maintaining "normalcy" at home

[Waverly]

This question is mainly for those MM or MW who are or have been in an affair: how do you do it? While I was in the EA and then the brief PA, I found myself doing that typical thing, where the more invested I became in my AP, the more I withdrew from my H.

 

The affair has been over for months, and my H has no idea. I know I still need to figure out whether to tell him or not; that's a good and very very valid question, but not one I'm trying to focus this thread on. Since my A ended, I have felt myself re-investing in my marriage and our relationship, but I know what I did, and so there's a part of me that still feels that wall there. Not to get into TMI, but we weren't intimate at all during the period I was having the A (this is an area where we have problems anyway, and there were lots of other stressors to point to; really though, the A was a huge factor). Since then, it's... almost never. I just can't bring myself to feel that close to him when I know how I betrayed him and our marriage.

 

Since the A ended, I've obviously been depressed. Again, there are some other things I can point to when my husband asks me what's wrong. But it's disingenuous at best.

 

So, how do you do it? Is it just a compartmentalization thing? (something I'm not very good at under the best of circumstances). Once it's ended, assuming there wasn't a D-day, did you ever feel like things went back to "normal"? It's always in my head right now; even when we're having a good moment, I'll suddenly have that flash of "oh sh*t, I totally did this awful thing to you" go through my head. Does that ever go away, with or without a D-day?

 

Again, I know I'm opening myself up here to be told that I need to confess. That's fair, but not what I'm really asking.

[Clay]

Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Maybe get into counseling?

If no on the kids, Why stay married?

 

If you have not been married long. Why stay married?

 

Get into counseling regardless.

 

Its up to you if you don't ever want to tell him but if your intentions are ever to stay married I would seriously consider you be the one that tells him. He finds out on his own and chances are you will be in the divorce section asking for advice there.

 

Clay

[Waverly]

Do you have kids? How long have you been married? Maybe get into counseling?

If no on the kids, Why stay married?

 

If you have not been married long. Why stay married?

 

Get into counseling regardless.

 

Its up to you if you don't ever want to tell him but if your intentions are ever to stay married I would seriously consider you be the one that tells him. He finds out on his own and chances are you will be in the divorce section asking for advice there.

 

Clay

 

I have two young kids. I've actually been in individual counseling for a few months now.

 

I do know the sword hanging over my head if I choose not to tell and he ever finds out. I'd like to tell myself that there's no way he would -- there's no emails, texts, letters, etc.; my xAP lives thousands of miles away and we have no friends in common, etc., etc., etc. -- but I also know that hey, nobody expects to get caught. You never know. If I don't tell, I have to live with that possibility, as well as the general guilt that's already hanging over me. Trust me, I get it.

[Clay]

I am a BS and I get it too. I am not trying to be mean I am just thinking the obvious. Your not in love with your husband. You can pretend you are and act like nothing is wrong but at some point it will all come out. Now how you deal with this is up to you. I personally think you probably should look to leaving your marriage and try return to a happier healthy you. There is nothing wrong with leaving a marriage if you are no longer happy. You never have to tell your husband the truth. You can find someone you will fall in love with. Understand relationships are a two way street. At someone hes going to see your unhappiness long enough and start questioning how happy he is. He might check out with someone else and never tell you.

 

Its better to try to create a world in which you both can have a healthy co parenting relationship.

 

 

The weird thing is the other day I listened to a war of the roses and the guy found out his wife was cheating on him because she talked in her sleep.

 

 

 

Clay

[ladydesigner]

Once it's ended, assuming there wasn't a D-day, did you ever feel like things went back to "normal"? It's always in my head right now; even when we're having a good moment, I'll suddenly have that flash of "oh sh*t, I totally did this awful thing to you" go through my head. Does that ever go away, with or without a D-day?

