Advise Please!!

[charlene39]

My Husband, a few years back use to have Fridays off, I would come home from work and notice on caller ID that his work had called, I asked what was so important he would say it was work related,( he works in retail, 10 yrs together and they had never called him at home before) after a few weeks, I'd notice they weren't calling no more. We have 3 children so yes everyday I come home I would check messages.

One day I was using my sons phone, on it had caller ID I had noticed his work did infact was calling on his day off.

I asked him if they had called him his reply was no,( he erased it from the main phone caller ID) after a while he said yes it was a girl from the office asking if I wanted tickets that wkend for an event I had put in for.

We never got any tickets at that time, and if they were just tickets why did he lie about it?

I asked him, he said he lied because he didn't want me to get upset that a woman would be calling him at home. Hello, why would I get upset, free tickets, we have 3 children, take the tickets right? We went to dinner one night with his buddy from work, I mentioned the free tickets, his reply was, dam they have never called me at home to ask infact the send an email out by Thursday letting you know if indeed you get them, they have a drawing for tickets.

This whole time this girl called me a few times and ask if I wanted a free make over, she sold cosmetics on the side, I never had the time so no, I felt something was there, why would he lie to me over something so stupid? She doesn't live that far from us, one day she was walking with her Mother, my husband and I were sitting on the front porch, she didn't see me, I heard her say 'hey there's, Mike Hi Mike''( not real name) My husband says oh hey come here I want you to meet my wife, as he introduced us, I noticed she wouldn't look me in the eye, so I told my husband maybe its her wanting to pursue you, and he said maybe, and he wouldn't want to loose his family over something like that. One other day she drove by, and I was sitting on the front porch and she whipped her head around the other way so fast it was funny.

One day we were arguing over this and I asked him if he pursued her could he, he said yes along with a few other from the office, if thats the road he wanted, and that he doesn't because he loves his family.

It all finally passed, eventually he did admit she was an office Hoe after his buddy had told him some stories about her, I told him for months Thats what I thought of her, but it took his buddy telling him to see it. This was 2 years ago.

About 3 months ago I asked him several times if he received jokes from anyone he said no,

Last week he said yes he was receiving jokes from this other girl in the office, again he lied to me, I asked him why if its just jokes would he be lying, he said its because he didn't want to argue with me. I told him this is the same girl that you threw in my face that if she was single you could pursue her and sleep with her, he said yes, I called her a slut, he says she's not a slut that she's a really nice girl.

What he doesn't understand is how it hurts me to know he could lie to me, about receiving jokes from her and me not get upset about this. If he was honest, hey I get jokes from so and so, she's really nice, no he lied to me. I told him if there's nothing there then ask her to add his home addy to her joke list, he did it took almost a month, he kept saying he's waiting for the right time, that he didn't want to look stupid asking, I told him how could you look stupid asking to add your home addy for innocent jokes, but he had no problem lying to me and disrespecting me.

I have caught him in many white lies before, and eventually he admits them to me, but I'm very upset at this, why does he insist that there's nothing there between them, but yet stands up for her when I call her a slut, I dont know this person, I cant judge her, but I call her this because it hurts to know he would lie to me over her, kinda like he chose her over being honest with his wife.

Please tell me what you would do. I love him so much.

[Lil Honey]

I don't know that woman from work either, however she isn't the one behaving badly. Your husband is behaving badly when he lies.

[Owl]

It obvious that there is a lot more going on than he's admitting. My suggestion? At this point, you know HE'S not going to be honest with you about this. Call her perhaps? Ask HER what's going on...tactfully and politely as you can...it's very possible that she may be honest with you. Talk with his buddy from work? Same deal...it depends on how his friends feel about what's going on.

 

It absolutely sounds like he's got something going on. And he's proven to you that you he won't be honest with you unless you've got proof. So start getting proof. What does he do during lunch? When would he be spending time with her? Could you manage to perhaps be sitting in the parking lot where he works during lunch to see where he goes/who he goes with, without him knowing you're there? You get the idea.

 

LilHoney- If she knows he's married (she does, she met his wife) and she's still involved with him, she's behaving badly. It's her choice as much as his to pursue this relationship...and doing so knowing he's married is wrong on BOTH sides. His more so, but she's not utterly blameless either. Again...assuming something IS going on.

[charlene39]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.

