Why do I do this....

[Yumi]

I am really great at sabotaging my own relationships I guess... I don't really have a specific problem but none of my friends seem to want to listen... if anyone wants to listen to my story and just give me some feedback I'd appreciate it, I figure you wouldn't come here if you didn't want to listen...

 

My boyfriend and I have been getting along GREAT ever since our trip around New Year, and we have plans to see each other again in March, which as far as he is telling me, his family now approves of or at least accepts. I know a lot of people here don't agree with meeting online or loving someone who lives in another country... BUT I think should reiterate that even before we met, I have been planning for about 3 years to spend my junior year of college (next year) at a school which is fairly close to his school. Because of that, I felt (and DO feel I guess) that meeting him and falling in love was fate, because our futures DO coincide. (for the record, I didn't know he lived in the Tokyo area when we met and didn't know that our schools were close until about two months ago... we've been together for four months) So, this isn't someone I'll never be able to see again. I know some people think that I'm just creating a fantasy in my head... well, maybe I WAS before we met, but now I'm not and I think that's part of the problem... not that the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy but that the fantasy doesn't live up to the reality.

 

I feel that I'm missing him at a level that is potentially unhealthy... and now that I know what we can be like in person, talking online doesn't seem as special anymore. My friends who are a couple and met online 4 years ago are telling me that this is normal, that this is going to be the hardest time... the time between knowing that I DO want to be with this guy and the time when I'm actually able to do so. The silly thing is, I also miss Japan at a level that is really strange considering I've never lived there... I'll find myself in tears remembering an ATM or something... I think I'm going crazy... maybe I just hate LA too much...

 

Talking on the phone is the only thing that seems MORE special since we met in person, because I can imagine what he must be doing, where he must be sitting, when he talks to me. Of course, phone calls are prohibitively expensive.

 

Last week, two things happened: My boyfriend had to go to Osaka for a funeral, and my car broke. Therefore I was stuck at home alone for about 5 days. I did go out with some friends one night, so for about 4 days I really didn't see anyone else, I couldn't even go to work, and all I wanted was to talk to him, but I couldn't. He did send me a few e-mail messages from his cell phone, but because he was staying at someone else's house we could talk on the phone or ICQ. When he came back, the first thing we did was fight. I don't even know what we were fighting about, we were just both mad at each other. I'm not mad that he went out of town, I actually think it's sweet that he went so far for his family. I tihnk he was mainly upset because he didn't know why I was mad... I don't know why I was mad either. I considered suggesting that we take about a week off, but we just did that and it seems to have created the problem. He's offering to do anything I want to make me happy, and I know he would... but I think the only things that would help would be to see him again. And we're going to do that in March, so I SHOULD be happy, right?

 

I'm getting frustrated because we don't have any money... actually, if we stay at each other's houses and no hotels, we could see each other every month until I go there to study... but I tihnk he should be saving for the future... it's not QUITE as imperative for me since I have two more years of school, but he needs to get a job and find his own place soon.... (he's still in school, don't think I found one of those 30 year olds who's happy ot live off his mom or something! But he'll graduate soon) I don't know that either of us can get a stellar job just becasue of lack of connections, and we don't want to go to grad school... He says he wants to marry me, and I want to be with him forever... but the problem is, I'm getting the impression that he wants to marry me in 5 or 10 years... until I have that piece of paper to get a visa, I can't live in Japan and we can't be together... on the other hand, we can't even think about it until I'm out of school so I don't want to be pushy about it NOW....

 

I know I'm thinking too far ahead... I know I'm worrying too much... I SHOULD just look forward to March, but I've always been like this... worrying about how the things I do now will affect my future... I know, if I don't get married to SOMEONE, my only future is working at my mom's store... While I LIKE doing that, I can't bear the thought of a life witohut my own family...

 

And I'm digressing. I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I feel so sad.... He seems willing to do anytihng to make me happy again, and I know that I want to stay with him... so what's the problem? I wish I knew.... Well even if no one replies, just typing it out made me feel better... sorry tihs is long but if anyone has any ideas, feel free....

[Tony T]

You place a heavy burden on this man because only YOU can make yourself happy. You seem to go absolutely out of your way to make yourself miserable.

 

When he came back from Osaka from a friend's funeral, instead of being sympathetic and supportive, you fought with him. That was pretty lame. You really know how to get a guy to love you forever, don't you.

 

You really don't sound like a happy camper. You say he may not be ready for marriage for a few years, but I don't think you will be either. Until you can be happy with yourself independent of and irrespective of all other people and circumstances, you will be miserable in everything you do. It is you who creates your happiness so you may as well get some books on happiness from the library and start reading now.

 

I'm glad typing all that stuff out made you feel better. You need to read what you wrote over and over and look at it as a dispassionate observer would read it. Then you will see the things you need to work on.

 

By the way, there are long distance services where you can talk to Japan for as little as 16 cents a minute. Go to your favorite search engine and enter: long distance service in the search field. You can talk to him for 20 minutes for just over $3. I have AT&T and the charge to Japan is 16 cents per minute. They also have special deals where they give you so many overseas minutes for FREE...you just have to talk them into it. Do a little negotiating. It's fun.

 

All your other situations can be worked out with a cool head. And if you aren't able to see him for a while, don't try to upset yourself so much. The very best thing we can do while we are on this planet is be kind and nice to ourselves. Our personal kindness to ourselves is about the only treatment we have control over.

[liar liar]

I totally agree with Tony! The people here will make you see things in a much different light,but you have to be open & willing to listen. Hope it all works out for the both of you.

You place a heavy burden on this man because only YOU can make yourself happy. You seem to go absolutely out of your way to make yourself miserable. When he came back from Osaka from a friend's funeral, instead of being sympathetic and supportive, you fought with him. That was pretty lame. You really know how to get a guy to love you forever, don't you. You really don't sound like a happy camper. You say he may not be ready for marriage for a few years, but I don't think you will be either. Until you can be happy with yourself independent of and irrespective of all other people and circumstances, you will be miserable in everything you do. It is you who creates your happiness so you may as well get some books on happiness from the library and start reading now. I'm glad typing all that stuff out made you feel better. You need to read what you wrote over and over and look at it as a dispassionate observer would read it. Then you will see the things you need to work on. By the way, there are long distance services where you can talk to Japan for as little as 16 cents a minute. Go to your favorite search engine and enter: long distance service in the search field. You can talk to him for 20 minutes for just over $3. I have AT&T and the charge to Japan is 16 cents per minute. They also have special deals where they give you so many overseas minutes for FREE...you just have to talk them into it. Do a little negotiating. It's fun. All your other situations can be worked out with a cool head. And if you aren't able to see him for a while, don't try to upset yourself so much. The very best thing we can do while we are on this planet is be kind and nice to ourselves. Our personal kindness to ourselves is about the only treatment we have control over.