 

I did not disclose my RA to my WH until I discovered yet another A he had with MOW, 4 years later. I can tell you that yes I had those walls you describe and I no longer have them since confessing my A. It did eat away at me as much as I hated to admit. I consistently stood my ground here at LS on not confessing until I finally did. Confessing allowed my WH the choice to make a decision about his life and I wanted him to know what I had done. It was not easy .

 

As far as normal goes, it's as normal as it's going to get I don't think any M returns to normal after an A unfortunately.

[BetrayedH]

guy found out his wife was cheating on him because she talked in her sleep.

 

This happens more often than you might think.

 

Waverly, do you think it's going to go away for YOU? I mean, some people are great at compartmentalizing but that doesn't really matter since it is you we're talking about here, you know?

[Waverly]

This happens more often than you might think.

 

Waverly, do you think it's going to go away for YOU? I mean, some people are great at compartmentalizing but that doesn't really matter since it is you we're talking about here, you know?

 

It's funny, in a way: a few years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, because my husband was talking in his sleep to someone named "xxxxx" (not my name). I've always given him a teasing hard time about it.

 

Like I said, I'm decidedly not great at compartmentalizing. So...no. I don't really feel like it will ever go away for me. (I realize that leads full-circle back to exactly the question I was hoping to avoid...) I guess because I know I'm having such a hard time with it, I'm curious how other people manage it? I know that sounds kind of messed up.

 

Clay, I didn't think you were being mean. Your questions are exactly the ones I'm grappling with at the moment.

Edited March 16, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Made the personal name anonymous. Retained the original content.

[Snowflower]

This question is mainly for those MM or MW who are or have been in an affair: how do you do it? While I was in the EA and then the brief PA, I found myself doing that typical thing, where the more invested I became in my AP, the more I withdrew from my H.

 

The affair has been over for months, and my H has no idea. I know I still need to figure out whether to tell him or not; that's a good and very very valid question, but not one I'm trying to focus this thread on. Since my A ended, I have felt myself re-investing in my marriage and our relationship, but I know what I did, and so there's a part of me that still feels that wall there. Not to get into TMI, but we weren't intimate at all during the period I was having the A (this is an area where we have problems anyway, and there were lots of other stressors to point to; really though, the A was a huge factor). Since then, it's... almost never. I just can't bring myself to feel that close to him when I know how I betrayed him and our marriage.

 

Since the A ended, I've obviously been depressed. Again, there are some other things I can point to when my husband asks me what's wrong. But it's disingenuous at best.

 

So, how do you do it? Is it just a compartmentalization thing? (something I'm not very good at under the best of circumstances). Once it's ended, assuming there wasn't a D-day, did you ever feel like things went back to "normal"? It's always in my head right now; even when we're having a good moment, I'll suddenly have that flash of "oh sh*t, I totally did this awful thing to you" go through my head. Does that ever go away, with or without a D-day?

 

Again, I know I'm opening myself up here to be told that I need to confess. That's fair, but not what I'm really asking.

 

Okay, waverly, first of all, you sound like a sweet person and I don't say that a lot over here on this side. Honestly though, you sound conscientious and caring. And, I am a fBW and not a MM/MW so what I say may not be useful but I felt compelled to respond.

 

Anyway, I bolded the parts of your OP that lead me to ask you if this is the way you want to live your life? Do you want to not be able to be close to your H ever again, even if you love him? This unspoken wall will be between you and that is so unfair to him and to you.

 

Really, love, life and marriage should be more than that and heck, marriage is hard enough as it is even without that barrier between spouses.

 

So, I think this is what you need to ask yourself, if you are okay with living in a marriage where there will always be that barrier. You will know it is there, your husband may not but that barrier of unspoken truths will muffle your marriage and future happiness.

 

Also, something else to consider, if your H finds out somehow at some point years down the road, whether you finally break down and confess, or he finds evidence in another way, he might likely feel that years were stolen from him.

 

In that scenario, you live in agony now and then he would live in it later.

 

Finally, do you love your H in what I call "that way?" Do you want to be married to him?

