sarahsmom Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I work with a man, I am a MW, he a MM we both have children. He is a mentor to me but out of state we talk weekly, come in contact once every few weeks or so while traveling etc. We were friends initially, on a working basis then about 4 months ago traveled together for a few days. During that time we spent dinner together, talked about our marriages, etc but I noticed a strong attraction, then emotional attraction being able to talk about everything~ began to feel like dating. His wife is of a different religion which he will not convert to, so causes trouble between the 2. Throughout this trip we got closer (never talked about it directly) but it happened. He would tell me the next morning after we had dinner late, he was not able to sleep that night... etc. I also begin to "confide" in him about my marriage or problems and such. We saw each other about 2 weeks later and he told me he wants me to be happy and I am incredible. He also told me "I really care about you", "I was thinking about you"... etc. a lot of personal comments came. He begin making reference to how good I look, etc. It went from friendly flirting to a strong emotional connection. This has gone on for a few months on and odd (again nothing physical but a hug, flirting which is getting more and more heavy). He often tells me he is excited to see me, makes comments in front of others how cute I am... etc. Also asks if I am ok, how things are etc... There is a clear attraction, although a need for him to remain professional we are around people all the time. My issue is I feel it goes further and further each time we flirt (laughing, more touching, constant glances in my direction...etc Where is this headed? Am I mis-reading his intentions as a good friend/ mentor older brother or is this something in danger of becoming romantic? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Well, I think it's prett obvious to you already where this is headed. You're in the middle of an "EA"...an emotional affair. And while it's not become sexual yet, it very well could if you allow it to continue. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know...I'm not sure what your real question is. If you want advice...end it now. Make it an extreme ending so that you cannot resume this at a later date. You're problem is this...the moment either of you "admitted" those feelings to the other person, your relationship stepped outside the bounds of work, and outside the bounds of either of your marriages. And once you've done that, the work relationship is going to be a constant strain and issue. My suggestion would be to come clean to your husband, whom you NEVER mentioned once in your post. How do you feel about him? Let me guess...things were "ok" with him before the affair, but now you're feeling more and more like you "love him, but you're not "in love" with him"? If you want to repair the damage done to your marriage, you've got to completely cutoff contact with your MM...totally. That may mean getting a new job, or finding some way to change positions. Fair to you? Maybe not...but once you've crossed that line, it's not going to be fair to your husband for you to keep contact with him. So break it off, and then tell your husband. Come totally clean about what ya'll did together, talked about, etc... Start counseling...what made you do this? What needs was/is MM meeting that your husband isn't? You're in for a rough time ahead, no matter what road you chose to travel. Good luck to you...and I hope it all works out the best it can for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Well, so far nothing has happened, but it is plain obvious that sometime shortly it will progress further. Already telling eachother how you feel about one another is not good....That line has been crossed. The best thing to do is just stop flirting, don't spend time together. Why put yourself in a situation where you are tempted. You're both married, kids etc...Just not a good outcome. Stop it now before it heads to the bedroom. Focus that energy into your marriage and your husband...Something may or may not be wrong in your marriage, but together you and your husband can get that passion back... Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I noticed a strong attraction, then emotional attraction being able to talk about everything~ began to feel like dating. Where is this headed? Am I mis-reading his intentions as a good friend/ mentor older brother or is this something in danger of becoming romantic? Its in danger of becoming more romantic or physical only if that's what you want to happen. If you don't want that to happen then tell the guy that you can't continue on this relationship. If you don't tell him anything and continue on this way, then consider yourself knee deep in the quicksand, and sinking fast. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarahsmom Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 I confronted the situation today, talked with him he told me it was nothing more than friendship, and I asked him if he was attracted to me... he said simply, "I can't" , "I can't".... and he meant nothing more than caring for a good friend. Maybe I misread his intentions but might be closure.... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 OK...so here's pointed (but important) question...what were YOUR intentions? Or hopes? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Obviously there is something there, he felt it too. But the "I can't, I can't" means he CAN NOT! And won't allow anything to happen. Best thing you can do is give yourself some space from him. Distance yourself, put the thoughts out of your head and do not think of him in any sexual way. He is not going to pursue anything with you and I'm glad to hear that you two talked. He seems honest and upfront about it, but will not open up his feelings with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 WWIU- I don't COMPLETELY agree with you there, friend. If they've both admitted the attraction, there's going to be a constant danger of this flaring up again if they remain in contact. He'll have an argument with the wife one morning before he comes into work, she'll feel that the husband doesn't love her anymore because of something he said or did...and they have the opportunity to turn back to each other when/if that happens. That's why when an affair occurs (and this appears to have been an emotional affair) then NO CONTACT has to be