Should I ask my ex-bf to meet for a drink?

[Gottabestrong]

Hi,

 

to all of you who dont know my story, my live-in bf of 2.5 years broke up with me 4 months ago (wow, that long ago already!). Anyway, we kept in touch via text and emails.

 

About a month later, when I felt that things were going nowhere (he did not want to reconcile), I stopped contacting him or replying to his messages. He wrote a few more times but stopped as well. After 17 days of NC I could not take it anymore and sent him an ecard. He replied and that was that.

 

Since then I have never initiated contact again, but he sent me a text every 10 days or so. About 2 weeks ago he suddenly started sending me emails. That was a big surprise because since Nov I only every got short texts from him.

 

Well so in the last 2 weeks he has contacted me 5 times; 1 text and 4 emails. I replied to 2 of his emails but ignored the others (because he did not ask me any questions in them). In his emails he always asks me for some info that he could get himself, and once I gave it to him he even admitted that he could get it himself, but used it as excuse to contact me.

 

His emails are very nice, he calls me Sweetie and signs with Love, BUT he does not ask to meet up. Have not seen each other in 3 months. So here is my question, should I ask him if he wants to meet up?

 

On the one hand I think he did the dumping, so he should ask, on the other he might be waiting for a sign from me to show that I am interested in meeting up. Thing is that when we got together originally I had to be the active one, as he is rather shy and uncertain of himself when it comes to dating.

 

I have not replied to his last mail because there was no question in it, and have not heard from him in a week. So I am thinking that either he is waiting for a reply from me, or he thinks that I dont want to have contact, as I ignored 3 of his messages in the last 2 weeks.

 

Should I call him? Keep on doing NC? Reply to his mail even though it is a week later and he did not ask any questions? I feel this need to do something, but I dont know what to do. If you have any thoughts on my problem, please let me know. Thanks a lot

 

If you need more details, please ask away!

[tattoomytoe]

i would email him and ask him what the number is of some bar that you want to go with him to. do not tell him why you want the number yet...just ask if he can get it for you.

 

then maybe ask if he wants to go after he gets it for you.

[alphamale]

find some stupid girlie thing scheduled for 2 or 3 wks down the road, such as a play or symphony thing. something a women would not go unescorted to.

 

don't buy tix yet. tell him by email that you and a g/f bought the tix some time ago and that she backed out and you need him to go so you don't waste a ticket.

 

if he says yes then go and buy the tix. he he eh eh

[tattoomytoe]

alpha- has a good point....some girlie thing, at least you would know if he is willing to suffer through some girlie thing with you. but what ever....just ask the guy out for a drink.

[Betterasfriends]

Hey Gottabestrong,

I have been following your story now for a bit. Been on this site quite a bit lately to read what others have been coping since my bf and I broke up almost a month ago. Anyway, wanted to lend you some advice/thoughts. I think that you should do whatever is best for you. Putting you first and not thinking of it as a tactic to get him back in anyway. If you want to have a drink with him and you don't think it will make you sad or throw you back into missing him even more than by all means email him and do it. But remember you don;t know how he will react. But if you do decide to do it...and why not, then prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. What would that be to you? Him not responding? Probably. Or saying no...he is busy. Be prepared and try not to take whatever it is personally. If he does decide to meet you then prepare yourself if he is cold, etc.

 

You sound like you are handling the whole thing well though and you are strong for not responding to him right away all the time.

 

Good luck.

[Gottabestrong]

Hi,

 

thanks for your replies. I am surprised to read yours Alphamale, I would have expected you to say that I should keep on doing NC until he says that he wants to get back together, or at least until he asks me to meet.

 

I forgot to mention that I found some of his clothes at my place that he did not take with when he moved out.

 

I thought that I could use this as excuse to ask him to meet. As in "I found some of your clothes. Do you want to come pick them up, or should I post them to you?" I hope that he would say he will pick them up, or even better suggest to meet at a coffeeplace himself.