 

You don't have to answer any of this here, its just food for thought.

[herself]

I didn't feel guilt, and I seemed to stay close to my H the entire time.

Strangely I thought our marriage was in many ways better during EA since I felt happy & joyful overall, I was able to seperate the two men but still feel joy with both.

 

Back to you, if u decide to disclose A with your husband, maybe do it in presence of counselor so you feel more brave. But also just a thought, if your H doesnt decide to wanr to reconcile after the news, it may be ok for you, though sad, the bottom line is you will find relief either way, and will also find freedom.

 

I am personally never going to disclose. Its over, and I will pay the price alone, and not hurt him.

The end of the A somehow already brought us closer. I drew strength to just give him my all and he responded to it and drew closer to me in turn.

 

Its a tough call for you, only you can know. Have a few more sessions of counseling focused only on that as it does seem to be the core right now is...."do u stay married"

 

Out of curiosity, did u ever run it by xAP about telling your husband about A?

If so, his reaction?

[jwi71]

This question is mainly for those MM or MW who are or have been in an affair: how do you do it? While I was in the EA and then the brief PA, I found myself doing that typical thing, where the more invested I became in my AP, the more I withdrew from my H.

 

All of this is very normal human behavior. You withdrew from your H because you invested in your AP. It makes perfect sense.

 

Much like the fallacy of "the one" (the one true, destined for you fate made in heaven type of malarkey) - the "one" is ANYONE - more specifically, its the one YOU invest in.

I just can't bring myself to feel that close to him when I know how I betrayed him and our marriage.

This is a big problem imo. If this secret, this lie, prevents you from reconnecting - then you and your IC need to delve into it. The obvious answer is - tell him. But the obvious answer may not be the right answer - that's for YOU to decide.

 

But really, is it fair to anyone to live like this? To be in a marriage where, while together, you are apart?

 

Since the A ended, I've obviously been depressed. Again, there are some other things I can point to when my husband asks me what's wrong. But it's disingenuous at best.

Hard to reconnect when you hold yourself back. And that's what this is, holding parts of YOU from HIM (your H). How can you invest in your M and your H when you hold back? How does it get better with this in between you?

 

So, how do you do it? Is it just a compartmentalization thing? (something I'm not very good at under the best of circumstances). Once it's ended, assuming there wasn't a D-day, did you ever feel like things went back to "normal"? It's always in my head right now; even when we're having a good moment, I'll suddenly have that flash of "oh sh*t, I totally did this awful thing to you" go through my head. Does that ever go away, with or without a D-day?

I don't know.

For me, I would not WANT this secret festering - this sword of damocles hanging over my head.

 

Life is stressful enough with all the crap we CAN'T control - I wouldn't choose to add to it and keep the sword dangling. Maybe it means confession, maybe it means learning to comfortably lie about, maybe it means a D. I don't know. It is, as I said earlier - YOUR choice.

 

Again, I know I'm opening myself up here to be told that I need to confess. That's fair, but not what I'm really asking.

I'm not sure anyone CAN answer this.

You have, repeatedly, stated this secret keeping is antithesis to you. That suggests asking your IC to help you anesthetize that part of you so that lying is easier - that your conscious be given a kind of "guilt" lobotomy. I'm not sure an IC would help with that - mostly because I find that behavior harmful and De-humanizing. Your IC though, maybe wiling and able to help you.

 

Explore that there.

 

I wish I had more to offer other than a verbose "I don't know".

[Clay]

I didn't feel guilt, and I seemed to stay close to my H the entire time.

 

This is referred as indifference. This should be a wake up call to you to get out of your marriage. It does not sound like the OP is at that point. I hope for her sake she deals with her issues and either fixes her marriage or gets out.

 

I am personally never going to disclose. Its over, and I will pay the price alone, and not hurt him.

This is the part the OP really needs to pay attention to. If your affair was every exposed and you have children you would not be the only one that pays the price. Your children would as well. Exposing your affair on your own give you the chance to control the exposure to the children and minimize the damage they will receive. The OP does have children and she really needs to put them upfront in this issue.

