once an abusive relationships have ended but I have complete faith that you'll get there.

 

I completely agree with Tayla and hope that her message isn't completely dismissed.

The only implications I'm trying to suggest that the daughter may need to sort through things on her own as would any human being. It would probably be a good idea to keep those messages intended for you to be private. There's a huge initiative these days with It Can Wait. You do not need to read your text messages while on the road. You also do not need to make your daughter read them to you. Your ex seems to have this certain power over you if you feel compelled to immediately stop everything you're doing just to immediately catch up with him like this. Maybe it's time to end this hold he has? It might also be a good idea, depending entirely on her age, to respect that your daughter's therapy should be a private matter between herself and her therapist.

 

But I still do not understand the situation and I'm not asking you to repeat yourself. What I do have are a few questions that might be worth considering...

How should you react to people who feel entitled?

What sort of behaviors did your Ex have? Are they recognizable if you see them again?

 

Maybe these questions will help you discover new ways to deal with the situation in a positive way. Best of luck.

[amaysngrace]

I do not understand your reasoning at all. Maybe I've missed something but wouldn't entitled be the assumption that everybody revolves around you and shame on them if they're unfamiliar with your story?

 

There's many ways that people act entitled. I know from experience how important it is to feel entitled to personal considerations and thereby look after yourself. It takes time to stumble out of the FOG once an abusive relationships have ended but I have complete faith that you'll get there.

 

I completely agree with Tayla and hope that her message isn't completely dismissed.

The only implications I'm trying to suggest that the daughter may need to sort through things on her own as would any human being. It would probably be a good idea to keep those messages intended for you to be private. There's a huge initiative these days with It Can Wait. You do not need to read your text messages while on the road. You also do not need to make your daughter read them to you. Your ex seems to have this certain power over you if you feel compelled to immediately stop everything you're doing just to immediately catch up with him like this. Maybe it's time to end this hold he has? It might also be a good idea, depending entirely on her age, to respect that your daughter's therapy should be a private matter between herself and her therapist.

 

But I still do not understand the situation and I'm not asking you to repeat yourself. What I do have are a few questions that might be worth considering...

How should you react to people who feel entitled?

What sort of behaviors did your Ex have? Are they recognizable if you see them again?

 

Maybe these questions will help you discover new ways to deal with the situation in a positive way. Best of luck.

 

Yea I thought putting "abusive ex"in the title would have been self-explanatory.

 

I guess I just wasn't wordy enough...

 

My daughter isn't working through this on her own. Did I or did I not say that she was speaking to a counselor about it.

 

She's not my only child so my texts are important.

Edited March 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[JourneyLady]

The main reason I can envision your scenario is because my daughter has three kids, an ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend. The coordination all that takes as to care requires a lot of texting. Who's taking who where, who's picking up dinner that night and which house two of the kids will be in, whether there is anything on schedule for the oldest, and who's driving which car.

 

I don't know how she does it, frankly. Just knowing about it is exhausting. And these aren't even over-scheduled kids, just a working mom and two guys trying to shuttle kids back and forth depending on who they are with!

 

Yeah, right. Don't read text messages on the road - and end up driving to someplace the kids aren't now, but were there an hour before... Not to mention the error of picking up too many dinners when two kids aren't going to be home after all...

[amaysngrace]

Thank you again Journey Lady!

 

It's exactly as you say it is. I'm busy every day being the single mom of three and I need to know that everything is okay at home if I'm not there or if I need to pick up something when I'm out on the road.

 

I wasn't expecting my exH to get nostalgic with me because he went into a mood.

 

But I never knew that him being an abuser and him being this way now had anything to do with one another. I never really bothered to look into the way that abusive people tick.

 

I've got enough to figure out as it is.

 

Thank you again....I'm really glad you answered my question. XO

[M30USA]

If he's a true abuser, I would advise you to cut off all non-necessary contact and definitely make him stop the sexting. You seem to be half-welcoming of it.

[tbf]

Abuse is about control without boundaries so he's going to continue pushing your buttons.

[amaysngrace]

Abuse is about control without boundaries so he's going to continue pushing your buttons.

 

I can't block him from texting me. We have children together.

 

This isn't a boundary issue, I don't think. I do nothing to encourage him to say things like that.

 

The only options I see are to tell his wife or ignore it so I ignore it. Am I missing something else that I should be doing differently?

[tbf]

I can't block him from texting me. We have children together.

 

This isn't a boundary issue, I don't think. I do nothing to encourage him to say things like that.

 

The only options I see are to tell his wife or ignore it so I ignore it. Am I missing something else that I should be doing differently?

You're misunderstanding. He's deliberately pushing your boundaries. It's not entitlement, it's all about control...over you.

 

Have you told him to stop sexting you, that your daughter read it?

[amaysngrace]

You're misunderstanding. He's deliberately pushing your boundaries. It's not entitlement, it's all about control...over you.

 

Have you told him to stop sexting you, that your daughter read it?

 

No she replied to him and told him that I was driving and is it was her replying so he knows.

 

I actually think that I have much more control over him than he has over me which is why he grasps at whatever control over me that he can get.