 

Any ideas?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

thanks for your replies. I am surprised to read yours Alphamale, I would have expected you to say that I should keep on doing NC until he says that he wants to get back together, or at least until he asks me to meet.

 

I did not suggest NC cause you said that he is shy & uncertain.

[Gottabestrong]

True, he is shy when it comes to relationships. Does that mean NC does not apply in that case? Damn, I have been doing NC for the last 2 months now. Well, only half NC. I dont initiate, only reply. (Not to all messages)

 

You being the alphamale, do you think that sending those emails constitute some form of wanting to reconnect? Or is it impossible to tell?

 

Appreciate your reply!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

Damn, I have been doing NC for the last 2 months now. Well, only half NC. I dont initiate, only reply. (Not to all messages)

There is no such thing as partial NC. You either have NC or you do not. THe above is not NC.

 

 

You being the alphamale, do you think that sending those emails constitute some form of wanting to reconnect? Or is it impossible to tell?

Yes, most likely he does want to reconnect.

[Gottabestrong]

Thanks for your opinion Alphamale.

 

I know it is no real NC, but it is better than initiating contact myself, or is not it? That way I can always tell msyelf that he is the one trying to stay in touch.

 

I guess I care too much about my pride, but it is important to me to portray to him that it is not killing me if I dont hear from him, and that I can live quite well without him in my life, but I feel that if I contact him, this message does not come across.

[Universe]

I wouldn't mention that you have his stuff. But if and when you do hang out with him, give them to him at the end of your hanging out. Don't go out of your way and do not use it as an excuse to see him. It's a lousy excuse and is sorta manipulative. Be honest. Ask him to hang out with you if you want to hang out with him.

But remember you don;t know how he will react. But if you do decide to do it...and why not, then prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. What would that be to you? Him not responding? Probably. Or saying no...he is busy. Be prepared and try not to take whatever it is personally. If he does decide to meet you then prepare yourself if he is cold, etc.

You must be prepared for these "worst case scenarios," but don't focus on them. Just have a couple backup plans in the case things get uncomfortable. Go into it with a fun attitude. Focus on making it a positive experience overall. If he reacts in a way that disagrees with you, do not hold it against him. He is not obliged to act how you would like him to. Respect his decisions and let him feel comfortable with your presence. As always, maintain your self-respect and do not let him take you for granted. But stay positive no matter what. Negative energy can kill anything. Being positive will almost inevitably make the most of whatever situation arises.

 

I say skip the email. Just call him and ask him if he wants to hang out. Think of something that will be comfortable for both of you and most importantly, something YOU want to do.

You can speculate to high heaven why he was contacting you. But you won't know until you stick your head into his life and take a look around. Let him stick his head into your life and see that you have gotten on fine without him and are as confident, fun, and sexy as ever. And that's all you're doing. It's just a peak. Don't expect him to want to get back together. At this point, you're just finding out if it's even a possibility.

 

MOST IMPORTANT: Just enjoy yourself and try to enjoy his company. If his company isn't enjoyable, then that says something. But don't waste your energy worrying about every second and every move you make. Just enjoy yourself.

 

Good luck.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Universe,

 

thanks for your advice. I did not mean to use his clothes in a manipulative way. I was just going to ask him if he wants to pick them up, or if he wants me to send them. In the past I have sent him some of his stuff, so it would not be strange.

 

I would like to give him a call, but since he broke up with me, he has not called me once! I called him a few times and told him that I would like him to call me, but he has not. Up until recently it has only been text messages. I was shocked when I received an email, as that seemed to me like a step towards longer conversation. I mean, what can you put into a text message? And the emails he sent were really rather long.

 

Still, he has not called me, and I guess he must have a reason for it. So are you sure I should give him a call? Maybe I should stick to the mode of contact he seems to feel comfortble with?

 

Another thing, I dont think I could actually ask him to meet on the phone. Boy, I would be so nervous and probably start studdering. I mean I lived with this guy for so long, but I would feel like a girl in highschool asking for a date.

 

Thanks for your elaboration.

