Ex has asked to meet - she dumped me

[VeronicaRoss]

To actually answer your question of won't it make you look like a jerk?

 

Not if you tell her you want to cut off contact completely so you can both move on emotionally, that you hope she will respect your wishes on this as a final act of friendship and that you wish her well.

 

Good luck. You're in the worst part of breaking up imho but it's about to get a lot better if you follow through.

[a708]

To actually answer your question of won't it make you look like a jerk?

 

Not if you tell her you want to cut off contact completely so you can both move on emotionally, that you hope she will respect your wishes on this as a final act of friendship and that you wish her well.

 

Good luck. You're in the worst part of breaking up imho but it's about to get a lot better if you follow through.

 

Yeah, its definitely the start of the road in terms of recovery. With the situation we have, 3 hours distance apart and completely different lives (her at uni, me working in london) it was always obvious i guess. It will get better i know. Thanks for responding appreciate it!

 

Nah man, you're looking at it the wrong way. We do NC to help us heal and move on. But if you do NC in conjunction with making positive changes in your life helps us to heal faster. We make positive changes to make us feel empowered again. To let us gain back our self esteem and self worth.

 

 

There have been examples of where our Ex's try to come back. But, the dumpee was so far ahead in their own healing that they say to themselves, " Man my life is pretty good right now. I never felt this good when I was with her/him so why would I want to possibly lose what I've gained?" And they say thanks but no thanks.

 

You're right Chi.. Thing is i know that actually this gives me so much more time to go and do the things i want.. meet new people, get in the gym etc. That actually i should see this as an opportunity.

 

In my opinion, im still too interested in her life. You know, that's why i get back into these moods. Im too busy thinking whats she doing, who's she seeing. But actually it should be like that for her and not me.

 

Few weeks and hopefully i will have destroyed the pedestal man!

 

My thoughts right now are, why should i even care.. So lets see how long i can hold on to that feeling! fingers crossed.

[Babolat]

Yeah, its definitely the start of the road in terms of recovery. With the situation we have, 3 hours distance apart and completely different lives (her at uni, me working in london) it was always obvious i guess. It will get better i know. Thanks for responding appreciate it!

 

 

 

You're right Chi.. Thing is i know that actually this gives me so much more time to go and do the things i want.. meet new people, get in the gym etc. That actually i should see this as an opportunity.

 

In my opinion, im still too interested in her life. You know, that's why i get back into these moods. Im too busy thinking whats she doing, who's she seeing. But actually it should be like that for her and not me.

 

Few weeks and hopefully i will have destroyed the pedestal man!

 

My thoughts right now are, why should i even care.. So lets see how long i can hold on to that feeling! fingers crossed.

 

I am kind of sort of going through this with the same woman, again. She came back to me to try again, after I broke up with her last year. I tried, I never felt it or felt fully engaged/committed to an us the 2nd time, we agreed to end it last week; she said she wants to still be friends. I said in time, we both need to heal. She agreed.

 

First break up last year was much more difficult as she kept coming back to me "as friends" and "as lovers", but not to date, nor did I want to date her. I finally had to explain NC to her, I asked for it, she finally agreed, and that is when I started to fully heal.

 

This time it's been 6 days, she sent me one text, the day after we ended things, I replied, she replied, we have both been quiet since. I do not plan to contact her. I can't, I need to move forward emotionally. And I already am.

 

The NC is for you my friend. Be respectful and tell her why NC and then do it.

[a708]

Yeah man. I told her. I explained the reasons over the phone.. Which she agreed with.

 

I then got a bitc#y message back. Lol.

 

I did nothing wrong, was polite throughout.. Even though she split with me.

 

Like I said previously, I'm on the right path though.

[a708]

Im going to post this message again..

 

i want you to see what i got back after telling my ex that i wanted to go NC to move on. This is after telling her that i still had feelings for her, and for that reason i wanted to move on because she had. She responded with " i didnt want to confuse you but, of course i still love you". She later said that she'd hooked up with someone within a month. I said i want NC so i can move on.