established between her and him. You might be right, and I could be over-reacting...but it's something to think about nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I totally see your point actually...Didn't think of it that way Owl. They both need to keep distance and keep it professional. And IF one approaches the other further down the road about personal home problems, they should each try (yeah TRY lol) to encourage the other to talk to the spouse. Or a girlfriend... Unless a man/woman friendship is totally platonic, meaning friendship has been built once any sexual feelings are gone (it does happen - maybe guys still may once in a while give the girl buddy a once over, but that is just for fun, no harm lol) and time passes then and ONLY then can they talk freely about home life problems. I have two male friends, I've grown up with. They are like brothers to me now...Afew years ago one told me he thought I was HOT, yeah, flattery, felt nice and all but I didn't think of him in that way...Felt weird for abit around him cuz I kept thinking what is HE thinking about me now?? Took a break for afew months and now over the years he's around again...And yeh, I told my hubby, he laughed and thought it was funny actually...Said to him, felt like a my BRO was hitting on me yuk! He held nothing against my guy friend as he knows I would not allow anything to develope. Sometimes curosity gets the best of us...Thoughts are thoughts...But saying them outloud and/or acting upon them is not good. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 Since it sounds like you have to continue to work with one another, I'd suggest you stop sharing details about your marriages - keep it professional. Unless you must, I wouldn't have dinner with him either (unless you can have other coworkers or clients there). When you wonder where this is heading, it kinda sounds to me like you want it to head somewhere. I think you are better off if you just assume that you are coworkers dedicated to the same cause - being productive for your company or clients, nothing more. As long as you take the high road and don't give him any romantic encouragement, nothing should happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarahsmom Posted January 24, 2005 Author Share Posted January 24, 2005 I am glad to have closure for now... the only thing that bothered me is that I wish he would have owned up to his attraction, at least admitted something instaed of "I can't, I can't" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 I understand you feeling that way, but honestly I think you know the answer to that...Why should he confirm it? To make you feel better and maybe so it wasn't onesided? Most guys put in a close situation like yours would obviously feel sexual attraction towards the other person. (yes I am generalizing...Sorry!) Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted January 24, 2005 Share Posted January 24, 2005 What religion is his wife? Does she ignore him now because of it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sarahsmom Posted January 25, 2005 Author Share Posted January 25, 2005 She is Morman (sp?) he has not converted he says it is not something he can believe in so it has caused a lot of stress... out of curiosity could I have been misreading his intentions... we they only friendship? I was not aware a married man wouold seek a woman and call her a good friend, maybe I misunderstood. Maybe he has not admitted it to himself.. or won;t talk about it hence the "I can't, I can't" comment Link to post Share on other sites
blinkless Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Sounds like a player, beware, run to your husbands arms and be comfortable in the loving relationship you have. Communication,communication. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Sarahsmom- You've dodged my question...it's not HIS intentions that are important...it's YOURS. You are married too, are you not? You felt the same "attraction", whatever. You have your own stake in this emotional affar...so what are YOUR plans, and YOUR intentions? Those are what matter in the long run. Not his. Link to post Share on other sites
blinkless Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 He Can't , he can't ... to me that screams go ahead move out to attempt to have a relationship with a man who is going to inform you, it will never happen and he just says what you want to hear and is attracted to you, but is just making work more interesting. Please tell me doesn't sell anything for a living. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Sarahsmom- I've seen the second thread you've posted, pretty much asking the same question. Here's my question(s) back to you: 1. Why is it so important to you that he acknowledge this? I'm assuming you've read my response to your other thread... 2. What is it that YOU want out of this? 3. If this IS closure, then what are you going to do now? I'm asking, because I've been in your husband's shoes in this. My wife had an emotional affair about 8 months ago. We're recovering pretty well, but it's been darned tough at times. And I've learned quite a bit about emotional affairs thanks to what happened with us... So I've asked you these questions, because I'm hoping that they'll get you to think, and decide, about what it is that you really want to happen in your life. If you're wanting/hoping to continue the affair, then I'd seriously hope that you would work up the gumption to tell your husband, and end your marriage. Affairs are the most devestating thing you can imagine when you're the betrayed spouse. If you're wanting to fix your marriage, then this is a great place to get a lot of good advice on how... But no one here can do much to really help you at all until YOU have made up your mind...or have least given it some thought about it and start talking with people here. Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 She wanted him-she was too ladylike (read: spineless) to really test him out. SHe wanted HIM to make the first move-if he had, she would have gone for it. Conversely, if she grabbed him by his tie....well you get my point. Such a brief encounter lit up BOTH of their suburban lives, so my advise to sarahsmom, is...enjoy it! You didn't have sex with him, so quit guilting about it. You have a crush on him, so think of him when you masturbate, don't tell husband, and the crush will eventually go away. Link to post Share on other sites
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