Should I ask my ex-bf to meet for a drink?

[Universe]

Gottabe,

You know what? I think you need to back up here. It doesn't sound like you've gotten on with your life without him. You must do this. You must heal yourself. Flunking your exams??? This is huge! If you are flunking exams because of him, then you are definitely not ready to get back together. You really must take a step back and look at yourself. I don't think you are truly loving yourself. If you did, you wouldn't be flunking your exams. Sure, it's ok if it affects your grades a little. Breaking up is hard and it's not easy to study under those circumstances. But you can't let it get so bad that you flunk. Have you been doing any of the things that you're supposed to do when you break up? Have you been working out everyday? Have you been reading? Have you been exploring new hobbies? Have you been meeting new people, making new friends? Have you been focussing on your work? Have you been loving yourself?

These are all pre-requisites. You cannot move forward without doing ALL of them. I get the impression that you've just been doing NC and missing him to death. You can't do that. NC or not. You must be proactive in making yourself independently strong and comfortable.

The most important thing that breaking up made me realize is that she was not always going to be there. That was my major downfall in the relationship. I didn't really believe that we would ever be apart. I didn't believe that she might be taken away from me. It took breaking up for me to realize that. And now we may be apart forever.

You need to start living your life as you would if he were gone forever. That doesn't mean you have to forget him. You just have to not forget yourself. You are all you have in this world. You can't count on anyone else to love except for you. Once you do, you open the door for others to love you. Once you love your independent self, you can begin sharing your love with someone else.

So forget about getting drinks with him for now. You need to buckle down and study for your exams. If you don't, it is a clear indication that you do not love yourself and, therefore, cannot possibly love him. Further, he cannot possibly love you if you are not loving yourself.

Put him to rest for now. Go study!

 

Study, study, study!

 

OK?

[ex]

Yikes, you sound like you are in so much pain.

 

Originally posted by Gottabestrong

Ex,

you said that you think not enough time has gone by for me and my ex to reconcile. Well, it has been 4 months already, and nearly 3 months since we last saw each other. How much longer should it take to at least get back in touch with each other?

 

Well, Gottabe, the thing is, I'm not a love psychologist or anything. I have no idea how many months it takes for the average person to stop loving the person they broke up with, much less for you or your ex specifically, or anything like that. People who do seem to get back together seem to take anywhere between a few hours and many years.

 

The reason I said it is too soon is because you are so obviously still driving yourself crazy over this guy, and getting nutters about this email. I'm sure you've done some moving on - sometimes you do sound really strong about your situation - but I would think you should wait to try and reconcile until... well, until it's not going to give you a heart attack if he doesn't respond to an email, for instance. Next time, before you do anything, text/email/call/whatever, anticipate possible consequences, both good and bad, and try and make sure you can handle whatever reaction, or lack thereof, you might get. Otherwise, you should do nothing.

 

The email invitation you sent is almost INCONSEQUENTIAL. You asked him to hang, what's the big deal? Probably, he was unsure how he felt about that, and decided not to respond. What's the big deal? Didn't you already know that he's been feeling ambivalent? Listen, I can almost guarantee you that your invitation is not going to make or break your chances for a second chance. So please just try and relax.

 

Iif you feel like you are really losing it, and as you're at a university (and probably have access to an excellent after hours facility), you might consider getting yourself some xanax or other anti-anxiety meds. (I'm not being facetious; I wish I'd taken better advantage of the mental health resources when I was in school.)

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Universe,

 

Originally posted by Universe

Have you been doing any of the things that you're supposed to do when you break up? Have you been working out everyday? Have you been reading? Have you been exploring new hobbies? Have you been meeting new people, making new friends? Have you been focussing on your work? Have you been loving yourself?

 

Working out? No. Reading? Lots. New hobbies? Not really. New people and friends? yes, a few. Work? Made lots of extra shifts. Loving myself? Dont know, hope so.

 

Since he broke up with me what I have been doing mostly is working and going to university. Took one trip to Canada and spent many weekends with family and friends. So I guess I did as much as I could.

[Gottabestrong]

So here is what happened.

 

I did not hear from him at all yesterday. This morning while at university, I received a text from him in which he said that he only just got my email and that he was going to call me later on.

 

So he called at 6pm and we spoke for about 10 minutes. Then he said that he had to get off the phone as he was getting on the bus and I thought that was that. But to my surprise he said that he was gonna call me later.

 

He called again at 9pm and we spoke for about 35 minutes. We just updated each other about everything that had happened and about plans we had for the future.

 

Then we kinda ran out of things to say and he started saying goodbye. He said a few things like: Take care, good luck for your exams, dont work too hard,.. and I said 'It was good talking to you, give me a call or send me an email sometime. To which he replied, 'Yeah, maybe we can arrange something, sometime.'

 

So, he did not ask to meet up some other time, which I guess means that he is not interested in reconcilliation. He just seems to care about me like a human being or a friend. Luckily, while we talked, I did not feel like "I love him, I need him back", but it felt more like I was talking to a good old friend. Very comfortable and intimate with each other, but no sparks.

 

Hmm, guess getting back together is not in the cards. But maybe we can be friends. Right now I feel comfortable with that, but who knows how I will feel in a few days.

 

Thanks a lot for your posts, they really helped get through the last few days and especially yesterday.

 

If you want to comment on my story, you are very welcome to.

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

Hmm, guess getting back together is not in the cards. But maybe we can be friends

 

Gottabestrong, forget about the friends thing, while you have feelings for him it will break you in two trying this impossible task

 

for your own sake you gotta break contact with this guy and keep it that way

 

i'm in the same rotten boat as you at present and it stinks

 

force yourself to do the exams and well, someday you'll look back and go 'look what i achieved despite the adversityi was experiencing'