 

My husband has lied to me so many times, then he'll tell me the truth and say ok Ive came clean, lets move forward, if I try to talk to him about what hurts me he says thats in the past I understand its in the past, but we never talked about it, he admitted to me but I'm just expose to sit there and listen and not speak.

 

I love him so much, Its almost like I beg him to tell me about his day, and he says I'm interrogating him, when I just want to be apart of his life.

 

The lies I'm talking about are:

Internet sex, I told him we can do it together if he wanted to but not lie to me, that hasnt been a issue in years.

 

he admitted that he snuck out of the house and got a dirty magazine. (7 yrs ago)

He called a 900 # in our room when I was asleep. (8 yrs ago)

Telling me about a lady sending him a picture of herself at work from some sex joke place and he ended it right then, told her not to write back (3 yrs ago)

Going to a concert, then going to a strip club after and getting a lap dance (6 yrs ago) the truth just came out 2 yrs ago, PLEASE tell me what a lap dance is????

renting porn on TV when the children are in California, it was no biggy but why would he lie?

The weman I mentioned above, with his co-workers.

Theres sooo much more, but I wont list.

 

I love sex, trust me he has never been turned down, this is why Its hard for me to understand why he feels the need to lie about.

Its like he'll come clean only to lie about something else.

 

He drinks alot, but hes a happy drunk, this was started before we were even together, he stops for a few months but starts back up,

He makes promises and never keeps his word.

He has made me feel un loved, un desirable, all I know is I love him so much, what is it I'm doing to myself, I hurt so much because all I want is for him to love, respect, me,

please help, thk you for your replies.

[FrancoPUA]

Charlene39,

 

(snipped)

>One day I was using my sons phone, >on it had >caller ID I had noticed his work did >infact was >calling on his day off.

>I asked him if they had called him his reply was >no,( he erased it from the main phone caller ID) >after a while he said yes it was a girl from the >office asking if I wanted tickets that wkend for >an event I had put in for.

 

And the girl was so dedicated to this that she called him on his day off? She could easily give the information on his work place..

 

>We never got any tickets at that time, and if >they were just tickets why did he lie about it?

>I asked him, he said he lied because he didn't >want me to get upset that a woman would be >calling him at home.

 

Now no matter is he cheating or not he behaves here in a very strange way. If he is not cheating he behaves like a person who wants - consciously or unconsciously - make the other jealous. If so, why?

 

>Hello, why would I get upset, free tickets, we >have 3 children, take the tickets right? We went >to dinner one night with his buddy from work, I >mentioned the free tickets, his reply was, dam >they have never called me at home to ask >infact the send an email out by Thursday letting >you know if indeed you get them, they have a >drawing for tickets.

 

Things becomes more suspicious here..

 

>This whole time this girl called me a few times >and ask if I wanted a free make over, she sold >cosmetics on the side, I never had the time so >no, I felt something was there, why would he lie >to me over something so stupid?

 

Yes, why?

 

>She doesn't live that far from us, one day she >was walking with her Mother, my husband and >I were sitting on the front porch, she didn't see >me, I heard her say 'hey there's, Mike Hi >Mike''( not real name) My husband says oh hey >come here I want you to meet my wife, as he >introduced us, I noticed she wouldn't look me in >the eye, so I told my husband maybe its her >wanting to pursue you, and he said maybe, and >he wouldn't want to loose his family over >something like that. One other day she drove >by, and I was sitting on the front porch and she >whipped her head around the other way so fast >it was funny.

>One day we were arguing over this and I asked >him if he pursued her could he, he said yes >along with a few other from the office, if thats >the road he wanted, and that he doesn't >because he loves his family.

 

Your man is using - consciously or unconsciously - on you a psychological mechanism called SOCIAL PROOF. He is putting himself in the position of a man who is wanted by women and that causes to you jealousy feelings. What if one you would come home and say:"Darling.. it is funny.. there was a strange guy at work place fixing the elevator.. he was handsome yes.. but he must have been crazy.. couldn´t stop staring at me.." how would your hubby react to this?

 

 

>It all finally passed, eventually he did admit she >was an office Hoe after his buddy had told him >some stories about her, I told him for months >Thats what I thought of her, but it took his >buddy telling him to see it. This was 2 years >ago.

 

He is so innocent that he needs a buddy to tell him that?

 

>About 3 months ago I asked him several times >if he received jokes from anyone he said no,

>Last week he said yes he was receiving jokes >from this other girl in the office,

 

Again social proof.. why your man wants to make you jealous?

