Mommame2 Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 If your friend is in a miserable marriage but staying for the child... Because they feel that may be the best plan... Would you encourage your friend to have an affair if she's already considering it? Would that ever be acceptable? My friend did that to me. And I am not sure how to deal with that "advice". Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 I'd probably share my own experiences and the differing feelings and consequences which attended. I'd neither encourage nor discourage, but would seek to show support for their marriage, pointing to positive aspects of the marriage which I observed. I would also share the insights I gained in MC during my affair. I've done this with MW's who sought to behave inappropriately with myself where I knew both the lady and her spouse. I call it being a supporter of the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Would you encourage your friend to have an affair if she's already considering it? No, I wouldn't encourage the affair. I'd ask her if she wants to live that way--miserable and contemplating an affair. I'd ask her if she really thinks staying is better for everyone involved. I might suggest she talk to her husband about the possibility of an open marriage, since they are only staying together for the child. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Nope. It's one or the other. If she cares about her child that much she should consider the message an affair send to the child. Divorce or stick out but don't cheat. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Nope. It's one or the other. If she cares about her child that much she should consider the message an affair send to the child. Divorce or stick out but don't cheat. Totally agree with this. An affair would just be a temporary feel good measure. After that, it would just add another layer of difficulty and complication to the situation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 If your friend is in a miserable marriage but staying for the child... Because they feel that may be the best plan... Would you encourage your friend to have an affair if she's already considering it? Would that ever be acceptable? My friend did that to me. And I am not sure how to deal with that "advice". Never. Ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nohardfelines Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 Never. Ever. Agreed. It's a terrible idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 No. I would never encourage someone to make an ethically poor choice. The least complex and ethically conservative choices are to make the best of the situation you have, or end it and make a new situation. That impacts the fewest people in a negative way, and may well have a positive outcome for everyone. An affair is more complex, and can create unhappiness and negative consequences for more people, so it is clearly a bad choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 I'd be distancing myself from said friend! Clearly their morals are lacking!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 If your friend is in a miserable marriage but staying for the child... Because they feel that may be the best plan... Would you encourage your friend to have an affair if she's already considering it? Would that ever be acceptable? My friend did that to me. And I am not sure how to deal with that "advice". No I would not encourage anybody to go have an affair. I'd suggest they do marriage counseling to fix their marriage or divorce. And I'd discourage her from having an affair and making her life more complicated and try to get her/him to see the damage, the pain and the innocent people who would get hurt by her actions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kalimata Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 You need to get new friends. What a piece of work to encourage friends to have an affair 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Your friend sounds like a real genius; this friend obviously believes two wrongs DO make a right. With a friend like that you don't need enemies IMO. You have a bad marriage, try to fix it. Don't wanna' fix it, fair enough. End it and move on. An affair will make that bad marriage/divorce exponentially worse in the end. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Fix the marriage or leave it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 8, 2014 Share Posted March 8, 2014 Friends do not encourage friends to do bad things. Dump that frienemy. So did you follow that bad advice? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bv120 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I would never encourage a friend to have an affair. However, if it were one of my closest friends I would be supportive whatever path she chose. It's happened before in my circle of friends and I remained supportive throughout the ordeal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 I would never encourage a friend to have an affair. However, if it were one of my closest friends I would be supportive whatever path she chose. It's happened before in my circle of friends and I remained supportive throughout the ordeal. Eh... Are you an enabler? Just asking? Link to post Share on other sites
bv120 Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 Please define enabler for me. bv Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 9, 2014 Share Posted March 9, 2014 No, I would advise her to try to work it out or get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Look at it from this point of view. You take her advice and cheat, get caught and if things are tough now, imagine what it will be like adding infidelity to the mix. Now, after he finds out, who catches all the flack? who gets bounced out on the street? Who gets branded with a unsavory name? I'll give you a hint. It's not your friend who put this idea in your head. She's going home. You aren't. She's getting on with her life. Yours got burned to a crisp. All's well for her. How 'bout you? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 If your friend is in a miserable marriage but staying for the child... Because they feel that may be the best plan... Would you encourage your friend to have an affair if she's already considering it? Would that ever be acceptable? My friend did that to me. And I am not sure how to deal with that "advice". Silly question......whatever happened to morals? How about you just encourage your friend to get out of that marriage instead i.e. doing both parties a favour? That is what real friends will do Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I'd be distancing myself from said friend! Clearly their morals are lacking!! This is a bad move, you would be a bad friend to abandon them at this juncture. You could encourage couples counseling and, even better, actively discourage the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Esoteric Elf Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 If your friend is in a miserable marriage but staying for the child... Because they feel that may be the best plan... Would you encourage your friend to have an affair if she's already considering it? Would that ever be acceptable? My friend did that to me. And I am not sure how to deal with that "advice". Sure, if they don't mind having the one they may love have an affair behind their back. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 This is a bad move, you would be a bad friend to abandon them at this juncture. You could encourage couples counseling and, even better, actively discourage the affair. No I meant if I was OP and had a friend encouraging me to have an affair! Link to post Share on other sites
verity123 Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I have had a six year affair which resulted in much more pain than I ever imagined. My affair was the result of two unhappy marriages and it found me I did not go looking for it. It can bring a hell of of a lot of other problems and misery that you never ever contemplated. I think in a joke once to my friend (who is now divorced) I said to my friend to have an affair, it seems like the easy answer. However several years down the line and we have suffered greatly for our choice after falling deeply in love and limbo after eventually you come to another set of crossroads and big choices, greater than you ever envisage.. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 I think it would depend on the situation. Why they were staying together. But I will say sometimes I run across these couples where the guy is such an uninteresting, non-sexual borefest that it makes me cringe in discomfort for the poor woman. I know some comfort and security in your life is a great thing but to never have a break from that just makes me feel incredibly sad for her, and I'd have a hard time judging if she had an affair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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