[Universe]

I don't know if I've read all your posts or not. I read them early on. We started posting on here at around the same time. I always like your name. I think you posted on one of my threads early on and I really liked your advice and your name. In a time of need, I thought to myself, Gottabestrong! Wouldn't have thought that to myself had it not been for you. It really helped. You never know. The simplest thing can really help sometimes.

Anyways - I don't know when the last time you spoke to him was. But as far as I know, it's been a couple months, right? Or a month?

I don't really understand the whole txt thing. It seems pointless to me. It's easier to call someone. I don't even know what sms is. But I'm a fan of actually speaking to one another. It's harder sometimes. Sometimes it's better to write a letter or an email. But everything else just get confusing.

I don't know if you should call him. But I think if you contact him at all, you should call him. He was pretty cold about leaving you I think. He told you he didn't love you anymore and that he didn't want to get back together. So that's about as bad as it gets. I mean - it's gets far worse, but that's about the worst it gets where you can still have hope. And in a way, that can be even worse.

But you still have hope and that's very important. You still want him back, correct? He's given you very little to go on. It doesn't look good. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't think there was still a chance. Be it as small as it seems, it is there. You never know.

The point is, I don't think it would really hurt anything. Yes, it could shoot you off into a very painful bout of rejection and send you deeper into the depths of pain. But you WILL learn from it. Even if you learn that there's no chance and it's really over, at least you'll know it's for sure and you can move on without the question lurking in your mind. What can I say. It's hard.

But he is contacting you. That's something. He cares. And I'm pretty sure he'll want to see you. He doesn't want you back.....yet. Otherwise, he would be calling, not texting. But that's ok. He's cracking the door.

Boy, I would be so nervous and probably start studdering.

I know what you mean. But it's ok. It's very important to you. As I said before, you must remain calm and comfortable and positive whenever you interact with him. It's ok if you get nervous. But if it becomes unmanageable, you should have an excuse to get off the phone ready.

 

OK - this post is getting incoherent. Basically, this is what I say:

 

I would call. I would. But, understand, I have a high threshold for pain. I am also very VERY certain about my love for my ex. I worry about you, though, because you obviously want to have kids and I'm afraid you might be denying yourself what you really want by going back to this guy. No matter what, before you can even consider calling him, you need to make sure that you understand your own wants and needs.

This is important and I don't think you've mentioned it: What are his reasons for not wanting kids? This is what you need to think about. Are his reasons rational, practical? Or is he just afraid of growing up? Some people will never have kids and some people will some day but are just afraid. You need to figure out which he is.

You know that you want kids, so I would think long and hard before I tried to go back to someone who you know does not. Trying to get a lover back is a lot to burden yourself with. You need to be putting yourself out there and looking for a new man. Trust me. It's healthy. I haven't hooked up with anyone new yet, but it's been good for me to get out there and meet new girls. At least leave that option open. You never know.

 

So if you can get past all that, call him and ask him to hang out. Have something fun planned. Keep it easy and comfortable. You have to create some positive experiences together before opening any kind of get-back-together dialog. Don't pressure him to get back together yet. Just try to have fun and get to know each other again. He'll undoubtedly be happy to see you. If he's not, you'll know. Just take whatever comes in stride. Don't be petty or sarcastic. Don't act like anything hurts you. Don't project any of your needs on to him. Just let it be. It is how it is and one meeting is not going to change that. You need to build up more rapport. Then wait a week or two and do it again. This is where it really gets painful because it's spread out over weeks. You have to be prepared for that. But don't stop trying to meet other people. You have to get on with living your life as if you're not going to get him back.

 

I don't know. Just call him and keep the converstation short and pleasant. Ask him to do something later that week and go from there.

 

You'll be fine. Just make sure you want to try. You have a chance. But it will take a lot out of you. Ask yourself, Is he worth it?

 

Post on here and let us know what you do and how it goes. Whatever you do, we'll be here to help you through it.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Universe,

 

thanks for your reply. It really struck a cord. I am glad you liked my name, and if it once made you feel better for a tiny moment, then I am very glad I picked it. It is basically my philosophy in this whole breakup situation.