 

>again he lied to me, I asked him why if its just >jokes would he be lying, he said its because he >didn't want to argue with me.

 

Are you jealous in the relationship? If so maybe you are causing that behavior in him? Or is he provoching you into jealousy?

 

>I told him this is the same girl that you threw in >my face that if she was single you could pursue >her and sleep with her, he said yes,

 

Is your man a former playboy? I would have answered exactly the same way to a lady if she would have asked to have her turned on and jealous to me. Sorry but I do not think this reaction from your man is normal. I would not say to my wife "yes" in a situation like this. I would tell her:"I love you and want only you"

 

>I called her a slut, he says she's not a slut that >she's a really nice girl.

 

Again he puts you to compete with her on the psychological level. Sorry to say but your man behaves like a bitch here..

 

>What he doesn't understand is how it hurts me

 

You get the point now..

 

>to know he could lie to me, about receiving >jokes from her and me not get upset about this.

 

He is putting you and her to compete on the mental level. Why he does that?

 

>If he was honest, hey I get jokes from so and <so, she's really nice, no he lied to me. I told >him if there's nothing there then ask her to add >his home addy to her joke list, he did it took >almost a month, he kept saying he's waiting for >the right time, that he didn't want to look stupid >asking, I told him how could you look stupid >asking to add your home addy for innocent >jokes, but he had no problem lying to me and >disrespecting me.

 

You should call your man on disrispect. You cannot assume love from anyone if you let that person disrispect you. You should sit down in front of him and tell him straightly:"Listen. You are disrispecting me on this and this. If you go on doing like this I am not sure if I can anymore consider our relationship a relationship. I expect you to stop this now."

 

>I have caught him in many white lies before, >and eventually he admits them to me, but I'm >very upset at this, why does he insist that >there's nothing there between them, but yet >stands up for her when I call her a slut,

 

He behaves more like a slut on the psychological level with you. I know many women who do to guys what your man is doing to you right now. I hope he is not cheating on you behind your back because if it is so that means he is a player.

 

>I dont know this person, I cant judge her, but I >call her this because it hurts to know he would >lie to me over her, kinda like he chose her over >being honest with his wife.

>Please tell me what you would do. I love him so >much.

 

You are being too nice to him. You should tell him straightly that no one can disrispect you like this. One cannot be loved if he/she does not demand respect..

[charlene39]

No ive never met any of his co workers, I do know one guy he works with.

As far as his lunches, I use to ask him to please call home, there for a long time he never did, but recently I got him a cell phone and he calls me every day on his lunch.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Owl

LilHoney- If she knows he's married (she does, she met his wife) and she's still involved with him, she's behaving badly. It's her choice as much as his to pursue this relationship...and doing so knowing he's married is wrong on BOTH sides. His more so, but she's not utterly blameless either. Again...assuming something IS going on.

 

Yes . . . assuming something IS going on . . . but if they are only exchaning jokes and silly, stupid things and they ARE ONLY co-workers, then the woman isn't doing anything wrong, but HE still is.

 

Edited to add: If he isn't lying about the content of the messages, he is still lying that they even take place, in which case he is stupidly making his life a living hell. And frankly, that doesn't make sense.

[Owl]

I agree Lilhoney. Even if nothing is going on...HE is still in the wrong for lying about it. If nothing is actually happening, then the other woman has done nothing wrong.

[Lil Honey]

I really must say that it seems that he has something up his sleeve.

 

Granted each couple is different, but you don't want a spouse to think you are having an affair, then you let them in on what's going on at work. My ex-husband knew the people I work with. I'd come home and tell him about them - their personalities, their families, the things they have said and did. I think it helps to keep a spouse from feeling excluded, in a way, if that makes any sense.

 

Generally, folks don't suspect the worst from you, unless you give them good reason.

[AlexisHildegard]

I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE HIM, BUT IF MY HUSBAND EVER LIED LIKE THAT.....MY HUBBY WILL OCASSIONALLY LOOK AT PORNOGRAPHY ONLINE, THEN COME TO BED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME...FINE, HEY, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU GET YOUR APPETITE AS LONG AS YOU EAT AT HOME, RIGHT? THEN SOMETIMES HE WILL OCCASSIONALLY MASTURBATE TO ONLINE PORN, HEY IT'S HIS PEROGATIVE. WE ALL NEED A LITTLE SELFSATISFACTION SOMETIMES!