 

 

I discover my xW affairs on my own. The damage to the kids were irreparable. Its been seven years since the divorce and they still have issues with it. My xW did not win anything in all of this. She only gets to see the kids four days a month. So I personally recommend OP you deal with this in a controlled environment as much as possible for your children's sake.

 

 

Clay

[Waverly]

I didn't feel guilt, and I seemed to stay close to my H the entire time.

Strangely I thought our marriage was in many ways better during EA since I felt happy & joyful overall, I was able to seperate the two men but still feel joy with both.

 

Back to you, if u decide to disclose A with your husband, maybe do it in presence of counselor so you feel more brave. But also just a thought, if your H doesnt decide to wanr to reconcile after the news, it may be ok for you, though sad, the bottom line is you will find relief either way, and will also find freedom.

 

I am personally never going to disclose. Its over, and I will pay the price alone, and not hurt him.

The end of the A somehow already brought us closer. I drew strength to just give him my all and he responded to it and drew closer to me in turn.

 

Its a tough call for you, only you can know. Have a few more sessions of counseling focused only on that as it does seem to be the core right now is...."do u stay married"

 

Out of curiosity, did u ever run it by xAP about telling your husband about A?

If so, his reaction?

 

In a way, I'm really jealous of this. I wish I were able to think of this as a separate category and not let it effect my relationship with my H.

 

Yes, my xAP and I have talked about whether we would ever tell our spouses. He's terrified of not having his kids full-time, and so is determined to never tell his wife, no matter what the internal consequences for himself, or the unfairness for her. He knows that I struggle a lot more with the decision as to whether to tell or not; his reaction to that is mixed. Mainly, I think he feels terrible for how this all played out, and he's hopeful that I'll be able to "fix" things with my husband. He always just told me to give it more time. (Also, how weird is it to get marital advice from this person??)

[Waverly]

This is a big problem imo. If this secret, this lie, prevents you from reconnecting - then you and your IC need to delve into it. The obvious answer is - tell him. But the obvious answer may not be the right answer - that's for YOU to decide.

 

I genuinely didn't mean to start a "should I tell" thread, but I guess that is sort of what it all comes down to, huh?

 

Hard to reconnect when you hold yourself back. And that's what this is, holding parts of YOU from HIM (your H). How can you invest in your M and your H when you hold back? How does it get better with this in between you?

 

Life is stressful enough with all the crap we CAN'T control - I wouldn't choose to add to it and keep the sword dangling. Maybe it means confession, maybe it means learning to comfortably lie about, maybe it means a D. I don't know. It is, as I said earlier - YOUR choice.

 

I don't know either, of course. You're right that the secret-keeping is antithetical to who I am, and (more accurately) who I want to be moving forward. I don't want to lie about it, but I also want to know that I'm committed to reconciling before I consider bringing it up. I guess my question was (and I don't expect you to have the answer to this) is whether this can eventually become something that I'm able to live with and pack away, if it's something that does fade with time, or if the guilt/shadows never really go away.. There's a very very real possibility that they just don't, and I'm just now starting to really understand that.

 

I wish I had more to offer other than a verbose "I don't know".

 

No, no, the verbose "I don't know" is quite welcome, actually. It's all good food for thought, and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share their points of view.

[BetrayedH]

If you choke this down, my prediction is that someday years in the future, you will eventually confess. Based on stats I've seen, about half of affairs go unknown to the BS and of those that are known, half were discovered and half were confessed. You're in the half that will eventually fess up because of unresolved guilt. Sadly, from your husband's perspective the lies will not have gotten better with age. He will remember many times where he expressed concern over your depression and was dismissed with some lie. He will feel that years have been stolen from him and your infidelity will feel like it just happened yesterday.