 

A couple of hours passed and i got this message back:

 

"im annoyed with what you said earlier.. there was no need to be judgemental about me enjoying my time and loving new friends. If youre gonna speak like this then maybe its better that we dont meet and we dont speak really. Ive tried to be nice but its not working. If youre gonna be like this then i cant be bothered"

 

I would like to know your thoughts please.

I wanted to discuss because i think other dumpees will get this from the dumper, "shifting the blame/power", and its not fair.

[David87]

Of course the dumper wants to put the blame on you, what do you expect.

 

That's why it's a bad idea to stay in contact after a break up.

[a708]

Agree. What i'm trying to get across to people here is that the girl that i thought was in love with me has just tried to turn the whole situation. The situation she created.

 

Whilst i'm still attached to this girl, i could have easily text back apologizing, going back on what i said, etc. AND i'm sure many people have.

 

I have spoken to friends who have been completely bemused by that response. And they're right.. its trying to provoke a response.

 

Its important to ignore and don't get pulled in to these negative breadcrumbs. And remember that as the dumpee.. unless you've cheated etc, then you've done nothing wrong

 

Agree?

[David87]

Of course, you're spot on. If you just got dumped all you need to do is accept your situation and move forward.

 

What's done is done theres nothing you can do to bring your ex back. Some of the new users will say that their situation is different... trust me it's not.

 

And they cry, they beg they act like a doormat and by doing that not only do they push their ex away but they lose their dignity and self respect to.

 

Stay strong, ignore all breadcrumbs and only respond to the dumper when he says I've made a mistake, I love you and I want you back. Simple as that.

[Babolat]

Im going to post this message again..

 

i want you to see what i got back after telling my ex that i wanted to go NC to move on. This is after telling her that i still had feelings for her, and for that reason i wanted to move on because she had. She responded with " i didnt want to confuse you but, of course i still love you". She later said that she'd hooked up with someone within a month. I said i want NC so i can move on.

 

A couple of hours passed and i got this message back:

 

"im annoyed with what you said earlier.. there was no need to be judgemental about me enjoying my time and loving new friends. If youre gonna speak like this then maybe its better that we dont meet and we dont speak really. Ive tried to be nice but its not working. If youre gonna be like this then i cant be bothered"

 

I would like to know your thoughts please.

I wanted to discuss because i think other dumpees will get this from the dumper, "shifting the blame/power", and its not fair.

 

I think you are leaving out some context here, which is really not fair, to her. She is referencing a meeting you two obviously talked about, some conversation you had about her time with her friends, how she felt about it....etc.

 

Not juding you, letting you know you are trying to paint a pictue of her by posting only her replies here. That, is not fair.

 

My friend, it's simple: Stop all contact.

 

You are continuing to have dialogue with her for some unknown reason. Sharing only her part of that dialog is not fair, and honestly, if you want NC, it does not matter; just do it.

Edited March 14, 2014 by Babolat

[a708]

Post from earlier on -

 

"I took everyone's advice.. I called her. I asked bout the meeting and she said about just meeting to catch up.

 

I said no. I said I still had feelings and it would just be going over old ground.

I told her how I felt.. Going to friends is too hard, still feel the same way.

 

I said that whilst it upset me, I didn't blame her for breaking up.. As I've said logically it would not work out with her with 3 years left at university. I said I feel like I don't want to let go and keep the "friends" messages.. But actually it was really hurting and it was my turn to push her away. I said I think I have the right to. I have the right to get back to my normal self. She agreed.

 

I asked why she text me about hooking up. She basically said she just needed to know. I said it was weird. I said I assume you have.. To which she got upset and started crying. Telling me she had. Although had not slept with anyone.