[tbf]

No she replied to him and told him that I was driving and is it was her replying so he knows.

Doesn't matter. You should shove it in his face.

 

I actually think that I have much more control over him than he has over me which is why he grasps at whatever control over me that he can get.

For whatever the reasons, it's about control over you. Anything else is irrelevant.

[amaysngrace]

Doesn't matter. You should shove it in his face.

 

For whatever the reasons, it's about control over you. Anything else is irrelevant.

 

Yea that's what the counselor said too. That it's typical behavior for an abuser to feel entitled to keep exercising that control.

 

Too bad for him that wishes is all he's got.

 

He's narcissistic too though, tbf. So most times if I shove it in his face he acts so stupidly that he forgets all about it by the next time he does it again.

 

Usually it goes like this...he sexts me....I ignore it or immediately try to deflate him....he goes away for a little while, sometimes even a month, more than once...then out of nowhere he will sext me again.

[ThatMan]

Yea that's what the counselor said too. That it's typical behavior for an abuser to feel entitled to keep exercising that control.

You can do this.

 

I'm sure that all of your children want to see you happy and safe. You can wait a simple matter of minutes rather than seconds when texting. Whenever you're on the road it's a simple matter of waiting to pull over to a parking lot, parallel parking on the street, anything other than asking your kid to read some sexting. This puts her in a very bad position. Unless you are free to take the smallest of liberties of waiting mere moments before safely reading his messages then and your being controlled by him more than you think.

[Emilia]

I agree with tbf. It is about control. I haven't experienced myself but I have seen controlling people being 'pushy' and disrespecting others' boundaries. Stalking, inappropriate behaviour, etc. That's what came to my mind when I read your first post amay. I had no trouble comprehending what you meant

[M30USA]

I agree with tbf. It is about control. I haven't experienced myself but I have seen controlling people being 'pushy' and disrespecting others' boundaries. Stalking, inappropriate behaviour, etc. That's what came to my mind when I read your first post amay. I had no trouble comprehending what you meant

 

And in many cases these abusive people cling to Christian teachers who reinforce their beliefs that they are favored, and that God will give them whatever they "declare"--so they wind up pushing boundaries and abusing people, incorrectly believing they are "claiming the victory".

 

Reference: experience.

Edited March 12, 2014 by M30USA

[amaysngrace]

You can do this.

 

I'm sure that all of your children want to see you happy and safe. You can wait a simple matter of minutes rather than seconds when texting. Whenever you're on the road it's a simple matter of waiting to pull over to a parking lot, parallel parking on the street, anything other than asking your kid to read some sexting. This puts her in a very bad position. Unless you are free to take the smallest of liberties of waiting mere moments before safely reading his messages then and your being controlled by him more than you think.

 

For the last time...I don't know it is him texting...I just hear a sound that I got a text.

 

Sometimes he goes a whole month or more before displaying that behavior. He's very random.

Edited March 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[amaysngrace]

And in many cases these abusive people cling to Christian teachers who reinforce their beliefs that they are favored, and that God will give them whatever they "declare"--so they wind up pushing boundaries and abusing people, incorrectly believing they are "claiming the victory".

 

Reference: experience.

 

He's not Christian, he use to be a Catholic but I'm pretty sure he doesn't practice anything anymore.

 

It's hard to believe in God if you think you're God...

[venusishername]

I don't know your situation, I don't have kids, and I don't have an ex who sexts me.

 

But to answer your initial question, yes. I have heard that before, I agree with what your therapist has said, and I have actually WITNESSED it personally. Abusers often suffer from 'entitlement issues'... because they feel important enough or in my opinion are seeking approval that they are important enough (to you in this case). If you respond to it or should I say not put an end to it, it feeds into that entitlement because he has succeeded in gaining it from you. Simple, right?! I'm not sure if ignoring it is the answer because you do have to have contact with him for your kids. So, stand up to him and tell him to knock it the hell off.

 

Regardless of driving, whether or not you should be texting while driving, daughters, children, or children's therapy privacy matters, or religious affiliations, if my ex sexted me or communicated with me in any way that was inappropriate and unrelated to the care and welfare of my children (or for whatever reason we were still in contact), I would tell him to **** off. That's just me.

 

 

You asked what you could be doing differently, and the answer is to NOT encourage his entitlement issues. Think of it like dealing with a child tugging at your apron strings saying "Mommy, mommy! pay attention to me!! Mommy, mommy!!" Thinking of my abusive ex as a little boy pulling at my "apron" turned my world around and made me take my control back. Forgive me for unsolicited advice, but how about if you firmly told him (and angrily I might add) that it is not appropriate for him to be sending you those messages. PERIOD. Whether or not your daughter may accidentally read it or not. Because I think if you use the excuse of someone else intercepting those texts, he may find a way around that and still get to you. Just a thought. I may be wrong.

 

My ex tried to sext me or send me a picture himself naked after we broke up because he was controlling and didn't want to let go of that control over me. It was met with my stubborn and hard headed "**** off". It never happened again. Just sayin.

Edited March 13, 2014 by venusishername