[Waverly]

Okay, waverly, first of all, you sound like a sweet person and I don't say that a lot over here on this side. Honestly though, you sound conscientious and caring. And, I am a fBW and not a MM/MW so what I say may not be useful but I felt compelled to respond.

 

Anyway, I bolded the parts of your OP that lead me to ask you if this is the way you want to live your life? Do you want to not be able to be close to your H ever again, even if you love him? This unspoken wall will be between you and that is so unfair to him and to you.

 

Really, love, life and marriage should be more than that and heck, marriage is hard enough as it is even without that barrier between spouses.

 

So, I think this is what you need to ask yourself, if you are okay with living in a marriage where there will always be that barrier. You will know it is there, your husband may not but that barrier of unspoken truths will muffle your marriage and future happiness.

 

Also, something else to consider, if your H finds out somehow at some point years down the road, whether you finally break down and confess, or he finds evidence in another way, he might likely feel that years were stolen from him.

 

In that scenario, you live in agony now and then he would live in it later.

 

Finally, do you love your H in what I call "that way?" Do you want to be married to him?

 

You don't have to answer any of this here, its just food for thought.

 

Thanks, Sunflower. I appreciate your reply. Short answer? No, of course I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

 

Part of me feels like this: my husband was always my best friend. We have two wonderful children together. His family is scattered around the country; my family has become his as well. (For better or worse is a good descriptor of that...). If the "grass is greener where you water it", then heck, maybe I just need to bust out the hose and start focusing on that, put this all behind me, and whatever guilt is still there is my problem to deal with.

 

But part of me does wonder. Not only do I know I'm being amazingly unfair to him right now in not giving him a full and clear choice in how he lives his life, but I also wonder if I'm just kidding myself. I cheated on him, in pretty much every sense of it. If I was willing to do that.... well, then things clearly weren't as great as I tried to convince myself they were.

 

Anyway. I really did intend this more as an abstract question, but I guess it does circle back to the tell or not question, much as I'd like to keep avoiding it.

 

Thanks again for the reply. I always flinch a little bit when I see a BS reply; I always end up impressed though when they are able to step outside of their position in the triangle and offer some sound advice. Hypocritical as it may be, I'm not sure I'd be that level-headed about it.

[rumbleseat]

How keeping this a secret will affect the rest of your life and M depends on you.

If you are basically an honest person, keeping this secret may eat away at you, as I'm sure you know, they have a way of slowly poisoning your very being. You may find it harder and harder to lie, and this will make it harder and harder to have the kind of relationship with your H that you want to have.

 

The paradox is that the longer you keep it to yourself, the more it damages you and the harder it is to not let it slip out. Meanwhile, the longer you lie to your h, the more it's going to hurt him to know about the A.

 

The more time that goes by, the less talking to him about the a becomes about you wanting to be honest for your H and M and the more it becomes about you wanting to assuage your guilt.

 

If one bases their opinion of you solely on the words you write, you are the type who is basically honest and kind hearted. This will eat away at you.

[BetrayedH]

I cheated on him, in pretty much every sense of it. If I was willing to do that.... well, then things clearly weren't as great as I tried to convince myself they were.

 

Hmm. Meant gently, was your decision to cheat about your husband/marriage or was it about you? I'm not sure if your decision to cheat is really a reflection of the state of your marriage and even you seem to be using a stretch of logic to convince yourself. Some people cheat even with perfectly good spouses, even by their own admission. Some people never cheat, even in an awful marriage. This leads me to believe that the decision to cheat is a very personal one that's more about the person making the decision than it is about the circumstances around them. Is it really your husband's fault that you made this choice?

[Snowflower]

-snip-

 

Mainly, I think he feels terrible for how this all played out, and he's hopeful that I'll be able to "fix" things with my husband. He always just told me to give it more time. (Also, how weird is it to get marital advice from this person??)

 

Actually, I don't think it is all that weird to get marital advice from an AP. My H gave lots of marital advice to his OW. A lot of it was from my H's perspective as a guy, in how she might she address issues she had with her H. So yes, it happens!