 

It was a big wake up call. I told her I felt like I had been fully committed and she hadn't. Like I had been 100% and her 75 knowing it wasn't going to work out. I told her I felt like an idiot. And had been taken for a ride. I said I did not want to talk for a few months.. I said let's see in the summer and if we both want to then we will if not we won't.

 

Although it sounds horrible.. I was a total gent in my opinion.. Worded everything correctly.. She agreed with everything I said and got upset when I challenged her about hooking up. I left the call by saying I'm going to go as things got kind of silent.

 

A couple of days later I got a message that tried to shift the blame back to me. She was annoyed at me. Trying to get the ball back into her court.

 

I did not reply and am still at total NC. "

 

 

I got this message back -

 

"im annoyed with what you said earlier.. there was no need to be judgemental about me enjoying my time and loving new friends. If youre gonna speak like this then maybe its better that we dont meet and we dont speak really. Ive tried to be nice but its not working. If youre gonna be like this then i cant be bothered"

 

 

I was not judgemental about her life. From what i understand.. she thinks i was judging her for getting with someone else. Which i wasnt.. i understand she is now single and its her life. BUT what i was saying to her was "i feel a bit stupid, ive gone in 100% and she hasnt."

 

ALSO.. im currently no contact hoooray!

 

What i would say in response to you Babolat is:

- She asked to meet when she got back for easter.. but just to catch up.

- I never spoke about her friends and actually i agreed that this is her time at uni to go and meet new people and make a name for herself in her degree.

- I didnt throw a rage

- She agreed with everything i said over the phone to her (before her text back)

- She said to me "i've given you a reason to hate me"

- What i was looking for is NC.. but in a polite way. I needed time and still do.

 

 

Just some background info

 

Thoughts would be cool though.

Edited March 14, 2014 by a708

[Chi townD]

Nah dude, you handled everything like a rockstar!

 

 

Just stay in NC and work on making positive changes in your life. Sorry to say this, but she's probably contact you again in the future. Just be ready for it. Especially if she said, "I've given you a reason to hate me." Girls can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that actually hates them or doesn't think that they're a nice person.

 

 

So, after a period of time has pasted, she's probably going to make contact to see if you really "hate" her. See, the thing is that after you talked to her this last time, she agreed with everything you said. Then, after a day goes by, she sends you that blameshifting text. Here's what happened.

 

 

She got off the phone with you and what did she do? She went to her girlfriends there at Uni and they told her how YOU are being an unreasonable jackass and that you two aren't together anymore...blah....blah... over a tub of ice cream. So, she bought into their sh*t and tried to blameshift it on you because that's what her Uni friends told her exactly what she wanted to hear.

 

 

Just stay NC dude. You're going great.

[Mittens]

When I was dumped with someone that I was still very much in love with, he tried the 'let's be friends' rubbish. I was so desperate to still be in his life that like a fool I accepted it.

 

What he really meant was 'I still want to have sex with you, but I don't want to have to pretend to care about you' It was worse than friends with benefits, as there was no 'friends'

 

Unlike you however, I let this stupid situation go on for a couple of years...I'm so totally ashamed when I look back at the disrespect, the crumbs I accepted off this person, all in the name of so-called 'friendship'

 

The final straw came for me one night when we met up, and he told me quite gleefully that he'd slept with one of his female friends because 'you weren't available that night'

 

It made me feel like an unpaid prostitute. I went NC from that point. 6 months later I met my now fiance.

 

You are nothing but an ego boost to her. She likes the idea that you care for her, but god forbid you dare to question her motives - hence the reply you got.

 

Towards the end I used to deliberately 'test' my ex...every time he got in contact and told me what was going on in his life, I'd reply, and tell him something about my life...he'd never comment on it. He didn't want to know, it was all about him. He wouldn't even wish me Happy Birthday on my 40th...

 

You really need to block her number so she can't contact you.

[Babolat]

Thoughts would be cool though.

 

Stay 100% NC. I have been for over a week now, round 2 with the ex gf. I think about her, want to say "Hi", but I don't. I think, this time, she will not, either. I'd be surprised if she did.

