msoptimistic Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 (edited) I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because life has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs that have been all consuming. I have, however, taken the time to read others' posts because I never cease to be amazed at the stories shared here. I posted a few weeks back about a text being intercepted by my MMs wife and things being "over in a heartbeat" (name of the thread)...I am M also and my H does not know about the A. He was aware of it last summer but thought it ended a long time ago...I have been going to a counselor and would love some honest (yes I can take it) advice about where to go from here... First, through my counseling sessions, I have tried to start looking at MM without the rose colored glasses...broken promises, heartbreaks, ups and downs, always being 2nd, and so on...after the intercepted text we went NC for a brief time then he started LC and it was obvious we were headed back down that same road...we have gone for days over the past few weeks without talking but inevitably after a few days one of us breaks it. Yesterday, I finally had a talk with him and pointed out 2 things...#1, what we are doing is just plain and simply wrong. Falling in love with a married person is wrong, staying in the relationship is even more wrong. We aren't young, he's 53 and I'm 46. We both have kids and he has grandkids that we set an example for. The feelings we shared are wonderful but sometimes you have to think about right vs. wrong instead of how you "feel." That may not be fair, but it is life. We are not the only ones involved in this A; even without their knowledge, our parents, our children, our coworkers, etc. are all involved because it has changed us on some level. I know I'm not the person I was before and never will be again; and the 2nd point I talked to him about was a need for a spiritual/physical/emotional partner. Not just someone who you talk to daily and hope to get a few hidden moments with. The time with him is absolutely magnificent but in the end I always have to walk away empty. Those high feelings may last for a day or two but then its right back to "why haven't I heard from him?" "has something happened?"...always watching your back and feeling like you live in a black and white world with very little color or happiness...it's a sad world to live in and it's sad that we settle for that. He sent me a text yesterday that simply says.."This makes me very sad." I think that means that he knows it has to be over but we both know what we're losing. I love him. That is plain and simple and true. I love him today and right now it feels like I'll love him the day I die. I'm not at all sure why these things have to happen. Why do we get a taste of something so wonderful only to have it jerked away from us? It takes a mighty strong person to be "thankful" that it happened without the hurt and bitterness of "why did it have to end?" I'm nowhere near there yet...as of this moment, it feels like it would be much easier had it never happened but I don't want to feel that way, and maybe someday that thankfulness will come... My counselor told me yesterday that I was the most "conflicted" client he had ever seen. I know what's right and I have a reputation and a career and kids and family and friends and dozens of things to think about putting in jeopardy all for someone who may or may not even truly feel the things he tells me. But I have to tell ya, that one text saying he was sad absolutely broke my heart. But there have been many times my heart was broken and he had the power to help me but chose not to. So we choose. We choose who we put first in our lives; we choose how we let ourselves be treated by others; we choose whether we can live in "wrong" and be okay with it; and I guess we choose whether we are happy or wallowing in misery. Today I'm wallowing way down deep in some misery and I know that we have one more talk to go...he texted me during this typing and said he had given our talk yesterday alot of thought and he had some things to talk about. I know what's coming...he's been through alot and he's too tired to fight his W...if she leaves he'll be glad to see her go but he won't ask her to go so that we can be together..." I bet I am close to word for word of what he wants to say...and I'll say whatever I have to get out of the conversation because the tears will be coming and I won't want him to hear me cry...so, I've asked for this; I enjoyed the good and now I'll grieve through the bad...I'll have a long, hard discussion with H and see where that goes; all the while mourning losing what I had let myself come to see as "the best thing that ever happened to me"...prayers and positive thoughts needed today... Edited March 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 msoptimistic, I understand all you've written and have lived most of it. With the exception that I am single and also that my MM has always taken great care to stay in very close touch with me throughout the day and evening each day. The struggle I've had is predominately a spiritual struggle of right vs. wrong. Secondary to that is needing to be in a functional relationship of one man/one woman. For me, the only thing that has helped me is prayer and reading the Bible to have a close relationship with Jesus Christ. It truly does help bring things to a close and also has sustained me throughout a breakup. I don't know of your faith but perhaps it would be a great help for you? I understand your emotions of deep love and connection. My MM has taken care of me phenomenally. And he's a person that everyone loves. I couldn't ask for more in a A partner. All that said, it's not enough when, in my heart of hearts, I have a desire that cannot be denied to be connected to God in the most intimate way possible. I'll be praying for you today. I believe God has the power to get you through this. One thing I have prayed for myself is, knowing Jesus was sent to the world to save us, I have asked Him to be my Savior from the A. It is amazing what He has done for me in this regard, though I have still fallen and reverted to my sin. He has continued to seek me out, strengthen me and assure me that He can/will save me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 6, 2014 Share Posted March 6, 2014 Your post broke my heart. I know what you are going through. I wish I could help you. I read your past posts. I have been through it too - my A lasted for years. It's very hard to lose the person closest to you and who you have loved more than any other man. I'm not at all sure why these things have to happen. Why do we get a taste of something so wonderful only to have it jerked away from us? It takes a mighty strong person to be "thankful" that it happened without the hurt and bitterness of "why did it have to end?" I don't know why it has to happen this way either. But, maybe it's because if you were to get more than a 'taste' of this situation, then it wouldn't be as wonderful. Maybe it would fade or feelings would change. Maybe you are supposed to remember how wonderful it felt and be grateful that you can love and feel so much. At this point, I feel good about that, and I know it wasn't meant to be forever. But I will never, ever be sorry I loved him. And I know how much I was loved too. There is much to be said for that. Some people never feel it or receive it in return, even if they are with someone for their entire life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Suque Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 MO... I needed this post today. Our stories sound very similar (I guess they all do in so many ways). Today will just have to go down as a "day of wallowing" for me as well. I will choose to be happy tomorrow Just know, I cried when I read your post, but it helps to know it isn't just me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author msoptimistic Posted March 7, 2014 Author Share Posted March 7, 2014 Hi Suque, Hope Shimmers and Speaking of Which... Thanks for your words of encouragement...yesterday was a very, very difficult day and when I posted I was in a really bad place...still am! In that post I mentioned that I had a text from MM and knew there was a conversation coming...it wasn't what I expected, but worse..I'm going to start a different thread cause things have changed... I hope you will read that thread and offer your advice because each one of you said something that I needed to hear! Sometimes it is so hard for me to wrap my head around how something that can feel so right can be so wrong. Or how females and males can communicate so differently and feelings be hurt so easily. Sometimes I feel like I am in a chick flick watching my own life as the main character who is struggling to do what is right and from the outside it looks so simple but on the inside it is truly the definition of hell on earth. Link to post Share on other sites
verity123 Posted March 7, 2014 Share Posted March 7, 2014 ........................ Just know, I cried when I read your post, but it helps to know it isn't just me. me too loving someone this much hurts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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