 

Last time I spoke to him on the phone was Dec 17th. I called. He had texted me asking for the bustimes to the airport. I called him back to give him this info.

 

Sms stands for short-message-text. Just another word for text message.

 

I think he was not cold about leaving me. After all he was shaking when he told me. He assured me that he loved me, but that he just did not see a future. But that he still loved me. And the night before he moved out he told me that he thinks that he made a huge mistake and that he would like for us to not break up. Once he moved out he texted me every day saying that he loved and missed me, and made a huge mistake.

 

So the breakup itself was not hard. The hard part came two weeks later, when he told me that he had changed his mind about getting back together and needed more time alone. The really hard part was a month after that when he told me the whole "Dont love you, dont miss you, dont want you back". On the phone btw, maybe that's why I am scared of calling him.

 

>He doesn't want you back.....yet. Otherwise, he would be calling, not texting< (How do you quote properly on here?)

 

That sentence, wow. Makes a lot of sense. But if he does not want me back yet, then I think I better wait a bit more before I call him.

 

Last night I had a dream about him in which we met and he told me that he had beeing seeing some girls since he left me. Wow, that hurt, even in my dream and especially once I woke up. I dont want to hear this in real life. So maybe this dream was telling what was going to happen, if I do call and we meet up.

 

The whole kids and marriage thing: I am afraid that it is a case of "I want to marry and have children, just not with you!"

Dont know for sure but I just dont think that he really never wants to have all that. Oh, I forgot to mention he had been engaged once before. He proposed, but he also broke it off. Not because the idea of marriage and children turned him off, but because she started doing drugs.

 

So I dont know, but I think he was just turned off by my pushes for a commitment.

 

So many people, in cyberspace and in reallife, have told me to just take the chance and ask him to meet, but I have not mustered up the courage to do it yet? Why? No idea. I dont really believe that he will say no. But it might be that I think he should do the asking. If we do get back together and it was all my making, then I will not feel really happy because I had to do the chasing.

 

I think that my stupid pride is going to make sure I end up sad and lonely. But maybe it is not pride, maybe it is just selfrespect.

 

In the whole 4 months since he left me, he has never gone for more than 11 days without contacting me. Today it is 7 days, so I guess I am waiting to see if he is going to write, or if he is going to finally break the 2 weeks barrier. Will take the lead from there.

 

Thanks for all your opinions. If anybody else wants to share please jump right in.

[Gottabestrong]

I cracked today. I was checking my emails to see if he wrote me. There was nothing. so without thinking much about him I wrote him an email asking if he would like to meet up for a drink.

 

That was over 3 hours ago. Have not heard from him since. He works on the pc, so I know he has his email program all the time. So I guess it is a bad sign that I have not heard from him yet.

 

I hate waiting for a reply, and if I dont hear from him I will probably ignore this email big time.

[Gottabestrong]

I meant I will REGRET this email big time.

[ex]

hey Gottabe,

 

sit tight. In the email, you didn't write "let's go have a drink and get back together." You wrote, "Want to go have a drink?", right? He doesn't know how nervous you've been, or even that you've been thinking about him so much. Play cool. Don't send another txt or email, don't call, and definitely don't try and retract the invitation.

 

I said "play cool" up there, but I think you've got to "be cool." I know, I know, easier said than done, and I understand that all of us here are caught up with our exes. But I am starting to suspect that any meaningful reconciliation requires some moving on, if that makes any sense. I think (just an opinion, really more a conjecture) that people break up and get back together all the time, but they only stay together if some serious change/growing happens to each individual. Which requires some "moving on," while not necessarily the loss of love... from what I know about your situation, it's too early to attempt to move toward a reconciliation. Think there's a chance it will happen, but suspect it's not yet ripe. I'm definitely no expert, though. Please just take it for what it is, an anonymous opinion.

 

Good luck!