[EuTuBrute]

The thing is, you've been accommodating to everything SHE wants. She wants a break up, now she wants to meet up and talk or whatever.

 

 

Put the ball in your court for once, reaffirm the date and ask her what's it that she wants to talk about. If she says she "just wants to chat and catch up." then YOU can decide for YOURSELF if you want to go to a pointless meet up or not. Finally YOU get to decide. Take back the power!

 

 

If it's something that you're not interested in doing then cancel with her. But, to be honest, I've seen it time and time again on here where Ex's want to meet up and folks get filled up with false hope only to have their Ex's bow out at the last second.

 

So, I wouldn't be shocked if she cancels on you at the last second. They weren't really interested in meeting up with you. Only for the ego boost that's provide to them KNOWING that you were willing to meet up with them.

 

 

It kind of eases their guilt. If you were willing to meet up with them, then you can't be that mad at them for breaking your heart. Therefore, they become disinterested in meet with you and give you some lame ass excuse not to meet. "Sorry, my friends cat is about to have kittens and I promised to sit with her. We'll reschedule for a later date."

 

 

Then you come back on here all kinds of pissed off. LOL! Unfortunately, I've seen it happen.

 

--------------------------

 

This is so spot on I'm laughing. Exactly what happened to me. They do it for an ego boost. Mine canceled with me the night before say she was "upset" on something i liked on facebook!

[a708]

Feeling awful today about the whole situation.

 

This girl was such a nice person and so cool. And now we dont even talk.

It just sucks.

 

I hate that she really does not seem to care. Its the worst feeling.

[somecamel]

Feeling awful today about the whole situation.

 

This girl was such a nice person and so cool. And now we dont even talk.

It just sucks.

 

I hate that she really does not seem to care. Its the worst feeling.

 

I'm with you there my friend.

 

When it hurts like this I feel myself going back into the denial stage to pretend everything's OK. Then I get the shock thoughts come back that remind me of what she done and what's she doing now. How can someone just change like that? I know that she checked out a long time ago so this has been easier for her.

 

I lost my best friend as well

[a708]

Sucks man.

 

I mean this girl was in bed with me asking me to ask her to marry her one night then a week later its over.. wtf?

 

The worst thing as well is that i don't think she even cares. She hasn't had a break up stage because of the distractions of uni.

[David87]

Feeling awful today about the whole situation.

 

This girl was such a nice person and so cool. And now we dont even talk.

It just sucks.

 

I hate that she really does not seem to care. Its the worst feeling.

 

She was a nice person but she aint no more. She dumped you, she crushed your heart and soul she took your pride and your confidence. Stop wasting feelings for her.

[David87]

Sucks man.

 

I mean this girl was in bed with me asking me to ask her to marry her one night then a week later its over.. wtf?

 

The worst thing as well is that i don't think she even cares. She hasn't had a break up stage because of the distractions of uni.

 

She doesn't care anymore, you should do the same. She's stronger than you. Work on that, be the stronger version of yourself.

 

Prove to her that you don't need her in your life to be happy.

[rubberman]

Sucks man.

 

I mean this girl was in bed with me asking me to ask her to marry her one night then a week later its over.. wtf?

 

The worst thing as well is that i don't think she even cares. She hasn't had a break up stage because of the distractions of uni.

 

Breakups are tough, My girlfriend dumped me 2 weeks ago. You need to see forward my friend. You need to Try moving on. I know it sounds tough, it is. You need to focus on yourself and not her. Im gonna tell you a story

Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess to marry him...

The Princess said NO and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and f***ed skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to nudie bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ass f****ed cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuarking cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.

[a708]

cheers guys.

 

Youve got me outta that shi*ty mood!

[David87]

Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess to marry him...

The Princess said NO and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and f***ed skinny big titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to nudie bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ass f****ed cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuarking cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The end.

 

This just made my day ) So Fu*kin* funny.