Entitlement of an abusive ex?

[M30USA]

I don't know your situation, I don't have kids, and I don't have an ex who sexts me.

 

But to answer your initial question, yes. I have heard that before, I agree with what your therapist has said, and I have actually WITNESSED it personally. Abusers often suffer from 'entitlement issues'... because they feel important enough or in my opinion are seeking approval that they are important enough (to you in this case). If you respond to it or should I say not put an end to it, it feeds into that entitlement because he has succeeded in gaining it from you. Simple, right?! I'm not sure if ignoring it is the answer because you do have to have contact with him for your kids. So, stand up to him and tell him to knock it the hell off.

 

Regardless of driving, whether or not you should be texting while driving, daughters, children, or children's therapy privacy matters, or religious affiliations, if my ex sexted me or communicated with me in any way that was inappropriate and unrelated to the care and welfare of my children (or for whatever reason we were still in contact), I would tell him to **** off. That's just me.

 

 

You asked what you could be doing differently, and the answer is to NOT encourage his entitlement issues. Think of it like dealing with a child tugging at your apron strings saying "Mommy, mommy! pay attention to me!! Mommy, mommy!!" Thinking of my abusive ex as a little boy pulling at my "apron" turned my world around and made me take my control back. Forgive me for unsolicited advice, but how about if you firmly told him (and angrily I might add) that it is not appropriate for him to be sending you those messages. PERIOD. Whether or not your daughter may accidentally read it or not. Because I think if you use the excuse of someone else intercepting those texts, he may find a way around that and still get to you. Just a thought. I may be wrong.

 

My ex tried to sext me or send me a picture himself naked after we broke up because he was controlling and didn't want to let go of that control over me. It was met with my stubborn and hard headed "**** off". It never happened again. Just sayin.

 

 

 

The ONLY tried and true method to dealing with entitled, abusive individuals is to completely disengage. And if you have children with them, then just stick to the minimum amount of communication required by law regarding the children. These people have no concept of boundaries and, if you let them, they'll push you until you're six feet under the dirt. I disagree with you about telling them to "knock it the hell off". Even a response like that shows that they have annoyed you, and they view that as a win/gain for them. It's so sad and warped, but it's true.

Edited March 13, 2014 by M30USA

[venusishername]

The ONLY tried and true method to dealing with entitled, abusive individuals is to completely disengage. And if you have children with them, then just stick to the minimum amount of communication required by law regarding the children. These people have no concept of boundaries and, if you let them, they'll push you until you're six feet under the dirt. I disagree with you about telling them to "knock it the hell off". Even a response like that shows that they have annoyed you, and they view that as a win/gain for them. It's so sad and warped, but it's true.

 

 

 

 

 

You are right about the no boundaries! I think the 'knock it the hell off' comment is more about gaining control over yourself and standing up to a controlling person. Once you have done that, in my experience it is easier to disengage because you no longer feel manipulated. But geez, whatever it takes, right? Yes, pathetic.

[M30USA]

You are right about the no boundaries! I think the 'knock it the hell off' comment is more about gaining control over yourself and standing up to a controlling person. Once you have done that, in my experience it is easier to disengage because you no longer feel manipulated. But geez, whatever it takes, right? Yes, pathetic.

 

Yes. It also helps to realize that there is no such thing as winning with these people. They have determined at the outset of every encounter to be the victor. Everything in life to them, down to the smallest passing phrase, involves a winner and a loser. Trust me when I say that engaging these people in any fashion is an automatic loss for you.

[venusishername]

Yes. It also helps to realize that there is no such thing as winning with these people. They have determined at the outset of every encounter to be the victor. Everything in life to them, down to the smallest passing phrase, involves a winner and a loser. Trust me when I say that engaging these people in any fashion is an automatic loss for you.

 

 

I think that is KEY that there is no such thing as winning or losing in these situations. I got to the point with my abusive ex where I thought, 'well, you can't bargain with the devil', or another one of my favorites: 'you can't talk straight to a crooked person' so why even bother? It's a long, hard step for some.

[Emilia]

The ONLY tried and true method to dealing with entitled, abusive individuals is to completely disengage. And if you have children with them, then just stick to the minimum amount of communication required by law regarding the children. These people have no concept of boundaries and, if you let them, they'll push you until you're six feet under the dirt. I disagree with you about telling them to "knock it the hell off". Even a response like that shows that they have annoyed you, and they view that as a win/gain for them. It's so sad and warped, but it's true.