 

 

 

 

Anyway. I really did intend this more as an abstract question, but I guess it does circle back to the tell or not question, much as I'd like to keep avoiding it.

 

Thanks again for the reply. I always flinch a little bit when I see a BS reply; I always end up impressed though when they are able to step outside of their position in the triangle and offer some sound advice. Hypocritical as it may be, I'm not sure I'd be that level-headed about it.

 

I know, it does all circle around to the tell or not to tell dilemma. I tried to avoid that in my post to you because I know you specifically didn't want to talk about that.

 

I also don't like it when there is a WS such as yourself on here considering what to do and a bunch of posters (usually BS's) almost browbeat the WS here into confessing. So that is why I try not to get on the "you should tell" bandwagon. It's your life and marriage and you live with the consequences no matter what while no one here has to deal with the fallout.

 

Why do you flinch when you see a BS reply? Does it remind you of your H, or MM's wife? Or have BSs been a bit harsh here?

 

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide. I mean that sincerely.

[Waverly]

Actually, I don't think it is all that weird to get marital advice from an AP. My H gave lots of marital advice to his OW. A lot of it was from my H's perspective as a guy, in how she might she address issues she had with her H. So yes, it happens!

 

I know, it does all circle around to the tell or not to tell dilemma. I tried to avoid that in my post to you because I know you specifically didn't want to talk about that.

 

I also don't like it when there is a WS such as yourself on here considering what to do and a bunch of posters (usually BS's) almost browbeat the WS here into confessing. So that is why I try not to get on the "you should tell" bandwagon. It's your life and marriage and you live with the consequences no matter what while no one here has to deal with the fallout.

 

Why do you flinch when you see a BS reply? Does it remind you of your H, or MM's wife? Or have BSs been a bit harsh here?

 

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide. I mean that sincerely.

 

Thanks again. I guess I "flinch" (that's possibly overstated) for all of those reasons. Nobody here has actually been particularly harsh with me, but I've certainly seen it in other threads. In addition to that, I guess it's also just that I know I'm in the wrong here, and I know I made some bad choices, so it's that sort of feeling like you are going to be (deservedly) chastised for something, you know? I know I messed up, and I know I got myself into this mess, and hearing from the "victim", even if by proxy, does remind me of all of that.

 

That said, I actually really appreciate the perspectives, so please don't take this as my saying that I wish you wouldn't reply! Quite the contrary.

[Waverly]

The paradox is that the longer you keep it to yourself, the more it damages you and the harder it is to not let it slip out. Meanwhile, the longer you lie to your h, the more it's going to hurt him to know about the A.

 

The more time that goes by, the less talking to him about the a becomes about you wanting to be honest for your H and M and the more it becomes about you wanting to assuage your guilt.

 

Yeah...honestly, that's what I'm afraid of. I guess, in some deluded part of my brain, I was hoping someone would come in and say "hey, don't worry! it will all fade away with time, and you'll be able to get back to your life!". Ha.

[Waverly]

Hmm. Meant gently, was your decision to cheat about your husband/marriage or was it about you? I'm not sure if your decision to cheat is really a reflection of the state of your marriage and even you seem to be using a stretch of logic to convince yourself. Some people cheat even with perfectly good spouses, even by their own admission. Some people never cheat, even in an awful marriage. This leads me to believe that the decision to cheat is a very personal one that's more about the person making the decision than it is about the circumstances around them. Is it really your husband's fault that you made this choice?

 

No, of course it wasn't his fault. Whatever our problems, the decision to cheat was mine. I take full responsibility for it. I guess what I meant was that if I had really been happy, I wouldn't have done it. That's on me though. It's sort of a nebulous area between saying our marriage wasn't great and I wasn't happy...but no. It's definitely not my husband's fault. It was all about me and these unresolved questions I had. (And no, that doesn't make it okay.)

 

I appreciate the gentle approach.