[Gottabestrong]

It is now over 4 hours since i sent him that mail. If things have not changed suddenly, he stopped working an hour ago. And he practically ALWAYS checks his mails one last time before he leaves work, so apparently he decided not to reply. Ouch!

 

I dont understand it. He could just have said that he is busy and cant. Why does he chose to ignore my message? After all the contacting that he has done lately? Maybe he is angry that I did not reply to his last mail. But as I said he did not ask anything in it.

 

Ex,

you said that you think not enough time has gone by for me and my ex to reconcile. Well, it has been 4 months already, and nearly 3 months since we last saw each other. How much longer should it take to at least get back in touch with each other?

 

And why has has he started sending me these messages, signing with Love and calling me Sweetie, but then he cant reply to a short message asking if he wants to meet for a drink?

 

I dont understand it. But I will surely take it as a rejection if I dont hear from him, and I am running out of excuse why he should take so long to get back to me.

 

Give me another hour and I will be regretting it BIG TIME already. D*mn!

[jellybean]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong on Nov 12/2004

Ex-B/f of 2.5 years broke up over a month ago because he needed space, now he says he does not love me anymore

 

Dear Gottabestrong,

 

I haven't read all your posts, but I remember the one above...

 

Why exactly do you so desperately wish to reconcile with such a man?

[Universe]

This is why I was against the email thing. I should have said so. I just wasn't thinking of it at the time. Two things: Now you're stuck waiting. And, he doesn't really know what you're after. If you'd have called and are pleasant and calm and confident, it will be less threatening because you are being friendly. The email leaves it all in the air.

But Ex is right. Sit tight. Don't retract the invitation or anything.

But I am starting to suspect that any meaningful reconciliation requires some moving on,

I completely agree. You know in your heart that you love them. But the only way you're going to get your life together in a way that will attract your ex or anyone else is to start moving on. It's not all black and white. Your feelings don't change over night. And the longer you wait to start moving on, the more you will resent your ex for taking so long to come back. The resentment makes it exponentially harder to deal with the occasion that you do see them. It's a vicious cycle that you have to break. Moving on won't make you get over them right away. Face the fact that it's going to take months, maybe years to get over them. It took me two years to really get over my girlfriend before my current ex. My current ex means a hundred times more to me than the girl prior, so I know I'm looking at a good long time before I'm over it. So I'm not concerned about taking steps to move on. I know my heart will stay broken for a long time regardless of what I do. So why feed the pain? Moving on is the only way.

Moving on doesn't mean forgetting your ex completely. That's impossible, unless you don't really love them. So just move on and do what feels good for you. If you think getting back together is the ultimate in what will make you feel good, then try to get back together. I think you can do both. Granted, trying to get your ex back will make moving on harder. But moving on will only make getting your ex back easier.

Forget it. Just re-read Ex's post. I think she's dead on!

Just go have drinks with him and establish some rapport. Be friendly and don't talk about getting back together. You're not there yet.

About your waiting for him to respond. CALM DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN! It's ok. It could easily take him a few days to respond. This is the downside to email. You gave him the option of thinking about it. So he is. He probably doesn want to seem overeager. I mean - it could be any number of things. It's useless for you to speculate. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. But don't dwell on it. Just relax and get on with your week. Get in to your own life. I'll be surprised if he doesn't respong at all. But it would be totally normal for him to take a few days to respond. But don't pine for it. It will only make you more nervous and angry. In the times I've hung out with my ex, there's been a few times when she was late. I got so ridiculously angry I almost stormed off never to speak to her again. But it turned out to be nothing. She was just a little late. Don't do that to yourself. Don't get angry. It's ok.

You put your line out. So now just relax and go about your day. There's nothing else to do.

you said that you think not enough time has gone by for me and my ex to reconcile. Well, it has been 4 months already, and nearly 3 months since we last saw each other. How much longer should it take to at least get back in touch with each other?