 

Yes. It also helps to realize that there is no such thing as winning with these people. They have determined at the outset of every encounter to be the victor. Everything in life to them, down to the smallest passing phrase, involves a winner and a loser. Trust me when I say that engaging these people in any fashion is an automatic loss for you.

Completely agree with the above.

[ThatMan]

...two other posters were saying that in their experience they've had to figure out a way to handle such situations.

I have a few different experiences that you may appreciate and learn from. Although I only feel comfortable sharing a second-hand experience myself. Perhaps what I bring to the table is encouraging or at least become something to think about.

 

I'm well-acquainted with a single mother who shares custody. It's important for her to be available and on call 27/4 for both her career and children. Things were very difficult in the very beginning of the divorce. There was pressure from her job, her Ex began harassing her over the phone, and her child had several hospitalizations from life-threatening asthma attacks. She had no choice but to answer any and all call or texts because of these circumstances. She was a complete nervous wreck to put it bluntly.

 

After one sleepless night she crashed during the morning commute to work. It was nothing major but she did break her femur and was let go of from her position. This was clearly a very difficult moment in her life. But things did improve as the divorce moved forward and she began to transition.

 

The very first step she took was to regain her personal boundaries and self-consideration. Whenever she received a harassing email she would -

 

1. Tell him that he needs to stop doing this. She would respond only once stating, "You will no longer contact me via-text unless this is about our children."
   
2. She would begin to ignore his messages and no longer inconvenience herself by frantically reviewing every single message immediately. If she needed to wait a few minutes to be in a good position to look through them then she waited.
   
3. If the messages became so severe, or outright sexual in nature, she would offer one final message to him. She would respond by stating, "You will stop. If you do not stop then I will go to the authorities."
   

Her life did markedly improve from there. Abuse is about control and pushing boundaries. She regained her life again once she followed those three simple steps and did something positive for herself - Which is something you can do!

 

 

 

The next goal she set for herself involved establishing boundaries between her and her children. Sometimes she'll have an extremely frustrating conversation and then spend the afternoon fuming. She began actively working towards saying aloud to her children, "I'm sure that you love your father and it's painful for you to hear me speak poorly about him. Any fights that we do have are between us parents. You guys are shouldn't become involved in any of our fights." These conversations that she had helped her actively stop herself from placing her children in the middle. This meant that any messages intended for her would not be seen or read to by anyone else but her.

 

I ask that you do not place your children in the middle of the conflict.

Edited March 13, 2014 by ThatMan

[Emilia]

If the messages became so severe, or outright sexual in nature, she would offer one final message to him. She would respond by stating, "You will stop. If you do not stop then I will go to the authorities."

 

If it was only this simple! A colleague of mine did this exactly to her ex boyfriend, she did end up talking to the police, she did end up taking him to court, she did succeed in getting an injunction where he wasn't supposed to contact her.... Only for him to reappear years later on linkedin requesting to be her contact. Personally, I think her mistake was to keep engaging him because he got a kick out of the whole thing. We all know who he is by the way, he is the CEO of quite a large organisation.

 

Sometimes this thing just doesn't stop.

[Robert]

This notice goes to all posting on this thread including the thread starter, let's keep the rude pokes to yourself and if there is a post that crosses the line then either report it or ignore it, don't reply to it.

 

There is no reason on this thread that I should have had to edit and delete what I just did,

 

Thanks

[ThatMan]

If it was only this simple! A colleague of mine did this exactly to her ex boyfriend, she did end up talking to the police, she did end up taking him to court, she did succeed in getting an injunction where he wasn't supposed to contact her.... Only for him to reappear years later on linkedin requesting to be her contact. Personally, I think her mistake was to keep engaging him because he got a kick out of the whole thing. We all know who he is by the way, he is the CEO of quite a large organisation.

 

Sometimes this thing just doesn't stop.

That must be a very difficult situation. Did your colleague have custodial obligations to remain in touch with him? How long ago was this and how is she holding up now? I understand that this is anything but simple.