[Clay]

So what are your plans? Are you considering leaving? Have you told him you are not feeling in love with him anymore? I get avoiding telling him about your affair but where do you feel you stand now?

 

 

Clay

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Waverly,

 

I didn't really have to deal with both at the same time as my A happened when my H and I were long distance. It ended around the same time that he moved back. It was tough at first because I still was obsessing a bit over xOM. But as I turned my mind toward my H, I began to see all his positives and why I was with him in the first place.

 

There were times when I wanted to tell him but was just too, too afraid. I was a coward I fully admit, in many ways. But then I found out I had an STD and so I told him. It wasn't pretty. I worked on me and we worked on us, and over four years later we're doing very well, and now have a toddler.

 

I'm not sure if I would've done the hard work, however, without a d-day. I did feel guilty and scared and I knew it would hurt him. But I don't think I would've fully addressed my bad coping skills and eventually would've contacted xOM again, when other things weren't going well.

 

I am one who advocates confessing; only because in my experience, it pushed me to change. It put both my H and I on level playing fields, in terms of the A and all of our other issues. I do wish we could've gotten to that level playing field another way though.

 

That choice is yours, though I do have to agree with Rumbleseat that the longer you wait, the worse it will be for your H if it comes out.

 

So, to answer your question...yes, I have maintained normalcy at home...but only because everything is on the table. To be honest I don't know if I could've long term if d-day didn't happen.

 

Hope this helps...

[Waverly]

So what are your plans? Are you considering leaving? Have you told him you are not feeling in love with him anymore? I get avoiding telling him about your affair but where do you feel you stand now?

 

 

Clay

 

I honestly don't know what my plans are. Sometimes I consider leaving. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I think that I need to just wait for things to calm down in my head a little bit before I can even contemplate making those kinds of decisions.

 

We were comfortable before. We've never been a really passionate couple, but we were comfortable and happy and pre-affair, I never would have considered leaving. Now, I don't know.

 

I've told him that I feel really disconnected from him.

[Waverly]

Hi Waverly,

 

I didn't really have to deal with both at the same time as my A happened when my H and I were long distance. It ended around the same time that he moved back. It was tough at first because I still was obsessing a bit over xOM. But as I turned my mind toward my H, I began to see all his positives and why I was with him in the first place.

 

There were times when I wanted to tell him but was just too, too afraid. I was a coward I fully admit, in many ways. But then I found out I had an STD and so I told him. It wasn't pretty. I worked on me and we worked on us, and over four years later we're doing very well, and now have a toddler.

 

I'm not sure if I would've done the hard work, however, without a d-day. I did feel guilty and scared and I knew it would hurt him. But I don't think I would've fully addressed my bad coping skills and eventually would've contacted xOM again, when other things weren't going well.

 

I am one who advocates confessing; only because in my experience, it pushed me to change. It put both my H and I on level playing fields, in terms of the A and all of our other issues. I do wish we could've gotten to that level playing field another way though.

 

That choice is yours, though I do have to agree with Rumbleseat that the longer you wait, the worse it will be for your H if it comes out.

 

So, to answer your question...yes, I have maintained normalcy at home...but only because everything is on the table. To be honest I don't know if I could've long term if d-day didn't happen.

 

Hope this helps...

 

It does, thanks for the reply.

 

I know I keep dodging the "tell or not tell" conversation (I also know I can't avoid it forever).

 

I was thinking today about exactly what you mentioned, and turning my attention back to my husband. The truth, if I really think about it, is that I knew my xAP had feelings for me for years, and I never did anything about it. I married my husband instead. As mixed up as I am now, I am trying to remind myself of that, and remind myself that I chose him. Yes, things were much more complicated than that, and I can twist it around to fit whatever scenario I want, if I really try. But I chose to marry my husband, and I had good reasons for it, and I'm trying to get back to those.

 

I'm glad things worked out for you in the end, even if it was a difficult process getting there.