It's probably a good time to get back in touch. But getting back in touch is not getting back together. Getting back in touch is just one of the steps. It got to the point where he at least thought that he didn't love you anymore. And maybe he doesn't. But he did once and it's possible that that fire could be rekindled. And that starts with you taking a long hard look at yourself and understanding what really went wrong before and what you AND he can do to make it better. The next step is getting back in touch. After 4 months apart I assume you've taken the first step. So the getting back in touch step seems to be in order. But trying to get back together is a little ways off as far as your concerned.

 

Good luck. I hope this helps.

[Gottabestrong]

In reply to jellybean's post:

 

Because I still love him. It has been 4 months already, but not a day goes by without me thinking about him and missing him. lt has actually gotten worse lately, to the point that I am contemplating just leaving the country and never coming back.

 

It just hurts so much. I dont understand it. We were so close for 2.5 years, I really thought we were going to spent out lives together. I loved him so much, all the time. And even if we had arguments, I always knew and told him how I felt about him.

 

And he did the same. Just recently I read a mail he sent me last year after an argument we had. In it he told me that he loves me with all his heart, that I am the love of his life and will be so forever.

 

I cant believe that this is really over, I love him so much.

 

I hate building my whole happiness around one person, but I did, and I still do.

 

Why is this hitting me so hard? I dont get it? Other people would be happy if they heard from their ex once every couple of weeks, and I fall apart after 2 days of not hearing from him.

 

Maybe I did push him too far now, with asking for a date, but I hope I did not.

 

I am right in the middle of my exam week, but I cant concentrate on studying. I am sure I will flunk all my exams. Maybe I should not even take them.

 

I am soo falling apart here, I dont know where my strength went. A few weeks ago, I was doing better, but since he started emailing me, my hopes for reconcilliation came back and I got totally confused.

[Gottabestrong]

Originally posted by Universe

 

About your waiting for him to respond. CALM DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN! It's ok. It could easily take him a few days to respond.

 

 

Thing is, I asked him to go for drinks TONIGHT! I did not say tonight, but it was implied in my message. I said that I had a bad day at university and if he would like to get drinks to cheer me up.

 

So I think that he should know I meant tonight. I really regret writing him now. Should have just sit tight and not written a thing. Or I should have asked him what he was after with his emails. Might have put him on the spot, but at least it would have saved my pride.

 

I just had a really long talk with my sister on the phone. Talking to her I realized that I started feeling really bad only after he started emailing me. Before I was doing much better. But when he started contacting me and saying what he said, he gave me hope again.

 

Maybe that was not his intention, but he should have known that I would take it that way. So if he was only testing the waters, without planning on following up, then this was really selfish of him. He should at least suspect that I still love him, so he should be careful with giving me the wrong impression.

 

It has been 6.5 hours now and still no reply. I guess that's my answer right there.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

Maybe I did push him too far now, with asking for a date, but I hope I did not.

 

you asked him to set a date to get married? tsk tsk tsk, this is bad, very bad indeed.

 

you scared the poor boy off. he's probably in his cave right now huddled up in the fetal position and whimpering. poor guy...

[jellybean]

Dear Gottabestrong....

 

Yes, I fully understand the part about still being in love with your ex months after they dumped you...that's why NC is important, you need to heal, and you WILL eventually feel indifference towards him.

 

What I DON'T understand is : why you are not doing this, why on earth do you still desire to be with a man who is no longer in love with you?

 

He does not want reconcilliation.....and you are still not on the road to recovery because you continue to remain in contact with him.

 

You keep going back to square one...

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Jellybean,

 

why do I still desire to be with a man who is no longer in love with me? Because I still love him.

 

Why am I not doing NC? Because he still contacts me and I dont think that ignoring his messages is the way to go.

 

If he does not want reconcilliation, then why does he still contact me? Why does he still give me hope?

 

Do you think I should tell him to not contact me unless he wants to get back together? Sometimes I think this would be the best way to go, but then I read the stories of people who got back together after a breakup, and many of them were still in touch.

 

So I dont know what to do. That's my dilemma. I dont know what to do. If I could settle on one mode of 'action' then I might feel better, but I dont know what the right mode of action is. Everybody seems to have different opinions on that.