 

Perhaps this thing just doesn't stop. But you know what? It's important to remain optimistic and positive. I'd rather try to encourage than claim this is a hopeless situation. Setting boundaries is something to do for yourself and not the other person. Learning how to make these statements aloud are meant to help you better interact in a healthier way. These statements are meant as a way to say that you are deserving of better treatment. Maybe you can say this in the beginning. But I agree if these message do continue that perhaps ignoring them completely is a good idea.

[M30USA]

That must be a very difficult situation. Did your colleague have custodial obligations to remain in touch with him? How long ago was this and how is she holding up now? I understand that this is anything but simple.

 

Perhaps this thing just doesn't stop. But you know what? It's important to remain optimistic and positive. I'd rather try to encourage than claim this is a hopeless situation. Setting boundaries is something to do for yourself and not the other person. Learning how to make these statements aloud are meant to help you better interact in a healthier way. These statements are meant as a way to say that you are deserving of better treatment. Maybe you can say this in the beginning. But I agree if these message do continue that perhaps ignoring them completely is a good idea.

 

Agreed. Most people naturally know what healthy boundaries are (if they were raised by competent parents). Others don't and they literally need to be trained like a dog.

[venusishername]

If it was only this simple! A colleague of mine did this exactly to her ex boyfriend, she did end up talking to the police, she did end up taking him to court, she did succeed in getting an injunction where he wasn't supposed to contact her.... Only for him to reappear years later on linkedin requesting to be her contact. Personally, I think her mistake was to keep engaging him because he got a kick out of the whole thing. We all know who he is by the way, he is the CEO of quite a large organisation.

 

Sometimes this thing just doesn't stop.

 

You know, I think that any action, whether negative or positive in response to these controlling boundary pushing manipulators can be a switch in their delusional minds that you are 'encouraging' THEIR behavior. It's their rationale for continuing to contact you. Mine was "I'm only trying to talk to you about the restraining order you got against me! I just want to talk to you about it!!"

There is a book called 'The Gift of Fear' that explains about how obsessive/controlling (and often stalkers) will latch on to any kind of relationship they can get with you, even if it's in court. That happened to me.

And yes, if you continue to engage, they will find some justification to continue harassing you. This took me about three years to figure out.

[M30USA]

You know, I think that any action, whether negative or positive in response to these controlling boundary pushing manipulators can be a switch in their delusional minds that you are 'encouraging' THEIR behavior. It's their rationale for continuing to contact you. Mine was "I'm only trying to talk to you about the restraining order you got against me! I just want to talk to you about it!!"

There is a book called 'The Gift of Fear' that explains about how obsessive/controlling (and often stalkers) will latch on to any kind of relationship they can get with you, even if it's in court. That happened to me.

And yes, if you continue to engage, they will find some justification to continue harassing you. This took me about three years to figure out.

 

Can the moderators please make every letter of this post golden?

[venusishername]

If it was only this simple! A colleague of mine did this exactly to her ex boyfriend, she did end up talking to the police, she did end up taking him to court, she did succeed in getting an injunction where he wasn't supposed to contact her.... Only for him to reappear years later on linkedin requesting to be her contact. Personally, I think her mistake was to keep engaging him because he got a kick out of the whole thing. We all know who he is by the way, he is the CEO of quite a large organisation.

 

Sometimes this thing just doesn't stop.

 

You know, I think that any action, whether negative or positive in response to these controlling boundary pushing manipulators can be a switch in their delusional minds that you are 'encouraging' THEIR behavior. It's their rationale for continuing to contact you. Mine was "I'm only trying to talk to you about the restraining order you got against me! I just want to talk to you about it!!"

There is a book called 'The Gift of Fear' that explains about how obsessive/controlling (and often stalkers) will latch on to any kind of relationship they can get with you, even if it's in court. That happened to me.

And yes, if you continue to engage, they will find some justification to continue harassing you. This took me about three years to figure out.

[894hjk]

Omg what ridiculous "advice" on here!

 

Go NC! She has children with him!

 

"If he is a true abuser?" He used to beat her up! Is that true enough 4 u?

 

Half welcoming sexts? Grow up

 

My ex was abusive and I got a text recently on his birthday asking for dinner and sex!

 

It's all about what they can take.

[amaysngrace]

I never said I welcome sexts from him. In fact I said the opposite and that I don't welcome them at all.

 

Going NC is tougher when you have children together, much different than just dating a guy for five months off and on.

[894hjk]

I'm agreeing with you btw